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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally said enough is enough and asked my husband to leave

55 replies

Boymum99 · 09/05/2021 13:08

Hi ladies,

I have previously posted on here about my marriage issues however for months I carried on taking the easy option and staying with my husband. My marriage was completely toxic but out of fear of change and financial worry I stayed.

I dread every weekend as we never have one without a fight but this weekend was worse than ever with a huge argument last night then another fight started before I had even ate my breakfast. I finally had the courage to voice how I feel and asked him to leave. Thankfully he listened and packed his stuff and went.

I know it is the right thing however I am terrified. I have 2 young boys who adore their dad. They don’t know their dad has gone so I need to break the news to them tonight. They will be devastated but I don’t want my children growing up in a war zone.

I am so scared but I can’t carry on being unhappy, Anyway sorry for ranting but I just needed to share and break the power of it, I don’t have many friends as my husband was very judgemental on who I associated with and again I took the easy option and drifted away from people.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Iamclearlyamug · 09/05/2021 13:11

You’ve done the right thing and I promise it will get easier. Someone better than me will be along any second, but just wanted to show my support 🥰🥰

SunIsComing · 09/05/2021 15:01

Likewise, good for you. Tell the kids dad is working away or something until you feel stronger. You’ve done the right thing and can’t live you’re life being unhappy. Be practical now and see a solicitor.

Queenie6655 · 09/05/2021 15:08

Poor you

You have done the RIGHT thing
How bad has his behaviour been?
Would you trust him alone with the kids?

Sending you best wishes ❤️❤️

Original poster
Boymum99 · 09/05/2021 15:49

Thanks ladies. I m going to have a sit down with my children tonight. Bizarrely my oldest never even noticed he was gone as he is so used to it just being me as my ex works nonstop and spends so little time with us.
My ex loves the kids with all his heart so I have no issues leaving them with him. I just hope he makes time for them as work always comes first. He is the kind of dad that thinks buying them loads of stuff is enough. He is however a very loving dad we are just toxic together. We are polar opposites and should never have got married. I so hope I can stay strong and hold it together for my boys. My mum was a single parent so I know how hard it is but I just can’t stay in an unhappy relationship any longer.

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 09/05/2021 15:58

Well done OP from freeing yourself from a toxic relationship. You deserve better and being treated by someone who can love and treat you with respect.

I did the same recently. Just take one day at a time. When my ex life I told her that her dad was away for a few days helping a friend - a few days later I then told her the truth which she accepted and didn't seem surprised.

As long as you reassure them that their dad will see them both and for now nothing else will change (ie living at your home and school) kids accept that better when they have been reassured. I would mention it to school too just in case they may need some additional support

Original poster
Boymum99 · 09/05/2021 17:11

Thanks for sharing your story. My youngest is such a daddy boy and the first thing he said when we came home tonight was where is daddy. I m dreading telling them but think you are right and I need to wait a few days. My ex was going to call them this week so maybe that is the right timing. I m feeling relieved but also very scared.

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 09/05/2021 20:09

Good for you for doing this, as this is the most important step. Telling the kids is the next one and I understand you dreading it. I just told my DH I want to separate couple of weeks ago and we still have not told our kids. A bit different situation as he still lives in the house (and will be for the next few months Sad) Also our kids are grown up although still live in the house, but I am very anxious.

Poppyseedjoy · 09/05/2021 20:24

Very well done, I wish I was like you. I have also coped with the easiest way for too long, I also dread the weekends and I also had a massive fight before breakfast this morning. To add my husband is also a workaholic, but has also other issues. We also do have 2 young kids. Today he said again he is divorcing me but he won't leave the house and said I will lose the kids. Which make no sense. But I wish he would leave the house. Living together is such a burden for me. Anyway very well done, makes no sense to be with someone toxic

naomi81 · 09/05/2021 20:39

Good on you! I am child from a war zone
And I could never understand why my parents didn't split up until I was 36 🙄 I have promised myself I would never bring up
My children in that environment Xx

Mumkins42 · 09/05/2021 20:48

Gingerbread is a really good online charity with support forums and local groups. Might be worth looking at down the road.
Good for you for bring so courageous. You will get through this. I've been a single parent for many years. It's tough but being in a relationship like that is far worse. Maybe stall telling kids for a few days. Let the dust settle, say he has gone away a few nights with work and leave telling them for sure when you know for sure this is it and he isn't going to come begging back. x

Original poster
Boymum99 · 09/05/2021 22:09

Thanks everyone. I ended up telling my children. My youngest was breaking his heart. He keeps asking me if he will come back in 10 days as that’s his birthday. I feel devastated for him but I can’t live my life in misery any longer.
It is weird as I feel so lonely but the reality is I spent every night on my own anyway. To avoid arguing I used to go to bed and watch my iPad straight after dinner. Crazy I know but that was my life.

