Tell me about your wonderful men...

[onecandream]

My husband is a selfish prick. He shows no affection, apart from when he wants sex, puts me down when the opportunity arises, talks to me like a child and doesn't listen to me. He steps over stuff on the stairs, doesn't close drawers or cupboards after himself, will often randomly stop 'helping' at bath time to play video games and will often leave his dinner plate on the table. His only redeeming qualities is that he reads to son#1 at bedtime, makes me a coffee in the morning and loads the dishwasher. He empties the bins, as do I, and will cook once a week... I have to say thank you and praise the meal at least 4 times though otherwise he gets moody. He point blank refuses to wash up ever.
To counteract these depressing aspects of my own marriage, please can you tell me all the lovely and kind things that your partners do or say to you? I think reading about a normal, happy marriage would be nice.
Don't tell me to LTB as I can't.

My current partner is the first man to ever make me feel safe. He has a great career (we work together), i love seeing the way he inspires people, the way he interacts with people, he is so driven.
He is an amazing Dad to his daughter.
I have suffered with insecurities and overthinking for my whole life. Whenever i feel anxious he asks me how i felt in that moment, what triggered me, how we can change this situation in future.
He sends me flowers and cards for no reason.
He takes an interest in my interests and lets me ramble on about star signs and the moon although he has different views.
He sends me a new song each day that resonates with our relationship.
He pushes me in my job role. He tells me he loves me every day, he compliments me everyday and takes notice of everything. He pushes me and challenges me and makes me a better person.

Due to us being long distance and covid we have seen each other twice in the last year. Our relationship is still getting stronger by the day and i couldnt be more grateful.

OP, every obstacle can be overcome. Everyone deserves happiness. Possibly short term challenges and difficult times for a long term happy life?

Sending you positive thoughts and , OP.

I had a very complicated marriage with a ton of problems and my husband is dead now. It was sometimes extremely hard being married to him.

But he was so lovely: so gentle, so funny, a full-time househusband for the last few years, he cooked every weeknight and did all the housework he could manage. as well, he did all the gardening and the bike and car maintenance. Most impressive of all, he put up with my bad bits and loved my good bits. And he was proper gorgeous.

@onecandream I'm sorry things seem so hard. It sounds really shit. But as PPs have said, you only have one life. Think of whether you'd want your little ones to have a life/relationship like yours in the future.... You deserve that too.

Me and my partner are just starting couples therapy. However, he's not sexist and he fundamentally respects me. We're very different - he's very logical, loves gaming, is pretty solitary and likes talking politics and technology; I'm very emotional, love reading and yoga, and like talking about deep emotional stuff. It's not always easy, for sure (and I'm sure he'd say the same!)

He never makes a cup of tea without offering to make me one. He would let me finish any of his food, anytime (within reason!). He asks what's wrong when he knows I'm down or quiet. He shows me videos of animals he knows I'll like, daily. Since we've started therapy, he's putting more effort into less screen time and more proactively engaging with our relationship (one of his weaker points to date and one of the key things that led us to therapy....). He makes me feel beautiful, has never once made me feel anything less, even when I had a massive hormonal acne breakout - and I mean massive! He celebrates my achievements - I can't remember a time he's played down things I've done or achieved. He would pick me up or drive me anywhere and not complain. He also makes me laugh, is a great cook, a very generous lover , and lovely with his family. He's been patient while I've healed a lot of gnarly shit from my past that has put pressure on various aspects of our relationship.

I hope he could write similar things about me but I think he'd look at this post like a deer in headlights and say "Errrmmm I love you, is that enough"

Like I say, it hasn't been easy, but ultimately we love and respect each other and want a happier relationship, so we do the therapy. I understand if you're not ready to think about leaving yet. But if he would rather lose you completely than try some marriage counselling to fix the problems, I just find it so sad. You deserve what everyone else on here is writing about, whether that's with your H or with someone else.... Dare to allow yourself to dream of that, and to take steps to make it your reality.

