Why can’t I love anyone properly?

[Buzzysocks]

I really worry that maybe I’m not wired correctly. I don’t seem to be able to love anyone like other people can. I love my parents, I know that I do, but I feel like I can’t really access it a lot of the time.
I love my dc, but I don’t feel like I feel it as deeply as most people do. I don’t know why. I care for them and look after them but I don’t feel my whole world revolves around them. I don’t feel like I put myself out as much as some other parents do. I just basically want them to be happy and grow up and leave home. I don’t feel any sadness about them growing up at all, in fact I’m looking forward to it.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not capable of the depth of feeling other people seem to have? I do stuff I do out of duty and because I know it’s the right thing to do but I very rarely actually feel it. I just do it because other people do it. I don’t actually want to go and watch dc play football or cricket. I never feel proud of them. I don’t feel ashamed of them either. I just feel nothing. I feel nothing most of the time.
What is that? In relationships I’ve waited for that type of love that is everything to happen and it hasn’t. I very rarely feel anything beyond irritated. I can do an excellent job of pretending though.
Mostly - in life generally - I feel despondent and bored. I don’t enjoy anything or look forward to anything and I don’t feel anything much about anything really.
I am genuinely worried there’s something really very wrong with me. Is this what it’s like to be a psychopath? A sociopath? I don’t know. I don’t seem to form connections like other people. I’ve plenty of friends but if they all dropped out my life tomorrow I wouldn’t bother very much. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them of course but if I didn’t see them again I wouldn’t be very bothered.
My parents I’ve hardly seen over lockdown and I don’t miss them at all. I almost feel like they no longer exist. I’ve stopped phoning them or anything and they’ve given up calling me because they know I won’t answer.
I do love my dc, but I’m not sure it’s the love everyone else feels.

Thank you for this post OP. I have felt the same all of my life. I am definitely not depressed though, I’m not sad or pull away from life. I just don’t feel love towards other people - it can best be described as caring about but not that all-encompassing love that other people feel. I do most social interactions out of duty, and feel better when they are over afterwards.

OP you have summed up how I"ve felt most of my life. I remember my DM telling me that when I laughed as a little kid it sounded like I was faking it, that I didn't really "feel" the laugh.

I remember times when I was dating the most wonderful man, I should've felt on top of the world but I felt so empty. Eventually it drove him away. I haven't found anyone like him yet, so I'm full of regret for pushing him away.

I will admit when I had my DD i thought maybe being a mother will spark something in me but it didn't. I love her but I don't have the passionate, walk across hot coals, love for her like so many other parents have for their children. I'm always jealous of those parents that feel that way about their the DCs.

And like you, if I don't hear from friends anymore it doesn't really bother me too much. I'm extremely introverted, but it's more than that. I think my upbringing- domestic violence, a DM with some narcissist traits, and other family issues - have affected me greatly.

It sounds a bit like depression to me op. Maybe you should do the questionnaire on nhs website and see what result you get

I’m comforted that it’s not just me - although also feel for those who are the same.
I’ve wondered if I’m a sociopath maybe, but I do feel the emotions, I do feel sad and I can empathise, I just don’t feel the good stuff very well.
The closest to it is dc2 in terms of love. Everyone else I’m a bit 🤷🏼‍♀️ about but I put on a good show I think.

I feel exactly the same.

I definitely have detachment issues, but I know mine is related to trauma and I need to seek therapy around that. You’re not alone.

My parents were much more invested in me than I am in my children. I want my children to be happy and healthy, of course. I just don’t feel the strength of feeling that I think I should around them.

Attachment theory has helped me a lot in my life. It sounds like you have a dissmissive avoidant attachment style OP. These things can be worked on, I've become a lot better with reading around the topic and therapy.

Happy to find this thread, I've always thought there was something wrong with me too. I just don't know if I feel love, or I don't know what love is at any rate.
I left a long relationship about 14 months ago with a wonderful man because I thought I just didn't love him. And perhaps I didn't, but I just don't know.
I also thought that I might be a sociopath but other aspects just don't fit. The other idea that I explored in therapy was high functioning depression and some emotional neglect as a child - neither have really provided me any insights.

I do FEEL. I feel a lot of emotions, I just feel hollow when it comes to how I think I should love for others who are close to me. It's painful for me and I don't know what else to try :(

Some people aren't very people orientated. It doesn't mean they wish ill towards others, but not being around people, even people they like doesn't bother them that much.

There could be a neurochemical reason too for your feelings. Hormonal contraceptives can really dull or flatten emotions, as can some types of depression.

Other than feeling guilt or wondering if you're normal or not, do your lack of emotions bother you? Do you feel like you're missing out? If so, maybe a trip to a GP would be good.

I'm the same. A work colleague asked if I had adhd today?

I could have written this post.

