Tell me about your wonderful men...

[onecandream]

My husband is a selfish prick. He shows no affection, apart from when he wants sex, puts me down when the opportunity arises, talks to me like a child and doesn't listen to me. He steps over stuff on the stairs, doesn't close drawers or cupboards after himself, will often randomly stop 'helping' at bath time to play video games and will often leave his dinner plate on the table. His only redeeming qualities is that he reads to son#1 at bedtime, makes me a coffee in the morning and loads the dishwasher. He empties the bins, as do I, and will cook once a week... I have to say thank you and praise the meal at least 4 times though otherwise he gets moody. He point blank refuses to wash up ever.
To counteract these depressing aspects of my own marriage, please can you tell me all the lovely and kind things that your partners do or say to you? I think reading about a normal, happy marriage would be nice.
Don't tell me to LTB as I can't.

@tunainatin, that is so lovely and the kind of thing I've seen my OH do. When in a busy world, people are so preoccupied and don't notice those in need, it really does warm the cockles of your heart !

Sending you 💐OP, leaving is hard (and can seem impossible) but you deserve happiness in your life. Try to stay positive and look at ways of working towards leaving, take baby steps towards making it happen eventually. I was in an horribly abusive marriage for 16 years and never thought that I could get away but I did!

Now I'm married to DH who is the sweetest, most thoughtful man. He works long hours (and shifts) to enable me to only work the hours that I feel able to cope with, he supports me when I'm struggling with my mental health (knock on from past experiences) AND he runs me a bath if I'm shattered! He makes me feel safe, loved and valued...but, as a PP said of her DH he farts something rotten and eats all the bloody cheese 🧀🤣

Keep your chin up lovely and you will get free eventually 💐💐💐

I am struggling with a stay / leave decision with DH.
I know I need to stay for many reasons - not just the dc but other reasons too.
However I feel very lonely. I work 30 hours a week. I do all the school runs either end of the day to wrap around. I do all the cooking. I do all the housework. I do all the laundry. I do all the emotional load of the dc. I do all the homework with them. I am often not 100% due to a chronic condition and I don’t get any sleep. DH doesn’t give me a lie in at the weekends. He does his hobby one of the days and has a lie in himself on the other. Our house is a tip. I rarely am on top of the housework and he doesn’t do diy (mind you, nor do I) so it needs so much doing to it. Anything to do with the dc I sort out. We never have sex and I don’t want to have sex. After I had dd and had pnd he made no adjustment to anything he did. Dc1 could have really done with him stepping up but he didn’t. I am now checked out totally.

Op, when you first wake up to the state of your relationship it takes a while to adjust to the reality.

As you have small children I imagine you feel vulnerable. What helped me was to journal, the good and the bad days then I could, over a period of time, reflect on the reality.

Once I realised it was emotional abuse and not just lazy behaviour or reaction to life pressures I was able to act. It takes time to see the extent of someone behaviour because we have trusted them.

You deserve to be treated well...remember that

Mine makes the bed and leaves my jammies on the pillow for me because I work evenings and always leave the bed a mess and can never find my jammies. He brings me coffee from Starbucks on the way home from his golf too. He's just very thoughtful

Been together 14yrs, he never walks past without touching me, when we are watching TV he looks up to blows me a kiss, pays for all holidays and treats, if I say I'd like something he'll surprise me with it, he does housework, washes up, cooks, we take it in turns. He tells me he loves me several times a day.
Doesn't do diy as he's hopeless at it.
He's gym obsessed though and sometimes it encroaches on our time but I let it slide as I feel I get a good deal.
We both work full time, no kids, I love him to death

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Will people listing all the good things about their relationships do anything other than make you feel sadder in the end? Could you tell us a bit about why you can't leave? You never know, there may be some support you could access to help you to go. FWIW I thought I couldn't leave, but had to in the end for safety reasons. It was really tough, but am so so glad I did it

XDH was (and still is) a selfish prick and one of my biggest regrets is that I stayed with him so long. But I had very low expectations of marriage. I was nearly 50 before I discovered that being married is actually supposed to be nice, and that good men do exist.

