Marriage over at 50- talk me down that this isn’t a complete disaster.

[Tempnamelady]

Sorry it’s a long one.
I’ve checked in and out of here over probably the past 10 years . Married 24 years , one adult DS albeit still a uni student living at home.
DH over the years has been shouty, selfish ( think prioritising pub time over family time), in recent years a porn type addiction has come to light plus he’s had at least three incidences of MH issues which he has berated me for not being supportive over. One of these was a couple of years back culminating in him feeling unable to accompany me on a much awaiting trip abroad which I cancelled, but then he spent every night at the pub ‘it made him feel better’. I must admit I felt like something died in me then, it was Xmas and I spent nearly very night of 10 days off work on my own.
I’ve always been a put up with it kind of person, my priority was at all costs keeping the family unit together. It’s not been all bad, and Ive kind of found my main happiness elsewhere with friends , hobbies and a successful career ( if that doesn’t sound odd) and we’ve rubbed along for the most part.
Fast forward to lockdown which was absolutely hideous if I’m honest , without his outlet of the pub he was morose, shouty, drinking too much at home and just generally not great and some of the porn stuff came to light which he was very secretive above and minimised , whilst he speaking to a counsellor he never really spoke to me about it and if I’m honest I find it a bit disturbing.
The upshot of all this is that I got to the point where I was so unhappy, that I’ve had an affair ( I know an absolute cardinal sin on here and the reason why I haven’t posted thus far), with a work colleague from another office who I have become close to over a number of years . He is divorced and I have confided in him in the past about some of my marriage issues. We worked out fairly quickly that it was serious between us, he’s a lovely supportive kind man and has really stepped up for me. We did discuss me leaving my husband but in the meantime he found out about us anyway. I feel terrible as DH has been in a state since, drinking heavily and taking anti depressants etc ( which he has done in the past during the MH periods).

I’ve left the family home and I’m renting a flat where I’ve been for a couple of months , though I am returning to do housework and bring shopping to DH and DS. He’s already putting the pressure on about needing more of the proceeds of the house if that’s what happens so that he can remain in the expensive area we live in. Luckily I’m a fairly good earner and can manage my contribution to the family home plus my rent and bills.
I’ve had some pretty major wobbles if I’m honest . I think I could have a happy future with the man I have been having an affair with but I’m racked with guilt about what I’ve done to DH, worried about the practicalities of making a new life. I have debated going back, my life wasn’t awful, we had no money worries and a very good lifestyle . I’m not cut out for living on my own, I never saw myself to be in this position at 50 and I just don’t know what the future looks like. I’m a person who thrives on order and routine and I’m sitting here in a flat on my own thinking , have I just made a complete balls up of my life, should I have just gritted my teeth and got on with it? I’m not looking for sympathy , I know I’ve done an awful thing having an affair but I’m just so worried about the future, my relationship with DS and how DH will cope without me.
Am I a horrible person who deserves everything I get?

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Firstly good on you for the affair, I for one do not blame you but secondly WTAF are you doing going back to do house work and paying all the bills????? Stop that crap now, it's the absolute worst of female behaviour - men NEVER DO THIS they just bugger off with the OW and you never see them again.!!! Stop being a doormat, stop doing housework, the two men are adults not babies! They should be able to do their own housework. Get the divorce started, take your half as you are more than entitled to do so, buy a new house where your son can come and live with you and ditch the abuser. He has fucked up your relationship and you are NOT responsible for the rest of his life. For fucks sake, you are a professional high earner and you are acting like a maid, a doormat and a slave to two adult men. Get some self respect.

I really agree with this.

Years of misery with him.

His MH seems bloody fine that his sole concern is screwing you financially.

Leave the two men to it and do not hand over your hard earned money to this selfish, nasty piece of work.

You are well rid.

Get a good solicitor and don't give him a penny more than is fair.

You deserve happiness.
Get a good therapist and move on.
Your son will hopefully come around.
Is he really so obtuse not to have seen how miserable your marriage was like or his he carved out of his father?

You need to have a life.
24 years is enough to give to him.

Affair isn't the most elegant way out of a miserable marriage and it is a mistake in that sense. It is an unhealthy / desperate way of dealing with a horrible situation that your unhappy marriage was. The affair means that your marriage is over and it also means that your divorce will be more messy than it otherwise might have been - that's the price you pay for the affair. Leaving all your savings and assets to your ex is really not an appropriate price to pay for the mistake you've made - that's a reaction driven by the misguided guilt which will subside in time as you recover from abusive relationship but in the meantime, until you're better, just try not to make any rushed decisions without legal advice.

