Gender Fluid

[WiltshireMitford]

My male partner of 13 years has recently told me that he/she is gender fluid. We have two daughters and this is relatively new info. A couple of years ago he decided to try and spice things up a bit and talked to me about how he was into the idea of me dominating him and being his “mistress” he also told me that he likes wearing ladies underwear and wanted me to use a strap on with him. Being a fairly accommodating sort I tried all of the above but the knickers were not my thing. I cannot explain why but the thought of this really upset me. As a bit of context, his father transitioned 20 years ago and it had a very damaging effect on his family. My partners mum tried to kill herself twice and my partner had to deal with that. It’s still a big issue. Anyway, he also talked to me about how he had wondered if he was gay in his 20’s. I soon found that sex became solely focused on non penetrative sex and really all about his pleasure. He would want to try and use a strap on with me and kept coming to bed in knickers in spite of me saying it made me very uncomfortable. A month ago, I found some female blouses in his wardrobe and I asked him if he felt that the feminine side was escalating. He admitted it is. I asked him to seek some therapy about this and many other issues, he is a very lovely person but has communication issues. The most open he has been really is about sex. Anyway, he says his gender specialising therapist has advised him he is most likely gender fluid not necessarily trans. All of which makes some sense to me. BUT our relationship has been very difficult over the years and this has felt like the final nail on the coffin for me. I feel that I have been lied to but I know it was impossible for him to be honest with me because of the history in his family. But I do not fancy the feminine side of him at all. I am. Probably boringly heteronormative and I just am not imaginative or able to continue on this path. I have been online and what staggers me is that all online advice is about to support your partner and virtually nothing about how if feels to mourn the end of your relationship from the other side. I feel so unsupported. And I also feel sad I cannot say how upset I am. Instead I am meant to celebrate this new situation. We are being very kind and sensitive with each other. I have a therapist and I feel strong but also miserable. It’s not the only reason we are breaking up but I feel sad and am being jolly and supportive and wonder when I will be given the same level of understanding and support back. Childish I know. Is anyone going through this too?

Why have I been denied?

Try the trans widow thread I think there is on here. You don’t have to be supportive, his sounds like a kink to be honest not body dismorphia as it is clearly sex based. I could not be doing with that bullshit at all. Sorry you’re going through this.

Thanks. I am just exhausted by it all. I feel very alone. And yearn for a quiet life. But sad and lonely too.

Probably boringly heteronormative and I just am not imaginative or able to continue on this path
I won't pretend to know all the ins and outs of this and was going to suggest the trans widow thread too. But I just wanted to say that you don't have to go along with anything and please don't feel that you have to.

Second the trans widows thread and its predecessors, in feminism chat:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t have to be talked into indulging his fetishes or being ‘supportive’. Good luck

He seems quite self-absorbed.

What do you need to do to end this?

I couldn't be with someone who naval gazed like this.

It does sound like some sort of fetish i.e autogynephilia. The trans widows threads would be good reading for you.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Of course you aren't going to celebrate this. What utter claptrap. Ignore anyone who tells you that you have to be welcoming or even understanding of this. Why do his wants and needs trump yours? "Woke" people trampling all over your boundaries and essentially placing your needs last.

I feel also, that you have been somewhat lied to and duped into having children with him, because he wasn't honest with you from the start. So you find yourself now without a true partner to raise your children with. Maybe had you known the truth, you wouldn't have tied yourself to him. Makes me think of Philip Schofield and his poor wife.

I am the same as you - completely straight, and I could not give this one iota of brain space. There is no amount of money that could make me tolerate this in a partner. I fancy manly men. My vagina, my rules as to who gets near it.

Have you seen the recent posts from the Super Straight Community? I'll try to find a link. Basically, a shit ton of heterosexual people are getting mighty fed up of their straightness being challenged or labelled as homophobic and they are fighting back. They want LGBTQ to be renamed LGBTQSS. Quite funny really.

It's horrible having to leave a relationship when you don't really want to, but the the person leaves you no other viable options. But you can do it, and come out the other side. I left my first husband (20 year relationship) because he was constantly unfaithful. It took me 4 years to make the leap. Happily married to someone else now. Best thing I ever did - he's a faithful man. I suspect that in 5 years time, you'll be with someone new, and your partner will still be naval gazing.

We have agreed our relationship is over. He is sleeping on the sofa. I am being very supportive and really want to keep things steady for everyone. I feel that it might be a road to fully being a woman and I am not sure I properly understand any of it really. I feel sad he wasn’t honest with me sooner. There is also huge relief not to have to make it work and feeling sad every time we have sex. I feel so sad and lonely though. And confused about the world he is in.