DH is funny, loving, self-deprecating, and has the most generous spirit. He talks about his emotions. He has worked hard to get over the effects of his non-existent education and mild dyslexia. He holds down a responsible, caring job. He is unfailingly supportive to my (grown up) children, and proud and pleased when they are happy and successful.

From a very structured background, rather than enforce his views he has adjusted to find a middle way and accept that other people dont always want to live the way he lives.

We split the housework between us: I am Director of Food, Finance, Outdoors and Social. He runs Housework and DIY.

It is so worth holding out for one of these, I can’t recommend it highly enough.

I'm sorry I know there are times ot feels impossible to leave but your moment will come (I felt I couldn't leave Exdh but eventually the time came I know real life is not as simple as MN)

DP cam be a pain in the butt for several things but all minor. To the rest of the world he seems quiet and standoffish (he is quite grumpy with the rest of humanity) but nokne would guess what he is behind closed doors.

He brings me coffee every morning , he is my stalwart supporter and truly believes I'm a genius who can rule the world (although the prospect makes him nervous as he says i wouldn't let Men get away with anything...he is absolutely right ).

He is my biggest cheerleader. He watches if I'm having a bad day and brings me pecans and flowers to make me smile. He looks for films I like and finds new zombie films for me to watch (which he hates and knows I love ) and makes a list so when I come down from putting DC to bed he has it ready and cued on the TV for me to watch.

We have worked a lot together and he is seen as quiet and grumpy (not nasty he just doesn't like small talk) and it makes me smile a bit because he also once hoovered a room for a big meeting I had with the CEO because he wanted it o be perfect for me. His rule is to do whatever makes DC and I smile. He buys DC toys and sits with them to play. He is flawed in so many ways (as am I) but my god that man puts us first and his motivation is always to see us happy.

I get it OP I was married to a jellyfish of a man ( from another MN poster ...a phrase i have loved ) ...there is life after it i swear.

DP is not perfect....far far from it but for me he is. He challenges me loves me and lives to protect DC. There is life after .

@Purplewithred your XDH sounds like mine ! And OP yours sounds like my XDH as well a bit... I thought that was just the way life was. Eventually saw sense, we got divorced, and I have remarried and NOW I know how things should be !

He's funny, clever, helpful, sexy, thoughtful, friendly. I never have to apologise for him to anybody or make allowances for him. He does things I would have had to thank my ex for over and over again but he just does them because... well.. why not! He tells me I'm amazing, he cooks (we probably roughly equally cook), not so hot on the housework but then he does clean the oven (which I don't) and does loads of other stuff instead like washing cars & bikes, fixing things etc., He drops me off and picks me up from the station for work (because he wants to - I could easily drive), I could go on and on. But he does all of this and makes me laugh, and feel beautiful. I feel loved and adored, and we are equals.

I always thought because I have a strong personality that I needed someone strong to "take me in hand". Turns out that was a load of rubbish and I needed a partner, who brings out the best in me, and just makes life great.

I’m 11 weeks pregnant and food has been so hit and miss. He’s done all the cooking since the nausea kicked in. Whatever I think I can eat. He’s checking the temperature of any meat that is served to me. We bought a steak before we found out I pregnant but ate it a few days after, he made sure it was well done. I was sulking about the steak being well done and so he did his well done too, even though the cut didn’t lend itself to be cooked well done. He’s doing all the dog stuff including feeding them and poo pick up duty.

Yesterday I had tuna for lunch and salmon for tea. He freaked out after I finished the salmon thinking he’d poisoned me and baby because he read something about 2 portions of oily fish. It’s two portions of salmon a week and no more than 4 tins of tuna a week, so I’m well below the threshold but he still felt so bad just because he wasn’t thinking about meals. I’ve got a box of crackers upstairs and a box of crackers downstairs, he saw my box of crackers downstairs and when he came to bed after me, he snuck onto my side to put my crackers next to me, even though I already had some.

