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Relationships

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Original poster

He kissed his friend

78 replies

Popsi0 · 14/05/2021 13:23

I've namechanged but I'm so shocked and I really don't know what to do.

I've got a 6 week old ds and I've been with my partner for 3 years. Last night my partner told me he needed to tell my something as he felt guilty. He told me that a couple of weeks ago he kissed his (male) friend. He said he doesn't know why but he isn't gay and he isn't attracted to him.

I'm so shocked and really don't know where to go from here..

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 15/05/2021 02:37

There has to be more than he is telling you.

Do you know the friend?

1forAll74 · 15/05/2021 03:41

I don't think this is classed as cheating, he has already told you about the happening.. You will just have to talk it through with him,and see if you have anything to worry about in the future.

user1468105798 · 15/05/2021 04:27

@1forAll74

I don't think this is classed as cheating, he has already told you about the happening.. You will just have to talk it through with him,and see if you have anything to worry about in the future.

Seriously?? Have a word with yourself and aim higher!!! Men do not just kiss their friends on a night out!! And it most certainly is cheating!!He has obviously confessed before the friend tells and I presume he has had bisexual feelings before and will probably engage in activity with men in the future. Sorry op but my best friend is bisexual, he loves women and dates them but in his own words he loves cock too!!

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 15/05/2021 04:40

He’s gay

Veronika13 · 15/05/2021 05:33

I don't believe he just confessed because 'he felt guilty'. He would have stashed that little secret away if he could.

There was a threat of this coming out somehow (friend threatened or someone saw him).

It's prob more and it was going to come out. So he pre emptied it by telling you the minimised version.

Bythemillpond · 15/05/2021 05:56

Last night my partner told me he needed to tell my something as he felt guilty. He told me that a couple of weeks ago he kissed his (male) friend. He said he doesn't know why but he isn't gay and he isn't attracted to him

So he dumps this on you to ease his guilt.

He might not be gay but he is bisexual

With a 6 week old this is all really shitty behaviour and whilst some might leave and some might stay if anything I think it is the fact that this was with another man that would have me 2nd guessing everything in the relationship
I think for some, if it had been a woman it would somehow make it more easy to dismiss it as a drunken kiss but with another man will raise questions over the basis of the relationship

flashylamp · 15/05/2021 07:01

It's not a red herring.

If he kissed a woman he'd be a cheat, some women would still stay and work through that though.

Oh. Well that would be a silly move on the woman's part!

If he kissed a man then he's still a cheat, but he's also possibly hiding his sexuality!

His sexuality is irrelevant. It's his commitment in question here.

flashylamp · 15/05/2021 07:03

@1forAll74

I don't think this is classed as cheating, he has already told you about the happening.. You will just have to talk it through with him,and see if you have anything to worry about in the future.

I read a lot of 'classes as cheating' comment on MN and often wonder why people get so tied up in terminology that they miss the fact that their partner is a disrespectful liar. Maybe it's the same kind of woman a pp mentioned that would stay with a man like this and work through it. Maybe women use this 'not classed as cheating' line to justify their poor decisions and weaknesses when it comes to men.

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/05/2021 07:53

There is no evidence to suggest he is gay here, but lots to suggest he is bisexual.

A kiss IS cheating of a kind, but not everyone would immediately leave their partner over it. I wouldn’t. Depends where you draw the line.

I’m very puzzled as to why he told you about this, OP. That’s almost the most worrying thing - is he trying to upset or manipulate you in some way?

Unless he is building up to suggesting a threesome? This would in fact be my assumption in this kind of scenario usually - but surely not when you are six weeks post-partum. The mind boggles.....

bonfireheart · 15/05/2021 07:56

A bit of a jump to a three-some esp when his mate isn't interested. Think he told you purely cos he is worried his mate will say something. No one likes being kissed without their consent so this has potential to blow up for him.

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/05/2021 08:20

@bonfireheart

Is the threesome idea that much of a leap? (I’m not being defensive - I’m happy to be told it is). But to me it seems like quite an obvious way to bring up the concept (if you are not great at discussing things frankly). Testing the water, seeing if your partner goes hey, that’s cool with me, actually I love the thought of you kissing another man...,,

Less likely, I agree, 6 weeks after your wife has given birth.....

flashylamp · 15/05/2021 08:32

Testing the water, seeing if your partner goes hey, that’s cool with me, actually I love the thought of you kissing another man...,,

On what planet is kissing a man in a night out a good way of 'testing the water' re a 3sum?

Surely a conversation would have been adequate.

