Would you class this as emotional abuse or am I just sensitive?

[pepperpot82]

Reflecting on my relationship, some things just don't sit right with me. I know it's my own autonomous decision on whether I am 'happy' with these things or not, but I am not sure if they are hallmarks of abuse or if I am just too sensitive...

• Name calling, sometimes in a 'joking' way. For example, DP will say things like 'you're a pain in the arse', 'you're annoying', in a joking fashion. Other times, during arguments, he will say things like 'you're behaving like a bitch/cunt'. I hate swearing and seldom would ever talk like that to him, and would never use language like the c word. He never calls me it directly, but says I am acting like a 'x'.

• He doesn't really take accountability for things. He will apologise and admit he did something wrong, but then follow it with 'but you did x to make my behaviour worse' or 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't of done x'. And he constantly uses the phrase, 'you had your part to play in it all too, it's not all me'.

• He will touch me in public, in a sexual way, even though I have told him not to and that I don't like it. Nothing too OTT, but things like quickly putting his hand down my trousers and grabbing my bum. He will also do this at night time - if I have said no to sex, and even sometimes if we have had sex, he will constantly pester me all night by trying to touch me, even if I repeatedly tell him no and to stop it and get pissed off. I end up having a terrible nights sleep.

• Recently, he has started to 'forget' that he has agreed to doing certain things or pretends he doesn't understand. For instance, he kept deleting WhatsApp conversations and lying about a certain friend of his, so when I found out he said he would be completely transparent and stop deleting his conversations with her. I then found out he'd deleted it and he said he 'regularly deletes conversations from his phone' (he doesn't as others remain, apart from hers) and then he said that he 'didn't realise he'd agreed not to delete the conversations at all, only that he wouldn't delete it if something that could upset me came up'.

Now that I've written it down, it's terrible isn't it...

Hands down your trousers in public OP?? Sorry but you need to get shut ASAP..

He's awful OP. You deserve much better.

Sorry OP. Just realised an earlier post of mine confused 2 threads (so my comment didn't make sense).

But the gist of it was still right - get rid.

Thank goodness you don't live together.

He's abusing you and it will get a whole lot worse if you move in with him.

My parents have a very toxic relationship, and whilst I can objectively see that there are elements of abuse, it is very difficult for me to not feel conflicted in my mind. Especially as my mum uses me as a confidant. I have tried to speak to my mum about not knowing the boundaries of a healthy relationship, and she says things like...

'All couples swear at each other and call each other names in arguments, and people who say they don't are liars.'

'Your dad used to do (insert abusive behaviour) we argued for years about it, he's improved with age.'

'Your dad is a narcissist / abuser, I could've done better if I'd have been brought up better, but we are soul mates.'

I hate the outwardly sexual behaviour in public, I've told him and also my body language clearly shows that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate the fact it doesn't seem like he can take no for an answer. I'm ashamed to admit, but sometimes I have had sex with him just to stop him pestering me all night and so I can get some sleep. He also does odd, sexual behaviours like grabbing my neck in inappropriate, non-sexual situations (I could just be walking past him for example, or folding the washing) forcibly kissing me, generally being very dominating which I also hate.

So sorry you're going through this. I know it's really hard but it isn't acceptable behaviour.

@pepperpot82

My parents have a very toxic relationship, and whilst I can objectively see that there are elements of abuse, it is very difficult for me to not feel conflicted in my mind. Especially as my mum uses me as a confidant. I have tried to speak to my mum about not knowing the boundaries of a healthy relationship, and she says things like...

'All couples swear at each other and call each other names in arguments, and people who say they don't are liars.'

'Your dad used to do (insert abusive behaviour) we argued for years about it, he's improved with age.'

'Your dad is a narcissist / abuser, I could've done better if I'd have been brought up better, but we are soul mates.'

I hate the outwardly sexual behaviour in public, I've told him and also my body language clearly shows that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate the fact it doesn't seem like he can take no for an answer. I'm ashamed to admit, but sometimes I have had sex with him just to stop him pestering me all night and so I can get some sleep. He also does odd, sexual behaviours like grabbing my neck in inappropriate, non-sexual situations (I could just be walking past him for example, or folding the washing) forcibly kissing me, generally being very dominating which I also hate.

You know this is very wrong, it's clear you know. It's also clear why you struggle with asserting yourself against it, given what you say about your parents. However, please now you have had it clearly highlighted by every single poster on this thread please find the courage and conviction to end it for good. I have a feeling he will try hard to make it difficult but you can and must do so. This man in bad for you and will also without any doubt be bad for your DC.

