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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being a b1tch?

67 replies

Slightlylostalongtheway · 16/05/2021 17:12

So, 8 weeks ago I was diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's stage 2 so not as bad as it could be and the prognosis is good but it has made me face my mortality and at 30 that's a challenge. However, my dh has not been to a single appointment with me (covid rules etc) which has been hard. But now his dm has announced she is divorcing his df and needs my dh all the time. I am feeling like a third wheel in my own relationship and struggling to cope with dealing with my own issues and running around after my melodramatic mil. I get that it must be hard but she is either at our home or on the phone all the time. He drops everything, booking time off work to drive her to places (she has her own car) and she comes everywhere with us (even food shopping) and yet he hasn't booked a single day off to be with me despite me dealing with chemotherapy. I just want some time with my dh and our dc alone. So my question is am I being a b1tch or should I suck it up and realise she is having a hard time?

OP posts:
MorvaanReed · 16/05/2021 17:19

No, you are not being a bitch. I also feel for your MIL, but your needs matter hugely too.

Have you told DH? Yes, he should have worked it out himself but he hasn't, so time to sit him down and spell it out.

Original poster
Slightlylostalongtheway · 16/05/2021 17:22

Thanks @MorvaanReed I totally feel for her and she is lovely but I don't feel I can turn around without her being there. Now because she's here all the time she feels like she is entitled to an opinion in the running of our home. I am going to have to say it to dh but without hurting his feelings...it is his dm after all!

OP posts:
MorvaanReed · 16/05/2021 17:42

Well, I think your, with good cause, actual hurt feelings trump his theoretical ones.

Original poster
Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 07:09

Come on mumsnet I need your help!

OP posts:
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 21/05/2021 07:16

You’re absolutely not being a bitch!

I think a chat with your DH so he totally gets your message, and a few boundaries need to be set (in a gentle way) with your MIL.

Alwaystired99 · 21/05/2021 07:20

Noooooo! You are not in the wrong at all and definitely not a b1tch.
Could your DH be freaked out by your diagnosis and finding it easier to deal with his DM? Men can be terrible at explaining or even accepting their feelings (women too but in my experience men tend to be worse and he's now got an excuse to be elsewhere).
Your needs have to come first at the moment and he really needs to step up when you start treatment. Can you ask him to book some time off or mention that you'll need help?
You have to come before his relationship with his DM. How old are your children? He's going to have to help with them if you're feeling rough and it's completely understandable that you want (and need) it to be just you, him and the children.
Does he have any brothers or sisters that could help with their mum? Could she do some practical things to help like bring over food/ batch cooking/ take the children out then at least she doesn't feel left out and she's being useful? Although to be honest she needs to grow up and realise your needs are much more important than hers right now.
I hope you get better as quickly as possible and that he sees sense. Thanks

HideAndSeeking · 21/05/2021 08:07

Remind your husband that you understand he needs to support his mum, but he also needs to be supportive of you... I would then ask him how he could more fairly divide up time between all of you, and let him come up with a plan. People are usually more helpful if they feel they had choices and a part in the decision making. If you need to adjust him from there after, do so. Hopefully it won’t be necessary!

Wishing you the very best health and happiness. Please let us know how you’re getting on. Flowers

IsolaPribby · 21/05/2021 08:11

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? It's possible, though I admit would be disappointing, that he is clueless?

IsolaPribby · 21/05/2021 08:12

And is MIL aware of your diagnosis?

LizzieSiddal · 21/05/2021 08:16

No you are not being a b1tchFlowers

You need to speak to your H and tell him how unsupported you feel. He really hasn’t thought about you at all, he should have gone to some hospital with you, as much as possible, waited in the car so you had someone to speak to when you came out.

Speak to him and tell him how hurt you are.

UpTheJunktion · 21/05/2021 08:32

She is letting it all out emotionally, you are moderating and managing your responses.

Burst into tears if you feel like it! Let him know how you feel. Be raw and open and honest.

Then work together on how you can manage time and need.

Flowers for your chemo, OP, and a good outcome. It is huge, what you are going through.

PurpleBiro21 · 21/05/2021 08:34

Well clearly he is capable of compassion and assistance, why did he not show that to you?

How was your relationship previously, has he checked out?

I’d have a conversation with him.

And Flowers for you. I’m glad you are on the mend

VoodooQueenofthebayou · 21/05/2021 08:52

You need to be very clear to him what you want and what you expect. He's not going to get it unless you spell it out. Suspect he's putting his head in the sand.

