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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you stay friends with him?

63 replies

tinysundancer · 04/05/2021 16:21

I was dating someone for 8 months - there was always a gut feeling that I was not 'exclusive'. Things went quiet for 2 months and I saw photos of him and his new partner on social media - which was a horrid way to find out.
He has sent a message to let me know he has met someone else but loves my company and wants to still see me as a friend and my daughter when he has his daughter. I don't think I can do this as I still have feelings for him, I feel he made a fool of me and was deceitful and dishonest. I ended up sending a message saying it would not be fair on his new partner as he should spend time with her and her children building on their relationship and memories.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 05/05/2021 10:06

I vote for 'no thanks, my friends have honour and decency. You have neither so don't qualify'.

But tbh just not replying is a good enough 'fuck you' to him.

seensome · 05/05/2021 10:33

Your instincts of this man op are spot on
Can't believe the cheek of him still trying it on, his poor gf, I also agree I bet she's completely unaware and I doubt she would be happy for him carry on being friends with someone else he dated so close to or at the time as her.
He wants his gf and a fwb, good for you to see the light and bin him off.

Original poster
tinysundancer · 05/05/2021 10:51

@Wanderlusto
vote for 'no thanks, my friends have honour and decency. You have neither so don't qualify'.

But tbh just not replying is a good enough 'fuck you' to him.

ha ha like it !!

OP posts:
Conkergame · 05/05/2021 10:56

You have absolutely nothing to gain by staying in touch with him. Please block him and move on!

MommySharkDooDooDooDoo · 05/05/2021 10:59

I think you've done much better to keep your dignity op! You did a polite fuck off. Keep it up! He sounds like such a twat and definitely wants you around to keep his new partner on her toes Hmm. Areshole.

Myrrfect · 05/05/2021 11:08

I wonder if in a few months his secretary will find him going quieter.... and then get the same almost irresistible offer?

What an absolute dick! I’m so sorry OP why people are like this n what they get out of it I do not know

You sound lovely though and karma will bless you Smile I’m sure

Original poster
tinysundancer · 05/05/2021 11:27

Well she is 15 years younger so maybe she will out grow him! Perhaps he is having a mid life crisis. I don't think he will stay faithful for long to be honest and I won't be there to pick up the pieces

OP posts:
Veronika13 · 06/05/2021 02:17

I would have replied exactly the same. I take the high ground and never regret it.

I don't swear, send long messages, try to get them to 'see if from my point of view' etc.
I just I just say 'all the best', smile and remove all trace of them.

Well done, you, it must really hurt but he's not the person you thought he was. It will get better x

MadMadMadamMim · 06/05/2021 02:42

I agree that you handled this with grace and dignity.

I would not respond again in any way to him. It will annoy him more than anything else will, and you have the satisfaction of knowing you gracefully declined his offer to stay friends and he persisted.

Much more power in silence.

jannyapple · 06/05/2021 06:40

@tinysundancer I think you have reacted perfectly and done well to maintain your dignity and sanity , as well as being realistic about this situation
I'd just ignore him - that would drive him mad ! Move on girl , plenty more fish in the sea !

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/05/2021 07:29

How about

Great I look forward to meeting you both. Next Wednesday ok with you guys?

Or

I've thought about it and actually I don't wish to remain friends with you on account of you bring a narcissistic liar. Cheerio!

Or

Oh dear. Haven't you heard the phrase 'don't poke the payroll?' Anyway, all the best!

Of course you should actually delete snd block and be glad you had a lucky escape from this arsehole. You can do better than that Thanks

Lovelydiscusfish · 06/05/2021 07:52

You sound fab OP! He’s a dick. Keep on ignoring him. Or tell him he has a tiny cock and that you faked it every time. (This was what my male friend advised me to say when my ex dumped me. I didn’t, but I found it very tempting).

