I think I’m being ridiculous, am I?

[HelpImTooNeedy]

I’m in a new online relationship. Never met though had plans to do so imminently now rules are relaxed. Met online 3 months ago and been in intense daily contact ever since. Covid, work and family situs mean we’ve just not been able to meet up yet. Contact is on and off every day and at least a couple of hours chatting every night. Feelings are intense on both sides but obviously since we’ve not yet met we’ve both acknowledged that the feelings are untested and a bit OTT.

Anyway, his mum is seriously ill. Taken into hospital end of last week. I’ve barely heard from him since. I’ve sent messages of support perhaps once daily, trying not to be obviously needy or put too much pressure on him. Yesterday we managed a a very short text convo. Today nothing at all.

I’m hurt. I’m going through a tough time myself right now with family stuff that he’s aware of. Am I being ridiculous to now doubt his feelings? I think I probably am but need a (gentle please) reality check.

He’s come to mean a lot to me and I had high hopes that after a very long drought he might be someone I could really see myself having a relationship with. Now I’m doubting his interest.

If you def know she's in hospital then I'd cut him some slack on his priority list right now you will be way down. He might not be able to use a phone, battery flat or just even have the headspace. A quick text to let him know you're thinking of him is what I'd send and wait.

It’s a bit of a coincidence that he’s pulling away a bit now that the real world is opening up. Be very wary. You don’t know this person half as much as you feel you do.

He’s probably married or in a relationship.

God, it must be something in the water. The exact same thing has just happened to me. I've been involved in a lovely online chat friendship with a man for a couple of months. It's not OLD, it's a hobby-related forum, but we've been doing a lot of getting-to-know-you off topic chat in private messages, swapping stories, sharing a few plans etc and seemed to have a lot in common, similar worldview and so on. I really like(d) him a lot. No particular plans to meet, except in a 'one day' kind of way, but I was starting to think I'd really like to. Then, out of the blue at the end of last week he tells me about something appalling (and slightly implausible) that's supposedly happened to a family member (he was quite specific but obviously I can't repeat here) and says he suddenly has a lot on his plate. I obviously didn't expect to hear from him immediately afterwards but in fact did get another perfectly normal message the following day ... and since then absolutely nothing. I've left him a couple of messages just checking if he's OK and I know he's seen them, but no reply at all. From 100--0 overnight.

Part of me is really concerned for his wellbeing but most of me realises he's probably got a wife he conveniently forgot to mention who's just found all the messages and nailed his head to the floor. Or maybe it was just about getting me to the point where he thought he had me hooked (he did) before throwing me back in the water.

I've never been ghosted before and it's absolutely bewildering. Why not just say, this isn't working for me anymore?

Does anybody actually understand this behaviour??

How old are you both? How far apart do you live?

Honestly can't see why you haven't met.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Bloody hell. You shouldn’t be leaning on someone you’ve never met way too much.

If you need support then talk to your friends, family, colleagues, a helpline. Putting all your eggs in your basket of some online rando is a bit risky.

This, to say the least. He could be a faker but even if he is real, his mom is in hospital!

We’re 40s. There are good reasons why we’ve not met. Mostly to do with childcare. The fact that we haven’t yet isn’t of concern to me. It’s not been a case of me wanting to and him avoiding, finding reasons not to. It was me that cancelled the last date we had agreed on because something came up I couldn’t change. The time before that it was him. We were talking about agreeing another date when his mum was taken ill.

We have talked on the phone and on FaceTime as well as WhatsApp messaging.

@MissingInActon sorry you’re dealing with something similar (though I’m reserving judgment). I need to grow a thicker skin for sure. I know I’m needy. Really don’t think I’m cut out for OLD. My heart is telling me I’m being ridiculous and he will be back when he can. My head and gut are saying he’s pulling away. That perhaps it’s all too much right now for him because his life is already busy, as is mine.

Problem with online dating... your not actually in a real relationship.

My advice is to meet him first before investing so much of your time and emotions.

You have never met him! Google limerence.

I’ve not seen limerence mentioned round here for ages. It used to pop up all the time. This isn’t that. I know we’ve not met in person but this is someone I’ve spent every evening talking to, usually for hours, every night since mid February. I don’t think it’s that weird to be invested emotionally in someone who I’ve spent that much time talking to and getting to know. We’ve FaceTimed loads. Is that so different to meeting someone? I don’t know.

We’ve FaceTimed loads. Is that so different to meeting someone? I don’t know.
If you haven't met the person IRL, yes, it is very different. Seeing someone on a screen, you have no evidence at all that they are how they claim to be. In real life, even just seeing how they dress, their watch, shoes, car, haircut, tan, how they smell ... gives you lots of clues as to how they live and whether you are attracted to them. I'm sure you've had the experience, like everyone else, of meeting someone who would probably look great in a photo (or on screen) but within a few minutes of meeting them, you just find them a bit creepy.

