Migration of adult children away from home town

[Circle3]

This seems to have been happening for years but is it time to question the benefits of moving away from your hometown.
I moved away from my hometown in NW England after my degree. I've lived away from 'home' for longer than I haven't. I'm 4 hours away, having drifted further south due to better jobs opportunities. I now live in a house that I would never have dreamt of being able to afford, although in reality it's not that special. Traffic is crazy, 'countryside' round leaves me cold. Im not sure what my long term plan ever was but I do feel stuck. I resent living in an affluent snobby part of the country at times, I hate the competition. In the meantime, the North-South divide has got worse (I realise I'm part of the problem) and my hometown has been in economic decline, now full of discount stores. Parents talked of moving nearer to us, but in reality I don't think they ever will. And of course, even though they are managing well I hate not being on hand to support them. They have always worked really hard to make their home and garden really beautiful (without spending ££).

I feel totally disconnected now. I constantly compare the life I give to my children to the life I had. We had family members popping in from down the road fairly often, lots of friends of the family round and just felt connected. We had lots of reasons to take pride and keep a tidy house. Now it's just rushing round to take the kids to activities, rushed lunches and in reality, a life that's pretty empty. But we've created financial stability for the kids and given them opportunities. I try to imagine how things will be when they turn 18? Will we see them more because we are in the SE? I worry about everything but seem to have compromised too much.

Anyone else recognise this? I do wonder if this is just modern life that I need to get used to. I did live in quite an idyll, but that was the past. Have I thrown away all that's good for purely selfish reasons? I feel like this is such a normal thing for people to do now, and it's very destructive to families and communities. I try to imagine what things would be like if I'd have stayed, it may not have been all that easy either.

One of my great hopes for positives of covid (there has to be some) is that the UK will become less south east centric. I grew up there and I recognise everything you say about competition and people not being nice foreach other. I now live in the midlands in a small town and it's a lovely community where I'm mostly happy, but I wish I was closer to my family.

No - they wouldn't have necessarily been easier. You would presently be living in that town that is now full of discount stores, wouldn't you? One where employment is pretty high (I presume) and where people look depressed and the rate of homelessness and substance abuse is higher (can't tell though without knowing the town). Would you be working in the same field or job with the pay you're on, I wonder?

I hate not being on hand to support them - maybe that would grow old (excuse the pun) really quickly, sooner that you might think.

You could move back when you retire. Why are your kids diaries so jammed packed with activities that you are constantly rushing around? Why can't you take pride in your house as it is in your current neighbourhood? You could give your front door a snazy lick of paint, maybe put out 2 lavender pots to frame a gate or something else? A sweet pea frame? If you live in the south, there's a higher chance of some lovely plants thriving and surviving the winter (I speak from experience). You can get some really low maintenance stuff that looks great.

Growing up I hated the area I grew up, no work or prospects, local economy based on summer season couldn’t wait to leave.
When I go back it’s sad & rundown and plagued by high levels of drug use and adult unemployment, would never go back

Sorry, but no, I can't empathise with this at all. I would have had so many fewer opportunities if I stayed where I happened to have been born. My siblings and I have all moved away, but we're still family and we see each other. I feel connected where we are because we've made connections, and don't see at all why you can't keep a tidy house if you want to. I don't think this has anything much to do with the SE.

I hope my DC will go wherever they want and need to as adults, and will be open to opportunity.

We live in the north, an ex mining town. I'd say it's the polar opposite to the south - I grew up South west, and we lived in London for nearly 20 years. We now live somewhere where the kids go to the same school their parents went to; grandparents are on hand to do childcare. You still get running round after activities etc but there's very little by way of aspiration to explore the world.

So I don't think it's a good thing. It's very insular, the kids in my son's class have no idea of all the possibilities and opportunities outside our little town. Obviously a balance is good but don't feel so bad about giving your kids extra opportunity while they're young. They can decide where to live when they're older too

@coronafiona me too!! The North South divide has got significantly worse in the last 10 years. The town I'm from has beautiful buildings, just out hanging in there waiting for some love. Ooh, I wonder where you live...sounds nice. Husband always says the north is too north, south is too south, but the Midlands are just right.

@EarthSight You're right, I would have watched many of my friends move away and would have been annoyed with myself for not being brave and seeing the world a little.
I guess we've filled the kids' lives with activities to replace the emptiness of not having family here. Plus it seems to be the done thing round here, you just get swept along. But we could cut back. Good ideas for the garden, I love gardening and do take some pride. But when we don't have many visitors coming round, it all just seems a bit pointless. I think this is also due to depression and lockdown living.

I think you’re taking a bit of an idealised view of living in your h9metown, probably because you’re unhappy with where you currently live or the lifestyle you are currently living.

I was brought up in a village in the SE. So far, so idyllic. But everyone knew me and my family and attitudes were traditional. I needed to leave to experiment with who I was going to be without being watched by people who had known me all my life, and to meet a more diverse range of people and experiences.

That happened to be in the NW, but that was just because that’s where the opportunity occurred: it could have been anywhere that wasn’t my home town.

Having had my eyes opened, I would never go back to the village where I was brought up, but I have moved about a fair bit and am now settled in a place that I have chosen and where I am happy.

I have to say I don't agree - one of the reasons I left where I was is that I couldn't face the same brain dead conversation down the same pub for the rest of my youth and also I wanted more than marriage and kids. Everyone who stayed had children early. They all have late teens kids now, where as mine at 3 and 6 months. I moved to London as that's where my chosen career path is primarily based and I got to a point I was proud of before kids and hope to build on that more flexibility now.
However my parents did move nearer us (they move a lot, we're living overseas while I was a student) so they have been around to help and involved with the children's lives.
I know what you mean about tons of activities etc but i have resisted it and haven't sent my eldest to anything but nursery. Weekend is for family time.
What's your neighbourhood like? We have nice local friends and try to get involved in events near us. We are in zone 4.