WhatTodoALL · 15/05/2021 08:43

You can read The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder if you have time

bonfireheart · 15/05/2021 08:50

@Lovelydiscusfish yes basically telling your partner that you physically did something to someone without their consent thinking your partner will say "yes that's so cool, maybe both of should do that more often?"

Beamur · 15/05/2021 08:58

What a tangle.
I think your partner is pretty messed up at the moment. I'd guess there's stuff going on with him that is beginning to unravel. This may not be the end of it and I'm afraid I don't buy his non-explanation either..

LunaNorth · 15/05/2021 09:08

Dear me. You’re 6 weeks post-partum, and your partner dumps this on you? As if you don’t have enough to cope with?

Why is he going out getting pissed, leaving you at home with a tiny baby, let alone attempting to snog his friend?

He sounds an absolute waste of time. Kick the silly sod out, you don’t need a giant baby in your life now you have a real one to deal with.

Strawberrysaxifrage · 15/05/2021 11:12

So he's said he isn't gay (not sure whether to conflate this with him having no feelings towards men at all), but had an inexplicable urge to snog his friend one night when not particularly drunk. Sounds like a proper kiss if he noted his friend did not return it, rather than just a jokey smacker on the lips.

What stands out to me is that he says felt guilty rather than embarrassed or foolish, which is how I'd expect he would have felt if it was just misjudged horseplay, or a drunken lapse in normal behaviour.

I'm not sure what's happening OP but I think your DP needs to explain himself more.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/05/2021 11:29

Few thoughts
This is serious betrayal to instigate a kiss on lips with another person while having a partner plus newborn. He knows this, which is why he feels guilty. I think whether you forgive and work through this depends on how much you think this is a one time mistake and if he is truly remorseful. Many men honestly are only emboldened if forgiven and go on to become serial cheaters. So can’t advise you which way you go as you know him better than I do whether this probably would or would not repeat if you forgive him. It’s hard even to know which type a man is even when they are your partner. Which is why many women will forgive once, but never twice.

Secondly, he is in denial about his sexuality. This is not unheard of especially for bisexuals. There is still stigma in that many people think you are either straight or gay, and bi is just a gay/lesbian person who won’t admit it and come out the closet. So in some ways, it is more socially acceptable today to be gay or straight but not bisexual. This results in many bisexual people denying their sexuality until later in life.

Beamur · 15/05/2021 13:14

I think men often have a big wobble when they have just become father's too.
Suddenly it's all very real and the choices you have seem more shut down.
First and foremost OP, what do you want to happen here?

Onthedunes · 15/05/2021 14:22

Could you speak to his friend privately, that may give you more answers.

It must be incredibly hard for you making that huge decision to create a life together and then finding out your partner may be gay.

Kissing someone is very intimate and shows a level of feelings there, not just lust. You must speak open and honestly about this, you cannot live a life knowing someone you live with is not content with his sexuality.
He needs to be real and so do you.

You are young and will love again, Ive no doubt but this is something you cannot brush under the carpet.
He needs to be truthful.

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/05/2021 14:40

@flashylamp

Testing the water, seeing if your partner goes hey, that’s cool with me, actually I love the thought of you kissing another man...,,

On what planet is kissing a man in a night out a good way of 'testing the water' re a 3sum?

Surely a conversation would have been adequate.

I’m quite patently not suggesting it’s a good way of doing it! It’s a ridiculous and appalling way of doing it, and the act of a total wanker. But also a thing people would do, I imagine.

I can think of at least one woman I know of who did this like this for these reasons, anyway...... I feel like I have heard this scenario more than once to be honest. Done by women not men, like, but I don’t see that that makes much difference.....

InFiveMins · 15/05/2021 14:46

Sorry but I'd be paranoid that he's attracted to men. No straight man I know has ever tried to kiss another man.

wigwoo · 15/05/2021 15:05

I think a few things matter.

Where did he kiss him?
Was it a peck on the lips or an actual snog?
Is the friend gay?

It does all seem a bit strange and context is everything.

Tomyoneandonly · 15/05/2021 16:50

Because all validation of his responsibility of being a dad has gone by being in a emotional state with someone else. How old is baby? Almost new born. He took his wants elsewhere when the mother of his child must of needed him more.

Countrycode · 15/05/2021 19:22

Well he may not be gay but he certainly isn't straight! No straight man I know would ever dream of doing that. He's bi or closet gay (which is what I'd be leaning towards). A deception in itself. I would end the relationship as there's no way I could trust him after that. Sorry OP

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