@onecandream There are too many unknowns for me to consider leaving, regarding the children and where I'd live

But this is something you can look into. Look at the Entitled to website, I believe from reading on here it is fairly accurate. Maybe see a solicitor just to find out what you are entitled to house wise. If you own your home work out what it is worth and what equity you have in it. Look at alternatives as to where you could live. Just so you know what is out there.

I know you are saying that he is not all bad but as usual I will ask the question, if you saw me make you a cup of tea and then put a teaspoon of dog shit in it would you still think it was a good cup of tea? No. So what if he takes the bins out? This does not negate the belittling attitude he shows toward you.

You can only blame someone's upbringing for so long. As adults we have the capacity to recognise it and change it. For example I was brought up in what you would class as a somewhat neglectful home. Are my children experiencing the same childhood I had? No they are not. Dh was brought up in a very traditional household, SAHM with a Dad who prided himself on never changing a nappy. Dh has been a hands on Dad since Ds1 was born.

We teach people how to treat us. If you stay with him treating you like a child you are telling him that it is okay to do that to you. Words mean nothing, saying you don't like it and staying just confirm that he can keep doing it. Your children are seeing this, you and your husband are showing them this is what a marriage looks like.

@LolaSmiles I remember when that thread was posted and it was mind blowingly good, it should seriously be a poster or a lesson in secondary schools. I think you are a teacher I change my user name regularly on here, always have done.

@onecandream Hi OP, I had to comment to give you a handhold as I'm in the same boat. Sorry that's not what you wanted from this thread but just some solidarity

My partner of 9 years is lazy, doesn't do much housework, criticizes everything I do, puts me down and hates my family. He is also a gas lighter and has a scarey temper. He used to be a big drinker but has given up. Our sex life is also poor.
I suppose his good signs is he is quite attractive and earns good money.

We have a DD and a mortgage and leaving is not an option for me either...yet.

I often dream about leaving him and meeting a lovely man in my 50s/60s like I hear many people on here have done. It probably isn't like this in reality but I see couples around me where the men are hands on father's are lovely to their wives. He's ground down my self worth but I still feel I am worthy of love and happiness, even if I have to wait until I'm older (I'm 36).
I don't know what the answer is...but sending you lots of strength. Hope you find your happiness. I'm sure plenty of lovely men still exist.

I am so sorry that you're going through this . It resonates with me and brought me
Back to a horrid time in my
Life . I was with a lazy useless selfish man child for twenty years and as a father and husband he was appalling .
I want you to know that there is a better
Life for you... maybe not today or tomorrow , but it is out there whether you decide to leave and stay single or get into another relationship .
In my own situation, I met my now boyfriend ( we are late40's but the term
Partner gives me
The ick a fter so short a time Together!) 9 months ago on a dating site and we got chatting .
That was all I wanted . Company through lockdown and a change of scenery so
To speak!
We met, clicked and are mad about each other.
I found it strange to be in the company of a man who was chatty, listened to me, was funny, interesting and engaging.
I was never used to a man doing what he said he was going to do consistently, no games, no drama, cooking for me, making me a coffee just because, warming the towels and bed for me. Filling the fridge for the evenings I would visit , recording shows on tv I might like , getting me something small because I may have said in passing that I enjoyed that. Putting me first sexually .
I suppose op what I'm
Trying to say is that it's the small things... thoughtfulness, kindness , patience with my foibles , extremely funny , self deprecating , interested in my daily life and my kids lives.
Generous with time too.
I never expected this and I am so glad I took a chance . Of course I have trust issues ( as exh had an affair under my nose and took off) but through time and building , I hope that will improve . I am not perfect. Neither is he but gosh I think he is a gift sent to me at the right time .
There is hope and I wish you the very best .

Silly bugger buys me flowers just because. Does lots of housework. Loves cooking which I don't. Is lovely with the kids. Says he loves me all the time. Does a few irritating things of course like being untidy, but a never shouts or gets angry.

