Dating and texting

[lucy5236]

Just wondered what everyone thinks of texting and OLD....I don't know if I'm being awkward and impossible to please or if there's anyone else like this.

I know how contradictory this sounds but I'm driving myself crazy......

How much do you text/message someone you're chatting to online before your first date??

I've had situations at both ends of the spectrum. I can chat to guys who only message once every couple of days or so. I always wish they'd text more often and I worry they're not that interested and playing games. How can you get to know someone without talking??

But then the last few days I've been chatting to someone and he's texting so much that I'm finding it a total turn off. I actually feel the need to respond is putting me off chatting to him altogether. For example, he messaged a lot when we first matched which didn't bother me so much but now it's putting me off. He'll text and I'll leave a couple of hours between replies and as soon as I've replied I get another text 3 minutes later and the cycle starts again! I was really busy over the weekend so text him in the morning explaining what I was doing all day but would reply properly later and I ended up feel guilty not replying.

I'm an independent woman, single mum, been single for most of the last 6 years and don't need a DP. So I know I could just tell this guy I'm not interested and I'm under no duty at all to constantly text.

However, my last 5 years of dating experience is that the guys who hardly text are generally less interested and/or players....so am I giving up on potentially good guys by being put off by constant texting?!
I feel like I'm sabotaging any chance of dating before we even meet but it's such a turn off, like makes me cringe inside?
Maybe if I meet him and we're into each other I'll be less bothered about the constant texting or will it get worse??

After arranging the date, not much. Maybe I’ll check in once a day with a quick message, but not always; on the afternoon of the day of the date I’ll confirm the arrangements, maybe exchange a handful of texts then. I don’t believe that texting is “talking” or getting to know somebody: you find out who somebody is when you actually meet them on the date, not through texting.

I only have so much capacity and patience for text table tennis. And I’d also be put off somebody who seemed to want to carry out endless conversations by text: it’s often difficult to manage their expectations and inevitably one of you ends up feeling resentful because it’s either too much or too little for your liking.

Be firm. Tell him you don’t have much time for text conversations. Don’t feel guilty for saying you’ll respond later and then responding later. He’s a stranger. Even if he weren’t, he has no right to monopolise your time.

Thanks @ComtesseDeSpair
That's the exact advice I'd give a friend, I just worry that my attitude and lack of patience will lead to me being single forever 😂

I'm supposed to be meeting this guy tomorrow and am already in 2 minds about going now.
Just makes it seem like so much more effort

I've never had any success with anyone who either texts constantly or who texts very sporadically. My online history is not the best but those that have worked out have been with people who just text 'normally'.

I liked to at least know if there was something there before I wasted my time meeting someone. On the other hand, I talked to someone for months, got emotionally invested and it ended up going nowhere and I got hurt. I met my husband after about a week of texts and calls. I'd say 2 to 4 weeks is ideal, unless you don't mind meeting different people and it not going anywhere. I had kids so I was a bit more selective than I would have been if I was child free because I just didn't have the desire to leave them to meet strangers unless I thought it had potential.

I'm going to be child free tomorrow anyway as my DS will be at his dads so it's not that big a deal to go out for a couple of hours to meet him.

It's the constant texting that turns me off. It's almost like I feel there's more pressure for us to get on for their to be more of a spark as he seems way too invested

Don't mean it in a big headed way at all as I've had guys that have shown much less interest to the point I gave up as I seemed more interested than them!

A 'normal' texted would be ideal - I've just not come across many of them online 😂

Good to know they do exist!

May I suggest It's more that you're not fussed by this guy than his texting.

@Limegreens possibly! I'd be quite happy if that was the case!
I've just had such bad luck with OLD dating over the years. My friends think I'm "sabotaging" things and looking for problems with every guy..... "it's not them, it's me" 😂

I think it's just bad luck 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I wondered if most people would find constant texting a turnoff or if it's just me!

If it's constant texting through the day I'd think haven they got a job?
I think a bit messaging in the evening is nice, then you know each other is looking forward to the date but as you say over texting and getting too invested can be a let down if you don't like each other on meeting.
Go with your gut instinct, it might be telling you that your already not that into him?