He can be a grumpy bugger sometimes and has butter blindness when toasting things (so I end up with a chunk of toast that is dry and has no butter ) but he’ll do anything to make me smile.

Mine makes me want to be a better person everyday. Non judgemental, helps around the house without being asked. Devoted father. Great in bed. Affectionate loving positive and crazy about me. Everyone deserves this. Including you sweetheart.

My husband is a slightly old fashioned man and has the mindset that men do man things and women do women's work. I don't particularly mind that tbh, it's just the way he was brought up. He brings me a cup of tea in bed every single morning, is affectionate and cuddly. Likes to have a random kitchen snog most days, never pesters for sex. Holds my hand when out and about. He's 6ft3 and very muscular and makes me feel girly (I'm not).

He can do anything with his hands, builds things, had a garage full of power tools and is almost child like excited if I suggest he build me a bookcase or whatever. He also looks after my elderly mum and does all her jobs without grumbling.

All he wants is clean clothes and a nice dinner every night. He is a bit untidy and he has an annoying sniff, (hay fever and dust allergy) but he's unfailingly loyal, generous and kind to all.

Plus he's got beautiful kissy lips and is dead sexy. We've been together 16 years.

I’ve struggled to lose weight after having DC (and my face seems to have sagged a couple of inches, I’m fat greying and ageing fast) my DH always says to me “I think you are beautiful and I want you to think that too” (I’m objectively not but he hasn’t noticed so ssshh no-one tell him 🤫)

He supported me through some mental health issues in the most amazing way. I spent a fortune on seeing a psychologist (SAHM) and he would make space in his work diary so he could meet me straight after my sessions so I could either have a talk or just a little cry.

on the weekends he often gets up with DD and sorts out her breakfast so I can have a lie in, then takes he takes her to the park so I can have a bit more of a break. We have a “date night” which involves wine a movie and crisps and he never lets me get up, keeps my wine glass filled and my crisps topped up.

I just feel very loved and very appreciated. It’s in the small things not the big things, he’s an amazing husband and dad and I think my life would look very different if I hadn’t met him, love him to bits. Tbf I think he takes care of me more than I take care of him he definitely puts our family first. Think I will have to work on that.

My husband does several of the minor things you mention. Steps over stuff on the stairs/doesn't really care about mess - yes, doesn't close drawers or cupboards after himself - sometimes, will often leave his dinner plate on the table, definitely (sometimes it makes it dishwasher-adjacent...). Most of the organising of things to do with, e.g. our child's school and our taxes etc. is done by me.

But he does the bins, hoovers, does loads of DIY and proactively looks for things to improve our house and garden in ways that will make me happy / make our lives easier, does almost all the driving when we go anywhere, school drop off and pick ups, tells me he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful every day, takes 50/50 care of our child and enjoys it, always welcomes my friends and family without complaint whenever I want them over and will help cater for them, though he's not particularly sociable himself

I also do what I know are annoying things - losing important things, forgetting where I've put things from one minute to the next, hoarding clutter, hating to drive. So we tolerate each other's foibles.

Most recent major example of niceness is - We recently took turns going to get our hair cut locally for the first time since lockdown while the other looked after our child. When I got up to pay for mine, the hairdresser told me my DH had paid for mine in advance as a surprise. He runs me baths and enjoys cuddles on the sofa on the evenings. Very good in bed too .

Neither of us are perfect but I love him and feel loved by him too.

OP I feel so sorry for you. You sound miserable. I hope this is the beginning of the realisation you don't need to live like this. You deserve better. You and your children can be free to live your lives in a house full of warmth and joy and love and respect for each other.

