DP doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me on our own

[teatrays]

Just to set the background, I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, none together. We don't live together but spend plenty of time round each other's houses.

The issue I have is that he never seems to want to spend any time with me that doesn't involve the kids. We do lots with our DC, and everyone gets on well. He will happily use annual leave to take the kids (both sets) away or on days out. He will research places to take them. If there is a rare day that we don't have either sets of kids so we could do something, he will then have his extra. He will spend lots of time planning if it involves all the DC.

But when it comes to me, nothing. I'll suggest doing something and he'll agree but then he changes his mind, or it can't happen for some reason, or something else comes up. I'll say this film looks good, let's go cinema to watch it. He'll check if the DC can go. I said to him the other day let's have 2 nights away in the next few months. He agreed, and then said let's take the kids too, even though we're already taking them away somewhere else the following month.

I hope I don't come across as demanding. I do appreciate the fact that he is so willing to do things with all the kids (mine included, not just his), but it's really starting to get me down that he doesn't seem bothered in the slightest about spending any time with me. I just don't understand it!

He sounds more interested in your kids than you. It rings alarm bells.

This. How old are the children? Either way, he just doesn't sound interested in you. I date someone with DC. We spend time with the DC but we also make absolutely sure we find time to spend together, just the two of us. There's something weird going on.

Do you have anything in common apart from that you both have children ? Do you think if you didn't have kids and did stuff with them that this relationship would have legs or would it have died out?

@BertramLacey One is 7, the other a teenager. He's closest to my youngest.

@mewkins We have quite a lot in common which is why this is so odd!

@AtrociousCircumstance

He sounds more interested in your kids than you. It rings alarm bells.

This. Sexual abuse is more common than most people realise and is normally perpetrated by men who know the children and have build up trust with them. Step dads/boyfriends are the highest risk people you can bring into your children's lives. Unless he's using OP for free childcare for his kids, his behaviour is very strange, especially for a man.

There's definitely no kind of abuse going on!

@teatrays

There's definitely no kind of abuse going on!

@teatrays Obviously we all very much hope that isn't the case but you absolutely don't know there's no abuse going on. It's normal for children who've been/are being sexually abused to.keep it a secret, often for their entire lives. And abusers are very sly with how they go about it.

It's exactly why sexual abusers build up trust with the child and with the parent(s) (if they're not the parent themselves) as it highly guarantees that the child will normalise the abuse and/or be wary of reporting it to someone, especially the parent who the child can see is close to the abuser.

Abusers mainly aren't dodgy looking Roy Whiting types, they're people like you and me, who have normal jobs, normal lives, normal looks, and are "nice", but have a secret sexual deviancy.

Many women are disproportionately paranoid about strangers but think nothing of introducing an unrelated man to their kids. It's extremely rare for an abuser to snatch a child from the street when he risks everything by doing so. By far the easiest way for a man to gain access to children is to have them himself or to date a single woman with kids. The vast majority of sexual abuse cases are in families with the male relative/mum's partner. The behaviour of your boyfriend you've described in your posts is very abnormal and it's of no benefit to anyone to put your head in the sand.

@DateXY I do appreciate you're concern! There is absolutely no abuse going on though, my DP is not left alone with my DC. He never baby sits, helps with bath nights / bed times, takes them anywhere. It would be impossible for anything to happen.

However I do agree that my DP's behaviour appears to be odd.

[quote teatrays]@DateXY I do appreciate you're concern! There is absolutely no abuse going on though, my DP is not left alone with my DC. He never baby sits, helps with bath nights / bed times, takes them anywhere. It would be impossible for anything to happen.

However I do agree that my DP's behaviour appears to be odd. [/quote]
Nothing is impossible, especially in these type of circumstances. We are not saying its what is going on but it does seem strange, just have your wits about you. He clearly doesn't seem interested in you so am not sure if its worth you continuing with this guy anyway.

@teatrays

Another thing I got to mention! He tells both his DC and my DC that he loves them, but never tells me

That’s creepy as fuck.

My first instinct is that he doesnt know how to be a boyfriend anymore. It's like couples with small kids go to a restaurant without kids and sit in silence. How often he has the kids? Does he feel guilty that he is not there all the time and then tries to compensate for your ex being there all the time?

I'd have a talk with him. Tell him how you feel. He can't just dismiss it. Of he says he has no desire to spend time alone then that's a problem. But could be that he is such a family guy instead of partner that he doesnt even notice it.

