Am I a bad, jealous 2-faced friend??

[Dizzybrunette445]

Hi everyone I am new here, I just wanted some advice about my feelings regarding one of my friends (I'll keep short)
I have a friend who's with a lovely guy, they are normal people but they're both only child's, mid twenties. They have quite low paid jobs, they don't save as they're always on holiday to Dubai.. designer bags etc.. anyway they have managed to buy their first house. A huge 4 bedroom detached, bay windows, huge garden, wide drive way.. me and my partner are struggling to find anywhere at the moment (we earn more than them) we can barely afford anything like that (their house is about 500k).. I feel very jealous that they've managed to get this by not working hard and barely save (we work hard, I am a paramedic and my partner is in I.T) so we have a healthy salary. But because of where we live, we are paying a premium cos we are by the sea... anyway , I can flabbergasted they have managed to gain this property from both working in call centres. To top it off, they've bought a new range rover each up their drive way. I don't know whether they've had loads of help or in massive debts by portraying a lifestyle they cannot afford (poor people trying to be rich) but I feel so disheartened by it all. I know it's pathetic and I feel very back stabbing as I should be happy for my friend, but I feel they don't work to deserve it and live off their parents, portraying to the world they are successful when they are not.

Sorry :-(

I think it's totally natural to feel a bit jealous of something someone else has that you also want, but are struggling to afford. In fact it can be a healthy thing, if feeling a bit competitive with them can be channelled productively and fires you up to go for a promotion or switch jobs to one where you're paid more, etc.

There's a reason why we have so many sayings around jealousy though...green eyed monster...comparison is the thief of joy....the grass is always greener... It's because while it's very natural, it's something that can be so corrosive and the only person who can control how you react to it is you. I'd focus on yourself, appreciating the good things you have and trying to change your jealous reaction to one of confidence in your own choices.

Also, it seems like you're making a lot of assumptions about where their money is coming from, that they're on low wages, that they don't save because they go on holidays, and that they don't work for their money but live off their parents. Do you actually know this? Or are you inferring from the fact that they work in call centres that they must be on low wages and don't save?

Maybe their situation is not how you perceive it to be.

Maybe they have savings, investments, side business, etc. that you don't know about.

To the posters asking about the only children thing, I took that as an implication by the OP that each of these friends must be getting an unusual level of financial help from their parents, since they had no siblings with whom they might have had to share.

I’m amazed at the amount of people where I live getting extensions, expensive garden makeovers, brand new cars etc. Loads of people getting work done in their house. There have been workies and vans and chaos round here for at least a year. I don’t know how they all afford it - typical working class area. If you had money you probably wouldn’t live here piles on top of one another. Plenary or gardens now filled with extensions and out buildings. I’m absolutely baffled how everyone can afford it. It’s like a sudden explosion of extra cash for home improvements. Meanwhile I think I’m brilliant cos I cut the grass in our otherwise shitty and unamazing garden.

You can never tell what goes on in someone else's relationships or in their finances by looking from the outside.

I suspect that maybe your friends don't have your respect and admiration, maybe the original basis for your friendship is past its sell-by date. As such when you see them exhibit a lifestyle they apparently don't earn (and as such is at odds with your personal ethos) it rankles.
I think when something in our own life grates on us (like working very hard but still having to scrimp for extras) it makes anyone who apparently doesn't have that stand out massively, especially if they are close in your life. I know when I was on my uppers in the past, I would visit friends who were doing just fine and feel envy. But the love I had for my friends meant it didn't translate into I'll feeling, more just made me reflect negatively on my own situation.
But, in this country we live very well indeed for the most part compared to other countries where you can work your backside off every day of your life and still due with nothing and just about survive. So, I think it's time to reflect on whether this person is a friend still or whether your values have drifted too far and it's time for some distance but also on getting some perspective for what you have achieved.
Patience with it though, these life choices take years to play out and in the end it all often evens out one way or another, not necessarily materially.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. It's normal to feel pangs of 'I wish I had that'. Obviously most people don't say that out loud or even admit it to themselves. It sounds like you are judging yourself against others, when this kind of comparison doesn't help you. Life is not always fair, to say the least. We change what we can, but some things aren't possible. Many hardworking people do not earn a great deal. I'm not going to tell you to 'just get over it' but as your friends' finances aren't anything to do with you, and you can't change them even if you wanted to, it would be more practical to concentrate on your own life rather than eyeing someone else's.

