Honest opinions

[crazemaze]

Me & my FH have been together for 10 years now and we have been trying to get married past 2 years but due to Covid all our plans got changed.

I have always dreamed of my wedding but he has been nothing but negative past 2 years about it and makes comments about how its a waste of money and he doesn't like it etc

We put a deposit on the wedding and his response was ' you pay for it, I am not paying for that shit, its your wedding' and of course that hurt my feelings.

He bangs on about money for a house (agreed) however, the money he did have, he went and ga ve to his mom for her house deposit and that was without prior consultation to me. He gets very defensive if I want to talk about it or have anything to say.

He never follows anything traditional but all the sudden wants my family to pay because tradition is that family of bride pay but I have explained over and over that my family don't have those funds and this is OUR wedding so we should pay for it. Not to mention he has more guests than me. He upset me so much that I said I will pay for my half and you pay for yours. He comes later and apologies for upsetting me and says he will fund it all and then the next day, says he never said that and continues to make any experience of a wedding horrible.

I brought my wedding dress 2 years ago and now every thought of a wedding is just ruined. I made it clear to him that if he doesn't want to get married then I can't be with him because I don't want to continue a 10 year long relationship with no formal ground to it.

I feel stupid like I gave him all good years and literally acted like a wife for fucking 10 years to only now be given this attitude.

He is a fairly shy guy and hates attention which is why we are having a very intimate wedding with literally only family.

I feel like he is punishing me all the time. He makes comments about the house being messy sometimes and that I am not doing my job or if there is food not made that on certain days that I haven't cooked in a while.

I do love him and he has good moments but honestly sometimes I am screaming inside.

Anyone else experience anything similar or has any advise for me ?

@bananapumpkin do you need to go and have a sit down? “Continue successfully”? WTF?

In all honesty OP, your whole relationship is not working, at all.

You have been unfaithful, he has stolen your money, and neither of you are able to even talk about things without an argument or someone feeling hurt.

You should certainly call off the bloody wedding at the very least !

Your whole 'dream' wedding can never happen with this man, because the very thought of it conjures up past hurtful words, thoughts and feelings ffs !

You need to either walk away (which is what I would advise), even though you feel you will be 'blamed' for the break up (which would still be preferable to spending the next 10yrs being miserable with this man !), or talking to him about cancelling the whole wedding idea and enrolling in couples counselling to find out if there is any hope of 'saving' your 'relationship' (though what you have now is truly toxic at the moment), but I think this will ultimately be 'clutching at straws' to be honest.

For a moment I thought that you were being unreasonable insisting on a huge expensive wedding, when your DP is shy and doesn't want a big fuss. Him wanting to save money isn't necessarily a bad thing.

But the more you say about him, the more he sounds like an absolute dickhead. Why on earth are you still wanting to marry someone who threatens to take your child?!

You know that a wedding is just one day, right? It doesn't "fix" a shitty relationship.

[quote bananapumpkin]@Taikoo what was the point? There seemed to be a huge number of different points in the OP, and honest opinions were called for. In my view that is the crux of the matter - OP is being unreasonable and needs to empathise with partner's point of view if they are going to continue the relationship successfully.[/quote]
Can't you recognise the point of the thread?

He threatened to take your child while you were asleep He sounds vile, mean, joyless and a bully.

Why in God's name would you want to marry him? I'd be running for the hills.

Leave him. You and your child deserve more.

He sounds horrible and your relationship sounds toxic.

Don't let the sunken cost fallacy keep you in this shit situation. Yeah, you cheated, not great - but it doesn't mean you have to punish yourself for cheating by staying in this relationship forever.

We use to be so happy honestly, like literally inseparable. I think after having our child and moving in together is when things got rocky and truth be told relationship was so toxic and so unhealthy to the point of physically screaming and crying for change and no response for him that led me into someone else's arms. I truly do feel disgusted by my actions but everyday I am opening my eyes more and more to my reality.

I definitely agree we need help, and I have numerous times suggested it to him but he's a very odd person. He has a lot of pride and doesn't like to be told he's wrong in anything, and that's definitely a lot of where we crash with each other. Despite anything I know I am a great mother and more and more I am becoming more vocal against him and not letting him bully me and make me feel like I entirely depend on him.

I have told him before, I have the job now which pays good, I have my house and I can handle myself and that in all honestly its not that I need him its more I want him. When we broke up, I barely had anything to pay everything and keep food on table, and he completely dropped me and said my family should pay for me. I think it was that feeling of feeling helpless that I pushed myself to never let a man control and make me feel like that again.

Believe me when I say numerous people have told me to drop him but I think his good moments hold me back and make me re-think my decisions which I know is wrong. I am much stronger today but still have a long way to go before I can completely let go for many reasons.

But OP how does keeping your child in an environment with an abusive man who threatens to KIDNAP the child and do Godknowswhatelse to that child compute with your own description of being "a good mother"? I mean just change the perspective. Youre a granny and your child tells you his/her partner is threatening to do the same thing with your grandchild. Would your good-mother-advice be to stay
? The cognitive dissonance..is scary

The wedding is the least of your problems here.

This situation is a mess. I wouldn’t contemplate a wedding. Perhaps, you both need counselling first. Understand why he is upsetting you, why you cheated, why there’s so much toxic atmosphere. A wedding , like another baby solves nothing. You need to sort out your fundamental issues first and when the relationship is happy again look at marriage. Otherwise, you’ll feel even more trapped and have to deal with divorcing down the line

Oh give over beating yourself up. Dump him. You and your child deserve better. And anything is better than this. He won’t listen to you and doesn’t like to be told he’s wrong. What a fucking Prince.

