Struggling to cope with aspects of my relationship

[TunnocksTastyTeacakes]

I'm engaged, we've been together 7 years, lived together for a year now. I've been taking antidepressants for 3 years and they affect my libido. I love my fiance and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I find him very attractive, I just have no libido. However, because I want him to be happy we have sex every night. We have spoken in the past about my libido, but couldn't find a solution, as we wanted to stay together, but he wants sex. I now pretend I want it too, because it's easier that way. However, I just can't get into it and I now dread bed time, look for excuses without it being obvious.

I don't know what advice I'm looking for really. Telling him is not an option, because we've talked it through before and the only other solution was splitting up, which neither of us want. Is anyone else in a similar situation and how do you cope?

Please don't judge me, I'm not asking for opinions on whether this is right, just maybe some ways to make it easier. I can't stop the antidepressants, I don't think I'd be here without them.

Every night? Even someone pre-menopausal in their twenties or thirties might find this a bit of a chore frankly. You don't say how old you are, or how old he is, but despite what modern hearsay would have you believe, women's sex drive is directly related to their child-bearing years, hence it drops off after the menopause (for most women). If you are younger than that, then I'm truly not sure how you're going to cope once your child-bearing years are over because you may find that you not only have zero libido, but you actually have an anti-libido, in that you find it extremely difficult to even tolerate him.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here, but basically, I think every night is excessive.

You don’t want a solution OP - you want us to tell you this is fine and you’ll be fine.

You don’t want sex.

You feel you need to have it to stop your partner being unfaithful.

That is not the foundation of a relationship. You will not be fine long-term. You need to face reality and make a decision.

You are having sex to keep a man from looking elsewhere. You are having sex with a man when you do not want to. You are having sex EVERY NIGHT when you do not want to have sex at all.

OK. You have problems, serious problems to do with your sense of Self and of self-worth. These you can address with the help of a good and sympathetic therapist.

But your partner? He is fucking a woman whom he MUST know does not want to fuck him. A woman who is getting no pleasure or joy from it whatsoever. A woman who is pretending. A woman who he has bullied and maneuvered into being unable to say no to him anymore. A woman whose wishes and opinions and pleasure he has no interest in, or care for. He is a man who is happy to fuck someone who does not want to to have sex with him. Do you imagine that he doesn't see your sad desperation and pretense? He does, and he doesn't care.

That makes him the most despicable of men. A man who will take what he wants because HE wants it. You know, OP, what a man like that is called, don't you?

And you want to MARRY him? Do you really hate yourself?

How can we help you to start to love yourself a little?

@Sadieeloise5687

Ive known so many people think they are depressed/are depressed and are on antidepressants yet when they leave their unforgiving relationships magically they realise WHY they were depressed and unhappy and suddenly don’t need them as much any more. I do wonder are you really that happy in this relationship?! Perhaps it is the cause of your worries than something that is collateral damage?

Sex every night is excessive for a lot of people. I don’t think you have a low libido - he has a high one. Why are you making yourself unhappy to make him happy? If you don’t want sex every night then don’t.

He can’t be that underaware you aren’t happy with the situation yet he still puts you in it/ demands his needs are met not yours. I would consider whether this is really the man for you. You aren’t married yet - it’s a hell of a lot easier to get out now rather than after you are married.

When is the wedding?

100% this, especially the top paragraph

So is he saying anything but daily is unacceptable to him? Also to be fair to him you need to tell him how you feel. As I don't think he can make a decision about how much sex is acceptable to him or he needs if he's making that decision under the illusion you want sex.

I hope this makes sense? If he knew you didn't want it and expected sex anyway it would be abuse. But if he doesn't and that's how I read it. Then he just thinking you want sex as he does? Or am I misunderstanding?

I'm not having sex to stop him having sex elsewhere though, I want him to be happy and I want to be with him. He hasn't threatened to leave if we don't have sex. I just can't see another solution other than splitting up.

