Dating and texting

[lucy5236]

Just wondered what everyone thinks of texting and OLD....I don't know if I'm being awkward and impossible to please or if there's anyone else like this.

I know how contradictory this sounds but I'm driving myself crazy......

How much do you text/message someone you're chatting to online before your first date??

I've had situations at both ends of the spectrum. I can chat to guys who only message once every couple of days or so. I always wish they'd text more often and I worry they're not that interested and playing games. How can you get to know someone without talking??

But then the last few days I've been chatting to someone and he's texting so much that I'm finding it a total turn off. I actually feel the need to respond is putting me off chatting to him altogether. For example, he messaged a lot when we first matched which didn't bother me so much but now it's putting me off. He'll text and I'll leave a couple of hours between replies and as soon as I've replied I get another text 3 minutes later and the cycle starts again! I was really busy over the weekend so text him in the morning explaining what I was doing all day but would reply properly later and I ended up feel guilty not replying.

I'm an independent woman, single mum, been single for most of the last 6 years and don't need a DP. So I know I could just tell this guy I'm not interested and I'm under no duty at all to constantly text.

However, my last 5 years of dating experience is that the guys who hardly text are generally less interested and/or players....so am I giving up on potentially good guys by being put off by constant texting?!
I feel like I'm sabotaging any chance of dating before we even meet but it's such a turn off, like makes me cringe inside?
Maybe if I meet him and we're into each other I'll be less bothered about the constant texting or will it get worse??

Try reading about avoidant attachment style OP and see if it rings any bells with you. It might explain the ick feeling if this is your way of relating.

you're already annoyed by him and you haven't met yet LOL so I think you should just tell him you're not interested.

I had one like this. He seemed great at first.. we made a plan to meet up but he completely killed it with inane over-messaging and I sacked it off before we ever met.

Generally speaking whoever texts more sees the other person as higher value than themselves. This is one of the reasons you're finding it off-putting and losing interest in him.

He does sound a little needy. He could of course just be bored, especially if he is WFH - I found that so tedious, I am sure I over-texted everyone loads!

Or he’s a bit insecure? Maybe he’s sensed you pulling away and doesn’t want to commit to the date if you don’t seem that bothered. (Not saying he’s ascertaining this in the healthiest way mind - but it’s the kinda thing I might do!)

It does sound like you may not be compatible, like. You could I guess meet him and just see how that goes? But if you’re proper put off by this stage, maybe don’t bother. For his sake as well as your own - he may have somebody else he could potentially meet instead.

Good luck OP whatever you decide. I’m sure you will quite easily meet someone who texts less than this guy - I could introduce you to loads of my exes for starters - the buggers never used to text! 🤣🤣🤦🏼‍♀️

Thanks @Lovelydiscusfish
I've dated plenty of guys that were rubbish texters....for some reason that keeps me more interested but the over texting gives me the ick.

Decided I should see how he is IRL. I think it's probably linked to the fact that I don't find "nicely nice" guys attractive. What I'm trying to figure out is if it's common to feel like this or if it's my issue?

@ThuggeryAffair

Try reading about avoidant attachment style OP and see if it rings any bells with you. It might explain the ick feeling if this is your way of relating.

Thanks @ThuggeryAffair I googled it and it's really interesting. There could be something in it too. Since I split with a long term (horrible) ex I've dated a lot and definitely prefer the bad guys. I dated someone for a year and ended it as he was lovely but just felt that something was missing but could never put my finger on it.

I'm not sure if it all rings true as although I'm independent and know I don't 'need' someone, I'd really love another LTR. Happy to share a life with someone and let them help, share support etc etc

I guess I was wondering if this was just me or if other people would feel similar with over-eagerness and constant contact...

I think most of us feel like that OP. I would perhaps still go on the date and see how you get on though.

