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Original poster

Struggling to cope with aspects of my relationship

78 replies

TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 13/05/2021 04:50

I'm engaged, we've been together 7 years, lived together for a year now. I've been taking antidepressants for 3 years and they affect my libido. I love my fiance and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I find him very attractive, I just have no libido. However, because I want him to be happy we have sex every night. We have spoken in the past about my libido, but couldn't find a solution, as we wanted to stay together, but he wants sex. I now pretend I want it too, because it's easier that way. However, I just can't get into it and I now dread bed time, look for excuses without it being obvious.

I don't know what advice I'm looking for really. Telling him is not an option, because we've talked it through before and the only other solution was splitting up, which neither of us want. Is anyone else in a similar situation and how do you cope?

Please don't judge me, I'm not asking for opinions on whether this is right, just maybe some ways to make it easier. I can't stop the antidepressants, I don't think I'd be here without them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 13/05/2021 04:59

Btw, I've namechanged for this post, I've been on mn for many years under various names.

OP posts:
PlumPlums · 13/05/2021 05:30

I didn't want to read and run and I'm sure that someone else will be along with much better advice but this isn't what a loving relationship looks like. If you don't want to have sex you shouldn't have to go through with it to keep him happy. What about your happiness? I'm going to purposely ignore that you don't want to have sex for what I'm going to say next because I think there is too much to unpick but a relationship is also about compromise... You're going through with something every night that you don't want to do for him. Why couldn't he comprise and accept you don't want to every day. Like I said though this is more an observation and doesn't really address the actual issue which is, imo, really quite serious.

Sakurami · 13/05/2021 05:45

I think even if you had a high libido, if it was expected of you, it would turn you off and I think that daily would be too much for most people - sounds more of a chore than a pleasure!

I have no advice regarding antidepressants- does a low libido mean that you don't think about it and don't really feel it when you're doing it or once you start you enjoy it (if it wasn't every night and it wasn't expected)?

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 05:51

Ive known so many people think they are depressed/are depressed and are on antidepressants yet when they leave their unforgiving relationships magically they realise WHY they were depressed and unhappy and suddenly don’t need them as much any more. I do wonder are you really that happy in this relationship?! Perhaps it is the cause of your worries than something that is collateral damage?

Sex every night is excessive for a lot of people. I don’t think you have a low libido - he has a high one. Why are you making yourself unhappy to make him happy? If you don’t want sex every night then don’t.

He can’t be that underaware you aren’t happy with the situation yet he still puts you in it/ demands his needs are met not yours. I would consider whether this is really the man for you. You aren’t married yet - it’s a hell of a lot easier to get out now rather than after you are married.

When is the wedding?

Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 05:52

Should be unfulfilling not forgiving!

sarahc336 · 13/05/2021 06:06

Having sex every day even with a high libido to me makes it sound like a daily task/chore and that in turn would surely lower anyone's libido?? It would defo make me not want it.
But anti depressants do lower libido, I think most of them do. Have you ever thought about trying cbt and then maybe you could reduce off your meds? X

Couldhavebeenme2 · 13/05/2021 06:14

I'm gonna bite - you do realise that non-consentual sex is rape, right?

Yes, whether or not you agree to going through the motions, the underlying MASSIVE RED FLAG here is that you don't want sex, but are doing it might after night after night to keep the peace.

You talked about it, and the only - THE ONLY - alternative was to break up. Not to wait to see if you can get other medication. Not to reduce the frequency. Not to let him see to himself occasionally. Deal or no deal - sex every day or break up.

That in itself is coersive abuse.

Never mind rape.

YOU need to take control of your future here op, this is so far from what a happy, promising, loving relationship should be.

Thunderdonkey · 13/05/2021 06:19

Are you really saying that there is no middle ground to be had? You have sex every single night or you split up? There is no way to make that easier. I have a healthy libido, but if I had to have sex every night I'm sure it would soon disappear!

Original poster
TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 13/05/2021 13:11

Middle ground wouldn't make any difference. I just don't want to do it at all.

I don't see it as rape because I'm consenting.

I've tried other antidepressants but this is the one that works for me. Most have the same effect anyway. I understand the content that the relationship could be making me unhappy but I do have depression and have suffered on and off throughout my life, before this relationship.

The wedding isn't planned yet due to the pandemic. I do love this man and everything else is fine in our relationship.

OP posts:
Sadieeloise5687 · 13/05/2021 13:38

It’s quite a big thing not to be fine though isn’t it...

I would have a long hard think about what YOU want. Not him and his needs.