You also need to tell MIL that whilst you are there to support her you also need time with your husband and kids to process what is happening with you. Ordinarily I'd say this should come from your husband but its too urgent and needs to be said soonest rather than dragged out

It is vital to your recovery that stress doesn't make things worse, so this is serious.

cupoftea2021 · 21/05/2021 08:52

@Slightlylostalongtheway

Come on mumsnet I need your help!
Have you told your husband you want him alone with you for some time? Have you got a person to vent it out too? Some mothers are quite overbearing of son's I never understood it myself.
ConfusedAdultFemale · 21/05/2021 08:54

I’d have booted his arse out by now, you have cancer and he’s not supporting you in any way. It’s clear where his priorities lie and it’s not with you Flowers

Original poster
Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 09:31

Thank you so much for your replies! I spoke to him this morning (he's off work to take his dm to an appointment...shock!) I've said if I'm going to do this alone he may as well stay with his mum because that's where his head is at. I've asked him to think back over the last few weeks and explain to me how at any point I could feel like I was valued in our relationship. He has got very upset and explained that he feels like he's actually able to "do something" for his dm and that the fact that everything that I am going through is dictated by treatment and so he feels useless and because his mum is demanding he thought it would be better to keep her on a short leash.
He's an only child, very much wanted but took a long time to have. He nearly died when he was 2 in a freak accident so dm is almost obsessed with him. Refers to him as "my son" rather than his name and her self as "your mum needs...." it's all messy! Normally he is a wonderful husband and father, equal shares in housework, childcare etc. Listening to him this morning he's scared and hiding rather than facing it but I've said I can't do it alone if he's still here, whereas if he wasn't I'd have to.
I've had my first surgery and start radiotherapy Monday. They're really confident that it will be easy to deal with (as easy as it can be) so I'm sure I will be fine but I want to come out of the other side stronger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 09:34

I'm on oral chemo which isn't as rough as full chemo but it is for a longer time...still the not great side effects my beautiful long curly blonde hair is gone.

OP posts:
GirlFridays · 21/05/2021 09:44

You poor sweet darling! Sending you the very biggest ever hug in the world!

I really hope you feel better ASAP and your beautiful hair grows before you know it. Flowers

Chamomileteaplease · 21/05/2021 09:46

It sounds like you managed to explain to your dh how you have been feeling and he was able to explain his strange behaviour. Which is great.

Did he say he would change his behaviour and become more supportive?

Did he say he would forget the short leash approach and spend a lot less time with his mother?

OK so getting divorced is not easy, but that's what friends are for. Unbelievably it sounds like your dh needs to explain that his wife has bowel cancer and it is a serious illness! Does she not get it??

I would ask him to tell her he won't be available more than eg once a week for a while as he is supporting his wife.

I am so sorry that you are having to direct these people to normal, supportive behaviour. Believe in yourself and what you need at the moment.

I wish you well Smile.

GirlFridays · 21/05/2021 09:51

They are both behaving very very strangely, but apparently it’s extremely common for people to not know how to behave all of a sudden when someone becomes very ill.

I would be tempted to order them both a book on the subject if they are so clueless and burying their head in the sand.

“DH, please read up about this subject, as I really need some understanding and support”.

Original poster
Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 09:57

His mother is very strange when it comes to James. No woman would ever love her son the way she does and her one up man ship is amazing...if you've been to tenerife she's been to elevenerife! If you've got a cold she's fighting flu etc!
He's going to have set times to see her. He's said that she will have to drive herself to her appointments after today. They are going to talk about it on the way home. I just feel like I'm being demanding and selfish by asking for some support for me. Thank you mumsnet for making me realise I'm not.

OP posts:
UpTheJunktion · 21/05/2021 09:59

Oh, OP, you don’t need to qualify what you are going through.

Your DH has been ‘solution focussed’. Yes your treatment will ‘solve’ your illness, but you need TLC and emotional support. Of course you have questioned your mortality - he needs to be alongside you for that. He needs to let you know how beautiful you are with or without your hair.

Tell him to share his fear with you- that at least would let you know you are valued. That alongside you he has an emotional response.

He needs to say to his Mum “SlightlyLost” needs me on those days and I can’t take more time off work, is there a way we could rethink you getting to your appointment?”. Etc.

Obviously he doesn’t want to callously abandon his Mum, but actually she should be thinking about the huge worry he has in his plate with your diagnosis.

Plan your surgery days and recovery very carefully with him. And banish ‘it’s not as bad as...’ from your vocabulary.

Sending love and strength.

Daleksatemyshed · 21/05/2021 10:04

So many men look at a problem as something practical to solve, your DH can't do that for you but he could support you emotionally. Sadly it's easier giving his DM a lift than facing his own emotions. Keep telling him you need his support, for him to make your life as easy as he can on a practical level which gives him a way to help. It's sad that your MIL doesn't seem to understand how much greater your needs are and is happy to take up all his time, very selfish of her. I'd tell your DH he's making a big mistake by doing too much for her, now she's got used to it he's going to find it very difficult to pull back without upsetting her too. Good luck with your treatment and getting yourself well again

VoodooQueenofthebayou · 21/05/2021 10:23

You are not being demanding.

'In sickness and in health' remember.

Don't put yourself last and don't let others.

Nobody puts baby in the corner GrinFlowers

GirlFridays · 21/05/2021 10:33

If anyone ever deserves tender loving care and support, that person is you and the time is now!

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