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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I a bad, jealous 2-faced friend??

61 replies

Dizzybrunette445 · 12/05/2021 07:50

Hi everyone I am new here, I just wanted some advice about my feelings regarding one of my friends (I'll keep short)
I have a friend who's with a lovely guy, they are normal people but they're both only child's, mid twenties. They have quite low paid jobs, they don't save as they're always on holiday to Dubai.. designer bags etc.. anyway they have managed to buy their first house. A huge 4 bedroom detached, bay windows, huge garden, wide drive way.. me and my partner are struggling to find anywhere at the moment (we earn more than them) we can barely afford anything like that (their house is about 500k).. I feel very jealous that they've managed to get this by not working hard and barely save (we work hard, I am a paramedic and my partner is in I.T) so we have a healthy salary. But because of where we live, we are paying a premium cos we are by the sea... anyway , I can flabbergasted they have managed to gain this property from both working in call centres. To top it off, they've bought a new range rover each up their drive way. I don't know whether they've had loads of help or in massive debts by portraying a lifestyle they cannot afford (poor people trying to be rich) but I feel so disheartened by it all. I know it's pathetic and I feel very back stabbing as I should be happy for my friend, but I feel they don't work to deserve it and live off their parents, portraying to the world they are successful when they are not.

Sorry :-(

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 12/05/2021 08:20

Begrudging other people what they have doesn’t make you have anything more. All that happens is that they’re having a nice time, and you’re wrapped up in being miserable and jealous. Where’s the point in that?

You can speculate on how they got it, but that doesn’t improve your life, either. Concentrate on bettering your own life and planning how you can have the things you think would make you happy.

Nonmaquillee · 12/05/2021 08:22

Beware jealousy
Tis the green eyed monster

pinkyredrose · 12/05/2021 08:23

they are normal people what does this mean? You're jealous, do you even like them?

MajorMujer · 12/05/2021 08:23

Look, comparison is the thief of joy.
They may have a hugely long mortgage, their car may be on PCs, you just never know.

MajorMujer · 12/05/2021 08:24
  • PCP
afinethingindeed · 12/05/2021 08:34

I really can't understand people who go through life worrying about what other people have. I think envy is an awful trait and what does it actually bring you? Besides, you've no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

Sanchez79 · 12/05/2021 08:34

My friend's sister and her husband are into what I can only describe as land rover consumerism - they have the big new build which was bought with a hand out from her Dad who retired recently (but lots of #hardworkpays etc) and the regular holidays to Dubai. Its all very identikit.

But the difference is, I don't pretend to be their friend. Their values are obviously very different to mine and that's fine, we have different lifestyles, no biggie.

You need to reflect on why this rankles you so much? Your reaction to them says more about you than it does about them.

Spandang · 12/05/2021 08:39

OP, something about what you’re saying doesn’t add up.

They’ve bought a £500,000 house, but they work in a call centre. Assuming they are in low paid jobs that’s a £25k-£30k salary each. So £50-60k income and a mortgage probably of about £210k.

They must’ve already had equity in a previous house or have been gifted a hefty amount. Or they’re not on low paid wages at all and you’ve misunderstood that.

My partner works in what’s a call centre environment but with commission can easily take home £4-6k a month in busier months.

Again a Range Rover, on a rental they’re £350-£500. You’re not going to get that on a low wage.

So I think maybe your assumptions are incorrect about them being undeserving or you’re not looking at the situation fully.

But more so, there is no point in comparing yourself to them. You’re a) comparing yourself to a situation that you don’t understand - even if they had help financially it is entirely with a relative’s gift to do that and b) focusing your energy in the wrong place.

Comparison is absolutely the thief of joy. You’ve chosen to be a paramedic. That’s your path and that’s your passion. But there are sacrifices that come with that and one is salary.

But as I’ve said to my higher earning partner, I’ve got a lower paid job with a much higher pension provision, and if you’ve been in yours since before 2015 you’ll be on final salary which is a gold plated pension scheme you literally cannot buy.

So don’t compare and if you must, at least a look at the whole. But it’s more helpful to think about why you feel hard done to, and what you can do about it to either change your life or change your perspective.

KinseyWinsey · 12/05/2021 09:00

Jealousy will curdle you.

You just don't know what is going on with them really.

Try to be pleased for them if tg etc are apparently doing so well.

Why can't you be happy for them?

Focus on your own life instead of gaping at others'.

SnarkyBag · 12/05/2021 09:03

Well if you are genuine then I feel sorry for you. Such bitterness is only poisonous to yourself. You don’t sound like a nice person the way you look down on your friends jobs and income.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/05/2021 09:05

They may have a hugely long mortgage, their car may be on PCPs, you just never know.

