My mum has never liked me. She has made it quite clear from her actions and words throughout my life. She has never been an ally or support, was abusive and neglectful when I was younger and has always seemed to take pleasure in my pain and failures.
She is much older now and I have DC of my own but it has got to the point where her mind has deteriorated so much that there is no facade any more. She just clearly hates me and tells me so to my face.
I used to tolerate it all because it just made my relationship with my dad easier, and if I ignored the constant insinuations and criticisms and confronted only the very worst stuff she did, I survived with low self esteem and therapy and a few abusive relationships over the years.
Her inability to filter or have a facade now she has deteriorated with age has brought it all into sharp focus for me. My relationship with her is the cause of many of the things in my life I have not been able to fathom or understand: why I always chose the same abusive, controlling men, why I have never felt I had a right to stand up for myself, feeling constantly like a failure and with a sense of constant, deep shame . I have never had a sense of self or a strong sense of self worth. I have fawned and complied to everyone for decades. I don’t trust other people. I see in other people’s responses to me, her messages of mocking, laughing, humiliating and criticising and I assume there is something inherently dislikeable or laughable about me, like I am actually an object of pity and I do not know it - or a buffoon, like a clown or a pantomime horse and it’s evident to everyone.
So now it is so out in the open, in front of everyone, including my own DC who are so impressionable right now, I don’t really know what to do anymore. She hates the way I look and the words I say. Every bit of contact I have with her is negative and highly critical. She openly tells the DC she doesn’t like me. When they ask why she says something like - “I can’t even begin to describe. I feel sorry for you all.”
She’s 78. Imagine I cut her out now? I am her only child. None of the rest of my family would forgive me and it would add fuel to her fire that I am an awful person.
WWYD?