The major issue with affairs in the case of someone such as yourself is that it allows these assholes to then think they have the moral high ground. So you have done this one Very Bad Thing which in their eyes - and in some other peoples eyes - means their 100s of bad things stretching back years are conveniently forgotten. And you are absolutely right that a streak of good old fashioned mysogyny comes into play too. How very dare you actually take some agency in your own life and not continue to suck it up like a good little wife and mother. Stick to the close friends that know the score and please try and ignore the rest, more often than not it's more about the person themselves and not your situation at all. When I left my husband, I had every reaction under the sun and many of the more extreme ones on either end of the spectrum (I'm thrilled for you! Or this is a terrible thing you've done) were because that person had a very personal reason for having that perspective. Most kind, sensible, balanced people who know you and know the score will support you or keep their opinions to themselves. I wont tell you your life is going to be rosey, because I think is life is bloody hard a lot of the time anyway, but you can have peace, your own space, maybe a nice relationship. But I would focus on your friendships, old and new. They are priceless, I would keep the men for fun for now

Honestly, I don't think you did anything wrong by having an affair when your husband is a miserable, nasty git and you are unhappy. Marriage doesn't mean you are obliged to sacrifice yourself and your happiness for the other person regardless of how they behave. It would be different if you had affairs all along or even when your husband was behaving well (if that ever was the case) or acted out of callousness or disregard for him. You are both grown ups and you are not responsible for his mental well being. I agree with everyone above who says don't let your guilt outweigh everything and make you feel you have to make it up to your husband by giving him money and your labour which is has no entitlement to.

OP please do not take a penny less than 50% of everything. Also, make sure your husband doesn’t clear out bank accounts or in other ways dispose of / hide assets.

In your shoes I would consider going to live in your family home while the divorce and financial settlement are going through.

I’m divorced and the switch in thinking in terms of having to protect myself was a weird one, but I had the help of a lovely lawyer and needed it as my ex was difficult, unpleasant and manipulative. Whereabouts are you in the country? If anywhere in or near London I could pass you her details.

@devastating thanks but I’m not near London.

@Tempnamelady Again I’m not trying to get into a man vs woman argument , but I’m definitely getting an impression that a lot of our mutual friends and even some of my own feel slightly affronted that a woman can take the decision to have an affair and move out, but would not look as badly on a man doing the same.

Perhaps you know some strange people.

Most people i know think that having an affair makes you a shit, regardless of whether you, or your partner, are male or female.

If you could move out after having an affair, you could have moved out before having one.

Everyone involved in this should take a long hard look at themselves. Seems like you're all convinced that you're wonderful decent people, hard done by others.

[quote ChairmansReserve]**@Tempnamelady* Again I’m not trying to get into a man vs woman argument , but I’m definitely getting an impression that a lot of our mutual friends and even some of my own feel slightly affronted that a woman can take the decision to have an affair and move out, but would not look as badly on a man doing the same.*

Perhaps you know some strange people.

Most people i know think that having an affair makes you a shit, regardless of whether you, or your partner, are male or female.

If you could move out after having an affair, you could have moved out before having one.

Everyone involved in this should take a long hard look at themselves. Seems like you're all convinced that you're wonderful decent people, hard done by others.[/quote]
And most people I know know that life is complicated, people are flawed and that having an affair might be a shitty thing to do (not uniquely shitty eirher and one of many ways in which people can do wrong to one another), but it doesn't make you a shit. Thank God I know less judgemental people than you.

What's done is done.
In an ideal world you would have left before you had an affair. In an ideal world your husband wouldn't be an emotionally abusive drunk.
The past is a foreign country.
What matters now is the future. Your relationship with your son and a fair financial settlement.
I think your son will come round eventually. Just keep in touch, keep the lines of communication open. If he decides to talk to you about what happened, admit you know your behaviour wasn't what you wish it had been. Explain that your marriage wasn't easy and that you and his dad had been unhappy for many years and that deep down you reckon his dad knows that too as he didn't seem like a happy person either.
As for money 50/50 is fair. I would say that his emotional abuse balances the affair so it's pretty even.
Get a good solicitor and get things moving.
Fgs stop babying your ex. He's a grown man and you owe him nothing.
Please get on with your life and live it for yourself now.

It sounds as if the marriage has only lasted so long because you have put up with and ignored things. It sounds like a pretty horrid relationship and you wouldn't have had an affair if things had been okay. Don't beat yourself up about that.

You're in a difficult spot at the moment but things will get easier. I would keep moving forward personally. New man has showed you what is possible. How nice that you have met someone so supportive.

Please stop going back to do the housework!

Just wondering why I am not allowed to tell a poster they have issues but they are allowed to call people 'shits.'

(wanders off wondering if the person I said had issues reported me whilst not reporting themself for calling people 'shits')

@musingloud

Just wondering why I am not allowed to tell a poster they have issues but they are allowed to call people 'shits.'

(wanders off wondering if the person I said had issues reported me whilst not reporting themself for calling people 'shits')

I was wondering what happened there @musingloud. For what it's worth, I agree with you and strongly suspect it is very personal for that person.