Migration of adult children away from home town

[Circle3]

This seems to have been happening for years but is it time to question the benefits of moving away from your hometown.
I moved away from my hometown in NW England after my degree. I've lived away from 'home' for longer than I haven't. I'm 4 hours away, having drifted further south due to better jobs opportunities. I now live in a house that I would never have dreamt of being able to afford, although in reality it's not that special. Traffic is crazy, 'countryside' round leaves me cold. Im not sure what my long term plan ever was but I do feel stuck. I resent living in an affluent snobby part of the country at times, I hate the competition. In the meantime, the North-South divide has got worse (I realise I'm part of the problem) and my hometown has been in economic decline, now full of discount stores. Parents talked of moving nearer to us, but in reality I don't think they ever will. And of course, even though they are managing well I hate not being on hand to support them. They have always worked really hard to make their home and garden really beautiful (without spending ££).

I feel totally disconnected now. I constantly compare the life I give to my children to the life I had. We had family members popping in from down the road fairly often, lots of friends of the family round and just felt connected. We had lots of reasons to take pride and keep a tidy house. Now it's just rushing round to take the kids to activities, rushed lunches and in reality, a life that's pretty empty. But we've created financial stability for the kids and given them opportunities. I try to imagine how things will be when they turn 18? Will we see them more because we are in the SE? I worry about everything but seem to have compromised too much.

Anyone else recognise this? I do wonder if this is just modern life that I need to get used to. I did live in quite an idyll, but that was the past. Have I thrown away all that's good for purely selfish reasons? I feel like this is such a normal thing for people to do now, and it's very destructive to families and communities. I try to imagine what things would be like if I'd have stayed, it may not have been all that easy either.

I think it is too big to generalise.

You have made choices which benefited you and your family financially and in terms of opportunity, and are now looking (with rather rose tinted glasses possibly ?) at what you haven't got rather than what you have got.
There is no reason not to have become part of the community where you live though. Even easier when you have dc and they have become involved in activities.

I meet people all the time who settle in to new communities because they actively seek to do so when they move somewhere new.

I think, if you or your children were to move out of London, a good option would be a city closer to home? If that's NW, Liverpool and Manchester have a lot going on.

Some people never change but a lot of us feel the need to settle and put down roots as part of a community once we get older. I suppose it's a natural human urge. It's a shame there's such an imbalance in the UK. More jobs and opportunities in London (although it's not the only place by any means) but then that's caused the housing crisis in London and the SE. It's no good for families and communities anywhere in the country.

@BackforGood You're right there is no reason to not be part of the community. On the surface of it we are. We've met lots of other families through our kids. But sometimes that can get tricky and just kind of grinds to a halt. I've had a couple of issues that have knocked my confidence, competitive and agressive parenting have put me off. DH is great at socialising but I'm shy at times, and a big worrier and I think a lot of times people spot that and can't be arsed with it. It's a pretty competitive place, and I end up thinking people are shallow. I'm aware that I shouldn't base all connections on other parents...I can do hobbies etc. But we're pretty stretched as a family, no family to babysit...it's just us.

I grew up in a seaside town that has slowly declined over the years. It is now a sad, miserable place full of discount stores, unemployed people and drug abuse. It has few prospects and me and both my siblings drifted away, even my mum did in the end. Because we all drifted to different places we dont have strong family ties and our kids barely know each other which I find sad but I cant change that. I am not sorry that my children are growing up far from that town though.

I’m another one who thinks there are some rose tinted memories going on for you, OP. I have a very different view, based on my own experience.

I moved away from the NW (very WC) town I was raised in as soon as possible, and after seven moves, now live in a pretty village 30 miles outside London.

We have an amazing community of interesting, vibrant friends, many of whom have lived all over the world. There are loads of events going on in the area, and we all look out for each other. Although it’s one of the most affluent pockets of the country, there’s virtually no snobbery.

When I go back up North to my home town, I get instantly depressed by the streets of boarded up shops and charity shops. My family members have zero aspirations for their kids beyond a job in the shipyard and a 2 bed terrace; no one goes to university or travels.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with moving away and making a life for yourself and your family if your home town lacks opportunities (I know there are also some beautiful areas of the North as well, this isn’t a North South thing necessarily).

If you throw yourself into the local community and put down roots, then that will be home.

@Tealightsandd I totally agree. I wouldn't know who to vote for though for more economic balance and opportunity across the country?? It was nothing like this in the 80s and 90s and even 2000s. Our high street was really beautiful, very stylish indeed. The opening of Liverpool One (huge shopping centre) about 10 years ago finally killed it off.

It's definitely no good for families and communities, really devastating.

The outskirts of Manchester could work. The Peak District would be nice. We would do if our kids were age 5 and 6, but the problem is it's taken us until they are quite a bit older to get real financial stability.

