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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being a b1tch?

67 replies

Slightlylostalongtheway · 16/05/2021 17:12

So, 8 weeks ago I was diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's stage 2 so not as bad as it could be and the prognosis is good but it has made me face my mortality and at 30 that's a challenge. However, my dh has not been to a single appointment with me (covid rules etc) which has been hard. But now his dm has announced she is divorcing his df and needs my dh all the time. I am feeling like a third wheel in my own relationship and struggling to cope with dealing with my own issues and running around after my melodramatic mil. I get that it must be hard but she is either at our home or on the phone all the time. He drops everything, booking time off work to drive her to places (she has her own car) and she comes everywhere with us (even food shopping) and yet he hasn't booked a single day off to be with me despite me dealing with chemotherapy. I just want some time with my dh and our dc alone. So my question is am I being a b1tch or should I suck it up and realise she is having a hard time?

OP posts:

MrsMaizel · 21/05/2021 10:37

There is a helplessness associated with cancer when a loved one is diagnosed with it . That sounds like you had a positive chat though and hopefully he gets it a bit more now . I don't know how old his Mum is but does she really need driving around ? There is nothing wrong with her referring to him as " my son" 🤔 but she does need to step up and be more self reliant esp as it sounds like she initiated the divorce ? Wishing you well OP.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/05/2021 10:45

@MrsMaizel

That depends on the context surely? If she says "oh my son went to that school" to someone, that seems pretty normal. If she says "could you ask my son to set the table" to OP/the grandkids, that seems kind of fucking odd 🤨

You're not a bitch in the slightest OP and your MIL is pretty selfish to demand your husbands attention when your thing is far bigger than hers.

Original poster

Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 14:59

@MrsMaizel it's things like her phone rings and she will say to me "ooh that'll be my son..." or if I say I'm doing ...for tea her reply will be my son has always liked that, he used to like it when I... etc! So it's really weird to me.
She certainly doesn't need driving around, she's only in her 50s and will drive anywhere when she feels like it but at the moment it seems like she can't do anything without her son

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 21/05/2021 16:30

I'm a breast cancer survivor (almost three years out) and I cannot imagine my husband behaving in such a way! You have the patience of a saint because I'd already have had a come to Jesus conversation with him. Best of luck! I'm so sorry on the loss of your beautiful hair. I was fortunate to not need any chemo.

Snakeprint · 21/05/2021 16:33

What? Omg ... your Dh needs to grow a pair or fuck off and take mil with him. Sorry about your prognosis.

TurquoiseDragon · 21/05/2021 17:11

It's good that he's taking your latest talk on board and will speak with his mum, but be aware that you may need more than one chat to get him out of the habit of pandering to his mum (who sounds a lot possessive to me).

Also, he needs to help in making and keeping a firm boundary over the idea that she has a say in how your home is run, or anything associated with this.

I'm in my early 50s, and no way am I that possessive over my DC.

JackieQueen · 21/05/2021 19:06

So sorry you're going through this op, hope your husband steps up for you. Wishing you all the very best.

Original poster

Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 19:52

Honestly @EKGEMS the patience has all but flown out of the window! She's turned up again this evening with a steak for him because "I know Slightlylostalongtheway won't treat you to one of these" and followed it up with "what are we doing tomorrow son?" Arghhhh! He stepped up though and said actually mum, I'm going to have the day with lost and the kiddos a bit of us time. Queue the tears and you don't know what it's like for me at the moment. I'm a hairs breadth from saying it's ok we can do something but that's what always happens and she gets her way and I feel rubbish

OP posts:

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/05/2021 19:55

She's being such a manipulative cow. Do not back down and do not let your husband back down either.

And showing up with a steak saying she knows you wont treat him to one. I'm sorry, did she miss the memo that you are ill?!

MeridasMum · 21/05/2021 20:12

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're so unwell but great to hear about the positive prognosis.

Get DH to tell her how tired you both are and you really need a Friday evening to yourselves. He'll call her in a day or two. Maybe he'll drive her home?

YOU are his priority now. He needs to love her and support her when he can but she is secondary to you and the DCs and she needs to understand that.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 21/05/2021 20:15

It's almost unbelievable that she's behaving that way when you have cancer. What planet is she on?

UpTheJunktion · 21/05/2021 21:08

Oh, goodness.

For his own sake he needs to get some boundaries laid down.

Can he call her and say "Look Mum, Lost has cancer. She is going through some very frightening treatment in order to save, we hope, her life and I am sure you can imagine that I am finding it very hard to deal with. I know things are hard for you at the moment, I have helped when I can, but given what Lost is going through I don't think it is fair to get upset and cry in front of her because I cannot go out with you for the day. I will always be there in an emergency, but you need to seek support from your friends and other family members"

VoodooQueenofthebayou · 21/05/2021 21:49

Sounds like she's trying to replace her husband with her son 🙄

He did the right thing though.