Do you quite like how he looks on his photo's ? I did have a 'relationship' with one man who would text all the time really lovely morning messages and all through-out the day too. I loved it but we didn't live in the same country so it was our only means of contact really but after a few months it calmed down as we got more used to each other and work patterns. I also have a DS and a dog so know how busy you must be looking after everything on your own. I know it gets on my son's nerves when he's trying to tell me something and i'm just on my phone. The long distant thing didn't survive and the next guy was very very text-y but i didn't prioritize his messages or get the excitement i did nearly as much as the other one and it turned out there really wasn't any spark. I think his over available-ness did have a lot to do with me not finding him as exciting. I am a bit of a sucker though for chasing what i can't have or whats more difficult as opposed to making my life easy.

@lucy5236 actually it was my Dad who said i shouldn’t meet the guy as he said he could become a complete pest if we was like that before we even met. That kind of freaked me out a bit and I decided he was right (he is often right!) and I didn't want to take that risk.
You do have to think about these things I think.

HE was like that.. not we

I had an over texter too...it was a relief when I got rid of him.

Op, it’s the fact that he is too available that puts you off. Likewise, those rubbish testers as you say, look unavailable and you want deep down to be accepted by them. Unfortunately this is the case not just with relationships, or texting in general, it’s friendships as well. When you are too nice and too available, people tend to treat you badly. Funnily enough, since I’ve had it with people in general, I am not making any effort to be nice anymore, as I am going through a phase where I just want people to keep away. Guess what, some people just cannot stay away and seem to want even more to get closer to me. I suppose same thing happens to them, they just want to be accepted.
As for this guy, he may be genuinely nice or too needy. Either way, listen to your gut feeling.

It's not just you, too many texts is too keen, there's nothing more unattractive than too keen

When I was first single I'd been through a lot relationship wise and have worked hard to have healthy boundaries and I now worry I've gone too far!!

I did this too, and I also found myself apologising when I didn't reply to someone as quickly as they wanted. It was even pointed out to me by someone else, how much I apologise and how I really shouldn't. They reminded me the whole point of a text is to reply when you can, not feel rushed.

I can't be with someone whose far too eager, it makes me wary of them. I like exchanging a few messages but all day/every day is way too much for me. I've had to block men before because some do not like to be told no, actually I'm not interested.

I think maybe I'm just comfortabe on my own, Ideally I would like a man who texts but doesn't chase, has his own life,friends,hobbies to keep him busy etc. I just can't seem to find that

This is so true Miss Smiley.... and definitely something i'm gulity of. But it's so hard sometimes not to jump at the random messages you get after they suddenly go silent from someone you think you really like and that thought they liked you to. I am only just learning how to be more relaxed and get to messages when it suits me. Also sometimes getting too much of a text relationship going before having met can also make you think there is more there than there actually is and when you meet you get disappointed and it can be super awkward.

Thanks everyone!

@Naimee87 I think apart from over eagerness being a turn off for me, you're exactly right, it's almost like it turns it into feeling like a relationship before you've even met.

Expecting someone's constant attention and to be a priority feels like too much pressure at this stage. It's almost like it's been built up to the stage that if we meet up and there's no spark or attraction (on either side) I'll end up feeling guilty.

He wanted to go for a meal and drinks on Saturday and I already suggested a coffee tonight instead. I prefer stress free dates with no expectation on either side but i now feel he's expecting something to develop even though we've never met?

The whole thing makes me want to run a mile and it's partly the ick and partly the pressure I feel it creates.
Does that make any sense?

It definitely makes sense, looking forward to a date should be fun not pressured, I only meet for a quick drink without food for the first date, just incase if I don't like them Then you don't have to waste two hours over dinner with them! If you do like each other then it's a bonus and you can look forward to arranging another more serious date.
Please let us know how it goes.

I wonder if it’s not solely the volume of texts but also the content?

