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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you stay friends with him?

63 replies

tinysundancer · 04/05/2021 16:21

I was dating someone for 8 months - there was always a gut feeling that I was not 'exclusive'. Things went quiet for 2 months and I saw photos of him and his new partner on social media - which was a horrid way to find out.
He has sent a message to let me know he has met someone else but loves my company and wants to still see me as a friend and my daughter when he has his daughter. I don't think I can do this as I still have feelings for him, I feel he made a fool of me and was deceitful and dishonest. I ended up sending a message saying it would not be fair on his new partner as he should spend time with her and her children building on their relationship and memories.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 04/05/2021 16:27

Oh I wish you hadn't sent that. A friend of mine was in the same boat and wrote to her ex, "Yeah I can see why you'd want to be friends, but I don't want to."

seensome · 04/05/2021 16:31

I think you sent the best response, being friends doesn't work in this situation and can understand you feeling hurt, he probably just wants to make himself feel better about it.

category12 · 04/05/2021 16:31

Yeah, you were too nicey-nicey. He basically ghosted you and went off with someone else. I'd have ignored or told him to fuck the fuck off.

He's not a friend. Never was.

Maggiesfarm · 04/05/2021 16:34

You did the right thing. He is wanting to have his cake and eat it though I don't doubt that he does like you.

I'm so sorry you have been hurt. It will pass in time and there will be more genuine men in the future.

Wanderlusto · 04/05/2021 16:36

I think you did the right thing.

I would have been tempted to just say 'thanks but no thanks'

Original poster

tinysundancer · 04/05/2021 16:38

I think he was just bull shitting about the friend thing to make himself feel better - If I had agreed to spend time with him as a friend I would have been waiting around for him to suggest meeting up which I doubt he would have ever done which would have been just cruel. It would have given my daughter and his mixed messages also.
He was not a friend and will never be - I am sure he will not reply and is sighing a breath of relief that he won't have to contact me again but if he does I will ignore him - feel so hurt though.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 04/05/2021 16:45

He's very obviously lining you up for a potential FWB thing if things don't work out with the new woman - or possibly even if they do. Nah, I'd not be putting up with that either.

Happycat1212 · 04/05/2021 17:19

Why would you? But then I’ve never stayed friend with an ex

Original poster

tinysundancer · 04/05/2021 17:21

@edwinbear you could be right - maybe that was all I was anyway a FWB? Strangely he had a 'friend' that he used to see and stay over night - stating his daughter was friends with her daughter but it was a red flag to me and I did not feel comfortable with the set up. I really think he is that arrogant that he thought he could keep me on the side lines ...just in case.

OP posts:

Mermaidwaves · 04/05/2021 17:24

To be clear he didn't end things with you respectfully, he ignored you and went off with someone else? The gall of some men astound me! He wants to keep you around as an option, if he cared about you in any way he would have ended things with you in a decent manner. No, do not remain friends with him in any way at all, he treated you badly.

Original poster

tinysundancer · 05/05/2021 08:43

Another message last night that he has spoken to his new partner and she is 'fine' with us being friends - I don't believe he has even mentioned me to her. I have not replied as there is nothing more to say other than he needs to invest his time in the woman he has chosen to be in a relationship and that is not me !

OP posts:

Coronawireless · 05/05/2021 08:49

You sound dignified and lovely. Your instincts are correct.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/05/2021 08:50

Ok - shall we see if we can come up with a suitably amusing reply. (No obligation to send but fun!)

My turn:-

“Ok - this is awkward. To be honest I was just trying to let you down gently. With lockdown ending I have so many friends I desperately want to see and spend time with that I don’t really have time for an extra. All the best!”

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 08:52

@tinysundancer

I would not dignify that with a response. I'd completely ghost him, block everywhere. What a cunt.

category12 · 05/05/2021 08:55

"Well that's nice and all, but I don't want to continue contact. Have a nice life." and block.

OrchestraOfWankery · 05/05/2021 08:56

I'd block him now. Complete closure and he can't keep pestering.

Wanderlusto · 05/05/2021 08:59

I had a feeling he would want to have his cake and eat it. He probably wants you for 'narcissistic triangulation' (when they play 2 women off against eachother, attempting to make them both feel like they aren't enough for him).

He's not a friend. Friends treat their friends with respect and decency. He has done neither.

He is probably so up himself that he never considered that he wouldn't be able to string you along for his table scraps.

Be very aware that he may show up again a few months from now claiming they are over and he made a mistake and misses you bla bla. He will still be looking to bounce back and fourth between you two (because they had an argument or she sussed him out or he is currently in the devalue phase with her) Or to treat you as a stopgap again.

Might be wise to block the git.
Well done for keeping your dignity and just ignoring the prick.

Lol 'shes fine with it' hahaha my arse she is.

Original poster

tinysundancer · 05/05/2021 09:16

Thank you all for your lovely messages and using the word 'dignity' that is exactly what I want to keep - I could have ranted and raved but that is not a good trait.
The arrogance of his text - am I supposed to be honored that his partner is allowing us to spend time together! As if!!
Wanderlusto you have hit the nail on the head - I think this is narcissistic triangulation as when I was with him he had another 'female friend' who he spoke about constantly playing us off against each other. He is probably really pissed off that I am not playing along with his narcissistic ways and not boosting his ego. I also have to protect my teenage daughter - I can't have him popping in and out of our lives as and when he pleases
I think he will re appear in a few months saying he made a mistake - having a partner and working with her could be a recipe for disaster ! Lets hope so.

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 09:19

@tinysundancer

Thank you all for your lovely messages and using the word 'dignity' that is exactly what I want to keep - I could have ranted and raved but that is not a good trait. The arrogance of his text - am I supposed to be honored that his partner is allowing us to spend time together! As if!! Wanderlusto you have hit the nail on the head - I think this is narcissistic triangulation as when I was with him he had another 'female friend' who he spoke about constantly playing us off against each other. He is probably really pissed off that I am not playing along with his narcissistic ways and not boosting his ego. I also have to protect my teenage daughter - I can't have him popping in and out of our lives as and when he pleases I think he will re appear in a few months saying he made a mistake - having a partner and working with her could be a recipe for disaster ! Lets hope so.

He can only do that if you don't block and delete him.

MrsMaizel · 05/05/2021 09:33

When they say this they mean they still want to fuck you on occasions.

Original poster

tinysundancer · 05/05/2021 09:37

@MrsMaizel yep I think you are right ....vile ...keep the DIGNITY and RESPECT for myself

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 05/05/2021 09:40

delete and block

Sounds like he is playing a sick game like he did with the other "friend" and her daughter.

delete and block

Original poster

tinysundancer · 05/05/2021 09:49

I was actually doing really well mentally - I had to do some detective work on face book when he ghosted me and found out for myself that he was with someone else when I saw the photos of them loved up. Now that he has messaged me to 'let me know' things have been a bit 'crazy' lately and he has become an item with his secretary but still wants to stay friends and spend time with me has put me back mentally - the arrogance of his message that he was cheating behind my back but would like to friends makes me feel sick - will block him for sure

OP posts:

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 05/05/2021 09:57

Oh please send @Mumoftwoinprimary's response before blocking! You'll feel so much better for it!

BingBunnyIsAnnoying · 05/05/2021 10:00

Forget him and move on op

He showed his true colours, don't let him take advantage of your kind nature

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