Thanks for sharing your stories. It is nice to know I am not alone.

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 09/05/2021 23:06

Sending hugs. You’re very brave and I wish you all the luck with your new life. Your children will adjust xx

Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 09/05/2021 23:28

I wish my mum and dad had separated because the fighting inside the home was too much.
You did the right thing.

Countrycode · 09/05/2021 23:54

So brave OP well done. I'm another who's been taking the "easy" route for far too long so am inspired by your bravery at biting the bullet. You've done the right thing Flowers

loveyourself2020 · 16/05/2021 00:37

@Boymum99
Hello OP. How are you doing? Let us know.

Original poster
Boymum99 · 16/05/2021 08:06

@loveyourself2020 Thanks for asking. I have been an emotional wreck this week but we have survived it. My ex called last night begging to give it another try. He asked if we could go for marriage guidance. I really don’t know what to do as I just can’t see it working and think we would be wasting our time. The only benefit I can see is that counselling might help us work together to parent our children as single parents. I was clear that if we did counselling we would be doing it living apart.
I am worried that by saying yes I am giving him false hope. I have been so unhappy for so long I can’t see anyway back he however is not a bad person so is the right thing to try counselling while living separately.

OP posts:
GelfBride · 16/05/2021 08:16

DO NOT GO TO COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN - EVER!

You're done. Time for him to ask this was years ago. The reality of having to shift for himself has dawned and that is all.

WitchWand · 16/05/2021 08:18

In answer to your question about counselling, I have another question. Is he abusive in any way ? If he is, I wouldn't bother with counselling. If not, then I think counselling could help.

SortingItOut · 16/05/2021 08:20

When I split from my husband he begged and pleaded for me to take him back and try counselling but I refused as I was done.
I'd put up with crap for 17 years, we'd tried marriage counselling 10 years before and it changed nothing.
I didn't actually even like him by the end so counselling would have achieved nothing (i stopped loving him 1 year into our marriage when he had his first emotional affair)

Personally I wouldn't be doing it as he thinks you will give him another chance.

If you really think you both need counselling to talk about co-parenting then make that clear to him from the start.

Ginmonkey84 · 16/05/2021 08:31

You’ve spent your evenings in your bedroom to avoid confrontation with him!? No, I think the counselling ship has sailed a long time ago. If he truly wanted to make amends he wouldn't have allowed it to get as far as it did. He certainly wouldn’t leave you sitting in your bedroom every night if he cared!

Now you’ve found your strength and he is trying to reel you back in. It will never change, don’t let him manipulate you. Keep hold of that strength and push forward putting your needs first. It’s hard but it’s what you and your children deserve x

Original poster
Boymum99 · 16/05/2021 08:37

Thanks ladies. He is not abusive and is a loving dad however I think I stopped loving him years ago due to all the arguing. I think you are right and it would be cruel to go for counselling as it may give him false hope. We are so completely different and being honest I now think we should never have been together.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 16/05/2021 08:41

Have a read of your old posts on here to remind yourself of what your marriage was like.

You suffered life changing injuries after an accident and while you were in hospital your mum looked after your children as he refused to tske time off, when you came out of hospital your sister looked after you because your husband wouldn't.

He was not a good husband and he is not a good dad - you said he worked 6 days a week so when did he see his kids?

How is contact with the children working at the moment?

Weedoogie · 16/05/2021 08:43

I think that counselling is a good idea - but not with the aim of getting back together. It would be a way for you both to be able to explain to each other why things have got to where they are, how you feel and, if you decide to stay apart, to agree how best to parent your children as separated parents.

DoingItMyself · 16/05/2021 08:55

OP, you have the right attitude. Counselling only to work out how best to co-parent.
Not to look into where your relationship went wrong.
Not to encourage you to accept his point of view.
Not to live together when you are so clearly done with this.

GreenWasabi · 16/05/2021 09:06

Don't worry that if you agree to counselling you are effectively agreeing to continue with the marriage, a good counsellor will help him accept it's over and you may find it easier to voice what you want. Don't feel pressured to try it though, you have been brave to end it so keep putting one foot in front of the other until you are through this horrible stage of becoming free again

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