@ComtesseDeSpair I honestly wasnt denegrading anyone, just trying to show that no one truly knows the financial situation of friends unless they choose to share the details.

I would say that it is normal to sometime feel a little jealous of someone: however the way you are describing it sounds as if it goes deeper than that.
I used to be a jealous person. My Mam sat down and had a conversation with me about it when I was a young woman. She told me jealousy would eat away at me and that I should focus on myself and things that make me happy. Luckily, I listened to her, but I had to work at it when I was younger.
Also, you have chosen to live by the sea and therefore have sacrificed some disposable income. I live somewhere which is a little bit rough, but cheap. It means that I have a higher amount of money to spend on treats for me and the family. This is the trade off I have accepted.
Concentrate on what makes you happy.

Also, please don't assume they don't work hard because they work in call centres.

What on earth do you want from this post OP?

Stop looking at other peoples lives and focus on your own. You will never be happy if you constantly compare. Learn to be content and grateful for what you have, then the you will appreciate the more that does eventually come when you work hard.

I can see why might wonder.

Its quite probable they earn more than they are telling you, or the had an inheritance, a side hustle or won some money on the lottery or similar.

Also stop judging the jobs they have, its not fair and they probably do work very hard

Besides, you've no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

^This definitely. You don’t know what their lives are actually like. I’m sure my life would look very privileged to a lot of people. I was able to buy a one bedroom flat in the outskirts of London years ago, because of an inheritance. I’m now married with two adopted DDs (12 and 9) and have been able to be a SAHM because my DH has a well paid professional job.

The reality is completely different. The inherited came from my F, who sexually abused my DSis and me and who died 23 years ago thankfully. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety and now on top of that I’m suffering from Long Covid. I went through the pain of infertility as well, which led to our decision to adopt.

We love our DDs to bits, but adoption is a hard road and DD1 has SEN and adoption related attachment issues, and as a result has a lot of behavioural issues.

I don’t share all this on Facebook, so friends on there who don’t know me well very likely do think I’ve had a good deal in life.

Obviously, your friends might be living it up without a care in the world. But the reality is that most people have their own problems, which chances are they won’t share with you.

Anyway, as others have said, comparisons are a waste of time and in this case they’re obviously making you miserable. Instead, you should try to be grateful for the good things in your life; it sounds like you’re in a happy relationship and you both have good jobs.

Do you even like your friend anymore? Not all friendships last forever and it might be that this one has run it’s course.

I think what you’re feeling is totally normal and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not.

EVERYONE at some point in their lives feels envious of other people and it’s natural that that person might be your friends or family.

It’s totally normal and fine to occasionally look at someone else’s life and success, not just money but maybe relationship status, family set up, body / looks etc and think HUH WHY DONT I HAVE THIS?

the thing you have to be really careful with is not letting it linger. Allowing yourself a moment to be envious of your friends new home or new designer bag is fine! But ruminating on it and allowing it to affect how you see your own life and it’s values is not a healthy trait.

You don’t know how they came to afford what they have - it could be debt, it could be family assistance, could be inheritance. It doesn’t really matter because it’s does not affect you either way.

I would absolutely recommend that you look into gratitude; making daily practice of observing everything you have in life - not just the material! Living in the moment, being thankful, appreciating your health, happiness.

You will achieve nothing by looking at others and comparing yourself - sure look at others for inspiration, if you see someone really achieving their goals it’s cool to look to them for inspiration but a designer bag does not signify a happy or content life. It’s just stuff. Nice stuff sure but still just stuff.