Original poster

Slightlylostalongtheway · 21/05/2021 22:03

Very much so @VoodooQueenofthebayou

@UpTheJunktion that's pretty much the conversation he's just had with her, he's said he's not pushing her away and he understands she's going through a tough time but so are we and we are a team that need to be together to get through it.

I still feel awful for doing it but I just needed my own space to get better. In my heart I know that it's for the best because she needs to not use him as a surrogate husband as well. But @Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep is right, I don't know what planet she is on most of the time. It's certainly one that revolves around her.

We've promised to have tea with her one night next week but this weekend is just us. I'm sure as one of you said I am going to need to have this conversation more than once but thanks to you lot I've got my big girl pants on and I'm ready

OP posts:

UpTheJunktion · 21/05/2021 22:26

Well done OP, and well done your DP for listening, copping on and being direct and honest with his Mum.

Have a lovely weekend.

Polkadots2021 · 21/05/2021 22:29

Sounds like she's a flaming narcissistic and he's never dealt with it head on but given in literally every time in his life to placate her. She'll get nasty and very manipulative the second he steps out of his box and I guess he realises this. I know this as I have one in the family too.

None of this is your problem. You have cancer and you have a surgery (you're amazing for handling all this!) & what she thinks and says right now is an irrelevance-you need to focus on you. Her competitive illnesses & problems or whatever else she'll cook up to take the 'attention' off of you should be summarily ignored. It sounds that your husband had a good chat with her but I think he will have to face up to the idea that he's going to have to start pushing back a lot harder with her from now on.

Sorry that you have to put up with this bullcrap when you are going through so much.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2021 22:32

This made my jaw drop. Your H is being horrendous. I’m angry on your behalf, what’s wrong with him?!

for you and your speedy recovery.

partyatthepalace · 21/05/2021 22:57

So sorry you are going through this OP.

It’s great your DH has stepped up, vital he does, because if she’s been like this so far, she could become a 35 year nightmare of dependence for you both.

You certainly aren’t being selfish. You will have to have this conversation more than once , and personally I would absolutely point out to her that when it comes to life challenges having cancer at 30 w young kids, trumps getting divorced in your 50s.

Lollypop4 · 21/05/2021 23:08

Your DH is being pretty awful towards you tbh.
You need to step up to your MIL more ,
If you don't want her round- tell her straight,Be blunt!
She sounds like a selfish horrible cow tbh.

billy1966 · 21/05/2021 23:36

Unbelievable OP.

Your husband needs to step up very quickly because his relationship with his mother in her 50's is very odd.

I'm well and truly in my 50's and she sounds like a really selfish woman.

You were absolutely right to suggest he move home.

His judgement is appalling.

YOU are far too accommodating.

She is not a nice woman.

I would not want her so involved in my home.

The steak remark is rude, ignorant and frankly moronic.

I couldn't be listening to such shite.

Mummy's boys must be up there with the most unattractive of men.

I really hope your treatment goes well.

PinkSatinMoon · 22/05/2021 02:16

OP I hope your treatment goes well... you lady deserve better 🌸

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2021 02:39

I am so so sorry for the battle you're undergoing, op.

I would be FUCKING RAGING if I were you. I really hope your husband has finally pulled his head out of his arse.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/05/2021 02:58

I find it really strange that he can’t see what he needs to do for you. My partner has not had cancer but I imagine that if they were ill and needed treatment then I would need to attend where possible, step up at home (eg take over more of the household chores) and give emotional support.

I’m glad he has started to put boundaries in place. I think he also needs to encourage her to fill her life. It doesn’t sound like she works. She needs to look at new hobbies, volunteering. And quite frankly if she really cared about her son she would be offering to take the DC, dropping round meals etc. she sounds very self absorbed .

HarebrightCedarmoon · 22/05/2021 03:01

MIL sounds manipulative and narcissistic and DH sounds like a wet lettuce for not standing up to her. I'd suggest to him he sorts his priorities out PDQ or else he can go and live with her. If MIL's only in her 50's so you could have another 40 years of this. Have you any other friends and family supporting you?

Original poster

Slightlylostalongtheway · 22/05/2021 03:19

Husband is brilliant in everything else, he really is. As soon as the word cancer was heard it's like he derailed then, he fell to pieces. We've had such a great evening talking it all through. No arguments, just raw honesty. We've agreed to book some counselling and address cancer, support and his mother!
Normally he puts up with her for so long before he snaps and sends her packing for a while. She drives him insane at points but as he keeps saying it's his mum.
She is definitely narcissistic and manipulative not to mention that she has every passing illness known to man.

OP posts:

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