Honest opinions

[crazemaze]

Me & my FH have been together for 10 years now and we have been trying to get married past 2 years but due to Covid all our plans got changed.

I have always dreamed of my wedding but he has been nothing but negative past 2 years about it and makes comments about how its a waste of money and he doesn't like it etc

We put a deposit on the wedding and his response was ' you pay for it, I am not paying for that shit, its your wedding' and of course that hurt my feelings.

He bangs on about money for a house (agreed) however, the money he did have, he went and ga ve to his mom for her house deposit and that was without prior consultation to me. He gets very defensive if I want to talk about it or have anything to say.

He never follows anything traditional but all the sudden wants my family to pay because tradition is that family of bride pay but I have explained over and over that my family don't have those funds and this is OUR wedding so we should pay for it. Not to mention he has more guests than me. He upset me so much that I said I will pay for my half and you pay for yours. He comes later and apologies for upsetting me and says he will fund it all and then the next day, says he never said that and continues to make any experience of a wedding horrible.

I brought my wedding dress 2 years ago and now every thought of a wedding is just ruined. I made it clear to him that if he doesn't want to get married then I can't be with him because I don't want to continue a 10 year long relationship with no formal ground to it.

I feel stupid like I gave him all good years and literally acted like a wife for fucking 10 years to only now be given this attitude.

He is a fairly shy guy and hates attention which is why we are having a very intimate wedding with literally only family.

I feel like he is punishing me all the time. He makes comments about the house being messy sometimes and that I am not doing my job or if there is food not made that on certain days that I haven't cooked in a while.

I do love him and he has good moments but honestly sometimes I am screaming inside.

Anyone else experience anything similar or has any advise for me ?

Why are you with him? Why on gods green earth do you want to marry him?!

He sounds awful. Please break up.

It was your choice to spend ten years with him, especially when he was stringing you along. You haven’t given him your best years, you willingly stayed with the twat.

But it’s not too late to see the light, sell the dress, claw back any deposits you can, leave him and start again.

Do not marry this man.

I'm sorry to say, but he sounds like a total arsehole.

Please don't think you've given him your best years or anything like that, there is so much life left in you yet, that you can go and enjoy on your own or with someone better.

I totally agree with his concerns about wedding costs but everything else you've said about his behaviour is awful.

Read your post back and imagine this was a friend telling you that they feel punished all the time "but he has good moments". Is that what anyone deserves? If you continue to accept this you are punishing yourself also.

No judgement here, I've been there, I just hope you can put yourself first.

Honest opinion? I think he sounds awful and you should get out now. Read back your own post. Do you really want to be married to someone who treats you like that?

No kids and no marriage yet, you are in an infinitely better position than a lot of women. You can run and never look back 😍 choose to live OP ❤️

LTB

Do not be so focused on the idea of a wedding that you ruin your life with a spiteful man child

No financial ties, no children, no marriage...Why stay?

Don't focus on the 10 years spent, look forward to some great years with someone else. You will regret staying with him if you do. He isn't a caring man and he isn't invested in you.

How old are you both?

Don't stay with him any longer with a attitude like that, he doesn't want to marry you and is nasty about it.
He's taken your savings and given it to his mum, seek legal advice to get it back if possible.

If you did contribute? So he doesn't want to save for your own home either

His attitude stinks. A man who is in love and feels lucky to be marrying you does not behave like this. He is ticking a box because it's expected by you/society/whoever that being together this long leads to marriage... and his attitude is similar to a reluctant teenager who is following path of least resistance but underhandedly sabotaging it in sneaky ways along the way.
I think he just doesn't have enough umph to either rock the boat and call things a day nor to really feel the enthusiasm you need to embark on a lifetime commitment.
This sucks, but you're being given the message clear as day, and sadly as you are the only adult here it's up to you to drive change. You could plough on regardless (and have the most disappointing day of your life as you drag him up the aisle) or you could put him out of his misery and call it a day.
It's rubbish and hurtful and unfair he isn't capable of being more in control of his direction and giving you honesty, but in the long run, the freedom from having him drag you down like this will be worth it once the pain fades into memory.

