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Original poster

Struggling to cope with aspects of my relationship

78 replies

TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 13/05/2021 04:50

I'm engaged, we've been together 7 years, lived together for a year now. I've been taking antidepressants for 3 years and they affect my libido. I love my fiance and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I find him very attractive, I just have no libido. However, because I want him to be happy we have sex every night. We have spoken in the past about my libido, but couldn't find a solution, as we wanted to stay together, but he wants sex. I now pretend I want it too, because it's easier that way. However, I just can't get into it and I now dread bed time, look for excuses without it being obvious.

I don't know what advice I'm looking for really. Telling him is not an option, because we've talked it through before and the only other solution was splitting up, which neither of us want. Is anyone else in a similar situation and how do you cope?

Please don't judge me, I'm not asking for opinions on whether this is right, just maybe some ways to make it easier. I can't stop the antidepressants, I don't think I'd be here without them.

OP posts:
GreenLeafTurnip · 14/05/2021 09:45

It seems entirely pointless to me that you want to marry a man who a) you can't actually talk to about a very big subject between most couples and b) wants you to have sex every night and is completely blind to the fact that you don't. I can guarantee he does know that you aren't enjoying it and is making you anyway. What type of person does that make him?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 14/05/2021 10:02

Look, I don't believe he doesn't know you aren't into it and I don't believe he really thinks sex nightly with someone who has expressed they aren't up for regular sex is reasonable BUT
Let's say he really is that clueless and really believes you've had some kind of conversion and suddenly want nightly sex...you're lying to him. You're letting him have sex thinking you're into it when you're not. What a betrayal that would be! How can you do that to someone you supposedly love?
Now I don't actually think that's what's happening as I am 100% sure he knows he's coercing you and doesn't care but IF what you want to believe is true and he doesn't know - look at what you're doing to him! How can you be together with this massive issue between you?

rosabug · 14/05/2021 10:13

"I am having sex with him so he doesn't need to find it elsewhere .."

What? Are we in1959?

Would you want sex with someone when you know they do not really want to? I wouldn't. He doesn't seem to mind. Sex every night is my idea of a nightmare. And BTW antidepressants kill libido. That's a well known side effect.

You need to look after yourself more. Put yourself centre. That quote of yours says a hell of a lot.

CaraherEIL · 14/05/2021 10:27

So OP everything you say suggests that he believes your acting but he doesn’t actually know the real you anymore. A bunch of strangers on the internet actually know more about how you feel about sex and intimacy with your husband to be than he does.
The more you put up a facade and the more you resent him for having to do something so intimate that you dread everyday the more the distance will grow between you. You are sacrificing emotional honesty and true intimacy by doing what you are doing currently.These things are vital to any romantic relationship.

You say you have talked about it before in relation to your medication and he understands that the antiDs are killing your sex drive but you said it was agreed that you would carry on with daily sex or split up, So he does know what you are going through, he is just choosing to ignore it or what does he think has magically changed?

You keep saying once or twice a week is no different to having to do it everyday but it is very different. You can plan for it, get yourself into an emotional headspace where you are feeling very loving towards him, enjoying cuddling, massaging, chatting to him and try and make it full of emotional closeness and eye contact and love.
That is very different from doing it with dread and a complete lack of emotional honesty every night. If you can’t see the difference between the two scenarios I think you need to look at some counselling for issues related to this.
You keep saying you love him and you want to marry him like a mantra, but if the antiDs remain an essential part of your life longterm then can you carry on like this for years and years?

CaraherEIL · 14/05/2021 10:29

Op I have tried to say it as sensitively as I can but honestly I agree with Beeeep I think he knows he is coercing you and he just doesn’t care.

ZoeMaye · 14/05/2021 10:43

I was in a relationship a bit like this. The daily sex thing drove me insane. I didn't have low libido, but lower than his. Then I went on antidepressants because I was unhappy in the relationship basically (although I had been on antidepressants on and off over the years before I met him too).
It grew into a toxic relationship and he ended up basically raping me and then fully raping me. I thought I would never have sex again.
It's taken me a while but I am off the tablets, and although I am happily single right now I can feel my libido starting to return and the prospect of having a new partner is not so terrible (just no time to date or anything, and I am happy in my life right now).
Looking back I can see that my ex was rigid, controlling, abusive, didn't really care whether I consented or not, and what started with coercion ended with force, because other than at the very beginning I was not consenting (and certainly not the enthusiastic consent a good man would want!)

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/05/2021 10:48

OP do you really want to marry a man who you can't talk to, and can't share these feelings with?
This is fundamental to a successful relationship.