I'd leave him for the swearing alone. The rest is just more awfulness.

My dad swore at my mum a lot (among other abusive behaviour). In 25 years my DH has never called me a bitch or a cunt (or said I was acting like..) and I would be appalled if he did.

@pepperpot82

My parents have a very toxic relationship, and whilst I can objectively see that there are elements of abuse, it is very difficult for me to not feel conflicted in my mind. Especially as my mum uses me as a confidant. I have tried to speak to my mum about not knowing the boundaries of a healthy relationship, and she says things like...

'All couples swear at each other and call each other names in arguments, and people who say they don't are liars.'

'Your dad used to do (insert abusive behaviour) we argued for years about it, he's improved with age.'

'Your dad is a narcissist / abuser, I could've done better if I'd have been brought up better, but we are soul mates.'

I hate the outwardly sexual behaviour in public, I've told him and also my body language clearly shows that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate the fact it doesn't seem like he can take no for an answer. I'm ashamed to admit, but sometimes I have had sex with him just to stop him pestering me all night and so I can get some sleep. He also does odd, sexual behaviours like grabbing my neck in inappropriate, non-sexual situations (I could just be walking past him for example, or folding the washing) forcibly kissing me, generally being very dominating which I also hate.

I'm afraid your dm has simply accepted her abusive relationship with your df as normal. She is trauma bonded with him from years of abusive behaviour that any hint of positive behaviour from him is what keeps her in the relationship. This is absolutely not normal or healthy.

You do not have to accept this in a relationship either. What your "d"p doing is highly abusive and manipulative. He knows he is trampling all over your boundaries and isn't going to back off when you're uncomfortable, because he sees it as a challenge and will wear you down to acquiesce to him instead.

Do not be ashamed of giving in to him just because he won't take no for an answer. The shame is 100% on him. Men like this get off on watching women squirm and suffer.

Please get out now before it gets worse. Men like him do not change.

I haven't done the freedom programme myself but others have recommended it and you will learn and recognise the traits of an abusive or controlling person, and how to set and protect healthier relationship boundaries.

Your gut is right. Everything about this relationship is wrong which you know. Name calling, blaming you for his failings, not respecting your boundaries sexually and abusing them. That is not love is it?

You can have all the answers staring at you and still stay for a while. Because it's incredibly hard to give up when you are a decent kind hearted person. We try and see the good in people. We try and see why perhaps they are the way they are. The guy I left was depressed. An ex drinker. Knew exactly how to make me feel sorry for him. So I got used to him being rude to me. If I was on the phone and he didn't want to talk about something he would shut me down. Or say I'm not in the mood to talk after this sorry. I'll talk later. So I'll say yes that's fine I'll speak with you tomorrow ... He would say what??? What about the rest of the day? Are you just going to not bother talking to me because of this? Great thanks!!!

You shouldn't have to be letting him have sex with you so you can sleep. He can use his hand if he's that desperate.

Unfortunately mums don't always know best. My mum's late 60s and isn't very empathetic. She is not heartless but not much will bring her to emotion. She can be very difficult to talk to as she would say things like. Don't get involved. Leave it now. Which can be good advice. But sometimes you want her to acknowledge how something affects you. She also makes your problems about herself. So if she remembers that time your ex gave you hell she will focus on her being stressed because of me etc . So sometimes it's better to speak to someone else. Such as a good friend.

I was told to watch videos on narcassim. Or read up on it. It really educated me to the man I was with. I learned alot and enough to keep moving forward. I still have to read things 2 months on when I wobble. It's a slow process but one you can win. Prepare to feel low. Prepare to miss him. Prepare to remember the happy memories and think he was lovely in many ways. But keep finding ways to deal with it.

Self love and care. Talking to friends. Write everything down. Keep strong. Give yourself time. Good luck xx

Your Mum has failed you massively and hasn't taught you healthy boundaries. She can't see that as she is blinded by years of putting up with abusive behaviour and being the abuser of her child. You are not her confidant unless you permit yourself to be. You have choices here as did she. Don't raise your children to put up with shitty abusive behaviour. Block this idiot manchild from your life, you are doing it anyway as you don't seem to want him exposed to your precious children so you already know none of this is ok. Sort that out, get therapy for yourself and then look at all the crap you have been taught by your parents.