But why denigrate people who are doing well by suggesting this in the first instance? Perhaps they’re better off financially than the OP assumes because they do actually work for it - if they work in e.g. sales roles in a call centre and are particularly good at and work hard at their jobs they could be earning large amounts of commission. If they work in customer service they could be hitting all their targets and earning bonuses.

TooMuchPaper · 12/05/2021 09:11

Let them live their way, you live yours. You are lucky to live by the sea for example.

Meowchickameowmeow · 12/05/2021 09:14

You're not their friend really are you? You're horribly judgemental about every aspect of their lives and feel like they don't deserve what they have. You sound bitter and you should maybe drop them if they make you so miserable.

MissScotland101 · 12/05/2021 09:18

Jealousy has affected everyone at some point in life and anyone that says otherwise is either lying or in denial, it’s a normal human feeling to have at times, just as long as you know it’s your own issue and nothing to do with your friends.

I get that your wondering where they got the money, who wouldn’t be quietly wondering but you just have to deal with it and maybe ask yourself if you truly are happy, when I’ve had bouts of jealousy then it’s usually been because I’m unhappy in my own life, but you have to just smile and get on with it I’m afraid.

If I were you then I probably wouldn’t be able to help myself by just asking “how can you afford this massive mortgage”, I know some people are very funny about money and speaking of it, but if they’re your pals then why not, maybe once you find out then you can put the feeling to bed, if not then it’s just one of those things where there isn’t always an answer, sorry.

Bedsheets4knickers · 12/05/2021 09:18

They might of had a lottery win .🤷🏻‍♀️

MissScotland101 · 12/05/2021 09:20

@Bedsheets4knickers

They might of had a lottery win .🤷🏻‍♀️
Ha yes and they’re just not telling because then everyone will want some cash from them! Lol
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2021 09:20

Maybe they’re drug dealers?

OP, what they have doesn’t take away from what you have or could have. You’re wasting energy entertaining the green eyed monster.

Pinchoftums · 12/05/2021 09:21

There is always someone materialistically better off, or happier, or healthier. You are lucky, in a (happy?) Relationship, good jobs, presumably good health you are very, very lucky.

JamCrackers · 12/05/2021 09:25

It’s a complete waste of your time and energy worrying about what other people have and how they got it. It won’t change YOUR circumstances.

Sunshineday1 · 12/05/2021 09:29

They may have a hugely long mortgage, their car may be on PCPs, you just never know.

But why denigrate people who are doing well by suggesting this in the first instance? Perhaps they’re better off financially than the OP assumes because they do actually work for it - if they work in e.g. sales roles in a call centre and are particularly good at and work hard at their jobs they could be earning large amounts of commission. If they work in customer service they could be hitting all their targets and earning bonuses.

@ComtesseDeSpair 100% this! Plus... do people not realise you have to actually have the income AND affordability to get accepted for PCP and mortgages 🙄

blueangel19 · 12/05/2021 09:29

What is your prejudice about only child’s? Do you know that quite a few are choosing to have only one these days? Better than families gphaving three that they can’t afford. Also, my two closest friends are only child and they are both very sensitive and sensible people. So really interested to know what you mean normal people but only child?

blacksax · 12/05/2021 09:32

What does being 'only child's' have to do with it?

MrsMaizel · 12/05/2021 09:33

They live in South Wales?

Clymene · 12/05/2021 09:34

Well they're either up to their eyes in debt; their parents are supporting them or they're actually doing completely different jobs to the ones you think they're doing.

Either way, it doesn't affect you in any way. You really need to work on your jealousy because as you go through life, friends will get things that you want before you get them - a great job, a new house, a baby, a place at a great school, a beach hut. If you're going to be eaten up with jealousy every time, you will spend a lot of time feeling miserable and bitter. And you won't have many friends

MindyStClaire · 12/05/2021 09:40

Presumably they're not heavily in debt if they've just gotten a mortgage on a large house. I suspect that either they earn a lot more than you realise as PP posted above, or have had help from family. Quite probably, both of those things.

With the higher earnings, well you just can't begrudge that can you.

If they've had help from family, well it was ever thus. I know it's natural to be envious if you don't have the same, but it's always been the way that parents help their children. In their parents' shoes, if you had plenty of wealth and one DC, why would you not pass some along to help them buy?

It's natural to be envious but they haven't done anything wrong here. You don't have to be over the moon for them, but don't be bitter.

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