I think I’m being ridiculous, am I?

[HelpImTooNeedy]

I’m in a new online relationship. Never met though had plans to do so imminently now rules are relaxed. Met online 3 months ago and been in intense daily contact ever since. Covid, work and family situs mean we’ve just not been able to meet up yet. Contact is on and off every day and at least a couple of hours chatting every night. Feelings are intense on both sides but obviously since we’ve not yet met we’ve both acknowledged that the feelings are untested and a bit OTT.

Anyway, his mum is seriously ill. Taken into hospital end of last week. I’ve barely heard from him since. I’ve sent messages of support perhaps once daily, trying not to be obviously needy or put too much pressure on him. Yesterday we managed a a very short text convo. Today nothing at all.

I’m hurt. I’m going through a tough time myself right now with family stuff that he’s aware of. Am I being ridiculous to now doubt his feelings? I think I probably am but need a (gentle please) reality check.

He’s come to mean a lot to me and I had high hopes that after a very long drought he might be someone I could really see myself having a relationship with. Now I’m doubting his interest.

You are being utterly ridiculous... you haven't even met this guy, how can you possibly have genuine feelings for him.

Poor guy, his mum is seriously ill ... he needs to focus on her.

You user name is totally right.

You've not met and it's only been 3 months. Even if he has incredibly strong feelings for that short time and lack of contact, it is totally normal of him to forget about a potential date entirely while dealing with his dying(?) mother.

Bloody hell. You shouldn’t be leaning on someone you’ve never met way too much.

If you need support then talk to your friends, family, colleagues, a helpline. Putting all your eggs in your basket of some online rando is a bit risky.

Sadly, all you know about him is what he's told you. It's quite possibly all bullshit. He's ignoring you now restrictions have been relaxed. 🤔

When someone is seriously ill it’s very hard to focus on anyone or anything outside of that. So be nice. And don’t overreact.
Only time will tell if this will turn into a real life relationship

Possibly all bullshit, but he could so easily just ghost OP without making anything up about his mum or contacting her almost every day - why go to that effort when she's never even met him?

I’m afraid you’ve created a fantasy version of this man that he will be in danger of not living up to in real life. It’s very easy to do which is why the advice is to meet very quickly in real life rather than continuing a cyber relationship. ( if you can fancy them on a rainy walk with a shit takeaway coffee it’s a good sign).

Now with regards the lack of contact - you absolutely know you’re being unreasonable. I hope to God his mum hasn’t died because you’re going to feel awful that you were on here creating this thread. Take a step back. Send a nice, non demanding text message expressing some concern for his mum, himself and the family and leave him to it. Keep your fingers crossed she’s ok and you can get planning a day to meet.

Ego

He knows nothing of how I’m feeling. My messages have been limited to once a day and only ever scoring concern for his mum or for him at what he’s juggling. I’ve not messaged him at all today either. I knew I was being ridiculous but needed telling. I do have other friends to lean on in terms of what I’m dealing with myself at the moment. But, I’ve been treated shockingly in the fairly recent past. I think it’s made me untrusting and expecting the worst. Thank you for the reality check.

*showing

It’s so easy to get carried away. And want someone to treat us differently. Which is why it’s so difficult when it’s not a solid relationship yet. Don’t get too invested, easier said than done though.
And don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s easy especially in covid times

Maybe just send the odd message that it's clear he doesn't have to reply to, like a comment or picture? It's hard enough to support someone remotely when you actually know them in real life. And it might well be that he loses interest now, but that wouldn't make him an untrustworthy person or you a victim: he really doesn't owe anything to someone he hasn't met, and neither do you.

Honestly this sounds like an episode of Catfish. Now that restrictions have been lifted he’s suddenly got flakey and a sick hospitalised relative has appeared.

He knows nothing of how I’m feeling

Good - assuming he's legit you shouldn't bw offloading onto him just now.

This will sound horrible and cynical and I really hope I'm wrong, but I've had men I've been chatting to online where I thought there was potential tell me their mum or dad is sick/dying and then they've dropped me. I then see them back on the dating app still searching, it's happened a few times.
I hope this isn't the case here but you don't know him and it's a really bad idea to get involved before you've met, everything he told you could be lies. If his mum really is ill then give him some space but be careful and not too trusting.

OP, just make sure he's not a scammer and starts asking you for money to help his mother with treatment, this was highlighted online and in the national news of this happening to women whom were taken in by men.

I totally believe him. There’s a back story which I know. This isn’t sudden. Regardless, I do still have a feeling/fear that this might actually be the end but that is possibly irrational. I believe that in his situation, if it were me dealing with a sick parent, that I would be keeping him informed. Because of that, I now feel that I’m more invested than he is. But I also accept that he’s not me, I don’t know exactly how serious things are and I am fundamentally insecure. I’ve appreciated everyone’s views on here. Hopefully things will improve for his mum very soon.

Hmmm. I would have thought now more than ever he would need your support.... but you guys haven't met yet...its all a bit fantasy land so give him a few days. The cynic in me says possibly expect a slow fade. Hopefully not x

That’s partly why I posted I think. Our daily evening chats are an escape for both of us. A chance to kick back and just relax with adult company. I want to support him. We’ve talked every day without fail for 3 months up till now. I hope I’m wrong. That he’s just consumed and knackered from what’s happening with his mum. It’s the not knowing that is so hard from being used to sharing our day’s news every night.

I think he's using his mums illness to pull away. As you said you are also going through a tough time, support shouldn't be one sided, focus on yourself right now.
The relationship has been virtual anyway and now he seems cool now you could actually meet, I wouldn't put much hope into anyone until you've met and tried a relationship in real life. They could be anyone, saying what you want to hear, married even.

Another cynical one here. One guy told me his ex wife had cancer so he couldn't see me any more as he had to concentrate on his DS. I totally understood. Saw him back on POF about a week later. Thing is, my DF was actually dying of cancer at the time. That hurt.
It takes just a minute to knock out a msg. Even if he's telling the truth, if you were as close as you say, he'd reach out to you. I'd send a final 'I'm here if you need me' msg and then leave it if no response.

I preferred the you’re being ridiculous posters to the cynics

I’m sorry about your experience @ItsNotLoveActually that is really low.

We’ve had the ghosting chat. He said he’s never done it not ever would. But I agree, it takes seconds to message. Even if it’s just to say I’m knackered, had a bad day, things aren’t good whatever. If I don’t hear anything by tomorrow afternoon I’ll probably send him a message. Despite how I’m feeling, he really doesn’t need me making this all about me. His mum is in hospital and ill. That is definitely genuine.

What I meant was, if I message it will be expressing concern, showing support, not going on about lack of contact or asking where I stand.

OP when you say chatting, do you mean actually speaking with voices, or texting? If the latter, your feelings are at this stage really an illusion... even if it's the latter, you still don't really know him from a bar of soap. Sorry if that sounds harsh, just want you to protect yourself.

Doh! Even if it's the FORMER