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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex boyfriend says he misses me and things have been hard but hasn't outrightly said he wants to be with me again. Advice?

68 replies

miamichill · 13/05/2021 05:24

Ex and I dated for a year and we broke up almost 6 months ago. When he did, he expressed a lot of doubt and still does to this day. He cried too when we broke up. He was initiating a lot of contact recently, wanting to see me and clear the air but I declined. I ended up responding to one of his messages once and for all about 2 months later. He replied to what I said and then said it has 'been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what's the alternative?'

He then went on to say that it's really difficult but he tries to leave me alone as he doesn't quite know what to do as he doesn't want to mess with me.

OP posts:

itsme1978 · 13/05/2021 05:32

Why did you split?

Egghead68 · 13/05/2021 05:45

Stay clear and forget about him.

Inthesameboatatmo · 13/05/2021 05:53

I think more info is needed re split for any kind of advice to be given.
Was there coercion, abuse ,or just didnt connect well together.

ThatIsMyPotato · 13/05/2021 05:53

Block him?

AgentJohnson · 13/05/2021 05:59

but he tries to leave me alone as he doesn't quite know what to do as he doesn't want to mess with me.

He’s failing miserably at not messing with you. He’s not confused, he’s a twat whose prioritising playing stupid games over your feelings.

If you want to be messed about further and to not know where you stand, maintain contact, avoid him if you don’t.

.

sarahc336 · 13/05/2021 06:01

He's skirting around the issue is t he so that seems to me like he kinda wants to get back together but also he's got doubts about getting back together. He's not committed here to fight for you, it just sound like he's lonely and testing the waters to me, I'd stay well clear as feel he'd hurt you again in the future, you deserve better xx

chocolateorangeinhaler · 13/05/2021 06:21

Help him out with his wish. If he doesn't want to mess with you then block him on every SM and any other platform you can.
You only dated for a year, by October you will have been split the same amount of time. Move on before you accept having a 'make/break' relationship with him.

Original poster

miamichill · 13/05/2021 06:23

@itsme1978 he claimed at the time, it was the way we handled conflict. We were both going through stressful exams. Also, an age gap of 9 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

miamichill · 13/05/2021 06:25

@Inthesameboatatmo no abuse or anything that you mentioned no. Although, as he said at times he thought I was a bit short tempered. But it was more of being a female, jumping to conclusions and being a bit confrontational. We never argued in person. It was more over text when things were stressful and when I felt he was sort of pulling away.

OP posts:

BagORats · 13/05/2021 06:28

You only dated for a year - just block him and move on, leave yourself free to find someone else.

No need to put up with angsty texts after 6 months away from him

Inthesameboatatmo · 13/05/2021 06:29

@miamichill, in that case it sounds like you really are not compatible, ignore and move on

WaterBottle123 · 13/05/2021 06:34

Block and delete. He's failed to find someone else in that time and so is back sniffing around, grim. Pls don't fall for it.

Trixie78 · 13/05/2021 06:40

So he hasn't said he wants to be with you but he's obviously trying to keep it open as an option for when he finally decides to make up his bloody mind. You don't really say what you want though. What do you want? Tbh he sounds like too much hard work, it really shouldn't be this difficult after a year, you should be having fun. I'd block and move on, life's too short for that shit.

Original poster

miamichill · 13/05/2021 06:44

@Trixie78 I would like to be back with him in a committed relationship. But if it's not going to lead to marriage or something substantial, I probably wouldn't try again.

OP posts:

Orgasmagorical · 13/05/2021 06:48

He's failed to find someone else in that time and so is back sniffing around, grim. Pls don't fall for it.

Either that or the one he left you for has dumped him.

You said you replied to one of his messages' once and for all' but now you're not so clear. Is that just because he's needling away at you or do you think the relationship is worth having another go at?

ItsNotLoveActually · 13/05/2021 06:48

Are you 9 yrs older or is he?
Would you even want him back?
Are all your exams over now?
Do you want a long-term relationship?
Do you miss seeing him?

Orgasmagorical · 13/05/2021 06:50

Cross posted.

You know you want a long term, steady and safe relationship. Knowing him as you do and as he has behaved already, do you think he's the one to have it with?

SpacePotato · 13/05/2021 06:52

He's messing with your head.
You deserve better. Block and move on.

Dozer · 13/05/2021 06:54

Unwise to even consider dating him again, given his behaviour. Dribble, dribble of self absorbed contact.

He hasn’t even said he wants to date you again!

Dating him again would seem unlikely to lead to a good relationship and long term commitment, which you say you seek.

Do yourself a favour, end all contact. There are much better options!!

MindtheBelleek · 13/05/2021 06:58

[quote miamichill]@Trixie78 I would like to be back with him in a committed relationship. But if it's not going to lead to marriage or something substantial, I probably wouldn't try again.[/quote]
Well, if he can’t even actually say he’d like to be in a relationship with you again, and is just angsting around in a text, that’s never going to happen. Block and put him out of your head.

SantiagoSky · 13/05/2021 07:01

Not sure what he meant with "What is the alternative?" but it doesn't sound romantic at all. If he wanted to be with you again surely he can find a much more attractive way of expressing that?

Original poster

miamichill · 13/05/2021 07:33

@SantiagoSky I didn't understand what he meant by that either. Was he wanting me to say 'Oh the alternative is that I really still want us to be together' or.. maybe I should have said something like - alternative is that we work through our issues like adults and stop being feeble. What do you make of this?

OP posts:

Original poster

miamichill · 13/05/2021 07:34

@Orgasmagorical well, he wanted to catch up to clear the air and I declined because it felt like he just wanted to do that for his own reasons (I could be wrong about that), so I thought, ok, I'll just send him what I was going to say. I do think it's worth having another shot at yes. Unsure whether he really thinks that though.

OP posts:

DonnaBeSerene · 13/05/2021 07:36

OP you've had a lot of confused situations with boyfriends, exes, dates over the last 6-9 months. Take some time to be single.

This guy is flaky, block.

Original poster

miamichill · 13/05/2021 07:36

@ItsNotLoveActually he's 9 years older. Yes, I do want him back. Exams are all over now. Yes to wanting a long term relationship and I think we do both miss each other as much which is why it makes it hard that he still really wants to continue being broken up with, well at least, that's what I think. If he hasn't made any moves to indicate he wants to be together again, I'm under the assumption he still wants the break up and rightfully so.

OP posts:

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