I am good spouse and loving parent but I act more out of duty and doing things than anything else.

I just don't feel much anymore.
I don't feel any deep emotions.

A counsellor I once saw used the term Anhedonia and it can be a symptom of depression or ptsd.
In my case both of those would fit.

I just wish I could make sons progress, the counselling didn't help much.

Could have written your post OP. In fact I came on here to trawl threads on this very subject because I'm struggling with this at the moment. I've just had an assessment for some therapy, just feel I need to do something.
I've become very conscious of the fact that I don't really feel love, certainly not romantic love. I'm rarely attracted to anyone, and when I am, my interest seem to wane really quickly. I was married for a long time but never really loved my ex, just think I was going through the expected motions.
I feel the same way about my DC as you do. I love them but I also love being away from them too when they're with their dad. I have the noise and stress and the endless having to play.
In my case I think there is a lot of baggage from my (icily-parented) childhood contributing to this. I don't know if you've ever considered this in your case, but I'm very likely on the autistic spectrum - my father had aspergers, my eldest has aspergers, and my youngest ADHD so there is a strong genetic thing going on. I feel like it's put a barrier up around me making it impossible to access any real depth of feeling. It's been making me feel very down lately as I feel like I'm going to be on my own forever. Solidarity x

I am also very similar! I was about to comment on a thread about how to be more independent in relationships but I thought my viewpoint probably wasn’t very helpful.

I do things in all my relationships more because I think I should than because I want to. But I get a kind of pleasure out of doing the ‘right’ thing. I love cuddling my baby nephew but even as I do it I know it’s not for me, or for him, but because that’s how I ‘should’ feel. And I get a pleasure from doing the right thing. But not from the thing itself, if that makes sense

@Lb1204

Attachment theory has helped me a lot in my life. It sounds like you have a dissmissive avoidant attachment style OP. These things can be worked on, I've become a lot better with reading around the topic and therapy.

Wow, absolutely fascinating. This is an eye opener for me. Just been googling it. Thank you

I'm like this but I have high functioning autism. I feel things very deeply, but not in the same way as other people. And I don't need any other human to make me happy. Although they can. But I can live without them. I thought I was odd for years. I am. And I'm finally ok with it.

I'm like this but I have high functioning autism

This was my first thought!

I'm like this OP and have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD is complex and presents very very differently in different people but I think it's at the heart of things for me for a number of reasons. I'll try to write more tomorrow if you think it might be a possibility? What are you like at doing things you find boring? Do you find things like organisation and time keeping easy or hard? What's your attention span, concentration and focus like?

I'm not far off what you are like OP, apart from with my immediate family, they mean the world to me. I see my parents out of a sense of duty and I haven't spoken to my brother for months. Probably the next time I will se him is Xmas, again that's only because he will be down here.

Others, I wish them no harm, but to be honest, I wouldn't lose any sleep over anything happening to them. When all the covid effort blew up, I had to stop doing the sport I do and obviously didn't see anyone from there for over 12 months. I didn't give any of them a second thought during that time.

Glad you found it helpful! I would recommend checking out freetoattach.com

beaufordstreet

Glad you found it helpful! I would recommend checking out freetoattach.com

BluebellsGreenbells

I'm like this but I have high functioning autism
This was my first thought!”

Mine too. What age are you *Buzzysocks”?
I appreciate that autism can be a very lazy go to but you have listed so many indicators. There are hundreds of thousands of people in their 30s plus, (maybe more, in fact probably) struggling with daily family life, beating themselves up about their “failings” when what they actually need is diagnosis, treatment if applicable and practical help.
Our daughter is 26. One of her good friends had high functioning autism which was diagnosed only because her parents were a tenacious GP and a psychiatric nurse. Then, if you were a common or garden family with no professional expertise, the chances of a diagnosis were virtually nil.
Were I you, I would be following that line of enquiry. In the meantime, your posts clearly demonstrate that your children are in safe hands.

I'm the same. I've never really understood what other people mean when they say they love someone. I've felt the screen come down between me and others, including pets, even while I'm (on the surface at least) engaging with them. @Ilovedacake my answer to all of your questions would be no and while I was growing up I just assumed that all families were like that and that everyone else's experiences were the same as mine.

+1 for checking whether there could be a relation to hormones or medications.
I felt "behind glass" but the moment I went on HRT I felt 'normal' again within an hour.

Obvs I'm not saying "it's definitely a biochemical trigger" or "it's definitely menopause" (you sound a bit young for that!!) - just that getting the biochemical side checked is relatively simple to rule in or out, and it could be that. So worth checking that early.

I do understand how unsettling it can be when your emotions aren't what you expect so good luck.

You sound perfectly normal to me and your children will do better for realising that the world doesn't revolve around them.
Stop comparing yourself to other people. A lot of the effusive love out there isn't based on deep emotion, it's just for show.