Also, just looking at the title of your thread, what idiot taught you that shit about you being too sensitive when you are staring in the face of blatant abuse? My parents also told me that I was too sensitive and I also have shit boundaries and tolerate all manner of shit. Or I have done. We need to wake up so we don't pass this on to our kids. This is a real crisis.

I had a good think and told him that I no longer want to be in a relationship with him. His reaction to me breaking things off was also alarming. At first, he said he was on his way to drive to mine if I didn't respond to him and tell him the reasons. So I explained to him, and he then said 'I should give him a chance to show me that he can make me happy'. He said he loved me, the DC, that he'd put a ring on my finger and have more DC with me to prove his love and commitment. Then said I had until the end of the weekend to change my mind, and said he thinks I will regret the decision so I better suck it up. I then blocked him. I feel relieved that it's over and I want to move on with my life, especially with life opening up a bit more now. Just hope he will calm down and leave me alone.

Well done OP!

Well done, OP. His reaction is typical. Why the hell would you want a ring on your finger and more DC with someone abusive?

If he turns up at your house, DON'T answer the door. Don't let him in.

Warn him that you will call the police if he doesn't go away and stop harassing you.

CALL the police if he doesn't leave immediately.

No conversation, no explanations. You've ended the relationship and you owe him nothing.

Well done! seriously, very well done! Watch your life and self esteem improve immensely now.

I'd advise changing the locks.

Don't answer the door to him. Police if he kicks off.

Hopefully though he'll leave you alone so you'll miss him and beg this prize of a man back (as if )

Well done. Keep strong. Mine came back for 3 days trying to get me to meet him. I scared him straight back off telling him I wanted serious answers before he would get anywhere near my life. when he did come back with his I never stopped loving you and I've felt like Sxxt since we stopped speaking I just felt nothing. It was his choice to shout, run away and block me. His choice to leave it three weeks. I got the last laugh because I chased him back away and said I was 100% done. It's the best feeling when you take back control.

Rings and babies. Can he not see you actually want him to be gentle. Loving. Kind. Honest.

It's like when mine sent me £30 perfume one weekend. I didn't really need it. I would have choosen someone honest who I could trust anyday. That's what I needed. Not to smell good.

Hope you are ok

His reaction is actually helpful because it shows that nasty side to you and reinforces your correct decision to break up with him. You weren't obliged to give him reasons so if he's dismantling those one by one - remember it IS enough to say "I just dont' want to be in a relationship with you anymore"

Look, nobody's relationship is perfect. OH would probably drive another woman mad with certain things he does but he's never called me a name - ever -, he's never groped me in public, (or in private unless he's checked I'm up for it) he's been absolutely fine with me not wanting sex on various occasions, and he is respectful. We fight over stuff, though it's rare, and we never would get abusive during a fight or the other would just walk straight out.

Your mother says if she was brought up better she would have had a better relationship - so what does that say about your upbringing with her as your parent and what she failed to teach you? We absorb so many relationship norms from our parents, and it took me years of wading through dickheads to shake off the norm that the man ruled the roost in all things and that the woman deferred to him for absolutely everything. You shouldn't have to wait years for a man to mellow into good behaviour, or accept abusive behaviour.

Do you think he'll come around to yours or turn up at your work?

Goodness me, the arrogance of him!

You did the right thing.

Good luck 💐

You don't have to justify to him why you're ending it. If one person wants out then it's over - being together is an agreement, breaking up isn't. Don't engage with him. Block. Change locks. Escalate to police if he gets pushy.

I will never find anyone that will love me as much as he does.

Classic line from the abuser playbook - that line's older than the pyramids.

He sounds verbally, sexually and emotionally abusive.

The bid gestures are a type of love bombing i suppose, when he knows you've had enough and he's being gotten rid. The middle of the night thing just shows how selfish he is .. no doubt you have with the next day and have to sort out kids.

The "you're lucky I'd take you on with kids, you'd struggle to find anyone else to .... " Hmmm. Well it's not true because people past their twenties often take in kids on new relationships every day of the week, but it also sounds quite abusive/derogatory/manipulative .. like everything else you've told us.

*work the next day

Don't ever have any children with this partner.

The sticking his band into your clothing/underwear and touching you up - while out and about .. and the unwanted touching in bed, very very disrespectful, pushy, sex pest-y, ignoring consent, treating you like an object etc. Suggests disturbing things about his character.