Plenty more fish in the sea! Xxx

Original poster
tinysundancer · 06/05/2021 08:45

Thank you for all of your lovely supportive comments and you have made me giggle this morning with your suggested responses - first time I have smiled in days!! Now I have digested your comments of support and what he has done I would not want to give him the time of day - it is disgusting what he has done and does not deserve my company or companionship. Narcissism was mentioned and I have done some reading on this - he surrounds himself with ex girlfriends (god help them for being so forgiving) and always boasted about seeing them/speaking to them - clearly he needs his ego boosting. I think silence speaks a thousand words and to be honest I do not have the energy to explain my feelings as he would not understand - being a narcissist. He sent another message but I have not opened it up (all messages always on whats app ) which annoys me as they know you have read them - it will be full of rubbish lies and not even worth looking at ( again a polite way of saying F off !!)
Going to give my self some time to heal - not looking for another relationship any time soon. You all sound so lovely and thank you for taking the time to reply x

OP posts:
Original poster
tinysundancer · 06/05/2021 09:01

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor
Love your suggestions I am laughing - especially the one about 'don't poke the payroll' oh dear how embarrassing having to admit to me that he has been messing around with his secretary - it is actually really sad and sleazy

OP posts:
Veronika13 · 06/05/2021 09:11

You can change your settings in WhatsApp so blue tick always stays grey - I have that and people never know if I've read their messages.
And vice versa I never know if my messages have been read, either. Suits me Smile

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/05/2021 09:30

I'd show it as blue tick read but not reply to him, will drive him mad 🙂

Best to block him really though

MrsMaizel · 06/05/2021 09:30

The best response to men like this is none as they absolutely hate that you are not thinking about them .

Original poster
tinysundancer · 02/06/2021 08:57

An update on the situation
So he has moved in with this lady he was seeing behind my back - with his daughter and her two kids. Her husband left and he moved in straight away.
He still has his rented house/office 6 doors away from me where he works - his new partner works for him so they are together 24/7
She drives around in his sports car and it is destroying me to see them together. I struggle to leave the house incase I see them.
He has not been in touch again about 'staying friends' and I doubt he had any intention to stay as friends any way - it was just to pacify the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinysundancer · 15/06/2021 10:29

@Wanderlusto

Be very aware that he may show up again a few months from now claiming they are over and he made a mistake and misses you bla bla. He will still be looking to bounce back and fourth between you two (because they had an argument or she sussed him out or he is currently in the devalue phase with her) Or to treat you as a stopgap again.

So you were right he sent a message last night asking if we can meet up for a 'catch up' - I have spent the last 2 months seeing him parade around with the woman he was cheating on me with - what do I reply ? Or no reply ?

OP posts:
OnTheSafeSide · 15/06/2021 12:05

Fantastic! This is the perfect time to block the shite out of him - a no nonsense fuck you response, excuse my crudeness!

notsogreenthumb · 15/06/2021 12:30

Ignore. Block. Delete. Smack a fake 'I'm so happy for you in your showy sportscar' smile, give a 'good riddance, poor you' nod at the gf and move on. Eventually you'll fake it till you make it and feel no embarrassment or awkwardness or whatever it is that you feel when seeing them around.

I think you know his worth OP and I'm surprised you haven't blocked him yet xx

OccaChocca · 15/06/2021 12:48

Well, doesn't he sound lovely?!

I would send one message then stop engaging. Tell him you have moved on and don't wish to be friends then block him.

You don't need this sort of person in your life. If you have feelings for him you will always be thinking 'what if'. Best not to even go there. Just cut your losses and move on. There will be someone much better out there for you.

Treacletoots · 15/06/2021 12:54

No response is a perfectly good response OP. Either that or a 'not a fucking chance in hell, thanks' depending on your mood

Lan2020 · 15/06/2021 13:30

He's not a friend. He a lying, selfish cheat.

Aprilx · 15/06/2021 13:40

No response is the best response. Even a polite decline will give him the opportunity to open up dialogue.