I've never understood the texting side of OLD. What exactly turns you off about the constant texting, does it feel like he is asking about your every move? Given he isn't someone you know this is a bit full on. He seems to be very keen to meet you or keep the contact going until you do. I can never get the texting right either i completely forget to write back or i've shared my whole life story waaaayy too soon. Curious to see how it goes when you meet...

The last one I texted every day, the texting was fairly equal too. Some days we texted more others were fairly quiet. I'm talking to a guy right now (with the intention of meeting up this weekend) and I haven't worked out what is the acceptable texting with him. The first guy was fairly intense and complicated though.

Go with your gut and don't listen to anyone else. Don't listen to friends trying to force you to be happy with a situation you're not happy with.

I've met guys online and I got out off with lots of texting. However when I met my now husband and we'd been on a few dates I loved getting messages from him and couldn't get enough.
Before meeting him I only wanted a few messages from him to agree on time and where we were meeting etc

I cancelled a date because he was annoying me constantly texting. I'd reply after a few hours and then he'd be straight on the texts, then started double texting if I didn't reply within half an hour. After he did that a few times I cancelled the date, If he is that demanding of a response quickly before a date, how on earth would he be in a relationship?!

@Naimee87 I've got no idea why i find the constant texting a turn off. I think that's part of my problem as I know it puts me off but i don't understand why.....

It's almost makes me feel like he's to keen or too eager to meet which makes me feel 'yuck' but I don't know why it does? That's why I was wondering if it was just me or if made other people feel the same.

He's not asking my every move, it's just small talk, how did you sleep? How was you morning? How's your day going? How's your afternoon been? Bla bla bla

Once I was dating someone I liked I'd be fine with more texting as long as I was feeling it but just now it just seems a bit over familiar for a stranger?

@anon12345678901

I cancelled a date because he was annoying me constantly texting. I'd reply after a few hours and then he'd be straight on the texts, then started double texting if I didn't reply within half an hour. After he did that a few times I cancelled the date, If he is that demanding of a response quickly before a date, how on earth would he be in a relationship?!

Exactly!!!!! That's why I thought about cancelling as surely it can only get worse?! But then maybe if I meet him and like him I'll like him texting? I think the problem is I've already made my mind up...

@seensome

If it's constant texting through the day I'd think haven they got a job? I think a bit messaging in the evening is nice, then you know each other is looking forward to the date but as you say over texting and getting too invested can be a let down if you don't like each other on meeting. Go with your gut instinct, it might be telling you that your already not that into him?

I wouldn't bother meeting up with anyone who is so narrow minded that they think everyone works M- F, 9-5.

@lucy5236
Everyone's normal is different. It's hard to find a good level. Maybe he's just a bit excited:nervous/anxious to meet you. Maybe he's a bit controlling & demanding but
I'd meet up with him, because you won't
Know until you get to know him
In person (unless the content of the messages is weird).

Unless it's the type of message that really needs a reply straight away, just leave it & reply when it suits you. Preferably when you have a bit of time for text tennis.

@Limegreens

Go with your gut and don't listen to anyone else. Don't listen to friends trying to force you to be happy with a situation you're not happy with.

I've met guys online and I got out off with lots of texting. However when I met my now husband and we'd been on a few dates I loved getting messages from him and couldn't get enough.
Before meeting him I only wanted a few messages from him to agree on time and where we were meeting etc

Good to hear it's works out some of the time!

I love when it's a new relationship and that excited feeling when you get a text etc but this is someone I've never met IRL and his name flashes up on my phone and I'm like "ffs" 🙄

Not a great start and I think I know the answer but I was worried I was writing off good guys on the basis this turned me off, especially if other ladies enjoy the attention and I'm in the minority...

I can understand that would make me question what he gets up to during his day? I imagine he does work though right. I would definitely say i am more a texter but i would feel i was annoying someone i didn't know with so many questions especially if they were slower to respond. I think good advice i heard on here is to match the other person in their txt-speak. Again curious to hear how it is when you meet, maybe you'll click and you'll be texting each other non-stop

He does work but in an office type job and he says he's quieter than usual while he's working from home.

