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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What does this mean

86 replies

lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 09:32

Had an argument on sat night, well I say argument I can't remember arguing. Had a drink.
I went to bed. Now the boyfriend is funny with me, In fact being pretty off.
Apologised. Texting but edgy, him not me!
Just text and asked if he wanted me to stay Saturday.
His reply "just a bit busy with work, I will text you when I can?"
Now I asked him prior if he wanted to see me again and he said yes.
Is this the brush off?
I haven't actually ate since Saturday

OP posts:
lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 19:15

I am quite poorly off the jab on Sunday.

I don't remember saying anything untoward.

I went to bed and slept. I was so tired.

I don't drink I am not use to it

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 19/05/2021 19:22

@lostsoul1989

Had an argument on sat night, well I say argument I can't remember arguing. Had a drink. I went to bed. Now the boyfriend is funny with me, In fact being pretty off. Apologised. Texting but edgy, him not me! Just text and asked if he wanted me to stay Saturday. His reply "just a bit busy with work, I will text you when I can?" Now I asked him prior if he wanted to see me again and he said yes. Is this the brush off? I haven't actually ate since Saturday
What this means OP is that he wants to manipulate you. He wont tell you want you have done wrong because you havent done anything wrong he just wants to make you feel confused and insecure . Then when he contacts you then you feel better and relieved. Until the next time and the next. Its a control tactic. You will watch what you say and do around him until one day you realise that you no longer know who you are and what you think. He will control everything. Step out of the game Hes an abuser. This is how they start.
lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 19:26

Do you really think that? I have had doubts mind.

Like the no texting when he is out and things or he will just ignore me

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 19/05/2021 19:53

@lostsoul1989

Do you really think that? I have had doubts mind.

Like the no texting when he is out and things or he will just ignore me

Op this is classic controlling behaviour. He is doing this deliberately to control you. You are feeling anxious and upset right ? This is what he wants. Then you are relieved and happy when he is " nice" Every single time he is testing how far he can go. He is choosing to be like this.
lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 19:59

Yeah he use to say that he was like
This with everyone but he seems to keep me Separate from his friends.

Doesn't like nothing on social media.

I have met his family mind. Who said I was mad for putting up with him

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 19/05/2021 20:00

@lostsoul1989

Yeah he use to say that he was like This with everyone but he seems to keep me Separate from his friends.

Doesn't like nothing on social media.

I have met his family mind. Who said I was mad for putting up with him

Op please leave this man. It will get worse
lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 20:12

Don't worry I will be adult and say it to his face tho.

OP posts:
BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 20:13

Once the family have warned you, that’s a very bad sign.

BigHeadBertha · 19/05/2021 20:27

There are a lot of unknowns here.

For one thing, what level is your relationship at? You called him your "boyfriend" but that could mean anything from guy you've been dating for a month or serious long term, monogamous partner.

Then you said you were drinking, so it's possible you said something awful that caused him to understandably want to back off a bit and reconsider this relationship, and did not feel like getting into it any further with you at that time.

Or something could have come up where he really did think he might have to work. Or he could have been waiting to hear back from another girl or his friends and considered you his back up plan. Or many other things.

His other actions like not always calling you back when he's out with his friends or not answering you when you asked if something was wrong could also mean different things. For ex., it could mean he feels that you call too much, or that perhaps he views the connection as not being at that close of a level or etc.

So in my opinion, he might be acting like a jerk or he might not. I can definitely see someone being perfectly nice even if he doesn't handle everything the way some people might consider the only correct way.

Moving a date from a Saturday night sleepover to Sunday does seem like a downgrade to me, though unless he did have to work. Good luck for Sunday. Please keep us posted.

lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 20:45

Yeah he said he was meeting his friend on sat and asked if I could stay over on Sunday instead and that would be perfect.

That was 3 hours ago and haven't heard anything else as he will be watching the match with mates again.

He isn't the best to communicate, and I feel that he is emotionally unattached as he can't stand seeing people upset.

Mind I have had a minor op yesterday and to be honest I can't really be bothered to stay any earlier, I never told him that tho.

Now he did text yesterday to ask me how I was etc, but no mention of coming to see me or anything, but again I think that's normal for him.

I did say on Saturday that I thought he was ashamed of me, and asked about his ex and how she felt about the way he went on sometimes, which I don't think is bad at all.