Honestly op life is too short. My ex sounds similar to your dh. I eventually left (he had an affair and I thank my lucky stars each and every day he did, as it gave me the push to leave).

I've now met and married a man who couldn't be more different. He cares about me, takes my thoughts and feelings into consideration, does more than his fair share around the house and is a better male role model to my dc that their father is. He also does so much more with them and respects and considers us all in any decisions he makes. He also looks after himself and I still fancy him even after 10 years together.

He will also warm my side of the bed when it's cold (we live in a very old cottage), so when I get into bed it's warm

My DP is kind, caring, loves to communicate and makes me laugh so much. We love to go on long walks together, and can talk about anything and everything, and he encourages me in everything I do. He’s worked so hard all his life and is a loving and kind father to his lovely sons. He can make anything (build house extensions, fix bikes) and very much pulls his weight around the house.

I was on my own for years until I met him, and he was very much worth waiting for. I live with a chronic illness and he’s very tolerant on the days when the pain makes me prickly. I trust him which was something I thought I’d struggle with, but despite a sometimes complicated life, the trust is there.

He’s handsome and affectionate and we go to sleep holding hands and I’m so happy to love him.

OP - I hope that you are able to find the love, care, respect and kindness that flows through this thread, you absolutely deserve to have that.

Great thread OP. And some lovely comments.

I had a vile DF and then ex morphed into a vile DP shortly after DS was born. So leaving was the best thing for us too.

I won't risk it again, but it's heartening to know that some people manage a happy relationship. Now I just need to make sure my DS is one of them.

This is a great thread. Reading MN, so many women seem to be in such unhappy and destructive relationships. There seem to be so many really shitty men, so it’s reassuring to read about all these lovely ones.
My DH is sensitive, totally reliable and has real integrity. He has never let me down. He does all the shopping and cooking, is a great dad - I probably don’t tell him enough what a good man he is.

Op, you say you can’t leave, and that may be true now. Reading these messages will, I hope, give you a taste of what you too could have - and maybe will have when the time is right. Good luck, op.

My partner is going through hell at the moment with an ex partner and his child. He is so very stressed out but still had the time and inclination to buy me flowers despite his awful situation right now. I just wanted to wrap him up in cotton wool and protect him, but I can't. OP please dont waste a moment longer with your OH.

Boyfriend of 4 years, following horrible marriage. A real antidote, we never argue, he's calm and reassuring and really sexy (got his own band.)

He's had some serious health problems recently, and we had about a week when we were waiting on results, the wrong result would have meant a poor prognosis. Luckily he was ok but has had a lot of treatment and operations. During that horrible week he stayed so calm while I was inwardly climbing the walls. A real grown up, in control of his own emotions and behaviour.

I was in a shit relationship like yours for years. I wish I could tell you I ended it, but he did for a woman 10 years younger than me who he now has a baby with.

I thought my life was over, but it soon emerged that life was so much better without him. I met my now DH after 3 months (not looking) and we were married 18 months later (ex never wanted to commit to marriage despite us being together 10 years and having a DD).

My DH has supported me and my (not his) DD through covid related unemployment, along with his own lovely children. He cooks for me and DD every day and cares so much for us both.

Don't waste your life.

My Fiancé is amazing. He emotionally supported me through being assaulted at the start of our relationship and the resulting PTSD for the next couple of years. He’s financially supported me and my children (who aren’t biologically his) for the past 3 years after I gave up my career to retrain for my dream job. This has caused us difficulties at times but he’s never once complained or asked me to go back into paid work.
He’s been patient when I tried to push him away (ptsd) and loved me when I didn’t feel I deserved it. Most importantly, he taught me that love doesn’t have to be painful and relationships don’t have to be chaotic.
I’ve never felt anyone has been more ‘on my side’ in my whole life and I feel incredibly lucky to have found him (on tinder- another recommendation from me).
I came from a dysfunctional family and have been treated badly in relationships.
He’s just one of life’s good people. A real gem.

I really hope you find what I have OP