Finally said enough is enough and asked my husband to leave

[Boymum99]

Hi ladies,

I have previously posted on here about my marriage issues however for months I carried on taking the easy option and staying with my husband. My marriage was completely toxic but out of fear of change and financial worry I stayed.

I dread every weekend as we never have one without a fight but this weekend was worse than ever with a huge argument last night then another fight started before I had even ate my breakfast. I finally had the courage to voice how I feel and asked him to leave. Thankfully he listened and packed his stuff and went.

I know it is the right thing however I am terrified. I have 2 young boys who adore their dad. They don’t know their dad has gone so I need to break the news to them tonight. They will be devastated but I don’t want my children growing up in a war zone.

I am so scared but I can’t carry on being unhappy, Anyway sorry for ranting but I just needed to share and break the power of it, I don’t have many friends as my husband was very judgemental on who I associated with and again I took the easy option and drifted away from people.

Thanks for reading.

I'm a big fan of counselling in the right circumstances and with clear boundaries. It does sound as though you are open keen to find a way to co-parent successfully and peacefully and it is possible counselling could help you both move towards that.

Good luck with the future OP. You've done the right thing. You'll have wobbles about it, he'll have wobbles about it (he already has) but keep moving forwards not backwards.

If it’s your decision to want out of the marriage why did you ask him to leave why didn’t you? Why did you decide that the kids should be with you and not him. The kids stay in the family home with the parent whose decision not to leave the marriage surely

Thanks ladies. I spoke to him this morning and was honest that I don’t want to give him false hope as I just can’t see counselling helping us resolve things although it might be good for single patenting support. He was very upset and has said that they are no point going then. I am glad I was honest as in my heart I know things are over. I am completely terrified on how I will manage but hopefully I will come out the other side. I have felt so lonely and scared this week but hopefully it will get easier.

@IEat

If it’s your decision to want out of the marriage why did you ask him to leave why didn’t you? Why did you decide that the kids should be with you and not him. The kids stay in the family home with the parent whose decision not to leave the marriage surely

That's a ridiculous point of view. So, for example, if a woman is being abused by her partner and she decides to leave, she has to leave the kids with the abusive partner?

The kids should stay with whoever will give them a stable, loving home in which to grow up; their needs should come first

Well done for letting him know.

Life outside of a marriage is tough sometimes, you are so newly out of your marriage and will still be grieving for your past, your present and the future you thought you would have.

What are you scared about?

Were you lonely because he had the children or because you felt you had no one to talk to?
I think you were also very lonely in your marriage so working on these feelings will help.

Do you have any hobbies?
What about friends?

Expect to have a wobble yourself over the next few days/weeks - don't panic when you do, as PP said, look back over your previous posts and take time to remember how bad it was, it is important not to look back with rose coloured spectacles, good luck OP, it will all get better.

Thanks everyone for your support.
@SortingItOut- I don’t have a clue why I feel so lonely as l spent so much time on my own anyway. I think it is the reality that my marriage is over. My life has been very tough the last 18 months and I have not been able to do all the hobbies I previously loved and kept me sane. I was a marathon runner but was knocked down by a reckless driver and spent months in a wheel chair and only just started walking in January. I had severe fractures and been told I won’t be able to run again. All my friends were ladies I met through sport and although they keep in touch we used to meet up 3 times a week before compared to once or twice a month now.

the kids will soon get over it, and he can co-parent like millions of other Dads do. You don't need relationship counselling -- the relationship is over.

OP I think you're an absolute star, the way you were clear with him about what counselling would and wouldn't be about is a great example of clear boundaries. Your kids are very lucky to have such a strong mum 💪 although I'm sure you might not feel that way right now. You'll definitely get through this and come out the other side aa happier and more fulfilled person. One day at a time. You rock!

@Boymum99
So glad that I reached out to you. This has been a very nice update. I was just going to tell you, do not do couples counseling it will not change anything and I knew that he would not do it unless he saw something in it for him. He will not do it just for the kids. I know this kind very well. And sure enough, by the time I reached your last post it was confirmed to me.

You see my therapist told me something very interesting. She said, it is usually women who fight for the relationship the hardest, asking questions, talking, reaching out, seeking therapy, encouraging. Couples therapy has great chance for as long as a woman is still hopeful. But when women is done, when she come to realization that she does not want to stay in the marriage no therapy can help heal the marriage.

You are smart, strong, amazing women. I know this is a very hard time, I am in fact in the same situation. Recently separated but still living under the same roof. Have not told the kids yet. It is very painful, frustrating, guilt and anxiety are killing me. My stbx is not pleading or begging or promising anything. He simply is sulking, not talking to me. OMG he is suffocating me. But we shall prevail OP we will. Keep posting.