I like to talk, I like to communicate. Which I don't think he does.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 19/05/2021 20:54

OP, having read your posts, this bloke is coming across as game playing, and in that case, I think it's highly likely you said nothing nasty at all. He's simply using the fact you had a drink as a basis for gaslighting you into thinking you had an argument.

My ex could be crap like that. I'd have one pint when I went out playing darts, and he'd sometimes try to say I'd been horrible when I got in. Sadly for him, I've always had total recall when I've had a drink, and I never accepted what he said as the truth, especially as it was always one drink and no more, I'd switch to soft drinks after the pint.

He became an ex for many reasons.

lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 20:56

I do get that I am nasty a lot.

But then he says that about a few people

OP posts:
BigHeadBertha · 19/05/2021 21:02

@lostsoul1989- Especially after reading your response, it sounds to me like this guy is just not as invested in this relationship as you are.

Maybe you'd be better off to keep looking for someone who wants the same level of closeness that you do. Good luck!

lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 21:06

Aww that is so nice of you to say that.

Yeah he's a big child hahaha. I can't say anything really bad about him tho, as when he is nice he is lovely.

Obviously his friends come first, where as my children do

OP posts:
Loubellbell · 19/05/2021 21:14

How old is he if you don't mind me asking

lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 21:20

I cringe saying this but he is 42

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 19/05/2021 21:21

@lostsoul1989

Aww that is so nice of you to say that.

Yeah he's a big child hahaha. I can't say anything really bad about him tho, as when he is nice he is lovely.

Obviously his friends come first, where as my children do

"As when he is nice he is lovely" Bingo! They arent abusive all the time Op or you would have chucked him ages ago.

Please look up the cycle of abuse.
If he was so "nice" why would you be feeling so ill you havent eaten for several days?
Wondering what you have done wrong?

Lets just say for arguments sake that you got drunk and said something nasty ?
Yes he would be hurt but in a normal relationship he would retreat but then discuss it with you.
Possibly say he was upset but he thinks you should lay off the booze
He would offer to stay off it as well and be supportive.
Now look at this man.
You dont even think you said or did anything wrong but hes treating you horribly.

lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 21:24

I know it's like a big game.

I even said he had reeled me in big style,
All nice at first, being lovely and now it's like
Boooom!

Mates first me second.

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 19/05/2021 21:28

@lostsoul1989

I know it's like a big game.

I even said he had reeled me in big style,
All nice at first, being lovely and now it's like
Boooom!

Mates first me second.

The reeling in bit is called Lovebombing. As you say its not the real him. I hope you will end this and find someone who really deserves you OP Flowers
Loubellbell · 19/05/2021 21:31

42!!!! I thought you were going to say 22 !! Jeez
Are you the same age ? X

lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 21:36

I'm 35 hahaha x

OP posts:
lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 21:37

Thank you so much Templeofbreeze

I don't feel that bad tonight.

Feel like a complete looser tho

OP posts:
Templetreebreeze · 19/05/2021 21:41

@lostsoul1989

Thank you so much Templeofbreeze

I don't feel that bad tonight.

Feel like a complete looser tho

You are welcome OP Dont feel like a loser. Lose the real loser, hes not worth it and you are worth more. Find a man who loves you, is kind and generous not some dick who plays games.
Mumoftwo1990 · 19/05/2021 21:54

@lostsoul1989

Had an argument on sat night, well I say argument I can't remember arguing. Had a drink. I went to bed. Now the boyfriend is funny with me, In fact being pretty off. Apologised. Texting but edgy, him not me! Just text and asked if he wanted me to stay Saturday. His reply "just a bit busy with work, I will text you when I can?" Now I asked him prior if he wanted to see me again and he said yes. Is this the brush off? I haven't actually ate since Saturday
If he won't communicate his issue with you then bail, if he can't be a grown up and say 'look you said this and it annoyed me etc' it's just so basic. Don't play along because it's too physically and mentally draining you, he doesn't sound worth it.
lostsoul1989 · 19/05/2021 21:55

Yeah thing is I trusted in, probably cos no one else would put up with it like.

Oh well it's meant to be. He's obviously out tonight too cos he's quiet again 🤣😂

OP posts:
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