Sandra15 · 14/05/2021 11:20

@ZoeMaye

I was in a relationship a bit like this. The daily sex thing drove me insane. I didn't have low libido, but lower than his. Then I went on antidepressants because I was unhappy in the relationship basically (although I had been on antidepressants on and off over the years before I met him too). It grew into a toxic relationship and he ended up basically raping me and then fully raping me. I thought I would never have sex again. It's taken me a while but I am off the tablets, and although I am happily single right now I can feel my libido starting to return and the prospect of having a new partner is not so terrible (just no time to date or anything, and I am happy in my life right now). Looking back I can see that my ex was rigid, controlling, abusive, didn't really care whether I consented or not, and what started with coercion ended with force, because other than at the very beginning I was not consenting (and certainly not the enthusiastic consent a good man would want!)
Oh Zoe that is terrible. I know where you are coming from. I was in a relationship with someone I didn't love, who was a bully and a gaslighter, but I didn't leave (don't know why). I didn't fancy him and didn't want sex with him. One day when I came home and I had had a few drinks (been out with friends) he took advantage of the fact and raped me. How sad, that this is the way he got what he wanted rather than someone who wanted him. How sad too that I put up with him for so long.

Wish you well with your recovery. Flowers

Thewindblows · 14/05/2021 11:43

OP, I know you are looking for ways to cope with the current situation, but you aren't going to get the answers you want here - because everyone looking at your situation from the outside can see how terribly unhealthy and unsustainable it is.

Ask yourself a question - is he kind, caring, and sensitive to your needs outside of this situation? If not, why are you clinging to this relationship with him at all?
If he is, then how is it possible that he is not aware that you are faking it, night after night?
Even assuming that he is somehow blind to your feelings only in this one specific area... why do you think this is okay for him? If he is a loving and kind person, why do you think he would prefer to put put his partner through daily pain and suffering than to abstain from sex for a while as you try to find a way forward as a couple?

You cannot live a lie forever. If you continue like this, you will almost certainly break up eventually, further down the line - having caused yourself who knows how many more years of emotional and mental harm in between. Surely this is not what you want.

I know it will be hard, but for the sake of your own mental and physical health, I hope you can find the courage to have an open and honest conversation with him about this as soon as you can.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

Dogfan · 14/05/2021 13:05

I think it's all been said by PP but his approach is really quite odd. You are having to compromise about this huge thing or he leaves or cheats on you. Is the relationship only sex for him? If not why can't he accept less than every night (this is a huge amount!) Or accept this may be an issue that you both have to deal with for a period of time (I.e. no sex for a bit). If you have kids you may not want to have sex for weeks or months - will he threaten to leave you then? I can't imagine behaving like this with someone I love, it shows no empathy. I agree he does sound coercive and that he is triggering you by threatening abandonment or adultery if you don't do what he wants. Appreciate it may not feel that way to you but his behaviour is totally unacceptable. My ex used to have sex with me when I was asleep. I married him anyway because I too thought we were happy and in love but actually this was just one symptom of a very abusive relationship. When you're in it you can't see it.

Tomyoneandonly · 14/05/2021 16:29

Why are you on antidepressants? You've been with him for 7 years and been on antidepressants for 3. That's not good. Antidepressants are not supposed to be taken that long (does he make you depressed?) Have you had counciling as for swx if you don't want it you need to be honest with yourself and him as in the long term it could be damaging. I don't think you should get married I don't think you suit each other. If isn't limited to one man. You may love and want sex with a different man in the future. Love doesn't make you feel like this. Don't have sex with a man just because you are scared he may want to go else where. That's pathetic. If you do love him how can you be like that? He should respect you feelings and leave you alone.

Aalvarino · 14/05/2021 18:28

Some people will be on antidepressants for life. Me included. The idea that we can stop if we only sort out our underlying issues and had counselling is not evidence-based and not helpful.

It's easy to say in relation to the op that if she left this guy she might be fine, could ditch the ADs and run carefree and libidinously off into the sunset but that may just not be true. There is still so much misunderstanding of mental health issues.. they can't all be solved by counselling or psychotherapy or whatever.

Neonprint · 14/05/2021 19:25

@Aalvarino

Some people will be on antidepressants for life. Me included. The idea that we can stop if we only sort out our underlying issues and had counselling is not evidence-based and not helpful.

It's easy to say in relation to the op that if she left this guy she might be fine, could ditch the ADs and run carefree and libidinously off into the sunset but that may just not be true. There is still so much misunderstanding of mental health issues.. they can't all be solved by counselling or psychotherapy or whatever.