Thank you for your comments. It helps. Xx

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I think there are a heap of things to separate out here.

First, i think you can be supportive of someone without necessarily being happy. If he'd come out as gay, for example, I don't think anyone would expect you to be doing flips with excitement at the end of your relationship. But you can still be supportive of someone trying to come to terms with their identity, though it is incredibly challenging. And I agree that there needs to be more support for partners.

Second, being supportive doesn't necessitate taking part in sexual activity that you do not enjoy or are not turned on by - and, of particular importance in your account - does nothing for you at all. My partner likes to play with his gender presentation, and we play around with who is dominant and who is submissive. But we both enjoy that. That's the key difference. You've been supportive, you've tried it out, you haven't enjoyed it. And that is really absolutely fine. It doesn't make you 'boringly heteronormative'. It makes you heteronormative in your sexual preferences and gender attraction, and that really is ok.

This is a hard thing that you are both going through, and it does not making you anything-phobic to feel sad at the change in your relationship. I suppose it's probably fairly unsurprising that someone going through a huge journey of self-discovery becomes pretty self-absorbed, but you don't have to tolerate that. You can allow the exploration, but remind him that his individual journey is affecting your joint experience as a couple.

These stories always remind me a little of a couple i knew, where the woman had a catastrophic brain injury that entirely changed her personality. her husband struggled for years to deal both with his grief of effectively losing his wife, and his guilt of feeling like he was doing something wrong in not loving her anymore. They had a lot of therapy together, eventually split but very amicably and are now very close friends. it is possible, but very hard.

That’s such a lovely email wishfuldreamer. Thank you

Pleas

He will never fully 'be' a women. It is not biologically possible to change from one sex to another. You can change your secondary sexual characteristics through surgery and hormones and you can dress and perform to some truly horrendous backwards-looking cultural stereotypes but you will and can never become the opposite sex.

I am sorry you are going through this. I echo the suggestion to seek out the transwidow's threads.

Sorry OP, we cross posted. Thanks for the update - big hugs.

So sorry I pressed send by accident

Another vote for the trans widow thread. Your poor children and poor you. I couldn't be with anyone who wasn't hero normative or whatever it's called now. I respect everyone who chooses to but it just isn't for me.

Hope you are ok. This isn't your fault.

The person who needs the support is you and your DC.

When is he planning to leave?

I believe you'll feel much better once he is out of the house.
Do you have a house to sell? How old are the DC?

No plans to leave yet. I don’t want him to feel pushed out. We aren’t married. The house is mine in name and I have paid for it. I am worried about where and how he will support himself. But I have been financially responsible for us all in the main. He has a decent job now so trying to see if he can do the planning himself. Trying hard not to make it happen by suggesting plans. He isn’t a bad person. It’s just sad and depressing. But also a relief I guess for him to have some honesty and clarity. I feel I would be better on my own but worried about the kids. He is a lovely daddy.

I am worried about where and how he will support himself

He's a fully grown man, and it sounds as though you've been carrying him for a very long time. I'm sad to say, that in my experience as soon as he's hooked up with someone else or like minded people, he won't afford you the same care or consideration.

How old are you? How old are the kids? You can't really move forward with him camped out on your sofa!!

I am older than him. We met when I was 39 and I’m 53 he is nearly 40. The age gap is a “thing” for me. Our kids are 8 & 12. I know he has every intention of being a good dad. And I hope that will be the case. I had a dream he met someone last night and even though it was a dream I found it upsetting. Even though I know I cannot be with him. Irrational! X

As well as looking at the transwidows threads, you might find this website helpful: www.transwidowsvoices.org/

You don’t need to be supportive. He has fundamentally and unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

"I am being very supportive"

Why? Your partner, father of your children, has chosen to follow a path that you can't join him on. I'm not sure why you have to support that. I mean, I don't think you should be punishing him obviously, or actively making life hard. He has chosen to bring something into your family that changes everyone else's experience, without your consent. It's his job to manage that.

If he decided unilaterally to join the army and be away and at risk a lot, you'd expect consultation and a joint decision.

If you decided to give up work, sell your house and travel on a houseboat you'd expect that to be a joint decision.

If he wanted to be polyamorous, you'd expect to be consulted and to have a say.

He doesn't get to do this and expect your support, especially given he knows the impact it had on his family growing up.

Unpopular view but anyone who is obsessed with gender and thinking they're a man and a woman or neither needs counselling or psychiatric help.
Funnily enough it's always men who pull this stunt.
Idk a lot of men seem to think they're women. I think it's a deep rooted fetish and mummy issues.
Needless to say I have no time for it and would tell your partner to do one.