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Relationships

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Original poster

Can’t be arsed with sex anymore as I get older

63 replies

BerryNameChangw · 08/05/2021 11:18

DH finds sex very important. I used to really enjoy it, but I’m older, menopausal and frankly while it’s ok it rarely seems worth the effort.

He likes lingerie, on him and me, we can’t be spontaneous as he needs viagra, we have a needy dog who acts like the sex police so needs tired out first. I’m knackered by 10 and want to go to sleep. Not dress up in stockings and look interested. The upshot is we are having perfunctory boring married sex.

He’s feeling unfulfilled, sex starved and gets stressed and unpleasant when he doesn’t feel he’s getting enough sex. I’m feeling like I’m going through the motions in order to tick the we’ve had sex twice this week box...

It’s not doing either of us any good. Anyone come back from this? I want to enjoy it again and he wants that too.

OP posts:

wizzywig · 08/05/2021 14:05

Would you be fine with him getting it elsewhere?

Northernsoullover · 08/05/2021 14:08

I'm in a similar situation. I could try HRT but I don't currently need it for any other symptoms. I'm perfectly happy. My partner less so. I think I am going to have to set him free. I feel why should I take HRT with the sole benefit at the moment is a potential uptick in my sex drive. Then again I might be delighted to have the intimacy back. At the moment if Tom Hardy offered I would rather have a nice cup of tea. I'm not sure whether to wait and see if I get any other menopause symptoms and then try HRT 🤔

EwwSprouts · 08/05/2021 14:13

There is a dissonance here. The DH wants a sex life just like it used to be but is failing to recognise that ship long since sailed when he started needing viagra. Both of you are ageing and few have the same sex life in their 50s? than their 20s. Perhaps fewer times but better quality is the way forward?

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2021 14:14

I agree with not medicating yourself just to make yourself have sex with your partner- quite different if there's other symptoms like depression.

Keep talking though. Things can change again. Or you might decide together on a different approach.

Mintjulia · 08/05/2021 14:18

I think I'd find a dog sitter and then treat yourself to a long weekend city break once a month where someone else does all the work and you can rest, relax and focus on each other. That takes care of the viagra/planning and gives you a change of scene that might bring back a bit of sparkle.

KateKeeper · 08/05/2021 14:24

I can't believe the replies I'm reading. A slightly less active/exotic sex life is totally normal as you age. He's behaving like an arse.
My vagina would shrivel up totally if my partner sulked about lack of sex.
What's the rest of your relationship like @BerryNameChangw?

category12 · 08/05/2021 14:25

@PermanentTemporary

I agree with not medicating yourself just to make yourself have sex with your partner- quite different if there's other symptoms like depression.

Keep talking though. Things can change again. Or you might decide together on a different approach.

Except OP says in her opening post: I want to enjoy it again. So medication helped with that, why not try it? It is a symptom of menopause, why isn't it enough on its own to try the medical route. She says she wants to enjoy sex again.

category12 · 08/05/2021 14:26

Dropped an IF out of my 2nd sentence there.

KateKeeper · 08/05/2021 14:30

Sorry I missed your update. I'd recommend discussing hrt then.
Like @Northernsoullover I'm less enthusiastic about sex since menopause, with no other symptoms. DH is fine about it. Lots of affection, and good sex every ten days or so. But we've chatted about it and are comfortable with it.

litterbird · 08/05/2021 14:46

I am 56 and my libido dropped off the face of the earth when I was 48 and started the menopause, didn't want it at all and I hated not having that feeling of wanting sex, it was soul destroying for me. HRT helped enormously. Although in my mid 50s I love to dress up still for my DP and we have our intimate moments out of the bedroom to make it a bit more fun. Sorry to hear your OH needs viagra but I believe its quite a common thing for a man later in life to need. Last night (sorry for TMI) we had sex at 8pm before we both got knackered and fell asleep in front of the tele. During the day too I was sending flirty texts to him to tell him what I might be wearing later....it all added to me really enjoying sex again with my partner and of course my partner was having a lot of fun too. Some of the younger ones on MN might think sex disappears when you get to 50/60. It doesn't have to if you can get the right medication and get into the right headspace. It takes effort and time but it might help to recharge you both. I hope you find a solution OP for both of you to go back to some enjoyment.

daisys · 08/05/2021 14:54

I was the same a few years ago, I had started the menopause and my previous doctor would not give me HRT due to his ridiculous beliefs (since struck off and I have a new doctor now and HRT)
So no interest in sex at all for 2 years, but it wasn’t just the actual sex it was the closeness etc I missed as well. Going from a very active sex life dwindling to nothing, my mood swings, tearfulness, tiredness, atrophic vagina which is common on the menopause, and DH approaching me to be told to bugger off did not make for a good relationship.
So eventually got a new doctor who gave me HRT and now I am pestering DH for sex so much that he says I am like a dog on heat
The HRT worked for me, I’m not saying it’s the best thing for everyone but for me it is, it sorted my mood swings, low mood, tearfulness, and my sex life.