@Tealightsandd

Like you say OP, the north-south divide has got worse. Which means, unless they become very rich, your children will likely have to move back to your hometown or somewhere near it. The housing crisis in the south, particularly London, will see to that. You're right to be concerned about the issues though. The level of homelessness in London is shocking. I mean, two thirds of all the families in the UK in temporary accommodation are in London. The situation in London and the wider south east is dire.

Isn't this a little dramatic? I doubt OP's children are at risk of being homeless if they decide to stay in London. I dare say there is so much more going on in London for a teenager than in a small town and once they are adults, more job prospects and diversity and ability for them to find their own tribe.

Like you say OP, the north-south divide has got worse

Is this true?

My memories from the 80s are the utter devastation of northern cities whilst London prospered and I think some northern cities (Liverpool, Manchester, Newcastle) are in a much better place now.

No doubt there are areas of deprivation in the north and midlands, but I don’t think it’s worse than in the 80s.

@Mumblechum0 Sounds fantastic. Trying to guess where you are . I don't think it's where I am, I'm closer. Can you give me a clue? Is it direction N, S, W or E out of London?

@Circle3
It’s not a secret we’re in one of thevillages in the Hambleden Valley www.visitchilterns.co.uk/market-towns/hambleden-valley.html

@Mumblechum0 I definitely have rose tinted specs!!!
@ HeddaGarbled You're right, there was quite a lot of deprivation in the 80s. But money has been pumped into Manchester and Liverpool and not particularly benefitted where I'm from, which is 40 mins drive from motorway network. Poor planning decisions have caused a lot of heritage to be stripped out where I'm from and replaced by Premier Inn and Home bargains.

@Mumblechum0 Ah, I was thinking NW but was thinking more Amersham or Great Missenden. Sounds worth a visit! We went to the other Hambleden in Surrey the other day, very lovely too.

My parents had moved away from their family for work. Not highly paid, but where they were from had high unemployment. I only saw my grandparents about once a month. So I did not have your experience growing up. But my parents both had work and so we had a better life than my cousins who stayed and were desperately poor.

My DP grew up in a tiny village related to half the village. I know even when I visited other family members were popping into the grandparents every day. There were benefits in that my SIL got a LOT of free babysitting and practical help. But DP had been desperate to move away. Everyone knew each others business, there was lots of gossip and interference and fall outs. When my SIL got divorced, half the village seemed to take a view whether this was the right thing to do or she should have stayed married for the sake of the children.

I think being surrounded by extended family or being more physically distant both have their pros and cons. And it can be easy to have rose tinted spectacles about the opposite option to your life.

@HeddaGarbled

Like you say OP, the north-south divide has got worse

Is this true?

My memories from the 80s are the utter devastation of northern cities whilst London prospered and I think some northern cities (Liverpool, Manchester, Newcastle) are in a much better place now.

No doubt there are areas of deprivation in the north and midlands, but I don’t think it’s worse than in the 80s.

I actually meant worse for the south, London in particular. The housing crisis - including homelessness - is at very serious level there. Two thirds of all families in temporary accommodation in the whole UK are in London.

I agree the north-south divide is very bad, there’s a chronic lack of investment in the north and other regions meaning businesses base themselves in the SE because that’s where the money is. I think that’s why people move from their home towns, to chase better job opportunities. The lack of investment in the U.K. outside London causes the communities to fracture, it’s not the fault of the people moving away.

I have to say on a personal level I don’t relate - I absolutely hated growing up in a picturesque market town. It was so boring. My parents moved there from London and I used to berate them for having left London. I moved there myself 7 years ago and haven’t looked back - I was back in my hometown staying with parents over lockdown and while I did appreciate its charms more as an adult, I couldn’t wait to get back to London. I feel more connection with my community and friends here than I ever did in the Midlands.

I’ve been living in a town where everyone comes from her, except me, and it’s full of small minded, conservative, clannish unbearable people!

When I moved here as DP was from here, I thought it would be great. I’m quite easy going and friendly. After the initial ‘niceties’ everyone sticks to their families. And because they then don’t get challenged, or have to make the effort because family usually back you whatever, but friends will offer another perspective - so people who would have been more outward just can’t be that bothered.

I know I’ve grown cynical. But all my friends here are the ones from elsewhere. There is a tennis club and golf club that is very difficult to get into if you are on the good side of town. And the pub and bingo for the other side. It’s pretty horrible! I cant’ wait to go back to where I used to live, which is a thriving University town with a lot of change.

I grew up in East London (pretty working class) and moved away for university. Ended up staying in the South West of England after my postgraduate studies because job opportunities, community and atmosphere were better than what was available in my hometown. It's been 17 years since I left and have no regrets. Everytime I go back to visit my family I'm reminded of the reasons why I left and I know that I made the right decision.

