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Relationships

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Original poster

Can’t be arsed with sex anymore as I get older

63 replies

BerryNameChangw · 08/05/2021 11:18

DH finds sex very important. I used to really enjoy it, but I’m older, menopausal and frankly while it’s ok it rarely seems worth the effort.

He likes lingerie, on him and me, we can’t be spontaneous as he needs viagra, we have a needy dog who acts like the sex police so needs tired out first. I’m knackered by 10 and want to go to sleep. Not dress up in stockings and look interested. The upshot is we are having perfunctory boring married sex.

He’s feeling unfulfilled, sex starved and gets stressed and unpleasant when he doesn’t feel he’s getting enough sex. I’m feeling like I’m going through the motions in order to tick the we’ve had sex twice this week box...

It’s not doing either of us any good. Anyone come back from this? I want to enjoy it again and he wants that too.

OP posts:

Original poster

BerryNameChangw · 08/05/2021 11:21

Not lingerie on him...for him...

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 08/05/2021 11:46

Sounds like things have ran their course.

Unless you feel that kinkying it up might help? But then it's a question of of your dh cares enough to do that to satisfy you? Because tbh it sounds like be only cares about his own needs.

Do you really need him as a husband anymore? Maybe you could separate and remain friends? No one should have to have sex they dont want to have. Ever.

category12 · 08/05/2021 11:54

What's the rest of the relationship like? Would you be happy together if the sex issue was miraculously resolved?

If so, it might be worth going to the GP to see if there's anything that can be done for your libido, like hormonal replacement?

Thelnebriati · 08/05/2021 11:55

He likes to wear lingerie and gets unpleasant when he doesn't think he's getting enough sex. I think that would kill my sex drive too.

Opentooffers · 08/05/2021 11:57

Comes down to how you feel about your DH. If you still fancy him, or at least respect him.
It all starts out of the bedroom, so if you are not generally affectionate with each other, you can't be expected to flick a switch come bedtime.
Do you walk the dog together? Perhaps stop off for lunch and a chat, visit new places? The more time people spend sharing activities, the more they grow together. If you find your leisure time is spent separately, you will be growing apart.

Michaelangelo467 · 08/05/2021 11:57

Sex is what makes a relationship. He is being realistic here, you are sabotaging everything.

VeganVeal · 08/05/2021 11:59

Does he wear lingerie just for sex or just in general, to work etc?

Grimsknee · 08/05/2021 12:08

What do YOU like OP?

Inthesameboatatmo · 08/05/2021 12:10

OP corrected, its lingerie for him ,not on him .

Thelnebriati · 08/05/2021 12:14

@Michaelangelo467

Sex is what makes a relationship. He is being realistic here, you are sabotaging everything.

Sex involves two people. If only one partner is getting what they want and sulking when they don't get it, they aren't being realistic.

Michaelangelo467 · 08/05/2021 12:16

No, that’s now what’s happening. OP has taken sex off the table with no discussion. A relationship needs a sex life that is happy for both participants. He isn’t demanding sex, he wants the happy sex life they used to have and enjoyed TOGETHER . She’s the one who has changed and says she no longer is interested in sex.

Michaelangelo467 · 08/05/2021 12:18

What I’m saying is that SHE has changed the sexual dynamics. The fallout is not due to him only that he is reacting to HER choices.

Melitza · 08/05/2021 12:18

@Thelnebriati

He likes to wear lingerie and gets unpleasant when he doesn't think he's getting enough sex. I think that would kill my sex drive too.

Exactly this ^^

Orangebug · 08/05/2021 12:19

OP has taken sex off the table - wtf? They've had sex twice this week!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2021 12:19

Either of you thinking it’s a deal breaker or are you wanting to find a way through?

Horehound · 08/05/2021 12:21

@Michaelangelo467

What do you mean op has taken sex off the table? She is clearly still having sex but doesnt want to.

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2021 12:22

It sounds as if you have got into a way of being where sex is for him, 100%. It does sound as if though you still have some desire to change it - that comment about 'boring married sex' suggests you do know it could be better?

I totally get you about having sex last thing at night - never my favourite thing. So have it in the morning or earlier in the evening. Start locking the dog in a room for the duration, or tell him you can't relax unless the dog is sorted and it's over to him. And sod lingerie. I love it personally but if it's become a chore then ditch it, at least for now.

Even if you only want sex infrequently- what would it look like if it was the way you wanted? Afternoon delight, long bath while he walks the dog, texting him pics from the bath, then total darkness so its all imagination? Outside? Music?

Horehound · 08/05/2021 12:23

T h I think relationships have peaks and troughs of having sex. For example with young children people tend to be exhausted and sex is rare or out the window for a while.
Op is going through the menopause, hormones changing etc so I feel like this is a normal thing although I imagine a conversation needs to be had.
It would be so off putting to have a sulky husband expecting sex twice a week, kinda takes the fun out of it

sundaylunday · 08/05/2021 12:25

@Michaelangelo467

What are you on about? Did you even read the OP?

SunshineSuxx · 08/05/2021 12:25

Sounds familiar, OP.

I think it's the planning that takes the edge off for me, and it becomes more of a performance than something spontaneous and gentle.

79andnotout · 08/05/2021 12:29

I feel the same as I've got more menopausal. Fortunately for me my DP has a low sex drive and it used to be me who felt a bit hard done by. Now we're equally disinterested it's worked out well.

Sex doesn't make the relationship for everyone. I've been in several long term relationships where the sex was amazing but the partner irritated me from day to day. The sex was the compromise in this one but we're very happy together a decade on.

Btw we had relationship and sex therapy for a year or so. It helped a bit and we understood each other better but it didn't change much in the bedroom.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 08/05/2021 13:03

It would worry me him becoming stressed and unpleasant due to it. We've had periods where I've felt there's def not been enough sex but would never act in this way to dp. Sulking is never sexy.

Original poster

BerryNameChangw · 08/05/2021 13:05

Yep, he wants what we used to have. The menopause has meant that I went through phases, hating it and us not having sex at all really for months...then ok again but not feeling like I used to.

He’s being understanding but is finding it understandably frustrating and I don’t blame him. And the viagra means you have to plan and follow through.

He’s not an arse about it.

We want to stay together, we get on well and have been through a lot of crap in the last few years, but he wants to have sex like we used to without it being such bloody hard work.

OP posts:

IsItJustMeOrYou · 08/05/2021 13:34

Hi Op, are you on HRT and is it possible to have sex at 8pm when you are less tired?

BrilliantBetty · 08/05/2021 13:58

Sex therapist?

I hate the sound of your situation though OP. He doesn't sound nice. Either have sex you don't want or face the frosty, tense atmosphere in the house.

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