Him threatening to take your child isn’t a reason to stay, it’s a reason to leave. Go, take your dc.

This is not a happy relationship. This is not the life you deserve and your child cannot have a happy life in this environment.

Yes you had an affair. That is bad, but you know that and you’ve apologised and you know why you did it. He is an abusive arsehole. Has he apologised for his destructive behaviour? He won’t go to counselling because he’s arrogant, not proud.

You do not need to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself.

Sometimes relationships fail, that’s how it is. You do not need to sit it out in misery. If your friends and family knew how unhappy you were they wouldn’t want you to stay.

Great, if the house is in your name and you're financially independent then there is no reason to marry him, or stay in a relationship with him

For god sake walk away.
You are punishing yourself by staying. Go get the life you deserve.

It is so much easier to drag someone down than lift someone up! So him having some nice moments won't cancel out the weight of the rest on pulling you into an emotional place you don't want to be.
You said yourself that you used to be inseperable, but that was before a child (which is when the person everything orbits round has their position adjusted, which balanced parents don't mind) and before you lived together and no longer got time off from him having things his way. So basically it was all great until he was getting some (perfectly reasonable) push back. This just means that it won't go back to that (unless he has a radical alteration of personality). So don't marry into the relationship you used to have, it doesn't exist anymore and he isn't interested in getting help to put it back there.
Some people are not capable of putting what a truly balanced relationship needs onto the table. Maybe the deepest relationship he is capable of is boyfriend. It's sad if so, but the signs are pointing that way. If people judge you for walking away from that they don't really know you well enough to listen to your story and aren't a reason to stick it out.
It sounds like you have done personal difficulties which make thinking of leaving hard but picture this for 50 years and consider which will destroy you the most.
The threat he made is chilling as even if it was a, heat of the moment never really would, type comment, no dad I know would even mentally go there. It's just callous too the two people who should be most important to him. If that's how he treats the people he loves them he has a Grinches heart, 5 sizes too small and will never fulfill your needs for a life partner who holds you up not drags you down.

Honest opinion get rid of this disgusting man.. "I'm not paying for this shit " your wedding his he for real..happily give his mum money that could have gone onto a deposit towards your house.. don't marry this man do yourself a favour and leave him

Don't let your actions trap you in a relationship you shouldn't be in. You were lost and you found comfort elsewhere, it's not uncommon. It happened to me too, I too screamed and cried but nothing changed, and someone came into my life. After that I resigned myself to staying in my sexless marriage as a punishment. Then when I finally went to seek help, my counsellor told me not to beat myself up about it, and certainly not to stay with dh out of duty or guilt. It doesn't absolve your dh of all his faults or actions. Don't marry this man, please. You can start again.

If I left him like that, I would have support from nobody and I would be heavily blamed for breaking my family and being selfish.

I would rather be wrongly blamed for that than actually go through with raising my child in a toxic environment with verbal and emotional abuse around them.

You would be foolish to stay with him if you didn't have kids.

You would be selfish and irresponsible to stay with him considering you do.

Do you want them to grow up thinking this is what a relationship looks like? Because that's what you're teaching them.

Him threatening to take your child isn’t a reason to stay, it’s a reason to leave.

This. Put your child first.

I know I should but I don't have the courage 😪 I am scared.

When he found out I had cheated on him, he told me, had we been alone he was would of killed me, he said some dark wave went over him and he would of probably left me dead there.

He is very good at covering what himself, and then making me feel like I am losing my mind. If I say something that would piss him off usually, he has hit me a few times but he does it in a joking way and laughs and when I tell him don't put your hands on me, he says that I make things up in my head and that I know he's not being serious and then says fine we will be serious.

Honestly I think its hard for the person in the relationship to see what others on the outside see and a lot of it, is fear

I have the job now which pays good, I have my house and I can handle myself and that in all honestly its not that I need him its more I want him.

To be honest, if this is the case then you're being very selfish to keep your child living in such a toxic environment when you aren't even stuck there due to being financially dependent on him!! How can you be willing to model this relationship behaviour to them? The longer you stay, the more likely they are to replicate it in their own relationships as teens and adults. What an awful legacy.

So he is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. And makes threats to separate you from your children.

You need to leave this relationship. You say you don't need him, you want him.

Considering the above, you need some support in therapy to work out why you want someone who is so abusive to be living with you and your child who has no choice in the matter.

I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it literally. The level of cognitive dissonance and denial means you cannot make safe choices as a parent at the moment, because you want someone you don't need, who you know is physically and emotionally abusive.

He threatened to kill you and he assaults you. Why are you wasting your life on him ?

Look at what you are writing OP! He said he would have killed you?! If you can't get the strength for yourself then get it for your child. What would happen to them if they lose their mother and are left with an abuser? What about their future, if they grow up seeing this as a normal relationship, they are more likely to end up in a similar position themselves.

@PeskyRooks

Don't marry him he sounds horrible! I'm not paying for that shit, it's your wedding wow it's like something from an Austen novel. Raise your bar! Saying I do love him but...sometimes I'm screaming inside is like someone giving you a shit sandwich and you saying "well at least the bread was nice"

Which Austen is this?