I would say give it a chance for at most two years. Grow a garden. Do more home cooking. Stay in the UK for holidays. Take little day trips. Cut down the number of activities the DCs are doing. Spend time as a family developing your own little community. Reach out and connect with some group doing charity work in your community and involve your H and DCs.

If you are happier after the two years, stay. If you still feel the yearning for a more interconnected way of life and you feel it's eluding you where you are, move. Do it before secondary school. Your children will have time to make new friends if you make the decision at around 10.

If you decide to move, I would say maybe go to a university town where you will find other transplants. I think you would find it hard to settle back into the place you come from.

@StayingHere

I grew up in a seaside town that has slowly declined over the years. It is now a sad, miserable place full of discount stores, unemployed people and drug abuse. It has few prospects and me and both my siblings drifted away, even my mum did in the end. Because we all drifted to different places we dont have strong family ties and our kids barely know each other which I find sad but I cant change that. I am not sorry that my children are growing up far from that town though.

Same here, seaside area, no prospects , desolate in the winter, lots of low levels of drug use and only seasonal work, couldn’t wait to leave, my mother still lives there, so go back to visit but don’t want to live there

I've done the opposite... Grew up SE London. Settled in Yorkshire.

In some ways growing up near London (Bromley/Bexley boroughs) was great. Public transport for example, and the museums. I went to two good Grammar schools. Back in the 80s, a mid level civil servant could buy a 3bed family house in a nice, not fancy, area añd still have enough left for holidays and activities.

However I prefer bringing my children up somewhere where your mortgage doesn't Cost your whole income (DHs job that has the same pay in London, th Shetlands and everywhere between. Just that in the rest of the country, he's a high earner... ). No Grammar schools... But that was a deliberate choice with a child with additional needs. Not near the big museums... But there's other stuff.

There are plenty of nice places outside of London. Not the same obviously.

[quote Mumblechum0]@Circle3
It’s not a secret we’re in one of thevillages in the Hambleden Valley www.visitchilterns.co.uk/market-towns/hambleden-valley.html[/quote]
This is so interesting, I grew up around this area and hated it, left as soon as I could (as did all my friends). Absolutely fuck all to do as a teenager, no public transport, everyone knows your business, everyone related to each other. Lots of drugs and underage drinking, we were just so bored, the devil makes work for idle hands as they say ! When my grandparents died, my husband wouldn’t buy their house, just said the area wasn’t for him (which was probably for the best, although I was very attached to the house)

I would have probably preferred growing up in the North, at least there would have been something to do !
We did have family around though.
So I suppose it is a case of the grass is always greener.

Legacy of the Thatcher years and since given the lack of a range of good careers and jobs for most people in some towns and cities, I think. Though there will always be those whose childhood was unhappy in some way or who just grow tired of a place and want to move.

Covid's legacy may be that some people won't need to move house for a job change, and reduce some commuting, but it will only be a small percentage I expect.

Interesting thread. I grew up in small seaside town which I hated. Moved away as soon as I could, lived various UK cities and traveled the world. Moved back to start a family and absolutely love living here. I'm still best friend with my school friends but only one moved back here - we all moved away as soon as we could. My other two besties live overseas and wouldn't come back if I paid them. They talk about the town in the same way many of you talk about your own home town. It feels strange as actually, I love living here, while the areas they have chosen to live would not appeal to me.

My siblings live all over the world with only one still living here. Yes the area has its issues but it's a real community and it's physical location is beautiful. The town does have a lot of discount and charity shops and methadone clearly plays a large role in many resident's lives, but it's also got a lot of locally owned shops.. fantastic bakery; best florist; great butchers etc.

My kids love living here and if I ever talk about moving they all get annoyed as they think it's the best place to live. Our house and garden would be totally out of our price range anywhere else.

It feels real living here. It's not fancy and the social issues are quite apparent but I try to be part of a solution and I don't know, I just feel connected living here.

One thing I learnt (and I have moved a lot in the uK plus now abroad) is that wherever you go you take ‘you’ with you— so if you generally an upbeat positive person you will remain so, opposite is true. Get new routines, do a few meet ups (married or not) when we moved to Bath that’s how I found my little local circle of 4 — it made a huge difference— there are other things too such as voluntary work befriending old people , join some local groups even if initially the subject doesn’t thrill you be it ramblers or book club but the most important thing I feel is live where there is ‘life’ unless you are a total introvert, gravitate to where like minded people live— the places I’ve enjoyed most and lived in southern England were south west London, Bath, oxford, winchester and Canterbury. Ok, they are all nice places but the thing was they had ‘enough’ people and stuff going on I could link with— there’s a reason usually expensive areas are expensive and if I couldn’t afford it I would live within a few miles of them— prices drop a lot slightly out of such places.