DP doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me on our own

[teatrays]

Just to set the background, I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, none together. We don't live together but spend plenty of time round each other's houses.

The issue I have is that he never seems to want to spend any time with me that doesn't involve the kids. We do lots with our DC, and everyone gets on well. He will happily use annual leave to take the kids (both sets) away or on days out. He will research places to take them. If there is a rare day that we don't have either sets of kids so we could do something, he will then have his extra. He will spend lots of time planning if it involves all the DC.

But when it comes to me, nothing. I'll suggest doing something and he'll agree but then he changes his mind, or it can't happen for some reason, or something else comes up. I'll say this film looks good, let's go cinema to watch it. He'll check if the DC can go. I said to him the other day let's have 2 nights away in the next few months. He agreed, and then said let's take the kids too, even though we're already taking them away somewhere else the following month.

I hope I don't come across as demanding. I do appreciate the fact that he is so willing to do things with all the kids (mine included, not just his), but it's really starting to get me down that he doesn't seem bothered in the slightest about spending any time with me. I just don't understand it!

Is he subconsciously using you as an unpaid nanny for trips out?
Or a df who feels too guilty to have a life outside being a df?
Neither would appeal to me.

No way would I be ok with this. It’s great he’s such a good dad and so inclusive of all of the children, yours and his. But how is there any basis for a relationship if you never spend any time being a couple? Like, what do you get out of it other than family days out? How’s your sex life? I wouldn’t like this at all.

Start to take a little step back. Next time he messages about when he's going to see you and suggests something with the kids say you'll give it a miss this time. See how you go from there. I'd also be worried that he was using you as a kind of nanny like the others said.

Where did you meet him? Surely you used to date a bit before you met each others kids?

@Aprilwasverywet I'm actually wondering whether you're on to something there when you said is he feeling guilty of having a life outside of the DC....

@DeathToCovid I feel like I'm getting very little out of the relationship at the moment! We get on great, and he's very affectionate, but the lack of time alone is not easy. Sex life isn't that great either really.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe I met him online. We did date before we introduced the kids to each other but as soon as that happened the couple stuff really died down.

I don't think he's using me as some kind of nanny as he's very hands on with his kids and I don't ever really get involved with that side of things.

It's very common. I had my dc supposedly 50 /50 but exh was always a twat if I tried to organise anything.. I had younger dc and still had days out and holidays but did feel crap.. They moved ft with me as teens and have I hope made it up to them!! But never stopped me having week ends away dc - free. But odd he doesn't want that for you
. All relationships need nurturing without dc tagging along ime... Tell him that. But me prepared to Ltb. He isn't showing he is committed to a long term relationship with you sadly..

I would not like this. Its important to spend time alone.
If his kids were yours, you would still need time together alone.

I would have a conversation with him. Say you want 1 night every other week for just the 2 of you as a couple, if he wont, then I would take a step back.

He sounds more interested in your kids than you. It rings alarm bells.

Sounds like he just wants you there to help out with his kids

To be honest it just sounds like he likes being a family on days out, and having that fun family vibe where the kids enjoy themselves but isn't actually interested in a relationship outside of that.

It's definitely not so I can look after his DC - he does that all himself and I don't really get involved!

When you're all together, is it always doing some activity or going somewhere?

Do you ever just stay home and do nothing?

I wonder is he is subconsciously creating a family unit of mum, dad and children by having you there with them. Do you think he mourns the loss of this in splitting with his ex? Who drove the split?

I hope I don't come across as demanding.

You really don't come across as demanding, in fact as not neatly demanding enough. What is the point of the relationship if he is only interested when there are children around.

I would try as PPs have suggested skipping a few of the events and not suggesting anything myself, to see whether he ever suggests doing anything just the two of you. If not ...

Sounds like he likes having company whilst he looks after his dc. It's much more fun and easier with two adults. The first thing I thought when I started reading your posts is that he wants an unpaid nanny.

@RantyAnty Yes we do stay at home and do nothing too, but even on those occasions he completely centres it around the kids and I feel pretty invisible!

@UCOinanOCG He was only together a short while with his ex and it was a mutual decision to split.

@FinallyHere I made an excuse not to go to something the weekend just gone. I'm definitely going to not suggest anything for me and him to do, and see just how long it is until we do something on our own.

@harknesswitch I don't get involved in looking after or helping with his DC.

Have the conversation with him! Doesn't have to be a big drama but you're not unreasonable for wanting to bring this up and change it.

It might be his style of parenting. Some people, when they become parents, seem to want to include their DC in absolutely every aspect of their lives. I personally find that a tiresome trait, and I've only encountered it in friends, so if I were you I'd want to push back on it as well.

It sounds like her has a lot of guilt about being the none resident parent.
I think pulling back a bit is a good suggestion.

@gannett I did try to talk to him about it, but his response was well it's nice to include the DC!

[quote teatrays]@gannett I did try to talk to him about it, but his response was well it's nice to include the DC! [/quote]
That's not the end of the conversation though!

Again this shouldn't be dramatic but you can be firm. "Yes it's nice include the DC - but what I want, and what I need in this relationship, is time for just us two as well. This isn't happening at the moment and I'd like that to change."

It's really a normal thing to want, and it doesn't mean you're excluding the DC. Resisting that suggestion would be unreasonable of him IMO.

Basically, this isn't a relationship - it's a series of playdates.

I can kind of sympathise with your partner...Including kids in all aspects of normal life: going out to eat, going to see friends, travelling, going to parties, etc, felt good to me when our kids were small. Some people really have more of a need for time away from kids than others do.

I think it is partly cultural too- there are other cultures that include kids in more ways that British culture does. For instance in many places in Southern Europe it is normal to see kids up late at parties etc, whereas in the UK, this would raise eyebrows. Here, there is more of an idea of children having different meal times, bedtimes, routines than their parents... this is not universal!

Having said that, you are not happy, so have you really had conversations about this? I think it would be good to talk at a time you are feeling happy and close, (not when you are feeling hurt and fed up). If you can explain how you personally need some time alone with him (even if he is not feeling that at the moment), and if you can give him specific examples of what is missing (him cancelling dates repeatedly) and what sort of changes you would like to make to the pattern, you will get a feeling for whether he is really listening and really caring and sensitive to you.

He sounds like a good guy, and he is affectionate to you, so I hope it works out!

My first thought was he feels guilty doing things away from the kids also.

I guess next time you discuss it, acknowledge that it’s nice to do things with the kids, but also nice to have some grown-up/adult time.

@OrchestraOfWankery That's exactly what it feels like!

Another thing I got to mention! He tells both his DC and my DC that he loves them, but never tells me

Maybe he loves the idea of giving his dc a 'proper' family life and is sadly using you and your dc to give them one...