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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

still confused please help

75 replies

MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:08

i feel like i am going crazy. i need a reality check. please can anyone tell me if:

no physical intimacy in a marriage for 10 years (i was 35 when this started) is normal and fine?

is this enough by itself to leave for? am i being unreasonable? slutty? i know that if i do there is no guarantee i would ever find anyone who could bear to touch me either but i won’t have to live with them.

is this enough? i honestly can’t tell anymore. is it worth breaking up a family over or should i just concentrate on being a good mother and get (even more) hobbies.

please do not tell me to try and fix or restart intimacy, my husband is not interested. i just want to know if this is normal and acceptable and if i left would i be a horrible person.

OP posts:
aboutbloodytime123 · 09/05/2021 12:12

Hi Madge, living like that is not normal if it doesn't feel normal for you. Honestly that's the only validation you need.
Please try to reframe your thoughts, it is not you "breaking the up the family" it is a consequence of the circumstances you find yourself in.
He is right to not want intimacy, you are right to want it. It's a legitimate deal breaker. I hope you find what you're looking for 💐

RandomMess · 09/05/2021 12:43

No it's normal!!!

We may not have sex often anymore but we hold hands and snuggle up even if DH then potters off to the spare room so his snoring doesn't annoy the hell out of me.

If I need a hug he'll give me one and it isn't awkward!

We also know why we don't have much sex - houseful of teens, ill health for him, menopause for me.

Neither of us are particularly affectionate or tactile people but even we have need it and have it!

It's clear you are very very unhappy and suffering and it is absolutely enough of a reason to end it.

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:02

This reply has been deleted

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daisychain01 · 09/05/2021 16:23

@MadgeMidgerson

i have had counselling. they are adamant about not telling you what to do, or whether it is normal

‘plenty of people are happy in marriages like yours’ mine said - thanks, i felt a right freak before and now even worse! fantastic!

Again, to clarify, you need counselling to work on your own self esteem, because you're currently seeing this issue as your fault and something you need to fix.

You probably won't ever fix your husband, but you can do some work on yourself, so you can leave the relationship. Otherwise why would you want to stay with this unhappy frame of mind for the rest of your life.

Empower yourself with small steps at a time, until you feel strong enough to leave and live independently from someone who's battered your self worth over a long time.

JustAnotherOldMan · 09/05/2021 16:37

Nothing for 10 years, no that doesn’t sound normal

loveyourself2020 · 09/05/2021 20:22

Dear OP it is not about weather or not not having sex is a good enough reason for break up, it is about whether or not it is good enough reason for YOU. If you are not happy in your marriage that is a good enough reason to break your marriage. Weather the reason is lack of sex, intimacy, respect, presence of domestic violence etc.

One of the posters here on MN quoted this for me, which is what her therapist told her: "You don't need to justify why you want to leave - it's enough that you want to".

I am willing to bet, however, that there are other things going on that contribute to you feeling unhappy, but it is ok if you do not want to share.

Alcemeg · 09/05/2021 22:29

Hello @MadgeMidgerson. I thought you were going through with the divorce and had spoken to a lawyer?

If this is last-minute wobbles, please don't let your mind play tricks on you like this.

You can't be lonely for ever, really, you can't. That's not what being married is for.

Wannabefree2 · 09/05/2021 22:54

I’m a long time lurker but your post has resonated with me so much I felt I had to write. I am in a very similar situation to you. I’m 47, not had sex with my husband for 10 years. This began after my son was born, my husband won’t discuss it at all. I used to care, I used to wish he wanted me but as the years have passed by, I now feel that ship has sailed. We don’t kiss or cuddle or even touch each other. I feel a strong resentment that I have wasted the last 10 years.
You know op, it’s perfectly normal to want sex and affection and to feel wanted and cherished, I completely understand how you feel. For me, my marriage is over, and I am planning my exit ( not easy as a sahm with no access to funds) . I hope you can find the inner strength to leave him because you deserve so much more.

mswales · 09/05/2021 23:08

Frustrating that so many posters are focusing on the lack of sex when the OP has said there is zero affection at all. Of course that's not normal in a healthy marriage OP. Very few people would be happy in a marriage with zero affection. Needing touch doesn't make you a "slut"! And neither does needing sex! As for the PP who said your husband doesn't owe you a sexual relationship, that depends on what the mutual understanding was of the marriage they entered into. It's not OK at all to enter into a sexual marriage then stop the sex but demand your spouse stays monogamous. However the sex is kind of beside the point - it's the lack of affection and the husband making the OP feel like she is repulsive that is the awful issue. OP your children will be so much more damaged by seeing this kind of relationship modelled and having a desperately low self esteem unhappy mother than they will by you leaving. Please leave and learn to love yourself again X

spotcheck · 09/05/2021 23:14

@TruelyWonder

Have you thought about an open marriage? Would he be ok with that?
Why? " Marriage" isn't un-do able. It's not so binding that you have to stay in it.

i know that if i do there is no guarantee i would ever find anyone who could bear to touch me

But you won't know unless you are free. In your current situation, there is zero chance of intimacy

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 23:24

i have talked to a lawyer, i wobble about it every day though.

the contrast between the public face i wear (everything is fine!) and the private one (i don’t want to be alive anymore like this) is awful but it’s hard to take that first step.

it helps that his shift pattern means that he is gone from 1pm to 11 pm, it is awful when he is here

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/05/2021 07:35

You can't stay in a marriage that is making you that unhappy Thanks

Alcemeg · 10/05/2021 09:56

You're bound to wobble, Madge, but you're doing the right thing.