My DH is not perfect, no one is. He requires a lot of direction on housework stuff, he's messy and has a strong lazy streak - except for his work which he gives a lot of himself to. But he is first and foremost kind, polite, thoughtful and gentle. He's calm and keeps me steady and I could turn to him with anything.

Mine is caring, considerate and will go out of his way to help me do things. He would drive 40 miles in to London to pick me up if my trains are cancelled. He always makes me tea in bed. We split all the housework 50/50, and don’t even need to discuss it; he always sees what needs doing and just does it.

He makes me laugh all the time and if I’m down/had a bad day will tell me to put my feet up and he’ll make me a cuppa/dinner and ask what he do to cheer me up.

He has one of those hobbies that consumes chunks of time, so he’ll get up ridiculously early to do it on weekends so we still get a day together. Or he’ll just shuffle it round to accommodate our plans. He suggests date nights to nice places. He buys me silly little presents (fave choc bar) to put in my work bag.

He’s made me a much better person. He’s a adult in every way but still laughs like a child. I didn’t think relationships were this easy. I love his company.

OP, whatever reason you have for thinking you have to stay, please think about your options. Life is too short to spend it all miserable.

My husband is amazing but it took until my 40s to find him! My dad always told me to find someone who cherishes me. My husband does that in spades. We tell each other we love each other multiple times a day. He makes me breakfast in bed every day, he cooks on the days he’s not at work (I work from home, he works 4long days in every 7), he brings me roses every week. Etc etc... nothing is too much for him to do for me.
I pray that your husband wakes up and realises how much he needs/loves and respects you and ups his game considerably. Have a better day OP

I love an opportunity to sing my dp's praises but sorry you're having a shit time OP

DP I would rate 10/10 because he is affectionate, considerate, thoughtful, intelligent, great to talk to, incredibly supportive. He's very feminist and calls out bullshit from other men where he sees it. He's calm and gentle and funny. He has no expectations of me at all. He's always got my back. I feel very lucky to have found him.

My DD has also recently met someone very similar in manner and temperament, thoughtfulness and support etc so I'm hoping this means dp's lovely type are not that rare.

I left a shite marriage 15 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did

Should also say; I spent a decade in a horrible relationship and then was messed up enough to grieve it when it ended. Took me several years of being single and a few years of frogs on OLD to find my DP, at almost 40. It’s never too late.

I'm dying to know how you all met these men.

I left an emotionally abusive partner in 2019 and have had absolutely no luck meeting anyone else whatsoever. I see men looking at me but it seems like every decent man my age (mid thirties) is already married or attached. I get some matches on dating apps but have to carry the conversation, and nobody seems very interested. I don't know if it's my age or the pandemic and people not wanting to meet, or what, but it feels futile. I think I'm reasonably attractive, in good shape, intelligent and interesting but I just feel like a ghost.

I just don't get how people manage to meet men, especially nice ones who want commitment. I see other women move from relationship to relationship, or decide they want to meet someone, go on Hinge and have a boyfriend the next week. What am I doing wrong?

He gets me ferrero rochers and a hot water bottle every time I have period cramps, watches Drag Race with me even though he only likes the UK version, makes me tea 90% of the time, and he always changes the cat litter.

He's also horribly clumsy and perpetually breaking things or himself

Are you sure leaving isn’t an option?

My dh is the best. He’s a total sweetheart

I'm dying to know how you all met these men.

Tinder. Honest to god. I had to wade through about 50 crazies to get to 4 or 5 decent seeming ones, and of those DP was the only one I really clicked with.

Tinder here too. Had lots of chats, met a few, had a few short relationships and met my lovely bf there. I know it's not a popular opinion, and I didn't hold this belief before i tried it, but online dating and being able to select and ask and get to know the person before starting to emotionally invest in them is brilliant. Yes you have to be patient but in real life you're not going to be compatible/attracted to every available man you meet right? And it's a good thing otherwise we would never settle.