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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

still confused please help

75 replies

MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 02:08

i feel like i am going crazy. i need a reality check. please can anyone tell me if:

no physical intimacy in a marriage for 10 years (i was 35 when this started) is normal and fine?

is this enough by itself to leave for? am i being unreasonable? slutty? i know that if i do there is no guarantee i would ever find anyone who could bear to touch me either but i won’t have to live with them.

is this enough? i honestly can’t tell anymore. is it worth breaking up a family over or should i just concentrate on being a good mother and get (even more) hobbies.

please do not tell me to try and fix or restart intimacy, my husband is not interested. i just want to know if this is normal and acceptable and if i left would i be a horrible person.

OP posts:
cherry2727 · 09/05/2021 03:04

Op when you speak to your husband about this what does he say??!

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:05

i feel ashamed. when i have tried to talk to him he says we are great together. great how? it’s unbearable and i am not going to do anything drastic i have my children to think of but i wake up ever morning and am disappointed that i have another day to live through.

i have been reading a thread about a man who doesn’t want intimacy with his wife anymore and he got absolutely roasted, i was worried i would be called a slag or disgusting for my situation and the fact that o am unable to either fix or reconcile myself to it

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:07

i feel like if i never met anyone ever again i could deal with it - it is the living with someone who is meant to want you but doesn’t which is soul shredding

if i am alone at least i won’t have that in my face anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:08

so just to check: it is normal to want to be held by another human, to want to be kissed and touched and i am not some weirdo freak

OP posts:
TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 03:09

I get that it must feel like constant reminder of rejection

I feel for you OP I really do

TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 03:10

No your not a weirdo freakGrin

cherry2727 · 09/05/2021 03:10

Why do you need to live with this unhappiness if it means soo much to you? Isn't there a couple sex therapy class you could enrol the both of you in? If you value other attributes about him can you try some form of sex therapy?
If that doesn't work then I'd look into separating if I were you. You'd be surprised how much more at peace you'd be knowing that you didn't stay in an unhappy marriage.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:10

ok but am i normal to want this? please be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:11

he doesn’t want any therapy, he doesn’t need it he says. as i say i am not mentioning any of the other stuff because it is minor but my hid the accumulation of all of it

OP posts:
cherry2727 · 09/05/2021 03:12

You are very normal! I love affection ! My dh Isn't naturally affectionate but he tries at times . When he's failing or left a gap I'd nudge him or have a rant ! Affection is very important to me but I appreciate that we are not all the same

TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 03:12

Completely normal my lovely

Totally pigging human too

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:13

am i crazy that this matters? i just read a post that said ‘if it means soooo much to you’

does it not matter to anyone else? 10 years! nothing! nothing at all! nothing!

not nothing as in oh only once a month, or well every two months - nothing, nothing, nothing at all!

how many times have i slept with posters on this thread - the same number of times i have had sex with my husband in ten years - nothing!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:14

thank you to those who said it is normal. i cannot believe i will destroy my children’s happiness fir my selfishness but how can i go on? my god i wish i were numb or dead

OP posts:
cherry2727 · 09/05/2021 03:16

I am crying on the inside for you op! That's a long time with no affection. Affection makes me feel love and wanted . It's an way of the person expressing their love to me! It makes me feel that this person is thinking of me. It speaks many things . I couldn't do 10 years ! Omg that's just tough!!!

Monty27 · 09/05/2021 03:16

You can't do this to yourself OP. You're young.
Handle it well with DP and get your life back. You're DC's will understand that sometimes things don't stay the same between adults but ultimately they will always be loved just the same.
Love yourself is a good starting point.
I wish you and your family happiness 💐

TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 03:17

I think you need to not read other posts on this thread for a start. They are obviously upsetting you. Though I can understand why you looked.

Like I said before I have known people in sexless marriages. Yours is obviously against your will though. Which is not a nice place to be.

TruelyWonder · 09/05/2021 03:19

Sorry not thread I meant the relationship board

daisychain01 · 09/05/2021 03:27

You need real life help OP.

Can you try getting some counselling via your doctor? Not relationship counselling, as it seems this situation is way past that. You need to work on your self-esteem so you can see that you deserve what you need in life, a meaningful relationship. If your needs are not being met through your marriage, you should leave, because life is too short to stay with someone who makes you this unhappy. Your children will benefit from a happier mum, not someone feeling so negative.

Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:27

how am i meant to make it be my will though? i have tried!

every once in a while a man fancies me (i do not encourage and i block and avoid and delete) and i remember how it was, once, when i was younger

OP posts:
Original poster
MadgeMidgerson · 09/05/2021 03:28

i have had counselling. they are adamant about not telling you what to do, or whether it is normal

‘plenty of people are happy in marriages like yours’ mine said - thanks, i felt a right freak before and now even worse! fantastic!

OP posts:
crystalize · 09/05/2021 03:38

You can leave a marriage for any reason you like. This is no way to live with no intimacy, you would be way happier on your own, then you are open to meeting/dating another partner.

Children are more resilient than you think, just be honest with them. If you're traumatized by it they will pick up on this and act that way too. Maybe get some counselling for yourself to get you in a stronger emotional position to take action.

crystalize · 09/05/2021 03:41

You seem to be seeking others permission to leave. I doubt plenty of people your age are happy living like this, sorry OP thats bull.

HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 03:47

That feeling of rejection must be really awful. I would start to plan for a life without him. And then once you've separated I'd give your friend a call, if he's single!

BigDecisionsLittleTime · 09/05/2021 08:50

You don't need permission to leave. You are deeply sad and lonely, and that is enough.

If you want confirmation, neither me or my DH could live without physical touch either. I think your DH is the unusual one.

The children will be OK, modelling a marriage without affection is not healthy for them.

As PP said, start to plan for a life without him. You only get one shot at life. Like you say better to be alone and lonely than in a marriage and lonely. But TBH OP you sound like you have a lot of love to give so I suspect your future without him will be full and happy.

BTW, a couple of coffees with a friend and he accuses you of an affair?! I hope you told him to fuck off. Sounds like it's a case of he doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. Don't play to his narrative, cut him loose and move on.

FetchezLaVache · 09/05/2021 12:08

Oh lovely, I really didn't mean for you to find my "45 and want some action" comment disgusting! If it helps, I'm 47 and I enjoy a bit of action too. We're not Carry On clichés, we're normal, attractive, sensual woman in our prime with so much to give.

You sound so desperately unhappy, but if your DH is perfectly happy with the situation then there's no incentive for him to change. He doesn't owe you a sexual relationship, but he does owe you honesty, and if this is the way it's going to be then you need to consider your options.

You are not in any way the bad person in this. You could have taken your pleasure elsewhere, but you haven't because that goes against your moral compass and you should give yourself credit for that. Your husband needs to treat you with equal decency, even if that means splitting up.