My doctor and I have a mutual friend

[TheIbnEzra]

I have a friend who means well, really cares about me, but is one of those people who needs to know everything and be in the thick of it all the time. She is a doctor.

I recently made an appointment to speak to another doctor, in a completely different field. This doctor is a very good friend of my friend. I only casually know her. Our DDs were at nursery together.

I got a text last night from my friend saying she was talking to her friend - the dr I made the appointment with - and that she is happy to see me informally and chat over coffee and refer me professionally to one of her colleagues. That way I will have the benefit of two experts. One professionally and one informally.

I'm livid. I'm cross with the dr for not respecting patient confidentiality. And with my friend for getting involved. But I know she did so because she genuinely cares about me and is worried about me. And maybe having two people to discuss things with us better ?

Any advice? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

Quote:
“I told her I'd made the appointment. “
This changes things significantly.

It wasn’t appointment doctor saying to your friend “x has made an appointment for her highly intimate problem next week ha ha”

But rather it was your friend saying to the appointment doctor “ x told me she’s seeing you next week for her highly intimate problem”
Appointment doctor “did she”
Friend doctor: “yes - I think I’ll have a chat with her about it too - see if I can help”
Appointment doctor: “OK whatever” (thinking - we can’t discuss X - but you really shouldn’t stick your beak in)

You told your friend about the appointment so it is likely friend brought it up and (I think) likely she spoke “at” the other doctor rather than with.

Tell your friend that you would rather keep the appointment separate and professional and don’t tell her stuff if you don’t want her interfering.

@traumatisednoodle

I am a doctor ( not a GP) I wouldn't do this. You only break patient confidentiality if someone is at risk.

Indeed. Isn’t it amazing that the OP knows two Drs who have breached patient confidentiality.

Be brave and say to your friend, “thank you for the offer but I’d rather keep talking to you just as a friend, not a DR. I know you and X can’t discuss my case anyway because of confidentiality and to be honest that’s a relief to me. I’d rather keep things separate” then let this go. You’re overthinking it in my opinion.

I think it's highly likely that your doctor friend is known far and wide as a nosey besom/gossip

So the appointment doctor has offered to have the informal chat and refer you on because she knows your friend has no boundaries and likes to know all the things, and won't be able to put appointment doctor in any more awkward situations if she refers.

The doctor you made the appointment with should not have passed on that message via your friend regardless of the fact she knows that your friend knows. It's extremely unprofessional and of course you are upset, I am so shocked a Dr would do that.
Fair enough the Dr would think it's better to refer you to a colleague but she should have told you herself

You haven't see doctor x yet, and your friend did nothing wrong my mentioning that you were going to see x. My bet is that x wants you to see someone else now so your friend won't be trying to break confidentiality by discussing you .

I missed the bit where the ops friend is also a doctor that kind of changes the dynamics a bit so my post above is not proper advice

How did your friend find out you had an appointment booked with a different doctor? Who told her?

So you told friend "hey I am going to see Dr xyz next week"... Friend says to Dr xyz " oh your seeing my friends ezra next week"
Dr xyz should say "sorry friend you know I can't tell you that"

*hey I am going to see Dr xyz next week"... Friend says to Dr xyz " oh your seeing my friends ezra next week"
Dr xyz said "best I don't see her, due to our links, I'll refer her to a colleague and if she still wants to chat to me fine, is that best coming from you?"

I think it may be more like this...perhaps your friend is trying to tell you that 2nd Dr isn't that keen to see you formally. I suspect they may have thought it best for the message to be delivered informally because you might be sensitive to the "rejection" 😃

@Fireflygal Yes. Now I have had time to reflect I think you are probably right. I think this is the scenario. I will ask to be referred to a different doctor. I think the original one feels the relationship is too close although I don't actually know her so well. We are members of the same church. I think both the dr and my friend had good intentions. But personal and professional got blurred. I am feeling less cross about it now.

@TheIbnEzra I’m assuming this is a specialist dr; to be honest you really should have approached the doctor informally before booking to see her. She would have been able to tell you if that was ok, or she would have recommended someone to see. You don’t even need to be so direct, you could just ask for a recommendation in her field.