Tbh I'm the same and I could be spending my time texting him instead of posting on here 😂 but I don't want to encourage it anymore and I don't have much to say just now tbh

My boyfriend and I met on Tinder and we had a first date after a few days and texted A LOT before, which I liked because it made me feel more at ease when I met him. I’m a big texter tho and we still text loads now - previous partners have been less into texting and that has annoyed me.

The thing is, his texts at that point were always exciting and interesting to read so I loved getting them. (I mean, not so much now - we text about all kinds of random boring minutiae at this point, 9 months in).

So I would say that if you aren’t loving (or at least liking) this guy’s texts, perhaps it is the content of the texts themselves, rather than simply the volume? Clearly he isn’t saying anything you are excited to read?

Probably worth meeting him tomorrow, if you are a loose end anyway and have got this far. You’ve got little to lose, and he may be better in person.....

If he's annoying you already then I'd leave it. I was with an OLD for 3 years, we'd text occasionally but email in evenings, but we fell into a between 8 and 9pm and no problem if the other wasn't around / online. We took about 6 weeks to meet! 10 years later I have just split up with my partner and an ex whom I used to be madly in love with is texting incessantly and asking when I'm up for a chat. If I reply it's me giving an inch and him taking a mile... Ive had to tell him to do one.

I guess if tomorrow is the date then why not go and see, but only if you're strong enough to walk and block if he's not the one for you. No softly softly here!

How soon do u exchange phone numbers ?? I have only started old a few weeks chatting a guy I would like to meet with but don’t want to give my number till I have meat him in person !! Is that right .

I always swapped numbers as soon as I realised I quite liked them. But I think many people wait till they have met. Whatever you feel comfortable with really.

Boyfriend and I swapped within about 6 messages, and about an hour of matching!

I met someone OLD and before we met for a first date we would chat every morning on the way to work. He was VERY eager to chat but I remember one morning he called while I was listening to the radio and I remember feeling irritated and I answered his call with exasperation and he could hear it in my voice. I knew then that I wasnt too keen on him (we couldn't meet up at the time as i was working weird hours) because any other guy that called me regularly like that I was ok with. but this one annoyed me. we did end up meeting and dating but he was always more into me than i was into him. Over time i would get annoyed if he called if was in the middle of watching a tv show - i'd rather watch that then talk to him lol

So i say go on the date but if you don't feel any chemistry just nip it in the bud and be done with him.

@lucy5236 When I make my mind up on someone I find it so hard to change, then they start annoying me. I just feel if someone doesn't answer within an hour, they're busy so leave them be until they answer. I can't do demanding men, I'm a single mum, haven't got the time

I'm the same @anon12345678901 but recently I've been wondering if I'm being too harsh and expecting too much.
When I was first single I'd been through a lot relationship wise and have worked hard to have healthy boundaries and I now worry I've gone too far!!

Part of what's annoying me is that he's not taking the hint. I'm not into playing games but I do tend to match a guys texting habits, e.g.
If he's not replying for a few hours I'll do the same so I don't seem OTT

I've lost track of how many times I've said "sorry, I've been really busy...", "sorry, I've not had a minute..." and then I get annoyed that I've apologised.

This morning he'd text me first thing asking me how I was. I'm a single mum getting a reluctant DS ready for school, getting myself ready for work, taking DS to school, walking the dog and had a 9am meeting.

I replied after the meeting just saying "sorry been rushing about this morning and had a meeting at 9am. Pretty much back to back all day but let's chat later"

3 mins later (not joking) i get back "no worries,
I had the school drop off to do this morning
too and now working but it's been quite chilled. Looking forward to speaking later, let me me know when you're free."

So I took that as he's done the same as me but had plenty of time to text. If I'd really wanted to I
would've had time but texting someone I've noticed met IRL isn't a priority.

Anyway, a couple of hours later, before lunchtime I got a "how's your morning going? not too busy I hope" After him saying to text him
when I'm less busy i got really pissed off.
Like he's demanding my attention - or am I interpreting this too harshly??