I would love a solution, I'm not sure there is one. I think I was hoping someone had been in a similar situation and found a way of coping .. I'm not sure. We love each other and want to be together. I think he'd be upset if I told him I have sex just for him.

No children planned, I'm in my early forties and have not really had the urge yet to have children.

@Neonprint

So is he saying anything but daily is unacceptable to him? Also to be fair to him you need to tell him how you feel. As I don't think he can make a decision about how much sex is acceptable to him or he needs if he's making that decision under the illusion you want sex.

I hope this makes sense? If he knew you didn't want it and expected sex anyway it would be abuse. But if he doesn't and that's how I read it. Then he just thinking you want sex as he does? Or am I misunderstanding?

Yes, he thinks I want sex and am enjoying it.

@Colourmeclear

It doesn't get easier. In my case, my body eventually wouldn't let him in but I told myself that it was worth the pain if it made him happy, you can guess the rest. It's psychologically and physically damaging. It sounds like he's saying he chooses sex with anyone over a non-sexual (possibly only temporary) relationship with you. That can't be very nice to hear and must hurt on some level. If you've had the discussions I expect he knows you aren't really interested in it. What happens if you go one day without having sex?

I'm with someone wonderful now, we we went without sexual contact for years whilst I addressed my MH. He understood and I felt safe in my own bed and could sleep soundly. I will be forever grateful for that. My body is grateful to me too for not putting over people's wants over my needs.

I'm sorry Colour

You don’t feel you can be honest with him so you shouldn’t be marrying him.

You’re either a spectacular actress or he knows you’re faking it and doesn’t care as long as he gets a shag.

It sounds really sad and lonely.

@CaraherEIL

OP, Say you get married, and have a baby, how is he going to be when you are post natal and can’t have sex for 6 weeks, What about when you are catatonic with the sleepless nights with a newborn? I cannot comprehend the level of rigidity he has in his expectations. Regardless of your libido it seems to have no reflection on who you are, how your body feels, your emotional state. I would feel unseen and unheard and it would undermine the ‘happiness’ I perceived I felt in the rest of the relationship. I think if essential medication alters your sex drive then once or twice a week might be a more sensitive compromise because you find it an ordeal and having to face an ordeal everyday is a nightmare. If it’s every night of the week or you split up then I would feel like a had a partner who could make no concessions to understand me and that is a much bigger problem than a low sex drive. It rings of if you don’t do it I’ll get it elsewhere which makes me feel grim on your behalf.

He thinks I enjoy it, that I want to. He's not aware that I don't want to.

Maybe I do have problems with self esteem etc. I just want to live with him, marry him. He wouldn't be happy with no sex and that's all that would be ideal for me. There's no compromise. I think if I started to say, not tonight, I'd never have sex.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You don’t feel you can be honest with him so you shouldn’t be marrying him.

You’re either a spectacular actress or he knows you’re faking it and doesn’t care as long as he gets a shag.

It sounds really sad and lonely.

I'm good at acting and he's inexperienced

@Neonprint

So is he saying anything but daily is unacceptable to him? Also to be fair to him you need to tell him how you feel. As I don't think he can make a decision about how much sex is acceptable to him or he needs if he's making that decision under the illusion you want sex.

I hope this makes sense? If he knew you didn't want it and expected sex anyway it would be abuse. But if he doesn't and that's how I read it. Then he just thinking you want sex as he does? Or am I misunderstanding?

Since our last talk, we haven't discussed how often we should do it. He shows me when he wants to have sex and I go along with it. It has been mostly every night unless one of us is ill.

@Haffiana

You are having sex to keep a man from looking elsewhere. You are having sex with a man when you do not want to. You are having sex EVERY NIGHT when you do not want to have sex at all.

OK. You have problems, serious problems to do with your sense of Self and of self-worth. These you can address with the help of a good and sympathetic therapist.

