Migration of adult children away from home town

[Circle3]

This seems to have been happening for years but is it time to question the benefits of moving away from your hometown.
I moved away from my hometown in NW England after my degree. I've lived away from 'home' for longer than I haven't. I'm 4 hours away, having drifted further south due to better jobs opportunities. I now live in a house that I would never have dreamt of being able to afford, although in reality it's not that special. Traffic is crazy, 'countryside' round leaves me cold. Im not sure what my long term plan ever was but I do feel stuck. I resent living in an affluent snobby part of the country at times, I hate the competition. In the meantime, the North-South divide has got worse (I realise I'm part of the problem) and my hometown has been in economic decline, now full of discount stores. Parents talked of moving nearer to us, but in reality I don't think they ever will. And of course, even though they are managing well I hate not being on hand to support them. They have always worked really hard to make their home and garden really beautiful (without spending ££).

I feel totally disconnected now. I constantly compare the life I give to my children to the life I had. We had family members popping in from down the road fairly often, lots of friends of the family round and just felt connected. We had lots of reasons to take pride and keep a tidy house. Now it's just rushing round to take the kids to activities, rushed lunches and in reality, a life that's pretty empty. But we've created financial stability for the kids and given them opportunities. I try to imagine how things will be when they turn 18? Will we see them more because we are in the SE? I worry about everything but seem to have compromised too much.

Anyone else recognise this? I do wonder if this is just modern life that I need to get used to. I did live in quite an idyll, but that was the past. Have I thrown away all that's good for purely selfish reasons? I feel like this is such a normal thing for people to do now, and it's very destructive to families and communities. I try to imagine what things would be like if I'd have stayed, it may not have been all that easy either.

I personally feel that for some people it’s better to have a modest house in somewhere that you really enjoy than a much bigger house in an area that has a lot less to offer. Tons of space doesn’t necessarily make you happier if there is nothing to do but garden unless you love isolation and gardening —

@Rejoiningperson So true how things can quickly change once everyone's got past the 'niceties'. You can feel really settled and think everyone's so welcoming, then it quickly turn to sh**. That even happened where we are. We live in a super competitive area ( q snobby part of Surrey) where house prices are sky high, but there are big pockets of original residents (where my kids go to school) which I liked to begin with, but it's been hard to fit in.
@mathanxiety Good idea about university towns. One of our kids is about to start secondary so timing is not ideal. I know a move is possible if we really wanted to make it happen, but it's a big effort. Any days out we go on, kids say "How far away is it? Why are we here? We are NOT living here!!" So much resistance, we just give up but I understand their POV.

I sort of feel conflicted. I've always lived within a 3 mile radius of the hospital I was born in. I now live in the next street to my grandmother, in the Midlands. My mother and I have never lived outside our city, my father and grandparents moved here nearly 70 years ago. I would love to move away but have never had the opportunity really - I met DH at 20, had DS almost straight away and then he was in school and we were settled.

However, I work in London, I have a fulfilling professional job in which I'm fairly senior, so I don't feel I've missed out on a career or family life. I would never be able to afford my lifestyle living down South. My parents would have been very encouraging of me moving away if I had wanted to, but by giving up my place at uni (long story) I never left and now feel a bit trapped, like you do, but for a different reason. I paid £40k for my house in 2000 and that would be just a deposit these days.

I think in reality, we all look at the opposite to what we have and sometimes think it is better, but you are thinking of it from your current baseline of feeling settled and comfortable - going right back to basics and starting again would challenge that.

OP,
If you have some depression, gardening is the most relaxing way to get away from stressful thoughts.

Invest in your garden for the enormous joy looking out on it will be.

I think a garden gives you back 10 times what you put in.

Also people who are gardening mad tend to be very generous with their advice and knowledge.

Is their a gardening group local to you that you could join.

I'm quite a bit older than you. But my parents were professionals who moved around (the south) for my dad's career. So I didn't grow up with extended family close by. My parents eventually settled in a very nice, but small city with easy access to the country. Prior to that we lived in London. As a teen I bewailed the lack of opportunities and local friends I had in the small town. Things did improve a lot once I went into sixth form but ironically in London we had left behind a myriad of casual acquaintances, and that was always a source of regret. When I went to uni I deliberately chose a large city in the Midlands.

Since then I've always lived in the South, and in London once I started on my first professional job. We now live close to where we lived as kids and I can't imagine wanting to live anywhere else. The opportunities for experiences and days out are numerous. When the kids were young we had about 9 parks within easy reach and over the years have had days out with them to most museums, monuments, places of interest etc in and around London. They've also been to the theatre and events at places like the O2 many times and eaten out a lot.

We have bought and sold 3 houses and have moved from a run down working class area initially to a very popular and affluent part. We have a nice house and garden in a lovely area. (We were lucky with the way house prices rose in the 90s and noughties.)

If we did want to downsize or even move a short way from the popular secondary schools we live near, we would be able to afford another nice home and have plenty left over, so the house feels like a very good investment.

Some members of DHs family actually moved from their small town to live near us years ago and a member of my family also lives nearby so we haven't suffered too much from being isolated from family, though my parents were never on hand for babysitting- that is a regret I had at the time. None of my friends from home still live in the town we came from. But we have all kept in touch anyway over the years and I enjoy the chance to have a day out with them or go to stay for a few days.

I think casual friendship groups come and go. I've had that happen with groups of work colleagues, parents of children at their primary schools and other interest groups I've been in. Currently I feel I don't have enough local friends anymore so I haven't had a lot of people to meet up with during the pandemic - I do need to develop new interests (as socialising with DH all the time doesn't cut it for me!).

