My doctor and I have a mutual friend

[TheIbnEzra]

I have a friend who means well, really cares about me, but is one of those people who needs to know everything and be in the thick of it all the time. She is a doctor.

I recently made an appointment to speak to another doctor, in a completely different field. This doctor is a very good friend of my friend. I only casually know her. Our DDs were at nursery together.

I got a text last night from my friend saying she was talking to her friend - the dr I made the appointment with - and that she is happy to see me informally and chat over coffee and refer me professionally to one of her colleagues. That way I will have the benefit of two experts. One professionally and one informally.

I'm livid. I'm cross with the dr for not respecting patient confidentiality. And with my friend for getting involved. But I know she did so because she genuinely cares about me and is worried about me. And maybe having two people to discuss things with us better ?

Any advice? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

@saraclara
I agree.. Stunned by posters saying they are Drs and they can't see the breach in confidentiality
Plus the specialist saying let's have an informal chat over coffee is boggling lack of professionalism.

Personally I wouldn’t complain. What would just change drs. I agree it shouldn’t have happened but it really isn’t worth getting upset or falling out with people over, especially people that care about you.

If I've understood this correctly, you've got

a) patient sees a Doctor#1/a specialist (?)

b) Doctor #1/specialist does what doctors do and discusses a case with another doctor who they have a working relationship with/know is a good doctor and could be in a position to accept a referral.

It's a convention between specialists in particular, that they discuss first - to just refer with no warning/notice is regarded as extremely rude. (specialist to specialist referrals are somewhat different to the bog standard NHS GP-Hospital referral system, as are second opinions).

c) Doctor #2 when aware that the patient is actually a friend, being cognisant of the possible conflicts inherent in seeing a friend in a professional capacity, says 'I can have a chat to find out the most likely suitable path, but I'd need to refer them on to a colleague because of our personal connection and because my colleague may be more experienced/better at what the patient needs. The chat would enable me to identify which of my colleagues would be the appropriate specialist whom I trust most with a friend '.

d) Doctor #2 decides to contact friend and inform her of the situation, assuming that friend had known of the pre-referral discussion. Friend is then shocked because it's all a bit of a surprise.

e) Friend decides whether to see Doctor #2 with a view to being referred (and seen quickly, as favours tend to have that side effect) or not.

Or you have Doctor #1 knows you are friends, but Doctor #2 is still the best person for trusted and knowledgeable advice. #1 therefore speaks to them privately and discloses 'this is Patient, I know you know her as well, are you able to advise on the appropriate course anyway?' Doctor #2 says 'Of course, I can have a chat and then see who I need to talk to so that Patient can be helped best. Informally, as I don't want the referral myself because she's somebody I know and that can get a bit weird'

It's not the same as a gossip over the garden fence about 'You'll never guess who I had in today complaining about her piles!'. It's what doctors do; discuss patients/cases with a view to getting the most appropriate advice and knowledge for the patient.

If it's got to this point, maybe see if you can change your surgery?

she is happy to see me informally and chat over coffee and refer me professionally to one of her colleagues

If there was a 4 week waiting list, I can see how someone would offer their advice to alleviate any pressing concerns you would have, but why would she do that when she knows you've already got an appointment? It's the same thing and if you had wanted to chat to her, I'm sure you would have asked. My guess is that your friend knows this but is still overstepping your boundaries in order to be in the thick of it, as you say. Maybe part of her genuinely cares, but her nosy-parker side is getting the best of her in this situation and she's putting you is a awkward position by texting you like that.

Is your friend passive aggressive, btw? It might have been a very polite way of saying 'Don't think you can go behind my back like this because I'll find out anyway'.

You have no idea what the doctor you made an appointment with has said. I suspect your busybody friend has misrepresented herself. Go to the appointment and confirm what your busybody friend has been saying is true. If it true, then make an appointment with another Dr outside of your faith based community.

Given your small faith based community and your friend’s busy body tendencies it was incredibly naive to say anything to her in the first place. Lesson learned.