@MiddleParking exactly. That alone would send alarm bells ringing in vast majority of women. There's no way I would be staying with such a man. This man has targeted a woman with self doubts/lack of self esteem who has been willing to put up with this and not properly challenge his creepy behaviour.

And abuse can come in many different forms. It includes taking secret photos or videos of children, inappropriate exposure to children e.g. when taking them to the toilet, covertly sending them inappropriate material, getting close to and friendly with them to in order to groom them for future abuse etc.

Although I really do appreciate the concern, there is definitely NOT any abuse happening.

@Rewis He has his DC almost 50/50. I definitely think it's something to do with guilt and how he doesn't want to have fun if his DC aren't around!

It's really, really weird that he tells your kids he loves them but doesn't tell you he loves you. This isn't a healthy dynamic at all and not one I would want to model to my kids.

It's really, really weird that he tells your kids he loves them but doesn't tell you he loves you. This isn't a healthy dynamic at all and not one I would want to model to my kids.

This, OP. Whatever else is or isn't going on, this does not sound healthy. I'd think very seriously about the relationship. Assuming he is lovely and just insecure, you can't fix that. He may not be ready for a relationship. I would certainly be talking to him about your lack of time together. You do deserve a partner who will actually be a partner.

So your sex life isn't great, perhaps you need to have a rethink about him OP.

This is all a bit lacking really, isn't it?

To be honest in most families with effectively four kids there wouldn't be a lot of time or energy for "date nights" in many ways you are lucky that this is even possible.
I'm aghast at how readily a man interested in doing things with kids is suspected of child abuse FFS.
However, if he hasn't, and won't, respond to your requests for time spent with him alone then he's not a great partner is he? Try again and seriously consider ending it if he can't shape up.

Hi OP.. your post really resonates with me. I have being seeing someone for the last 6 months but he only seems to want to arrange days out with the kids. He has 2 and I have 2. He has his every second weekend and I have mine almost full time. I am always the one to initiate time on our own for a walk every so often which he seems to enjoy but it is starting to get to me lately. I'm wondering if he only want to meet with kids so that the kids can play together and it's something for him to do with his kids on the weekends he has them. I can't understand it either as we get on so well and there is def a spark there but I'm finding this confusing also and following this thread to see what people's opinions are.

Sounds like he wants the family life more than he needs a close connection.

OP I also agree with those who think it's guilt. I knew a man who left his wife and daughter but refuses to date anyone until she's 18. He feels guilty leaving the house in the evening in case she phones and he's on the phone to her every single night until she goes to bed. He has her every weekend as well. He is wracked with guilt at leaving. His ex (apparently I don't know her) has a lot of mh issues and goes to be at 8pm every night so his daughter is by herself, that's why he phones. He hates the idea of her being alone in the house.

@teatrays

Another thing I got to mention! He tells both his DC and my DC that he loves them, but never tells me

That's because he probably doesn't. He certainly does not 'see' you. He also shut you down pretty quick when you bought it up.

Ask him again - watch his reaction. Does he shut you down or brush it off? How well does he do it? Really smooth? - then he is a cool operator.

He knows what he is doing. Having ready made friends for your children makes parenting so much easier and fun. I always felt relief if an outing could involve a friend. He likes you, enough, but he likes this added value more.

You have to trust your instincts. And put yourself first. Before this becomes an embedded family structure you feel bad for exiting.

I'm aghast at how readily a man interested in doing things with kids is suspected of child abuse FFS.

I was a child in the 70s and 80s. It's only just coming to light now how prevalent child abuse was then and how it hid in plain sight. It is sensible to be a little suspicious. Of course it could all be very innocent. Then again, it might not be and given the consequences, it is well to be careful.

@teatrays, I suspect he gets way more enjoyment from the adoration of younger children than the "hard work" needed for a relationship.

My guess is he keeps you at arms length as a way to avoid intimacy so it's no surprise your sex life isn't good. By 3 years your relationship should be deepening but it's getting further apart which is symptomatic of an avoidant personality.

He probadly likes the idea of a partner (box ticked) but doesn't really want one.

What is his relationship like with his parents or siblings?

What is the point of the relationship if you don't spend alone time. Is he interested in the bedroom or just wants company with his childcare ?

@teatrays

There's definitely no kind of abuse going on!

Do you ever leave your dc alone with him ? It would definitely ring alarm bells to me. Sexual predators of kids have to first befriend their mother to get to the child

I think for him the relationship has run it's course. He doesn't want intimacy with you or to spend time with you. So for him, it's probably over and he doesn't know how to tell you, and because his dc enjoy spending time with yours, he wants to keep that dynamic going. Don't let him string you along.