Thanks everyone for all your kind words and support. Today is the best I have felt all week and I am so glad I said no to counselling. My boys also seem to be adapting well and it is so nice not living in a war zone.

OP,

So glad you did not allow him to hoover you back in.
He was an awful husband, especially since your accident.

Years up in your room tell the story of a marriage long over.

How lovely to be in your peaceful home.
Enjoy.

My ex has called me countless times tonight crying. I feel so guilty and worried he will do something silly.

That's hard for you. And him.

I'm sure you know that his distress should not trump your feelings of relief that it is over. His feelings are for him to resolve.

Stay strong OP.. and remind yourself of the reasons why you needed to do this.. write it all dow if need be..

You have come through so so much lady, you should be very proud of yourself 🌸💕

Well done OP, stay true to yourself and your DC and you will get through this.
I've also bitten the bullit this week and given my good for nothing DP his marching orders. MN is an amazing network and brings out the true warrior spirit in us women. I'm forever grateful for the support I've found here and only wish I'd found it years ago. 💐

My ex has called me countless times tonight crying. I feel so guilty and worried he will do something silly.

Stop answering these calls, trust me. All you are doing is fueling the fire. You need to go grey rock and keep him at as far a distance as possible. No more discussion about getting back together.

@Boymum99

My ex has called me countless times tonight crying. I feel so guilty and worried he will do something silly.

He is crying for himself, not you OP.

He doesn't give a damn about you .

You have spent your evenings in your room after dinner to get away from him and now he's crying?

His tears are about himself.

Any threats to hurt himself ring the police to do a welfare check.

That will sort him out..

You are very brave to say enough is enough.

He doesn't want you brave, he wants you up in your room hiding from him.

Your marriage is over.

@Boymum99

My ex has called me countless times tonight crying. I feel so guilty and worried he will do something silly.

I agree you need to stop answering the calls.

If he is telling the truth he needs professional support eg the counselling he refused to go to. I’m sure he has friends and family to help him too.

And if he’s lying it’s just another way of him seeking to control you.

You have enough on your plate as a single mum to two young children and recovering from such a terrible injury. You don’t have the space to be an unpaid therapist to your ex. You owe him nothing after how he treated you.

@Boymum99

My ex has called me countless times tonight crying. I feel so guilty and worried he will do something silly.

My ex husband did the same, the first time he overdosed I called an ambulance and went to his house.

The second time he threatened it I told him to ring the crisis team and the samaritans. He did not attempt it then.

By the third time I blocked his messsges and ignored him as I realised he wanted to reel me in to his drama and by going to his house it showed in his mind that I still loved and cared about him.

A month later he tried to hang himself but the material broke and when he came to he rung his mental health worker and they called 999.

I stayed with my husband for 17yrs as he threatened suicide and I knew I couldn't live with the guilt if he succeeded.

By the time we split I had reached the point where I realised if he did succeed it was not my fault and the decision had been his.

Do not get drawn in, its a classic tactic as you refused counselling so now he has to pull at your heart strings.
If you are that worried ring 999 and ask for a welfare check.
If he texts these threats either ignore or just repeat that he should see his GP/ring samaritans/ring 999/go to a&e.
Do not discuss the reasons or your marriage- otherwise you are getting drawn in.

Also let his family know what he is threatening, he is there responsibility.

@Sunsetboater

Well done OP, stay true to yourself and your DC and you will get through this. I've also bitten the bullit this week and given my good for nothing DP his marching orders. MN is an amazing network and brings out the true warrior spirit in us women. I'm forever grateful for the support I've found here and only wish I'd found it years ago. 💐

@Sunsetboater Good for you. You made the first and the hardest step. Now just onwards ad upwards, one step at the time.

We have not told our kids yet and it is eating me up. I hate lying to them, but my STBX is hesitating. Perhaps he is hoping that I will forget about all this "nonsense" and go back to being his little toy to play with. In the meantime he is literally not talking to me at all. A few things we discussed we did it over email. I feel like my lips are sealed. This is killing me and he knows it. Silent treatment is what he was punishing me with for decades.

@boymum99
I just wanted to encourage you, you are well shut of him, even though your boys will miss him. I note you said in your original post that he was quite judgemental about the people you associate with. I've been there, having to drop a family friend as my ex complained so much during her phone calls. Chances are your ex would have been like that with your boys too. A previous poster mentioned Gingerbread for single parents, they can help with practical advice. Best wishes.

Op it’s awful but do not get hooverd back in he is attempting to manipulate you and make you feel guilty to take him back, if he threatens to hurt himself tell him you are sorry he’s struggling and you will contact the police . Switch your phone off

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your kind words and support. I hardly slept last night with worry. He is in a hotel alone so no wonder he is depressed. It is however his choice as he has friends and family that he could stay with.
I so love this group and the support we get. Thanks ladies.