Why can’t I love anyone properly?

[Buzzysocks]

I really worry that maybe I’m not wired correctly. I don’t seem to be able to love anyone like other people can. I love my parents, I know that I do, but I feel like I can’t really access it a lot of the time.
I love my dc, but I don’t feel like I feel it as deeply as most people do. I don’t know why. I care for them and look after them but I don’t feel my whole world revolves around them. I don’t feel like I put myself out as much as some other parents do. I just basically want them to be happy and grow up and leave home. I don’t feel any sadness about them growing up at all, in fact I’m looking forward to it.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not capable of the depth of feeling other people seem to have? I do stuff I do out of duty and because I know it’s the right thing to do but I very rarely actually feel it. I just do it because other people do it. I don’t actually want to go and watch dc play football or cricket. I never feel proud of them. I don’t feel ashamed of them either. I just feel nothing. I feel nothing most of the time.
What is that? In relationships I’ve waited for that type of love that is everything to happen and it hasn’t. I very rarely feel anything beyond irritated. I can do an excellent job of pretending though.
Mostly - in life generally - I feel despondent and bored. I don’t enjoy anything or look forward to anything and I don’t feel anything much about anything really.
I am genuinely worried there’s something really very wrong with me. Is this what it’s like to be a psychopath? A sociopath? I don’t know. I don’t seem to form connections like other people. I’ve plenty of friends but if they all dropped out my life tomorrow I wouldn’t bother very much. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them of course but if I didn’t see them again I wouldn’t be very bothered.
My parents I’ve hardly seen over lockdown and I don’t miss them at all. I almost feel like they no longer exist. I’ve stopped phoning them or anything and they’ve given up calling me because they know I won’t answer.
I do love my dc, but I’m not sure it’s the love everyone else feels.

Well, you're forcing yourself to do a lot of things you don't enjoy out of a sense of duty to others. That is a kind of love.

You don't seem to find relationships fulfilling. There are any number of reasons for that. I think the love bit is a red herring as you do act with a great of love.

Because I know I should. Not because I feel it. Inside I feel nothing at all.

I wonder what your childhood was like? I wonder why you don't want to see your parents and don't pick up when they call. Are you in a relationship? What is that like? Did you have close friends at school ? Do you think you might be depressed? Is there anything that makes you really happy?

I came across the ideas of this psychologist recently, I wonder if it feels relevant to you. She’s a bit cheesy American style but I think the concepts are helpful. drjonicewebb.com/cenquestionnaire/

No I never feel happy and I never enjoy anything.

My parents are lovely. They have me a great childhood by anyone’s standards. I just feel disconnected from them - I suppose not seeing them much hasn’t helped either - but I don’t feel anything much about them at all. I feel like I used to enjoy things and I used to feel love I think but it’s like that part of my brain and switched off.
I’m married. I don’t feel anything much towards DH either.

So it wasn't always like this.

I would ask if something traumatic happened, but it's a better question for a counsellor to ask.

I think you should try it.

Is there a point you switched off to feeling love? Do you remember the last thing you felt love towards?

Could it be depression, OP? Do you recall ever feeling more excited and motivated about things/people? For me, feeling less towards people and “shutting down” was a major sign; appreciate it may be different for you though.

I think I used to feel it towards my parents.
I love dc2 more than dc1 which I know I shouldn’t say but I do. I didn’t bond with dc1 very well for lots of reasons and unfortunately it’s affected how I feel. I desperately try not to show it, it’s not their fault.
I love dc2 probably more than anyone else but even then a lot of the time I’m faking my enjoyment or happiness when I’m with them. If I thought they’d be just as happy with someone else and they’d be safe and looked after - the dc j mean - I’d just as soon someone else had them.

You sound a bit like me OP.
If I could pinpoint a reason I'd say it's that I never got the feeling that my parents loved me. They looked after me fine of course, I just didn't get hugged or feel love that I can remember.
But I don't feel my lack of love for other people is a problem. Like you, if they vanished out of my life I think I'd cope OK.
I do enjoy my life though. I enjoy the things I do and I'm busy so perhaps I have less time to dwell on the things that are missing?

