Why can’t I love anyone properly?

[Buzzysocks]

I really worry that maybe I’m not wired correctly. I don’t seem to be able to love anyone like other people can. I love my parents, I know that I do, but I feel like I can’t really access it a lot of the time.
I love my dc, but I don’t feel like I feel it as deeply as most people do. I don’t know why. I care for them and look after them but I don’t feel my whole world revolves around them. I don’t feel like I put myself out as much as some other parents do. I just basically want them to be happy and grow up and leave home. I don’t feel any sadness about them growing up at all, in fact I’m looking forward to it.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not capable of the depth of feeling other people seem to have? I do stuff I do out of duty and because I know it’s the right thing to do but I very rarely actually feel it. I just do it because other people do it. I don’t actually want to go and watch dc play football or cricket. I never feel proud of them. I don’t feel ashamed of them either. I just feel nothing. I feel nothing most of the time.
What is that? In relationships I’ve waited for that type of love that is everything to happen and it hasn’t. I very rarely feel anything beyond irritated. I can do an excellent job of pretending though.
Mostly - in life generally - I feel despondent and bored. I don’t enjoy anything or look forward to anything and I don’t feel anything much about anything really.
I am genuinely worried there’s something really very wrong with me. Is this what it’s like to be a psychopath? A sociopath? I don’t know. I don’t seem to form connections like other people. I’ve plenty of friends but if they all dropped out my life tomorrow I wouldn’t bother very much. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them of course but if I didn’t see them again I wouldn’t be very bothered.
My parents I’ve hardly seen over lockdown and I don’t miss them at all. I almost feel like they no longer exist. I’ve stopped phoning them or anything and they’ve given up calling me because they know I won’t answer.
I do love my dc, but I’m not sure it’s the love everyone else feels.

This is really interesting and I have saved a lot of links to read later. Thank you @Buzzysocks for posting this.

Gosh OP, I actually feel just the same as you. I always have wondered if I'm lacking something. I just put it down to simply being a pragmatist and I reckon that there are many different shades of expressing human emotion. I'm not sure I have really ever loved anybody. I can be very fond of people but I'm always waiting to feel what 'proper' love is. Hugging, emotion, neediness I find incredibly claustrophobic. I think we're just at one end of a wide range of normal human types. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

I found OP that a certain set of circumstances hardened me this way— I wasn’t always like this — I’m actually quite deep but not Mega affectionate — I also had parents too bound up in their own personal issues and affairs etc to ever place me first

@katy1213

You sound perfectly normal to me and your children will do better for realising that the world doesn't revolve around them. Stop comparing yourself to other people. A lot of the effusive love out there isn't based on deep emotion, it's just for show.

This is spot on. I don't trust people who are so over the top, it's often a show or can change like the wind. You are probably just worn out, op. Try get a bit of time to yourself, and some vitamins.

An emotionally unresponsive childhood can commonly cause emotionally unresponsive adults, as you have dampened down your emotions to fit in with what was happening at the time in your childhood to cope and struggle to reignite them in adulthood. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is very good at addressing that and is essentially there to support with relabelling emotions and developing distress tolerance until you are able to feel and work with a wide range of emotions, as they’re likely being masked at the moment

Cortisol (produced during times of stress and higher in those with anxiety/depression) can dampen oxytocin (the bonding hormone). Could this be the case for you? Either way, I can relate and didn't always feel like this.

It does sound like a few of us have shut down

Am currently detached from family and some friends, it's almost like the irritate me and sure they all think I'm a spoiled brat because all I want is some bloody alone time, I think after the year I've had so many expectations for me to meet I'd like to just disappear for a little while

I’m the same as you, and as you can see in your thread, many others are the same, you don’t necessarily need therapy ! It’s there if you want it, or you could just accept it’s who you are and have peace with it, you probably put on a show to try and fit in and be seen as ‘normal’ there is no such thing.

@katy1213

You sound perfectly normal to me and your children will do better for realising that the world doesn't revolve around them. Stop comparing yourself to other people. A lot of the effusive love out there isn't based on deep emotion, it's just for show.

It certainly isn't typical, if that's what you mean. Both op and to a degree you sound like my ex and my father - both good people, both I truly believe would die for their DCs, but both very detached in day to day life and did the right things but would mostly have preferred to be doing their own hobbies and have more freedom. Both also diagnosed as adults with autism, like others here.

The difference was that like the OP my ex felt he was missing something while like this pp my dad often assumed everyone felt the same way. Overall I think it was better for ex (and OP) to recognise that theirs isn't a typical experience, my ex has been through an asd diagnosis process and then quite a lot of therapy that has really helped him have a lot more insight into his own motivations but also to how others might be feeling or reacting (and that it's not fake). It was too late for our relationship but really helpful for his relationship with our DCs and I believe that if he does choose to have another long term relationship (which is not necessarily likely), he'll be able to be a lot clearer about his own needs and feelings and likely have a much better one.

@OverTheRubicon. Don't have anything to add to what you've said but your post was very thought-provoking and well, got me thinking! So thank you.