Can’t be arsed with sex anymore as I get older

[BerryNameChangw]

DH finds sex very important. I used to really enjoy it, but I’m older, menopausal and frankly while it’s ok it rarely seems worth the effort.

He likes lingerie, on him and me, we can’t be spontaneous as he needs viagra, we have a needy dog who acts like the sex police so needs tired out first. I’m knackered by 10 and want to go to sleep. Not dress up in stockings and look interested. The upshot is we are having perfunctory boring married sex.

He’s feeling unfulfilled, sex starved and gets stressed and unpleasant when he doesn’t feel he’s getting enough sex. I’m feeling like I’m going through the motions in order to tick the we’ve had sex twice this week box...

It’s not doing either of us any good. Anyone come back from this? I want to enjoy it again and he wants that too.

@Bluedeblue

Only on MN can one person take sex off the table, and their Partner is an arsehole if they're grumpy about the sudden lack of sex. It is horrific to have a good sex drive and for your Partner to be uninterested. Truly soul destroying.

You want to talk about soul destroying? Read the thread. OP is still having sex twice a week, not because she necessarily wants to but because her DH is moaning about her lack of interest. A wife having to succumb to shut her husband up is what's horrific.

I understand where you are coming from re the Viagra, I find it a real turn off having to plan ahead and then I feel there’s no manoeuvre to change my mind. It feels like a pressure and a shame there’s absolutely no chance of going to bed and spontaneously having sex.

🤣 🤣 🤣 Sorry but the line about the dog acting like the sex police had me in stitches

but he wants to have sex like we used to without it being such bloody hard work

Hard work? What do you mean this?

@Bluedeblue

Only on MN can one person take sex off the table, and their Partner is an arsehole if they're grumpy about the sudden lack of sex. It is horrific to have a good sex drive and for your Partner to be uninterested. Truly soul destroying.

I said in my post I might have to split with my partner. Neither of us is in the wrong 😕 I don't expect him to put up and shut up.

@ViceLikeBlip

She's still having sex with him twice a week even though she doesn't want to, because he'll make her life miserable if she doesn't!

That’s not what’s happening. It isn’t as good as it was, he’s upset that it isn’t it. He’s not making m6 life a misery because of it.

Sulky man, viagra, menopause, dog watching, after 10pm, scratchy lingerie, ticking the boxes…anyone feeling horny? No me neither. This can only be solved through an honest and open talk (outside of the bedroom) about the situation. Good luck.

@Michaelangelo467

Sex is what makes a relationship. He is being realistic here, you are sabotaging everything.

... no it's not. Sex is just a bonus.

Sorry. I was just going off the bit where you said he gets stressed and unpleasant if he feels he's not getting enough sex, so you feel you have to have sex with him twice a week just to tick that box.

If he's basically a nice guy, and he genuinely wants you to enjoy sex more (rather than HAVE sex more) then I'm sure he can make that happen! Focus on nice together couple time that isn't about sex. A couple of glasses of wine, something a bit sexy on the tv. The viagra almost makes this easier, because it literally can't go further than a kiss and a cuddle (for him!)

If he doesn't see any point in this, ie if there's no point in anything remotely sexual without penetrative sex, then I'd be inclined to wonder whether he cares more about sex than he cares about you. But obviously you know him better than I do xx

@Bluedeblue it really can be soul destroying yes, though dry spells in a long marriage are also common. In what world does sex twice a week constitute sex off the table.

Dear OP I am also in menopause and I have no sex drive, but also do not want to have it either, to be honest with you. However, my story is a little different. Been with my DH for 26 years and have three kids. I lost my sex drive after our first. Yes, I know, how dreadful. Ever since, we have been on and off. There were times when we would not have sex for months. I always felt bad about it and tried to make it “happen” as much as possible. Last few years, we decided we would have a designated day for sex hoping if it is scheduled it will happen, and it mostly was.

In my case the problem is, our marriage had problems, I was not happy, and this translated into me not wanting to be intimate. I was trying to explain this to my husband, but he would not listen. He always thought that not having enough sex was causing problems in our marriage, so he was insisting that we keep trying but the truth is inadequate sex was a symptom of deeper problems we were having.

Anyway, I finally decided to call it quits and we are in the process of separating. At this point I cannot wait to be alone in my bed, like one poster said, “snuggling” with a pillow and not stressing about having unwanted sex.

@loveyourself2020. Similar. Situation with me, except secretive frequent porn use contributed to me not being interested//
He created himself a viscious circle— like you I’m not sure I want to get it back ‘with him’

Women shouldn't be expected to want to have sex on demand after a certain age. Once menopause hits it's the last thing you need. Men should just realize this and bog off