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Original poster

Ex boyfriend says he misses me and things have been hard but hasn't outrightly said he wants to be with me again. Advice?

68 replies

miamichill · 13/05/2021 05:24

Ex and I dated for a year and we broke up almost 6 months ago. When he did, he expressed a lot of doubt and still does to this day. He cried too when we broke up. He was initiating a lot of contact recently, wanting to see me and clear the air but I declined. I ended up responding to one of his messages once and for all about 2 months later. He replied to what I said and then said it has 'been very difficult from his end. He felt it was the most appropriate thing was to break up, which has been really hard and he misses me all the time. But what's the alternative?'

He then went on to say that it's really difficult but he tries to leave me alone as he doesn't quite know what to do as he doesn't want to mess with me.

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 13/05/2021 07:45

Move on.

Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 07:50

@Egghead68 I have been trying to but sometimes it's hard especially when he says things like he misses me.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 13/05/2021 07:51

You can't make a future whilst you're looking back at a closed or potentially half opened door.

There are always other men. This isn't some great love affair thwarted by circumstances, it's a relationship that didn't work out and he's and you are keeping each other warm probadly because no one else on the scene. Forget words, listen to his actions.

Some red flags...he said you were confrontational but you believe you raised issues calmly...does he always want you to be "nice"?

Move on, the world is hopefully reopening so there are many more chances to date.

Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 07:52

@Egghead68 I know saying you miss someone doesn't mean a whole lot and there's a factor that you can miss someone and not want to be with them (might be the case here). But - he knows that saying those words would have made me think what I've thought. Also, it something we used to quite often say to each other. He said it once after the breakup, the next day and then only recently again so it holds a fair amount of value.

OP posts:
KeyboardMash · 13/05/2021 07:55

I would like to be back with him in a committed relationship. But if it's not going to lead to marriage or something substantial, I probably wouldn't try again.
You could try saying that to him. Bet he'll run a mile and leave you alone after that. He's trying to reel you back in and keep you available, whilst making no concrete committment to you do he can wriggle away if things start to feel a bit 'together-ish'. Tell him you want a proper relationship and if he isn't going to commit to one - kindly piss off.

bangheadhere40 · 13/05/2021 07:59

Is this the doctor guy again?

Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 08:00

@KeyboardMash unfortunately you are dead right, mate. However as we all would agree on here, do I really need to waste my time with someone who doesn't want something committed? The only thing - many ex-boyfriend/girlfriend back gurus online say to never tell them you want them back/your feelings, let them come to you? But Jesus, how long will I waste not knowing what is going on.

OP posts:
lanatolater2 · 13/05/2021 08:02

I think it's sounds like he's hoovering you. People do this when they see you moving on. Push you away when you're together, pull you back when you're gone.

I was a massive hooverer in my younger years. It's a very toxic behaviour. He probably doesn't even realise what he's doing.

Move on with your life xx

ThatIsMyPotato · 13/05/2021 08:03

If you get back with him would you always have in the back of your mind that he might leave you again?

FinallyHere · 13/05/2021 08:09

how long will I waste not knowing what is going on.

Looking at this from outside, which I know is much easier than being inside it, you do know what is going on.

He is not offering you what you want.

He is testing your boundaries to see whether he can have the short term benefits of a relationship with you without having to make any commitments and be able to say 'but I never promised'

That is what is happening from his side.

The important thing is how are you going to respond? Are you going to go along with this, hoping it will het better ? Or ?

wanadu2022 · 13/05/2021 08:10

Forget whether you want to be with him or not. The issue of how you both communicate and resolve conflict is not going away. Even 6 months later you both cannot have a straightforward conversation on what you want.

It doesn't matter even if he was promising marriage and commitment - unless he has put some thought into WHAT can be done to fix the issue, it will not work. Getting back with an ex only works if both people have a clear idea of what needs to change and how they can do this. He doesn't know and missing you is not enough to get him to consider how to change.