I hug my dc and tell them I love them all the time, but I feel pretty empty.

I don’t understand how other people love so much. My friend was very concerned about me a while ago and seemed genuinely upset that I wasn’t very well. I’d message someone to see how they are and check in but I wouldn’t actually be that bothered about them. Not that I’d wish them ill. But just nothing either way.

Maybe it’s depression. I didn’t know it could present like this though. I just feel totally totally checked out of my own life. Like it’s done to me and happens to me rather than my being an active participant.

What you describe are common symptoms of depression. Often described as feeling like there is a screen between yourself and others. I know someone who I would say is depressed. He says he flatlines all the time. Have you ever had therapy?

Yes, it made no difference.
Would medication help? I just want to be normal.

I think that’s it. I feel no connection - I know I love my dc and my parents but it’s abstract. I want them to be happy and ok, I don’t want anything to happen to them but I don’t feel anything much towards them apart from exhaustion and duty.

You perhaps need a different kind of therapy. Did you have counselling or something else?

Counselling. Talking therapy / CBT

I think you need a proper Psychotherapist, preferably one who does body work as well (emotions are stored in the body, and even things we don't remember are remembered by the body). Be prepared for long term work . If there are deep rooted reasons why you feel as you do it will take time and work to uncover them. Counselling is fairly surface and a lot of counselling training varies in quality hugely.
CBT is not appropriate because it isn't analytical, it just offers coping strategies.

I do think your honesty is refreshing though OP. I don't think it's actually that unusual to feel nothing. I sometimes think like that. I know I love my parents. They will literally do anything for me and because of that I do a lot for them too. But I don't always enjoy it. I quite like being around my Dad but often times I find they irritate me. Likewise my DC. I say I love them. In fact I do actually think I love them. But I hate going to see them in plays. I hate doing homework with them even though I do. I often find myself sat in the room while the dc play around with their dad. I am present but I don't get involved. In fact I usually find the noise and jostling of them goofing around annoys me. I don't know why, I know I should join in but I don't want to. I resent that they're getting older and I don't get evenings to myself or I can't just watch a movie with DH without being interrupted. I also look forward to them leaving home.

However, I do know I have feelings and emotions and actually great love for them. I only realise this when something big happens. Maybe I let them down in some way or I inadvertently hurt someone. Also, I watched a man die last summer. I was trying to help him but he didn't want to be helped and he does. Right in front of me. The absolute horror and pain of seeing that absolutely destroyed me. I realised then that I am normal. I don't feel great overwhelming love but I show love and am shown love everyday. Maybe you're just wired differently. I would say it's important for you to find something that you actually do find fulfilling. Something just for you. Do you have any hobbies? I think if you can find an activity that gives you pleasure you may be able to reconnect with yourself.

I do believe that even sociopaths have emotions. They lack empathy and perhaps love but they do feel pleasure and joy so it doesn't sound to me like you have such a personality disorder. It does sound more like depression to me.

Your relationship with your husband OP - could you elaborate? You say you love your parents and DC but you don't include him. Is it a happy relationship? What's the background?

I agreed with a lot of your post i.e. now having overwhelming love/depth of feelings that others seem to have and not bothering too much about friendships etc and I also relate to your post about your love for your children being different due to bonding issues with the first child. However a lot of your other comments suggest depression to me as you feel disassociated from your life/numb and literally get joy from nothing when you did previously. That's text book depression symptoms. PND with your fist child perhaps? A desperately unhappy marriage? I'd speak with your doctor for sure as it doesn't have to be this way

*not having overwhelming love

The way you describe your feelings sounds like depression.

When you say you had a great childhood, did you feel loved? And by that I mean did you receive emotional warmth, hugs, kisses, being told that you’re loved? Did you parents tell you they were proud of you and make an effort to help you to follow your dreams? Were you encouraged to talk about your feelings and emotions, or were things like that shut down within your family?