You’re not a bad friend for feeling envious but now is the time to say “I am so happy for them and I am so happy for myself that I am on the path to achieving my own goals” and then focus practicing gratitude in your life.

Good lord, why wold they want to be friends with you?!

Well, yes you are. If you can't fight the jealousy then step away from this friendship as you are not their friend. The way you described them doesn't sound very nicr

I dont understand why you're bothered about another person's situation? Their situation has nothing to do with you. They don't have children, they may have had help with the house deposit or received inheritance. If they don't have children, then they don't have childcare costs, therefore more savings. Would it make you feel better if they live in a council flat?! Comparison is the thief of joy.

@Ohpulltheotherone

I think what you’re feeling is totally normal and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not.

EVERYONE at some point in their lives feels envious of other people and it’s natural that that person might be your friends or family.

It’s totally normal and fine to occasionally look at someone else’s life and success, not just money but maybe relationship status, family set up, body / looks etc and think HUH WHY DONT I HAVE THIS?

the thing you have to be really careful with is not letting it linger. Allowing yourself a moment to be envious of your friends new home or new designer bag is fine! But ruminating on it and allowing it to affect how you see your own life and it’s values is not a healthy trait.

You don’t know how they came to afford what they have - it could be debt, it could be family assistance, could be inheritance. It doesn’t really matter because it’s does not affect you either way.

I would absolutely recommend that you look into gratitude; making daily practice of observing everything you have in life - not just the material! Living in the moment, being thankful, appreciating your health, happiness.

You will achieve nothing by looking at others and comparing yourself - sure look at others for inspiration, if you see someone really achieving their goals it’s cool to look to them for inspiration but a designer bag does not signify a happy or content life. It’s just stuff. Nice stuff sure but still just stuff.

You’re not a bad friend for feeling envious but now is the time to say “I am so happy for them and I am so happy for myself that I am on the path to achieving my own goals” and then focus practicing gratitude in your life.

Totally agree yet some are writing posts as if it’s shocking to be jealous! People cannot help feeling jealous at times, it’s just a feeling that is there in your head, that’s all.

Well I understand why you feel like this. We had friends who had lower incomes than us but were able to buy a house much bigger than ours because their parents paid a healthy deposit. Then when they were struggling with the mortgage repayments one set of parents covered nursery fees. Parents also bankrolled a big extension in later years. (Not sure if I've shared this info personally, but I think they realised that people knew they couldn't personally fund it so just came clean).
There will always be people who have more than they have earned - was it ever thus. We're sadly at a stage where friends are inheriting from their parents - some enough to buy a second home. We had enough for a couple of holidays from our parents. Feeling envious can't be helped. But dwelling on it will make you bitter and twisted, and if you really are a good friend, try to be happy for them and not let it affect your relationship.

Your describing keeping up with the Jones's type comparison and behaviour.

The most important lesson in life is to live within your own means which includes if you get made redundant or suddenly unable to work can you afford to live?!

I used to get the mick taken out of me for my car but I owned it outright and when there were huge cut backs friends made unemployed the first thing which went back was the fancy cars!

We do go on quite a few holidays in normal times which friends have commented on previously. But I don't go shopping, have expensive hair cuts/beauty treatment/make up costs. I happily go to NCT nearly new sales for DS clothes and toys, we don't regularly have nights out or trips to the cinema. All this sort of stuff adds up!

Live within your means!

Thanks everyone , I understand it seems I am unkind about my friends but they are nice people and I feel incredibly bad in the way I feel about what they have. Good for them I should be saying, if they want these things and in so much debt then who cares. I've just come to a realisation of I'm being very petty and should use my feelings to gain better for myself if it what I want.i am probably naive to what they earn so just need to be thankful i have these friends who are genuinely nice and just get help, so what :-) more to life than what everyone else has!

You thought you and your partner had better jobs than them. Now they’ve got a better house.

It’s good that you’re looking at this, & questioning your response. As long as you don’t voice it I think jealously can be pretty helpful as it can help you identify what you want & what you feel like you’re missing.