My guess is he wants you to make all the compromises and promise to never lose your temper or react how you do - while not changing anything about himself. Make no mistake, he will only get back if you fall over yourself telling him how you'll be a better gf and make his life easy. Do not do that.

If you couldn't resolve conflict when together, and in 6 months he has come up with no resolution other than these weak texts, you cannot work.

Don't let him keep messaging you like this. Send a clear message saying that either he has a plan for HOW things will be different this time around or he leaves you alone. If he has no plan, just delete and block until you are over him. Otherwise he'll never let you move on until he has!

Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 08:20

@wanadu2022 wonderful advice, thank you. This is what I'll say if he messages me again as I find often whenever we do text, he redirects the conversation back to our break up.

OP posts:
Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 08:23

@FinallyHere at least, the last communication I had with him was that I sent him a messaging saying not to dwell on whether he should text me or not (as I gather from when he said that he tries to leave me alone) and that maybe one day we can be on friendlier terms at the least but I understand if certain things happen and we don't keep in touch. I've decided that until he replies and indicates maybe that things could be worked out, there is no point in me offering for another relationship. At least, not at this stage. I don't really feel a lot of time has passed for us to work on our issues and it may never will.

But of course, by saying that, I wish we could meet up and work through our problems and be sincere about it. This back and forth seems pointless.

OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 13/05/2021 08:27

He’s bored and looking for attention. He’s just dangling you on a string. Seriously, there’s a gajillion more men out there. You don’t need this flappy mess of a thing. If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. He’s had 6 months to make up his mind.

FinallyHere · 13/05/2021 08:29

I agree with @Wiredforsound

If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you.

Take the initiative and block him. Then get on with living your absolutely best life.

ThankYouHunkyJesus · 13/05/2021 08:32

Relationships really don't have to be this much hard work. He's not right for you, block and move on. He's playing games.

Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 08:47

@Wiredforsound I do agree with your sentiment. I'm not reaching out again to him and it's birthday in early June which I will not acknowledge but do you suggest there's anything worth me mentioning to him and then pissing off?

OP posts:
Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 08:47

it's his * ^

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 13/05/2021 09:14

Op is he the medical student that you have posted about before? It feels like you have been on here for the entire relationship in angst because he wouldn’t commit but then would invite you out in public and you saw as a sign of commitment.

Just move on. If he was interested you would know. Maybe he sees you as an ego boost / is lonely and misses you / jut enjoys playing games - we have no way of knowing. Either way he is harming your mental health. Please block him and I would love to see you back here in a couple of years with someone who 100% wants to be with you. UNtil you move on from this guy that won’t happen.

Sorry for all the typos. Dodgy, old phone.

MrsMaizel · 13/05/2021 09:19

He's looking for a shag when he feels like it . FGS block him .

Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 09:20

@stealthninjamum yes he is. No, not to worry! I completely understood you. I also wish I could move to the future and be with someone who 100% wants to be with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 09:21

@MrsMaizel sounds most appropriate but I really don't think that's the case. At least, if we did catch up, it wouldn't lead to sex. I saw him in early December and we only hugged. He hasn't slept with many people and doesn't view sex like a lot of men do, pretty conservative. But we did have good sex. Anyway, of course, it can be a possibility.

OP posts:
Okaythenno · 13/05/2021 09:28

Is this the same wannabe doctor you've been asking the same questions about for months?

If he were interested you'd be together. He's stringing you along, and you are letting him. Cut him loose and block. There is absolutely nothing for you to mention, you're just looking for excuses to keep contact.

Original poster
miamichill · 13/05/2021 09:30

@Okaythenno yes, he is qualified as a doctor now.

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 13/05/2021 09:31

He hasn’t been as successful at dating as he probably imagined he would be after you broke up, and now he wants you on the back burner just in case.

The whole thing sounds like an angsty headfuck. Block him and move on. Things are hopefully going to be back to normal this summer - everyone is going to be out and about and there’ll be loads of opportunities to meet someone better than this drip.