You are currently focusing on the lack of sex, but that's just an obvious symptom. There are many grim aspects of your experience, some of them far sadder, and some of which you might not even be aware of yet.

Every day that brings you one step closer to being out of that situation is bringing you one step closer to happiness. I promise you that life is better than feeling "I don't want to be alive anymore like this." Flowers

JustGiveMeGin · 10/05/2021 10:13

Hi OP, I mean this kindly but you sound quite sexually repressed yourself. Some of the language you use (and the offence you took to a previous poster saying you wanted some action) makes me wonder if you have made it perfectly clear to him how important this is to you?
I could be barking up the wrong tree completely but have you actually spelled it out to him in words as simple as ' if we don't start having an intimate relationship again then there will be divorce papers'?
I just can't get my head around a woman of only 45 in this day and age asking if it is slutty to want to leave a sexless marriage.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 10/05/2021 22:49

i told him just before he went to work. i started by saying things weren’t good, in fact bad, and they had been for a while, and that they weren’t going to get better or fixed, they would have already.

i said i wasn’t happy and he said he wasn’t and said he wanted to fix it, and i said i didn’t think it could be.

he said well what do you want to do, i said i think we should be separated.

he got angry and left for work saying it wouldn’t make things better for him, it would make it more shit, but it sounded like my mind was made up anyway.

i feel like garbage and i am worried about when he gets home tonight. he has never been violent but when i texted my lawyer she said watch out this is when you are most in danger

how can he want to carry on as we are when neither of us is happy?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 10/05/2021 22:50

we are not in a uk time zone, he gets home in another 5 and a half hours and my nerves are shot to hell

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 10/05/2021 23:00

I'm so sorry, Madge. It does prove though that you are right to leave.

What you said makes perfect sense and him getting angry about it is not fair. Some people are just bad losers!

If you are anxious about how things might go later on, is there somewhere you could go for the night?

I expect he just wants to make you feel as miserable as possible about your decision, which won't be hard as you are already beating yourself up!

Have Flowers Flowers Flowers for being so incredibly brave to have actually said it all out loud to him. That's the worst bit out of the way, although you might well have to repeat it more than once if he tries to wear you down.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 10/05/2021 23:07

Its not you its him OP. I am sex repulsed and hate cuddles even when I love someone. I have deep seated issues with childhood abuse. I live alone because obviously men don't go for that.
Its up to you whether you want to live with this or not. If not then don't feel bad about leaving. Your husband can't expect you to live like this.

Opentooffers · 10/05/2021 23:35

It sounds like there's other stuff that's making you miserable, however, no intimacy is absolutely a deal-breaker - it's odd that you consider it might not be and I'm thinking it will be your H encouraging you to try and think this way.
You've wasted 10years of your life with him so far, better crack on with your lawyer.
I'd be wondering and considering ending things after a couple of months without intimacy without good reason, can't imagine 10 years.
Yes it's fine for some, and might be someone's normal, but it's a minority opinion to not want intimacy in a relationship, so let's say you have the same needs as the majority, whereas he's in the minority.

Wallywobbles · 10/05/2021 23:50

I'm in my 50's. Been with 2nd DH for just over 7 years. Still lots of sex. It's normal. It's the glue in a marriage.

Ollinisca · 11/05/2021 02:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 11/05/2021 15:00

he left me alone and slept in a spare room last night. i am going to try to talk to him this morning about how things might go regarding separation. thank you all

OP posts:
Twinkie01 · 11/05/2021 15:10

Oh love, please know you're doing the right thing. Humans need to be touched, the loneliness without it is appalling. You're going to show your children what a good loving tactile relationship is if you go on to have one but you're not going to let them see what a relationship is like without intimacy, that's just as important as your wants and needs.

Needing a good shag, someone touching the back of your neck, holding hands or just kissing isn't shameful, it's completely normal in relationships.

I hope you go on to find someone who adores you. X

timeisnotaline · 11/05/2021 15:16

You know this is the right choice. He is choosing to not give to you what you need, and doesn’t seem to care. This is about more than just physical which is very important, it’s also about you being seen in this marriage. You’re not just furniture and you are free to decide this for yourself. Good luck! Here’s to some great sex this next decade!

MissSmiley · 11/05/2021 15:39

@MadgeMidgerson

i feel like if i never met anyone ever again i could deal with it - it is the living with someone who is meant to want you but doesn’t which is soul shredding

if i am alone at least i won’t have that in my face anymore

This is why I left, we did actually still have good sex but he completely ignored me in favour of his work, I felt really lonely. Best thing I did, we're friends now, I'm dating, kids live with me but see him loads, but when I'm on my own in the evening watching tv I don't feel lonely anymore I just enjoy the time to myself. And I'm older than you and there are plenty of men who want to date me. Leave and be happy
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