But your partner? He is fucking a woman whom he MUST know does not want to fuck him. A woman who is getting no pleasure or joy from it whatsoever. A woman who is pretending. A woman who he has bullied and maneuvered into being unable to say no to him anymore. A woman whose wishes and opinions and pleasure he has no interest in, or care for. He is a man who is happy to fuck someone who does not want to to have sex with him. Do you imagine that he doesn't see your sad desperation and pretense? He does, and he doesn't care.

That makes him the most despicable of men. A man who will take what he wants because HE wants it. You know, OP, what a man like that is called, don't you?

And you want to MARRY him? Do you really hate yourself?

How can we help you to start to love yourself a little?

This 💯 every word

But is this fair?
On either of you?
How long are you going to be able to keep this up?
Relationships that are healthy are based on honesty and trust. You're acting, and he's going to at some point realise that. I'm sure there must be times when your performance shows reluctance.
Are you going to go on like this for years?
You say he's inexperienced, is he younger?

So much to unpick here but really, more than anything else you owe it to yourself to be open and honest with your OH.

1. It's a common side-effect of many (in fact most if not all) antidepressants to wipe out your libido and not only that they often completely stop any physical response to stimulation - making arousal or orgasm impossible.

1. If that is the case with you, which seems likely, your boyfriend is not learning how to make love to you. All men learn from the women they love - it doesn't come naturally, they need to be guided by a woman's responses. Unfortunately you are not giving him the right feedback so he will never learn how to turn you on. If you carry on not communicating with him this will only get worse over time.

1. Do you know yourself what arousal feels like? Maybe you can taper off the ADs under a GP's guidance and monitor your sexual feelings and responses to see if they start to wake up again. Then do a bit of self discovery and then show your OH what he needs to do.

1. Expecting sex every night regardless of how you are feeling is insensitive and selfish. I get that you pretend to be fine with it but how long does he spend being lovely and setting the mood with fun and loving foreplay etc? You said he shows you when he wants to have sex? Hmm. What does he do to arouse you, I wonder.

You really do need to talk about this - a totally honest heart to heart. If that seems too difficult without support I suggest a course of couples counselling. Good luck.

This is a form of self harm OP.

You can’t stay with him.

Don't be so bloody naive, of course he knows you are taking it. There's literally no way you can act that convincingly every single night doing something you don't actually want to do

Faking it not taking it. Urghh

OK.

Does he know that you're just going along with it or does he think you're actually into it now?

Because all the men I've ever spoken to about sex would feel pretty shitty if they found out someone was having duty sex with them every night.

Plus, it would kill any feelings I had to be forcing myself to do it when I didn't want to.

I just don't see how this can equate to happiness or love for either of you if I'm honest.

And if he does know how you feel, how can you continue to be at your most vulnerable with someone who cares so little for your feelings?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you've actually enjoyed sex? Does nothing at all turn you on?
I feel for you it must be awful but as other people have said the dishonesty after 7 years together is not healthy in a long term relationship.

Op, it isn't fair that you marry him under false pretences. Be honest with him.

Can you imagine if your partner was lying to you to this extent?

Asexuality is another possibility. You aren't compatible either way. You have to learn to be happily single or find someone understanding and compatible. This is no way to live. You can't pretend you are sexually compatible forever.

Are you having any kind of talking therapy to help with your depression? Who prescribed your ADs? Have you talked to them about this?

I sympathise op. The sexual side effects of antidepressants can be very profound but I also fully understand not wanting to mess with your meds if you've found something that works and if your life depends on them.

To those saying that it is a relationship problem in essence, it may be, but it may also be partly the antidepressants. Don't underestimate what they do to your libido. Every night is very frequent sex, but it's not unreasonable of a partner to want some sex. He doesn't sound terribly sensitive to your issues though which is bad bad bad.

I'm sorry, I don't have any answers. There is vortioxetine or buproprion that have fewer sexual side effects but the latter in particular is hard to get in the UK. And I fully understand why you wouldn't even want to try anything else.