So no, I don't think moving from my home town was a bad idea.

I know it’s a bit of a shame that sometimes there is an immovable ‘culture’ which you don’t fit in with, that means wherever we live is pretty tough no matter whether a home town or not.

My parents came from towns in Ireland and I used to have a lot of romantic nostalgia about them as we used to go for holidays. Everyone belonged, lots of countryside, lots of security. We moved all over the place and lived a lot in London. I always felt rootless.

Which is why I had such high hopes when I moved to DPs home town, where all his family lived and had done for centuries. Then I realised, my parents were the more open minded ones because they moved away, leaving the people who liked the status quo. So home towns are often more and more insular because anyone with curiosity and a broad horizon has moved on!

I think what's contributing to your unhappiness and restlessness is lack of connection. Do you have many friends? Do you have time for friends? There are so many people who have to move because of work, who feel disconnected to their immediate environment so you're not alone.

So home towns are often more and more insular because anyone with curiosity and a broad horizon has moved on @Rejoiningperson

So true. There are many places even today where people want to know who your grandparents or parents are when they meet you (so they can judge your place in the local social hierarchy), where it's difficult to break into social circles if you didn't go to the same secondary school as them. A lot of open-minded, adventurous or ambitious people leave.

Yep the local ‘best’ secondary school here has an entrance form that asks whether their father or grandfather attended... you couldn’t make it up!

This is definitely an issue of you not seeming happy with where you have chosen to live. I moved away from my hometown at 23 and never looked back. I don't even live in the same country anymore and haven't been back in nearly 20 years. It's an absolute shithole with no opportunities for anyone and I've never regretted leaving. Even when I lived there close to family, no one came to visit us. I had very limited relationships with family. I'm now NC with my family due to something completely unrelated (my mum married a man who sexually abused his children) and even if we lived in the same town, we'd have no relationship. So geographic closeness is no guarantee your family members won't go off the rails and not have a relationship with you. Fwiw, moving away was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have lovely life and we have a lovely house and kids go to a great school and we're very happy here. Where we moved was a very intentional choice though and I never would have stayed here if I wasn't happy.

Legacy of the Thatcher years and since given the lack of a range of good careers and jobs for most people in some towns and cities, I think

I don't agree with this. People have always moved for work. Both my parents did, after the war. My Grandad had travelled a lot of the country to get work between the war years. There wasn't work, and there wasn't any welfare state to look after people who couldn't get work. There are big communities in most cities where people settled, having been encouraged to move and attracted by the work.

I am inclined to agree with Ihatesalad about being the 'sort' of person. Whatever you join - a Church, mosque, synagogue or whatever; a book club; volunteering with something like Scouts, Guides, BB, or GB; a rambling/cycling/climbing club; a stay and play; a sports team; any sort of volunteering really - automatically gives you a welcome from 'people like you', but you have to be prepared to knock on that door in the first place.

I think that moving away from your hometown can be beneficial if the place you come from doesn't offer much, but the loss of family connections and old friends is generally underestimated in my opinion. Some people won't mind but some will feel the loss of their roots very much. I had a great life away from my home town and while I did appreciate it, there was always a feeling of something lacking. I am really glad I moved back, the benefits of moving away did not outweigh the loss of my oldest relationships.

@Ihatesalad Yes, I think the key is to keep trying new things. Takes effort though, but I know friends can't be made sitting on the sofa!!
@VienneseWhirligig I agree, it's so easy to take things for granted and think that a move will 'fix' everything. I know my problems will follow me, and it's best to work on them first. Sometimes I just find life too harsh though, and think the comfort of being with your own family where they really know you should not be underestimated. Sad though, that I would want to create a more insular life for myself because the big, bad world it tough sometimes.
@billy1966 I agree, a garden can be a sanctuary.
@Amotherlife 'Myriad of casual acquaintances' - Yes, all that is so important to feel connected. I find this a tough one to navigate though. Eg: you knew someone from your child's nursery and would say hello every day, chat sometimes and perhaps go on a night out with them. Then 3 years down the line, you still bump into them. You try to be open and say hi, but after a while they stop saying hello and you feel really insignificant, tiny things like this really upset me. This happens to me all the time. I don't know what to think, it's just awkward...like you have to prepare yourself to be ignored and be busy doing something else. Everyone just seems so guarded at times. I do agree casual friendships come ago. My social life was full when the kids were younger, so many meet ups. It's better not to pin all my happiness from social interactions on one area of my life.
@EarthSight I have friends from other aspects of my life, eg: through university, old school friends, but struggling with friends who are parents at school. Somehow I've got left behind there. Everyone is guarded and don't want to make themselves vulnerable by letting me in, bloody ridiculous I know!! But it's not the end of the world, I just feel really rubbish about it and it's something that keeps reoccurring every day. I have become more anxious over the past year of two about it, which just makes things worse. I think the rise of social media hasn't helped. People don't stop and chat as much anymore as you are supposed to tell everyone what's going on with your life all the time on Facebook, that is not me at all!!

@mindutopia it's true, the family you once relied on can change. I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm glad you've found happiness now. I think there would definitely be issues if I moved back and it wouldn't all be happy families at all. I think the truth is that I had a very sheltered upbringing where lots of things were pretty perfect, and it's been hard to adjust. Things got tricky when I reached adulthood, I did not have a clue what to do with my life but I wanted to show my parents I wanted to get on, not be a burden and make a life for myself (sibling was making parents ill with worry). It's not necessarily a good thing to give your kids privilege and perfection.

It's so great to hear everyone's opinions on this. It's been troubling me for so long. I've been feeling truly selfish for moving away, but then nearly everyone else I know has too.