Don't marry him he sounds horrible!
I'm not paying for that shit, it's your wedding wow it's like something from an Austen novel. Raise your bar!
Saying I do love him but...sometimes I'm screaming inside is like someone giving you a shit sandwich and you saying "well at least the bread was nice"

You've no kids and no financial complications (thanks to him), you need to raise your standards op. Honest opinion - leave him

@PeskyRooks

Don't marry him he sounds horrible! I'm not paying for that shit, it's your wedding wow it's like something from an Austen novel. Raise your bar! Saying I do love him but...sometimes I'm screaming inside is like someone giving you a shit sandwich and you saying "well at least the bread was nice"

I am trying to imagine Jane Austen saying this.

Agree with above.

He's a massive arsehole.
Please end it.

Look up the fallacy of sunk costs.

I only read the first 4 paragraphs, that was enough!
Why on earth would you want to marry this piece of shit? He is awful.

Thank you for your very brutal but honest opinions. Somrwhere deep down me, I do agree with you.

However, it goes a lot deeper and complicated than it is. We do have a child together, and a while back we broke up because I sadly cheated on him and it was the worst mistake of my life and I never in a million years thought I would ever ever do something like that. I am sorry for anyone who has experienced being cheated on but for my side I was at depression level and scared to tell him anything because of how much he has pushed and changed me as a person.

I have learned from my mistakes and I am a much better person today. Its much easer said that done to up and leave because he had made threats in past that he would take my child & leave while I am a sleep & I will never find then again. As a mother, can you even imagine the thoughts on that.

I guess our wedding was suppose to be a fresh start for us and we both do want a wedding but I just wanted to celebrate it.

If I left him like that, I would have support from nobody and I would be heavily blamed for breaking my family and being selfish.

I know I am not perfect but neither is he, only difference is I can openly say that but he doesn't.

Honestly, if you've already been together for 10 years then yes it is a waste of money - the concept of marriage obviously isn't that important to you, it's the big celebratory wedding you want, and it sounds like he's not a big celebration sort of person.

@bananapumpkin

Honestly, if you've already been together for 10 years then yes it is a waste of money - the concept of marriage obviously isn't that important to you, it's the big celebratory wedding you want, and it sounds like he's not a big celebration sort of person.

Missing the point spectacularly there.....

Sunk costs paradox. You see it all the time. Women "waste" their best years on a man, then feel like they HAVE to go through with a marriage even when all the red lights are blinking cause if they dont, theyd have nothing to show for all the time theyve "invested (sunk costs) into the relationship". Most couples like this end up divorced within 3 years of tying the knot. If i were you, id save the money for a wedding and divorce lawyers and just call it quits now

God he sounds GHASTLY. You seem to think that facing the possible disapproval of your friends and family is worse than destroying your life and mental health with this utter bell end. I’m not surprised you cheated. Bin him.

Your update with his threats to kidnap your child just reinforce why you should be away from him. I know you're scared but do you really want your child growing up with this being their example of what a relationship should be?

Yes you shouldn't have cheated, but that's not a reason to stay with him. Him threatening to steal your child isn't a reason to stay, what it does mean though is that you should plan it carefully. Get another home and place to go to with your child set up and sorted before telling him that you are leaving. Get yourself prepared so that he isn't in the position to follow through on any of his threats.

@Taikoo what was the point? There seemed to be a huge number of different points in the OP, and honest opinions were called for. In my view that is the crux of the matter - OP is being unreasonable and needs to empathise with partner's point of view if they are going to continue the relationship successfully.

Your update does make things more complicated but doesn't change the fact that staying with him and even thinking of getting married is a big mistake. Sorry you're going through this.

He's a bastard, you need to get out and live your life

He's threatened to remove his child from its mother against her will and never let then see you again! 😱
Obviously that threat hanging over you is going to affect the balance of your decisions but, fuckity fuck that's nasty.
Cheating isn't admirable but either you are leaving in the moral fibre it takes to be a loyal partner or your actions were a symptom of your situation/ state of your relationship.
If you have a dodgy moral compass then he can't trust you and would be unwise to marry you. Or things were bad and between you repair and healing could be done to bring your relationship back to a place of trust and happiness. I'm not picking up this is where you are, so honestly can't see why the marriage is on the cards until you are.
If you can't confide in him then you both need to think why that is, cos I struggle to see how you can spend the rest of your life with someone with whom you can't be emotionally intimate.
If you really feel you need to stay then that's what you do, but there is a lot to unpack there and work on which would make your relationship healthier than a wedding would. Why not do that first, if you can get to a better place maybe his attitude would improve.