Then, in real life, you bump into their neighbour, meet up for a drink with their friend or drop something off at their sister's house, or just meet at a bar where anyone could see you together, and it reassures you that you do not seem to be a secret or a surprise.
That's before even seeing their home and whether it is really a bachelor pad.

Personally I would not want to be invested emotionally in someone I hadn't met in real life - it would be too much of a risk to me. I might enjoy the chats, and be excited to meet them, but I'd hold myself back from getting invested so as not to get hurt.

@ravenmum thank you for that. It makes sense to me on a rational level. I am overly emotionally invested and whilst we’ve both talked about the fact that things might not gel when we meet in person, if I’m honest, I had secretly just assumed it would all be perfect. I have very limited experience of OLD. This is probably only the 6th person I’ve talked to and it got intense on both sides very quickly. Just the level of contact, now I think about it, was way OTT. But it was both ways and, on the surface, we were both as smitten and both fuelling it.

Obviously, I still don’t know what’s happening with him but this thread has been super helpful in showing me how unwise I’ve been in allowing myself to get carried away to the degree I have. I feel like an idiot! But we live and learn and if it doesn’t work out with this guy then I will act differently next time.

It’s relevant I think that I’ve come out of a long marriage. It’s a very long time since I’ve dated and with covid etc and family commitments it’s been doubly hard.

You absolutely can’t have “real” feelings for someone until you have met. All the messages and calls in the world are nothing to your visceral reaction to a person in person.

This is why I learned to first date quickly.

If you've come out of a long relationship and are new to OLD, it might be a good idea to read some books on it, watch some youtube for tips, etc.
You're a prime target for scammers, weirdos, predators.

OP - I am in a similar position to you and about to start OLD and I was reading the threads on here and picked up some good advice- notably, don't chat for too long before meeting up- It's so easy to fall into chatting every night as an escape and it becomes this massive fantasy. Sounds like he has just dropped interest in you- I really think that if he wanted to, he would message- our phones are in our hands these days- there will be posters who will say 'maybe this maybe that..' or ' my phone is turned off and I am so busy I just don't get to it for days at a time' but the truth is, he was on his phone a lot to message you, so this is his pattern of use. Also, having had an ill parent myself I was on the phone continually due to people wanting updates or time at the hospital when I had nothing to do so I would be on my phone. It's such a nice fantasy to have someone who you feel cares and there's hope for the future etc but honestly, if they like you, they will message- even more so if they are under stress- they will say- sorry I've been late replying... as they will be keen not to lose you.

Did he end up writing to you yesterday or has it been almost two days now without a message?

I’ve just heard from him. He was friendly but there’s definitely a lack of warmth in the tone. He could just be distracted and still concerned. I don’t know what to think. Just need to give him space I think and see what happens whilst at the same time trying to uninvest myself and prepare myself that this could very well end up going nowhere. Outwardly he knows nothing of his I’m feeling but I do feel like my response is way too much and I need to look at why that is. Thanks again for the reality check. I’m actually a pretty sorted woman in all other areas of my life. This has taken me by surprise.

I used to do OLD , I stopped wasting time on talking for ages because 9/10 times I met up and there was zero chemistry! I spent 3 months talking once and when I met up the guy was not a nice person at all once he had a drink ( he’d obviously avoided drinking when talking before). One had bad BO! It’s better to meet quickly

You're allowing yourself to be love-bombed and catfshed at the moment. Don't get emotionally involved so early, especially when you have never met. You are in love with the person he is in your head not with who he really is.

Always date multiple guys at once untill you can get into a relationship with someone you have met regularly over several months.

Check out FemaleDatingStrategy on reddit. They have some great advice for staying sober untill trust is actually earned.

Totally agree with @Rubyreddiamond.
You’ve not met him in person, you might not fancy him at all. It might be the way he eats, his smell, the way he speaks to the waitress or something else entirely.
Regardless of how this pans out, in future, definitely have a few phone chats to suss them out and then if they’re OK, meet ASAP.

Sorry to hear you think he’s cooling it. It might be the ill parent (absolutely fair enough) or it might be him pulling back now that you can actually meet.

This was me last year...3 months of intense chats before meeting.

I was way over invested and I found it si hard to detach

Thanks everyone. Having spoken on the phone loads and FaceTimed lots too, I thought I knew a lot about him already, how he looks, sounds, talks, what he wears, his build etc. I do however take the point that chemistry is so much more and may never have been there on meeting. My family situation (stuff to do with my kids) means that actually meeting up with someone is never going to be that easy. It’s not that easy for me just to get a babysitter and go out. He understood that as a single parent himself though with more straightforward kids. Therefore dating multiple men isn’t an option practically. But, as I’ve said, I’ve heard and taken on board the need to protect my heart and not get carried away with my own fantasy version of a potential partner in future.