Am I being a b1tch?

[Slightlylostalongtheway]

So, 8 weeks ago I was diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's stage 2 so not as bad as it could be and the prognosis is good but it has made me face my mortality and at 30 that's a challenge. However, my dh has not been to a single appointment with me (covid rules etc) which has been hard. But now his dm has announced she is divorcing his df and needs my dh all the time. I am feeling like a third wheel in my own relationship and struggling to cope with dealing with my own issues and running around after my melodramatic mil. I get that it must be hard but she is either at our home or on the phone all the time. He drops everything, booking time off work to drive her to places (she has her own car) and she comes everywhere with us (even food shopping) and yet he hasn't booked a single day off to be with me despite me dealing with chemotherapy. I just want some time with my dh and our dc alone. So my question is am I being a b1tch or should I suck it up and realise she is having a hard time?

sorry his dm is going through a rough time with a divorce sure its awful but he's your husband and should with you if youre ill. What a knob !

Also forgot to say @EKGEMS so pleased you're through it and a survivor. I'm looking forward to it all being over!

Firstly I just wanted to wish you all the very best in your recovery. You sound absolutely lovely and so strong

I think, for some, even the word cancer can send them a bit weird, it’s like they don’t feel they know how to deal with it so they just.. don’t. Add into that the issue of feeling that they have to help or do something, which often is impossible with cancer treatment and it’s all a bit of a headfuck. Which rather sounds like your husband at this point, especially if he is normally great. I’m not saying that his feelings trump yours as honestly I think he needs to get a grip but I do understand the way he seems to be reacting.
I think it’s brilliant that you’ve talked, that he’s taken what you’ve said on board and seems to be putting it into practice with his mother, despite her selfish theatrics. I also think it’s a very positive step talking about going to counselling. It bodes well both for your marriage and for your future.
What I will say tho, is that it’s entirely possible, given how ingrained this weird relationship is with his mother, that you may well need to push him a few more times before he really gets it into his head, and you will have to be strong yourself and resist her emotional blackmail. She is being breathtakingly selfish and hurtful towards you and you need to remain firmly comfortable in the knowledge that you are not, in any way, being cruel by implementing changes and asking your husband to put you first.

@Ughmaybenot thanks so much for your message it was so thoughtful.
You're right it is ingrained, she didn't speak to me in English for the first 6months (she's Spanish) and she is very dramatic. Over the course of our relationship she has been a source of many arguments. This is going to change because we don't need a third wheel, we need to have an appropriate time set with her.
I'm already using counselling for the cancer changes (stoma = huge change) and that's helping so I can only see things getting better using it for us as well.
I want to thank everybody for their messages because it has given me the much needed boost

Good luck with it all OP

Be aware she may ramp it up in response to being told but boundaries must be maintained just like tantrumming toddlers. I imagine she is actually feeling jealous of you in a perverse way for the 'attention' cancer gets.

@FijiCavanaugh

Good luck with it all OP

Be aware she may ramp it up in response to being told but boundaries must be maintained just like tantrumming toddlers. I imagine she is actually feeling jealous of you in a perverse way for the 'attention' cancer gets.

I was kind of thinking this.. it seems a bit of an (in)convenient time for her to announce this divorce.

If it was me, I would have gone "Oh shit, I'll keep quiet until she's gone through the worst of it at least", but not this gem of a MIL.. it just screams of "but I am the centre of my son's universe!!".

Feel free to correct me if you feel I'm completely wrong here though, OP.

@JesusIsAnyNameFree I would love to correct you but unfortunately I can't! She actually lost her ever loving mind because I went into labour the day before her birthday party (not her birthday just the party) and had my son. She celebrates all her birthdays for a week, each day is a different activity. She's very much got to be the centre of attention for everything.
My DH is the kind of man that goes out of his way for everyone and people naturally gravitate to him but his mother wants his undivided attention whenever she is around. I'm just the incubator that carried round his clones (apparently they look nothing like me). Wow I sound so bitter, I'm not honestly. I love him, I'm just so exhausted with my treatment and the energy vampire that is his dm

Christ, she sounds absolutely horrendous. A week?! She's not some fucking empress 😐

I really feel for you OP. Having to live with this must be horrible at the best of times, but with your current battle it must be so exhausting, I can't even imagine. I'm glad your husband has listened to you. I imagine having lived with her for his whole life, it will be difficult to break this cycle, but it sounds like he is well on his way to becoming a better husband to you and being able to put his foot down with her.

I really hope you get through all of this with a bright future with far less MIL in it

She celebrates all her birthdays for a week, each day is a different activity. She's very much got to be the centre of attention for everything.

She sounds utterly exhausting 🌸

She's in her 50s!!!!! Good grief, why does she need him to do so much for her, she's younger than I am and I would manage perfectly well by myself. You are most certainly not being a b1tch, in fact I think you are behaving extremely well in the circumstances. Your DH needs to man up and put you first, and as a pp said he sounds like a wet lettuce for not standing up to her. I'm an only child and neither of my parents would ever have expected me to help them over a DP with a serious illness. All the best for your treatment

Thank you. I am utterly drained with her. I think dh just does it to avoid histrionics! He's had it all his life. She has told me about throwing previous gf of his out of the house and that they broke up not long after. Almost like if I want rid of you I can! Me and dh have spent the last few evenings (since I posted here) discussing everything and he has promised it is going to be different. He will help her but with boundaries. It's a work in progress

She is not lovely - she is a manipulative horror. The next time she turned up I would tell her that if she didn't get out, I'd throw her out. Ban her from the house. Not only is there a sickness and health bit in the marriage vows there is also a bit about forsaking all others. I would be completely impervious to her carrying on as I pushed her out the door. She does this because she has been let get away with it. She can wail all she likes in the backyard. If she kept it up, I'd call the police. I would have thrown that steak out with her as well. I guarantee that if she met with a fiery response she would be backing off. Actually it would be even better if your husband ejected her from the house but you can't expect miracles. I'm not Anglo Saxon so I urge you to abandon Anglo Saxon reserve temporarily. After all she was perfectly prepared to throw out previous girlfriends. I'd be wising up my children to manipulative granny too.

So pleased you had the conversation with your dh and he listened and was able to explain to you.

I’m sure mil will ramp it up but sounds like your dh is now alert to it and understands that he needs to put you first now

I’m very pleased to hear he is listening to you OP. Good luck with your treatment x

@Rangoon I have now reached the point where I'm not taking it anymore. I've booked my children into after school club all week now because she would collect the once a week (when it suited her) and I've said that stops now because she's over ruling me with snacks before tea and says what happens at abuelas (Spanish for gran) stays at abuelas! Finally finding my voice and dh is being really supportive, he was shocked but gets it and said we are a team and getting us through this is his priority. Feel like a ton weight has been lifted

Awesome update @Slightlylostalongtheway ! I have faith you'll get through this!

Well done OP.

You sound like such a calm practical woman.

Your husband is so lucky.

You need to stop down playing what you are going through and start chanting "Im dealing with cancer, I'm not dealing with her shit too".

She is an absolute disgrace.

I'm glad your husband is agreeing with you.

After you are through this, you WILL reflect on your friendships and relationships.

I have had a number of friends go through this the past nearly 4 years and each of them have been changed by the experience.

You will NOT regret no longer tolerating her drama.

Tell your husband what is happening and to deal with HIS mother.

You do not want her or histrionics around you.

You have quite enough to deal with it!