When I first met my boyfriend and we were texting loads, his texts were also incredibly interesting (to me). Some were very flirtatious (which I know puts some people off, but I loved it), some were really funny, some were about a shared interest we immediately discovered we had quite by accident, which isn’t something anyone else I know is that interested in, so it was fun to discuss, and kind of challenging too?

If he had texted me about boring random mundanity (as he does now - the last one he sent me was about something he had ordered on eBay - I was bored to tears before I even got half way through! But I’m just as bad now.....) then yes, it would have been off-putting.

Chemistry is a funny thing. I think you CAN even have it (or feel like you have it) before meeting someone. Their pics, the way they interact.....

Sometimes that comes to nothing of course. But whether it’s possible NOT to feel it at all over messaging, but then to feel it in person? I have no experience of this myself (boyfriend was my first and so far only Tinder date), but common sense suggests it must be?

Hi. I wouldn't necessarily write the guy off, but would definitely have a casual chat about boundaries and not wanting/needing constant communication. A friend of mine has just done that with the guy she's seeing, and now that he has calmed down a bit, she's found that she actually likes him more!

I'm dealing with this right now!!

I've been so disappointed by lame unenthusiastic texters...now this guy comes along and I hate it!

It feels unreasonable that I expect someone to have the magic perfect balance of texting and peace, as like a pp said, everyone's normal is different.

But the ick can be real and this guy just feels weird to me like maybe he's on the rebound... And Internet stalking showed me his bday is around the corner, so I wonder if he's trying to secure a girlfriend in time for his birthday

Good luck with your date!! You never know!

Thanks everyone! That's me back. Wasn't a complete disaster. He seems like a genuinely lovely guy but was really keen/eager in person too and it almost felt like he was trying too hard to impress. It was almost over familiar in that he was acting like we knew each other better than we did.

Maybe some people would like that but it doesn't feel genuine to me and the feeling of him trying to rush into things seems like a big of a red flag??!

I guess it's each to their own as others may like this! In fact I've had it once or twice myself (but rarely) and I guess it's less of a turn off when you're really feeling it too?

@Lovelydiscusfish I think you're right that it's the content of the texts.
We've only been texting for a week and each day I get:
How did you sleep?
How's your morning going?
How's your afternoon going?
How was your day?
What are you watching?

I actually feel my answers are boring too as there's only so much I can say. Plus in the nicest possible way I don't know what my close friends and family eat for lunch everyday but I'm getting updates like this from a virtual stranger 🤦🏽‍♀️

Sorry, I feel like I'm being a bitch now as he was a lovely 'nice' guy but I just don't think we're suited.

Thanks for all your thoughts tho!

@Bbub I'm exact same!!!
You'd think a happy medium would be easy but as you and PPs have said, that will look different for everyone which is maybe why it's so hard!

The generic questions and the volume of them remind me of a couple of guys I briefly dated who I realised just wanted 'a girlfriend' and weren't horrible or anything but also were projecting onto me what being 'a good boyfriend' meant. So being what they thought was attentive and complimentary but as it was too much, too soon, it felt forced and inauthentic.

I realised they wanted a girlfriend to the point they weren't actually trying to get to know me as a whole person, they just wanted someone to play the role and put on a pedestal. I think it was subconscious on their part, but it gave me the massive ick and actually made me feel a bit objectified as it felt such a synthetic way of dating.

Anyway, I might be projecting myself but if any of that is familiar (is it?) I would say to put them out of their misery and move on.

Some people are happy with that dynamic but it gave me the ick and sounds like it would give you it too. It made me cringe at points and the more I pulled away the more coveted they seemed to think I was and would come on stronger which after a while felt like they weren't respecting my boundaries.

I got the whole 'this is proof women don't actually want nice guys' bullshit from one of them who turned nasty remarkably quickly when I was honest and said I didn't feel it was the right fit.

I do want a nice guy, I'm with a nice guy now - who I'm relaxed with, got to know organically and as equals at a healthy and mutual pace, loves me for me and didn't just want an identikit girlfriend working to an identikit schedule.