EasterEggBelly · 08/05/2021 15:25

Following for any good advice.

JustAnotherOldMan · 08/05/2021 15:38

Hi OP
I’m a 50 something man, and wouldn’t really like sex twice a week, that would be too much for me, maybe once every ten days or so, but I would like to be with someone who actually WANTS to have sex with me, not just did it a duty.
So maybe as PP suggested you try to swap quantity for quality, maybe with some sexting chucked in well to try and a better experience for both of you

sundaylunday · 08/05/2021 15:53

Your dh seems to be sulking about sex not being like it used to be like it's all your fault but a huge part of the lack of spontaneity is because of the viagra HE needs. Is he taking ownership of his side of the issues? Addressing how needing viagra makes him feel? Addressing how sex live does change as you age? Accepting his age and normal decline? It sounds like he's decided it's all your fault to address which is a very unflattering quality.

sundaylunday · 08/05/2021 15:55

Also - take HRT if you WANT to but don't feel pressured for sex benefits as HRT is not without its own risks. For me personally, it hasn't made a jot of difference to my sex drive but I desperately needed it for flushes and joint pain which was hugely affecting my quality of life.

musingloud · 08/05/2021 15:57

Not being funny, but if you are too tired for sex at 10 can't you just have sex earlier?

If you have a good marriage I would get rid of the dog before I got rid of my DH. At least lock the dog up or something.

Ihatesalad · 08/05/2021 16:10

I think an awful lot of women I know over 50 simply go off sex, partly because of hormones but often partly because they simply don’t feel that way anymore about their husbands and partners and its a very awkward and difficult thing to tell someone and quite a hard decision to leave the relationship too if it’s just because of this issue.

ViceLikeBlip · 08/05/2021 16:28

I guess it depends whether he's interested in improving your sexual relationship, or whether he's interested in having more sex.

How many times a week would he be willing to have sex just for you? As in, he does whatever it is you like best, but it's agreed in advance there will be no pentration or ejaculation? If the answer is "none", then no wonder you don't want to have sex with this man! But if he actually wants you to enjoy sex more, then this is a great way to break that cycle of kinda dreading sex.

FWIW it's not your duty to have sex with him, it's his responsibility to make you WANT to have sex with him!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/05/2021 16:40

nothing more offputting than a sullen sulky man whingeing about sex. After I went through the menopause I never wanted sex again. My husband left because of that and it's just fab snuggling down into my cosy bed not having to dress up or pretend to be interested.
i don't want him back.

FinallyHere · 08/05/2021 16:44

gets stressed and unpleasant when he doesn’t feel he’s getting enough sex.

I just can't imagine feeling any desire for someone who acts like this. Sulking and prepared to have sex with someone who isn't keen, just so his needs are met.

Ugh. It would be such a turn off that I would be avoiding sec with them at all costs.

Can't be sure, but I would be looking to split up sooner rather than later.

LoudestCat14 · 08/05/2021 16:45

I have a similar attitude to sex at the moment because of menopause – I feel numb from the waist down. So much so that I've got a call-back booked with my GP on Monday to discuss HRT because I hate feeling like this and I miss the intimacy with my partner. I'm impressed you're having sex twice a week still, OP! It doesn't sound like your DH is being that understanding though, because he's making you feel bad for not fulfilling his needs more often, yet he's not addressing your needs, which is to not be guilt-tripped into having sex twice a week when you really aren't in the mood. He needs to stop with the emotional blackmail.

Bluedeblue · 08/05/2021 17:11

Only on MN can one person take sex off the table, and their Partner is an arsehole if they're grumpy about the sudden lack of sex. It is horrific to have a good sex drive and for your Partner to be uninterested. Truly soul destroying.

ViceLikeBlip · 08/05/2021 17:22

She's still having sex with him twice a week even though she doesn't want to, because he'll make her life miserable if she doesn't!

ViceLikeBlip · 08/05/2021 17:23

@Bluedeblue

Replying to this post

Miasicarisatia · 08/05/2021 17:27

My husband left because of that
I wonder, did he leave in search of 'hot young women in YOUR area who want no strings hook ups' etc
I wonder how that's working out for him....
My sex drive crashed after meno, tbh it's a relief, it was too high and I never felt satisfied

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