Yeah I agree. I'm fairly like to be on them for life. There doesn't seem to be a trauma to deal with for me. I've had cbt and counselling. The idea op can just get better or will get better isn't a given.
ZoeMaye · 14/05/2021 19:52

Thanks @Sandra15 and you too xx

Original poster
TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 14/05/2021 20:56

@Tomyoneandonly

Why are you on antidepressants? You've been with him for 7 years and been on antidepressants for 3. That's not good. Antidepressants are not supposed to be taken that long (does he make you depressed?) Have you had counciling as for swx if you don't want it you need to be honest with yourself and him as in the long term it could be damaging. I don't think you should get married I don't think you suit each other. If isn't limited to one man. You may love and want sex with a different man in the future. Love doesn't make you feel like this. Don't have sex with a man just because you are scared he may want to go else where. That's pathetic. If you do love him how can you be like that? He should respect you feelings and leave you alone.
I've been on and off antidepressants since I was in my twenties, the depression is not caused by him. These are the first ones that actually seem to help. I think I will be taking them for the rest of my life. My fiance is not the cause of my depression. I've had counselling a few times, worked through some issues from my childhood.

I'm not scared he'll go elsewhere! When we've talked about it in the past, he wanted to stay with me, but would be unhappy in a sexless relationship. I decided then staying with him was more important to me and I'd have sex with him to make him happy.

I do hear and understand what has been said about I should tell him, but it's not an option for me, at least at the moment. I don't want to meet anyone else. He is caring in every other way and we have a good relationship. It was my choice to continue to have sex with him, he's not forcing me to. He never said that he'd leave if I didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 14/05/2021 20:58

@Dogfan

I think it's all been said by PP but his approach is really quite odd. You are having to compromise about this huge thing or he leaves or cheats on you. Is the relationship only sex for him? If not why can't he accept less than every night (this is a huge amount!) Or accept this may be an issue that you both have to deal with for a period of time (I.e. no sex for a bit). If you have kids you may not want to have sex for weeks or months - will he threaten to leave you then? I can't imagine behaving like this with someone I love, it shows no empathy. I agree he does sound coercive and that he is triggering you by threatening abandonment or adultery if you don't do what he wants. Appreciate it may not feel that way to you but his behaviour is totally unacceptable. My ex used to have sex with me when I was asleep. I married him anyway because I too thought we were happy and in love but actually this was just one symptom of a very abusive relationship. When you're in it you can't see it.
He has never threatened to leave or adultery. Sorry if it came across like that, but he hasn't.
OP posts:
Original poster
TunnocksTastyTeacakes · 14/05/2021 21:01

A PP asked if he was younger - he's not, just hasn't been in a long term relationship before. I've been in previous relationships and yes, I've been aroused and satisfied by sex before, also with my fiance before taking medication. It is definitely the antidepressants causing the problem.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 14/05/2021 21:31

But why have sex every night? That's crazy. Very few couples have sex every night so it smacks of self harm/ him getting off on your reluctance.
If it were a good relationship you could talk about this and work together on a compromise.

Arrivederla · 14/05/2021 21:57

Op - this is not sustainable in the long term. You will end up by seriously damaging your mental health by forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to.

misskick · 14/05/2021 22:07

I have no libido and psychiatrist prescribed me Wellbutrin for lack of sex drive. it can be prescribed only by psychiatrist I was told so I had to be referred. It is not licensed in uk for depression but is in other countries and apparently works really well. Also what and Tablets are you currently on?

Aalvarino · 14/05/2021 22:26

I hear ya OP. It's not as straightforward as some are making out here. I really want to try wellbutrin but scared to meddle.

FlyNow · 15/05/2021 03:42

I hear you too OP but I really think there is a middle ground here - having sex less often. Practically no one could keep up your schedule. I consider myself to have an average libedo for a women (if there is such a thing), and thinking of doing it every night is making me shudder.

Newstaronhorizon · 15/05/2021 04:24

Why can't you just be friends and house mates?

Lying and faking will make you emotionally, physically and psychologically very ill in the medium to long term.

Your dishonesty is horrifying.

If you truly love someone be honest. You don't truly love him. You are selfish because your relationship is built on one big massive lie which will sooner or later reach crisis point and then your secret will be out and he will be utterly devastated to know for years and years he has tortured you.

If you truly loved him tell him the truth.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 16/05/2021 10:09

All I can add is I'm single and I absolutely love bedtime, it's one of my favourite parts of the day and crucial to my health, happiness and wellbeing. You still seem to be saying sex every night to keep him happy or split up. I think if you took a step back from all this and had some space you would start to see this relationship is not right for either of you. Can you not see that by dreading bedtime 365 days a year is so bad for your health and wellbeing and you are prioritising this over everything. It's crazy.

Sunflower1970 · 17/05/2021 05:37

I feel tired just thinking about the amount of sex you are expected to have. I would dread bedtime too. My hubby has a high sex drive and would have sex every night if I was up for it. I’m not so we compromise with Bj’s/hand jobs TMI I know! This is what a loving, understanding relationship looks like

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