Shoxfordian · 13/05/2021 15:53

If you don’t want sex and he does then you can’t carry on with the relationship unless you’d be happy for him to have sex outside of it

BlueVelvetStars · 13/05/2021 16:15

Perhaps you are with the wrong man. Has he ever considered skipping ONE NIGHTS sex for your sake? Does he even consider your needs, because from he here it looks like a big fat NO.

Please take care of your mental and physically wellbeing..🌸💕

Mintlegs · 13/05/2021 16:50

Possibly controversial, ? A vibrator. If you enjoy it more you may be more up for doing it. He should not pressure you to have sex though if you are struggling

Guavafish · 13/05/2021 16:58

I don’t think your matched

Livandme · 13/05/2021 17:11

Everything is not fine in your relationship.
Do you have sex at other times or just every night when he wants it?

I don't think that it's the anti depressants affecting your libido, it's your partner.

BlueVelvetStars · 13/05/2021 17:34

He sounds... unpleasant 🌸

YarnOver · 13/05/2021 18:06

My goodness OP , sex every night!?! Without having issues with libido that would become a chore for anyone. Goodness how absolutely exhausting for you.

Are you saying that he would not be happy with anything less than sex every night? And that you have discussed this but you need to have sex every night.

This is awful OP. You're being treated horribly and it's nothing to do with your libido

Tanningqueen1 · 13/05/2021 18:13

It's a difficult one. I had similar with my DH but the other way around, I have a high libido and his was practically non existent. Might sound selfish but I got so frustrated with it and felt unwanted even though I knew it wasn't about me, years of me pestering him for sex, I left in the end as couldn't cope with it.
If the rest of the relationship is fine would suggest talking again and finding a middle ground, less sex but making it special, candles and quality time. I know you said you've talked before but regular talking is always a good thing, we had times where we'd talk and it would help temporarily or he'd want to and then things would just go back to how they were again which was more annoying in a way. Looking back he probably was trying to make the effort for my sake but it wasn't enough and I just felt unwanted.

Wafflewombat · 13/05/2021 18:20

Think 20 years from now...

Original poster
TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 13/05/2021 19:29

I am having sex with him so he doesn't need to find it elsewhere ..

I just don't feel like it, I'm never aroused, but I do it anyway. If it was someone else it would be no different.

I don't want to use a vibrator. I just am not interested at all in any form of sex, if that makes sense. If I stopped taking antidepressants I'd probably feel different, but I don't think that would be wise.

He doesn't know I don't want to do it. I act willing and he's happy with how it is. If I tell him I don't want to, we're back to not knowing what to do, because we want to stay together, but he likes sex and I don't.

OP posts:
Maunderingdrunkenly · 13/05/2021 19:36

If you’re determined to stay why ask the question?
This will wear you down in the end, it must be like keeping a lid on a scream, always ‘having to’

When you break up a few years down the line, this will more than likely be the reason why.

BlueVelvetStars · 13/05/2021 19:40

OP Im sorry for you .. it shouldn't be this hard 🌸

Anordinarymum · 13/05/2021 19:45

OP I think you are in denial. I do not think your relationship is right for you and if you get married it will drain the very life out of you having to have sex every day in order to stop him from getting it elsewhere... is so very sad.

CaraherEIL · 13/05/2021 19:52

OP,
Say you get married, and have a baby, how is he going to be when you are post natal and can’t have sex for 6 weeks, What about when you are catatonic with the sleepless nights with a newborn?
I cannot comprehend the level of rigidity he has in his expectations. Regardless of your libido it seems to have no reflection on who you are, how your body feels, your emotional state.
I would feel unseen and unheard and it would undermine the ‘happiness’ I perceived I felt in the rest of the relationship.
I think if essential medication alters your sex drive then once or twice a week might be a more sensitive compromise because you find it an ordeal and having to face an ordeal everyday is a nightmare. If it’s every night of the week or you split up then I would feel like a had a partner who could make no concessions to understand me and that is a much bigger problem than a low sex drive.
It rings of if you don’t do it I’ll get it elsewhere which makes me feel grim on your behalf.

Colourmeclear · 13/05/2021 20:04

It doesn't get easier. In my case, my body eventually wouldn't let him in but I told myself that it was worth the pain if it made him happy, you can guess the rest. It's psychologically and physically damaging. It sounds like he's saying he chooses sex with anyone over a non-sexual (possibly only temporary) relationship with you. That can't be very nice to hear and must hurt on some level. If you've had the discussions I expect he knows you aren't really interested in it. What happens if you go one day without having sex?

I'm with someone wonderful now, we we went without sexual contact for years whilst I addressed my MH. He understood and I felt safe in my own bed and could sleep soundly. I will be forever grateful for that. My body is grateful to me too for not putting over people's wants over my needs.