I also would say that the adult friendships I've made were more than worth anything I've lost by leaving. However I didn't grow up living near extended family so not a major change for me

Yes, it is pretty insular in my hometown. My parents never held me back and encouraged me to do whatever I wanted. But I just feel terrible that it's resulted in this...families split up across the country, a sense of isolation and guilt. It's almost like getting an education is supporting this mass migration, and deprivation of our hometowns. I'll keep working at building connections here, but it's hard...I don't think it's just me.

What does your DH think, OP?

I moved away from my home town for a better lifestyle. Never regretted it. My hometown is London. Much prefer life in a small market town. Anyone from the North who wants my place in London is welcome to it.

I don’t think it’s young people moving away that causes the deprivation. I think it’s the deprivation that causes the young people to move away.

But anyway, I don’t think you’re happy where you are. Have you looked for job opportunities nearer to your family (not necessarily in your actual hometown)?

I did have a particularly idyllic childhood....huge garden, huge house. I would spend hours in the garden. And access to really beautiful countryside. Plus slower pace of life in the 80s. I've tried to realise that I could never really match any of that, and just to be grateful for it. It sounds ridiculous but I just can't get over it somehow.

I totally understand you but that was a certain time and place— if you went back certain family members and old friends wouldn’t be around— you might think certain aspects were a bit depressing, i look at election stuff from Hartlepool and think— bloody hell looks awfully depressing - but people there, like you say , have family and old friends on tap— and whilst that matters I guess being honest I still wouldn’t want to live there . I think the best thing is to find a place you like no try and make a nice scenecwith new friends etc .

I live in a city within 20miles of the town I grew up in. I’ve benefited from family nearby to support with childcare and feeling connected to my local area but I’m pleased I don’t live in the same town; sometimes a small distance can give a lot more opportunity. I’ve had the same career opportunities, perhaps more so due to family support, and I earn very well.

I think that some of us have an urge to spread our wings far away from our original “home”, some move for pragmatic reasons, some stay nearby because there is no big push to move, some stay because they don’t have or can’t see the opportunity that moving would give them, some would never move away.

Pros and cons to everything.

I know what you mean. Just focus on little things and ask yourself 'What small thing or project can I do that would just uplift me a little when I come home, regardless of anyone else'? Invest in some essential oils to create a nice smell when you walk in. Buy some Organic Bergamot oil from Tisserand, damp a piece of kitchen towel with some water a few drops of the oil, and put it somewhere warm - on the radiator, by a south facing window or close to a log burner maybe. It's a zesty, juicy smell. A bit lime and orange combined.

There are definitely opportunities to move away, no need to be stuck inside the M25 post Covid/ remote working now. But kids are fairly settled, and secondary school is looming. It all feels too daunting. I wouldn't know where to start, and where to move to. I wouldn't really want to move directly to hometown but nearer might help.

DH understands all this and feels the same to some extent. But he's an optimist and I'm a pessimist (can you guess?!!). Wouldn't it be selfish to drag the children across the country when they are happy. Perhaps we need to take a deep breath, stop being miserable (me, not him!!) and stick around for another 10 years.

Like you say OP, the north-south divide has got worse. Which means, unless they become very rich, your children will likely have to move back to your hometown or somewhere near it. The housing crisis in the south, particularly London, will see to that. You're right to be concerned about the issues though. The level of homelessness in London is shocking. I mean, two thirds of all the families in the UK in temporary accommodation are in London. The situation in London and the wider south east is dire.

Kind of. I grew up in a village in the SE but because it was within commuting distance of London it was a dormitory village really. There was some community but it was a bit artificial. My mother had family nearby and we grew up visiting cousins a lot. We all scattered to some extent and it does get difficult as parents get frailer.

I have found a community I love now - still in the southeast but more of its own place with some civic pride and that helps. I do sometimes envy those who've stayed within easy reach of their parents, my mother's needs are an endless worry now that just wouldn't be the case if I were living near her (she moved to be nearer me but was too old to make the change and hates it).

But I have to say, would I have missed out on the opportunities and expanded horizons moving around gave me? Never. And my family has a lot of colonial crap in the past so in fact was always much more scattered before.

On the plus side for your family, your children, unlike those with London roots, although possibly wanting to stay where they grew up, won't face the hostility they would if they weren't from local heritage.

@FaceyRomford I'm definitely not a London person, or a city person for that matter. Market towns are great! I lived in one on my migration further South and it was pretty nice.
@Ihatesalad good advice, thanks

I couldn't wait to leave my hometown and still don't like it. But once you have kids the urge for family connections is stronger, and as I get older I feel more disconnected from where I live now. I've always felt a tension between living in hometown with all those resonances and connections vs wanting a bit of anonymity but a bit lonely.

@Tealightsandd I hadn't really thought fully about children not being able to afford where we are now. I guess that's more of a reason to move away eventually. Any accent I had from the NW has disappeared, so I think we might be considered bloody Southerners (fair enough, I suppose!)

@NecklessMumster You've hit the nail on the head with your observations.
I used to love moving around before kids. I seemed to make a big change in my life (new job etc) and move every 5 or 6 years. I loved the option of moving on if I wanted to. But now with kids, I realise I have to grow up a bit.