It could be that your mutual friend already knows she doesn’t like seeing ‘real life’ people at work and was warning her so she could prepare herself. Some drs I know work in other towns for this reason.

Your other mistake was to tell your friend if this topic is so off limits to you. There is really no reason for her to know you are seeing her friend. But if you did want to discuss you could talk about seeing a specialist.

It’s a bit of an awkward situation but you’ve also played a part.

Sounds to me, that as she vaguely knows you, she may want to help and perhaps the 3 of you become closer as a result?

It's not Professional of either of them.

You mentioned you knew each other through faith - would this faith perhaps be part of the problem? Are they elders or high up in the faith perhaps? Not that it's right I just wonder why two doctors who know the rules are not behaving according the the HO

The bottom line is, however it was said to Dr xyz... She should not have even confirmed she was seeing you, to your friend.
Confidentiality is clear on this, the Dr had no idea that your friend wasn't guessing or fishing.

@cakefanatic

“I’m assuming this is a specialist dr; to be honest you really should have approached the doctor informally before booking to see her. She would have been able to tell you if that was ok, or she would have recommended someone to see. You don’t even need to be so direct, you could just ask for a recommendation in her field”

Wtf 🤣 if the doctor didn’t take initial appointments without a pre-appointment chat then they wouldn’t have the facility for patients to book those. How would a patient be supposed to guess they were in the wrong for booking an appointment?

I swear there are some posters who just love to try twist things around to make the OP in the wrong no matter what, and it shows.

Wow, so unprofessional and definitely not an innocent mistake. Confidentiality is at the heart of what all doctors do.
If you don't want to rock the boat I'd say just decline the offer and say you want to go through the proper channels for your appt.

Unbelievably crass, they are not very bright considering they are drs. Even of they somehow had a reason to share information , which they didn't , how can they be so stupid as they you know ! I would cancel and go elsewhere.

Report it to the practice

@KarmaIsAnAngel - the OP knows the dr and has deliberately booked in with them. I wouldn’t do that to any of the medics I know without first giving them the opportunity to pass me on to someone else. Of course I don’t expect to have a pre consult with every medic I’m likely to see. But just as a patient has a right to see/not see certain people in clinic, so really does the clinician.

You’ve no evidence that the other doctor has breached patient confidentiality. It may have been kept very vague and they may not have confirmed whether you had or hadn’t got an appt.

I wouldn’t report them but I wouldn’t see either of them professionally.

I would seek another consultant.

I hope you resolve it.

Are they concerned about your welfare?

It can be tricky.
I had a colleague who knew her friend was pregnant.
One morning she saw a blood test for her friend which stated friend was post natal.
Colleague wanted to go up to the ward on her break to see mum and new baby.
I explained to colleague her information was confidential and part of the job so she couldn't go bouncing up.
She was so disappointed so I suggested she ring the friend's partner and asked after friend.
This did the trick, partner announced baby born and colleague could go up without breaking confidentiality rules.

It's not clear that the specialist doctor has breached anything from your scenario but it is clear that your doctor friend is over involved - which you already knew!

Some doctors if you tell them about your medical history think you want them to make suggestions and get involved and do a bit of doctoring. Others like me wish you would stop oversharing and see your own doctor who is paid to provide this service to you.

I'm not clear that any breaches of confidentiality have happened but I am clear that your doctor friend is bouncing around like the Duracell Bunny thinking of people she knows who could see you, what your diagnosis and treatment should be and generally being nosy. She probably thinks she is being amazingly helpful and the best friend ever.

If you don't want this to continue then you have to be blunt with her that you like her as a friend but don't want her to be your doctor and thanks for her help, but you won't be sharing your medical problems again.

I'm stunned that so many people think this is okay. It absolutely is NOT. Even if friend A knew about the appointment with the specialist, B, that does NOT give her the right to a) approach B, and B should absolutely NOT (and this is where the lack of professional confidentiality comes in) discuss OP's case with A. That is 100% wrong.

OP, you definitely need to see a different specialist doctor, and personally I'd report him/her.