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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

still confused please help

75 replies

MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:08

i feel like i am going crazy. i need a reality check. please can anyone tell me if:

no physical intimacy in a marriage for 10 years (i was 35 when this started) is normal and fine?

is this enough by itself to leave for? am i being unreasonable? slutty? i know that if i do there is no guarantee i would ever find anyone who could bear to touch me either but i won’t have to live with them.

is this enough? i honestly can’t tell anymore. is it worth breaking up a family over or should i just concentrate on being a good mother and get (even more) hobbies.

please do not tell me to try and fix or restart intimacy, my husband is not interested. i just want to know if this is normal and acceptable and if i left would i be a horrible person.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2021 02:19

Your marriage is over and you're miserable, and a happy mom is what you're children need. I can't imagine the atmosphere is very nice in your home, and that's a terrible environment for kids.

You are 100% not a horrible person, and you don't need permission from anyone to get out of a unhappy marriage.

AlCalavicci · 09/05/2021 02:25

Everybody idea of a normal sex life is different . some are a once a day ( or more ) type others once a week others less often .
But it is more about what you are happy with and you certainly dont sound happy with the arrangement you have .
( and I am not surprised ! )

You say that he wont be intermit , is that just sex or is there nothing at all ?
MY DH did not have a big sex drive but we held hands , cuddled and kissed often and I was ( reasonably ) happy with that .
Would I be a horrible person to leave him ?? No , if there is no spark left in the marriage there is little point in staying together .
am I a slut What for wanting sex more than once every 10 years ? absolutely not

DramaAlpaca · 09/05/2021 02:30

No intimacy is only OK if both of you are on the same page about it.

If not, and it's clear that you aren't happy, it's a valid enough reason to move on.

Wanting to end your relationship for this reason doesn't make you a bad person.

You deserve to be happy. Keep telling yourself that Flowers

TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 02:33

Though it isn't most peoples experience of marriage and sex. Plenty of couples are don't have sex. Over the years I have known similar marriages to yours.

The thing is that can work perfectly well if both people feel the same about it. In your case you sound unsure.

If you are not happy with this arrangement then yes you should think about leaving. That definitely doesn't make you a bad person.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:34

no hugging, no kissing, no touch of any kind

i miss being touched by another person

OP posts:
TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 02:36

Is it sex you want or just human contact?

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:37

it’s such a minor thing to destroy a life over, to wreck my children’s childhood over though?

i know sex and any sort of physical relationship is not the be all and end all, and is not meant to be a deal breaker

this is why i feel like garbage. i feel like i am going crazy, i cry a lot and i wonder why can’t i just get used to it and get over it?

i am not disgusting physically, have good hygiene, am not evil, other men have expressed interest (i have done nothing) over the years so in theory i am not repulsive?? but i am??

it’s destroying me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:39

i want both and i am ashamed by this.

it even sounds horrible to say - i want to be touched by someone who desires me. i can’t tell if this is normal anymore

this sounds like i am making it up and i wish i were. from the outside we are a great couple and i am ticking off the days til i am dead.

OP posts:
TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 02:40

I know you say he doesn't want sex but have you both spoken about this or left it as an unspoken?

cherry2727 · 09/05/2021 02:41

Aww sorry to hear that you're feeling like this op . What reasons has he given for the lack of affection and intimacy?

FetchezLaVache · 09/05/2021 02:43

So you're 45 and would like a bit of action? Even just the odd cuddle? And you're worried this makes you, somehow, immoral?

Please consider leaving your relationship, you are clearly unhappy, things are clearly never going to change and you really mustn't waste any more of your precious time on earth feeling like this.

TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 02:43

@MadgeMidgerson

i want both and i am ashamed by this.

it even sounds horrible to say - i want to be touched by someone who desires me. i can’t tell if this is normal anymore

this sounds like i am making it up and i wish i were. from the outside we are a great couple and i am ticking off the days til i am dead.

It isn't horrible at all. Humans are born to want closeness with another person.

It is a difficult situation. Like you say you don't want to walk out for fear of wrecking an other wise good life.

The truth is though this is obviously making you very upset.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:48

it even sounds disgusting ‘you’re 45 and you want some action’ - i sound like some middle aged sex maniac from a carry on film

he has never said why. it stopped after my second child was born. i have told him i am unhappy and he said vaguely yeah we probably should try and get intimacy going again.

then nothing.

once i am through menopause i won’t want sex or human contact anymore, is that not the case? i have a cat and that is a kind of contact.

youve no idea how i despair.

i guess it is reassuring to hear there are other marriages like this? how do people reconcile themselves to this kind of life? how am i meant to? will antidepressants help? i just want to be numb

OP posts:
TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 02:55

It doesn't sound at all disgusting. You sound normal.

Afraid menopause won't necessarily help. Often goes the other way but I think that is particularly the fear of pregnancy gone.

Not sure you should reconcile yourself to this life unless you want too.

From what you have said he doesn't sound totally against the idea. He is just not making a move. I would suggest. Little by little you start raking back the physical contact. Reach out and hold his hand. Jokingly grab him for a cuddle. That sort of thing. Slowly build it up.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:56

it doesn’t work! i have tried this! he doesn’t want me in that way! we are roommates sharing children!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:58

i want to be able to give myself permission to say that having this part of life absent - though i know everyone says is no big deal and not the end of the world and the most insignificant part of a marriage - is a valid reason to go

OP posts:
TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 02:58

Have you thought about an open marriage? Would he be ok with that?

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:59

i am deliberately not mentioning any of the other things re: money and what he contributes because i want to know if this by itself is enough

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:00

he is not ok with that. i saw an old (male) friend for coffee twice in one week back in my hometown maybe five years ago and he angrily asked if i was having an affair

i was not

OP posts:
sylbunny · 09/05/2021 03:00

Why do you feel so ashamed? Is your husband telling you it's wrong to want intact or are you very religious?

It's not normal to feel so ashamed over your want for physical touch. The need for touch is very normal and crucial to our happiness. Have you spoken to your Husband in depth about this?

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:00

so basically i haven’t tried hard enough and should continue to do everything in my power to sustain this even if it kills me?

it is killing me!

OP posts:
TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 03:01

@MadgeMidgerson

i want to be able to give myself permission to say that having this part of life absent - though i know everyone says is no big deal and not the end of the world and the most insignificant part of a marriage - is a valid reason to go
It is definitely a valid reason if you truly ate at that point. I have been trying to work out if you definitely have exhausted all options.
sylbunny · 09/05/2021 03:02

That's not what I am saying at all? You sound incredibly unhappy and I don't know why you think it's not big deal of something to be ashamed of! If I was without sex never mind any other intimacy for even just a year I'd be looking at couples therapy and if that didn't work then divorce.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:03

i am not really religious. i have just completely lost my compass for what is normal.

if i had known that i would have all the kisses and embraces etc. that i would ever have in my life by 35...

OP posts:
TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 03:04

@MadgeMidgerson

so basically i haven’t tried hard enough and should continue to do everything in my power to sustain this even if it kills me?

it is killing me!

Well you have your answer there then. You can't take this anymore and need to get out of your marriage.

This doesn't make you any of the bad things you have said. It just makes you someone that needs to end their marriage