Marriage over at 50- talk me down that this isn’t a complete disaster.

[Tempnamelady]

Sorry it’s a long one.
I’ve checked in and out of here over probably the past 10 years . Married 24 years , one adult DS albeit still a uni student living at home.
DH over the years has been shouty, selfish ( think prioritising pub time over family time), in recent years a porn type addiction has come to light plus he’s had at least three incidences of MH issues which he has berated me for not being supportive over. One of these was a couple of years back culminating in him feeling unable to accompany me on a much awaiting trip abroad which I cancelled, but then he spent every night at the pub ‘it made him feel better’. I must admit I felt like something died in me then, it was Xmas and I spent nearly very night of 10 days off work on my own.
I’ve always been a put up with it kind of person, my priority was at all costs keeping the family unit together. It’s not been all bad, and Ive kind of found my main happiness elsewhere with friends , hobbies and a successful career ( if that doesn’t sound odd) and we’ve rubbed along for the most part.
Fast forward to lockdown which was absolutely hideous if I’m honest , without his outlet of the pub he was morose, shouty, drinking too much at home and just generally not great and some of the porn stuff came to light which he was very secretive above and minimised , whilst he speaking to a counsellor he never really spoke to me about it and if I’m honest I find it a bit disturbing.
The upshot of all this is that I got to the point where I was so unhappy, that I’ve had an affair ( I know an absolute cardinal sin on here and the reason why I haven’t posted thus far), with a work colleague from another office who I have become close to over a number of years . He is divorced and I have confided in him in the past about some of my marriage issues. We worked out fairly quickly that it was serious between us, he’s a lovely supportive kind man and has really stepped up for me. We did discuss me leaving my husband but in the meantime he found out about us anyway. I feel terrible as DH has been in a state since, drinking heavily and taking anti depressants etc ( which he has done in the past during the MH periods).

I’ve left the family home and I’m renting a flat where I’ve been for a couple of months , though I am returning to do housework and bring shopping to DH and DS. He’s already putting the pressure on about needing more of the proceeds of the house if that’s what happens so that he can remain in the expensive area we live in. Luckily I’m a fairly good earner and can manage my contribution to the family home plus my rent and bills.
I’ve had some pretty major wobbles if I’m honest . I think I could have a happy future with the man I have been having an affair with but I’m racked with guilt about what I’ve done to DH, worried about the practicalities of making a new life. I have debated going back, my life wasn’t awful, we had no money worries and a very good lifestyle . I’m not cut out for living on my own, I never saw myself to be in this position at 50 and I just don’t know what the future looks like. I’m a person who thrives on order and routine and I’m sitting here in a flat on my own thinking , have I just made a complete balls up of my life, should I have just gritted my teeth and got on with it? I’m not looking for sympathy , I know I’ve done an awful thing having an affair but I’m just so worried about the future, my relationship with DS and how DH will cope without me.
Am I a horrible person who deserves everything I get?

Gif you dh sounds vile. Get a solicitor and divorce him. Don't give him a bigger percentage of the proceeds just because you feel guilty. Tbh I'm not usually one to justify an affair but in the circumstances I can't actually blame you.

Baby steps with your ds, he'll come round. Also stop shopping and cleaning for them both. They are grow adults abs can fend for themselves

Don't agree with ending a marriage by having affairs as my childhood was blighted by promiscuous DM and she would blame my DDad for her behaviour which was partly true as he was no walk in the park. However, I can't see any point in berating you but I would say that rebuilding trust and your relationship with with your DS is the priority here. You say he has sided with your husband. That gulf can get wider and become permanent if you don't try to sort this out.

My DM never apologised or bothered to consider our feelings and as a result is estranged from all three of her children. She denies some really unsavoury behaviour in front of us. My youngest sister ended up adopted by my dad's new wife it affected her so badly. If my mother had just once accepted how she had hurt and affected us it would have made all the difference. Doesn't matter how old your son is, he will be hurt by this.

What? he wants the house and the whole savings and you are hoping you don’t have to go the legal route???

Honestly woman, give yourself a hard slap on the face and wake up. You are in no position to defend yourself alone while you are thinking things from the perspective of keeping “everyone happy”.

Find a good lawyer, that man you call your partner will happily take everything from you and your kids if you allow it, because he thinks everything is his anyway. Your contribution as a wife means nothing to him at all.

Don’t give him a penny more than 50%

Find a shark lawyer who will fight for your fair share. You don’t need to pay more than half out of guilt.

And stop doing their housework and food shopping. I know you are doing it so you hope they recognise your value and will love and appreciate you. They won’t respect it. It’s only when they miss it that they will see it’s value.

Please get some counselling to find your self esteem and start to value yourself.

Don't agree to anything with him
Seek legal advice asap. I hope you won't be giving him all the family savings, why would you do that?
Split everything 50:50.
He can't just be living off you're back getting pished and doing nothing for himself. Jesus Christ
You really need to stop being so weak. You've made the decision to have an affair, you like the man, he likes you. Stop wallowing! You're free of a grumpy alcoholic.
Of course your son will come round eventually. My aunt had an affair and her son disliked her for a while, chose dad over mum etc when dad had done fuck all on his life, much like you. Couple of years later he's fine with her again.

The story of cancelling the holiday and then leaving you to the pub, god I wish you'd just gone on the holiday with a friend!
Imagine all the nice holidays you will have with your new man!

So, come on. Step up and face your decision. Stop the bloody shopping, stop bankrolling your husband. Speak to a solicitor asap.
I imagine your husband will go for half your pension too...
Does he have one?

Have you ever had counselling? You might benefit from it to help sort out your thoughts. All your instincts in ending the marriage are right. In an ideal world you would have done that before finding new man. But hey ho.

I’ve walked in your shoes. Miserable marriage held together by sense of duty/low expectations; affair that fills some of the gaps in the marriage/shows you that this life is not the only life/maybe a smidge of punishment for DH; reveal of the affair and suddenly you realise you have thrown away the moral high ground and replaced it with crushing guilt and are back to appeasement and being the underdog.

In my case I let it cost me several years of my life and £££. As a result I was not able to support my children in ways I wanted to, and had to watch my XDH refuse to support them when he could afford to.

Yes you fucked up. But he played his part - if he’d been a better husband none of this would have happened. (Incidentally, we tried to make a go of it and XDH IMMEDIATELY stopped a pile of actions I’d been begging him to stop for 20 years but had carried on with. He knew all along I hated them but he carried on and on and on.)

You have the right to a fair financial settlement and to happiness in the future. Get thee to a solicitor. When you go round to clean (for the last time) get copies of everything relating to your marital assets including pensions, incomes, bank accounts, mortgage/house value, savings, cars, the lot. You are entitled to a 50:50 split, god knows you’ve probably earned it.

It sounds like you need to let go of the guilt before you make any big decisions. You're letting your guilt over the affair cloud what is acceptable and fair. My DP cheated on me with my best friend, and yet I can still recognize that people don't have affairs when they're happy. It's unhelpful to be carrying guilt like this. Don't let him take the piss and don't give up any of your rights on the house/savings.

Yes you fucked up. But he played his part - if he’d been a better husband none of this would have happened

Interesting how affairs are justified if it's a woman. Affairs are wrong...full-stop, male or female. They are usually a way to leave a relationship without being single or dealing with being alone for 5 mins.

Leave a bad marriage that can't be improved... 100%, leave with an affair. No.

People to have affairs tend to believe they are the victim and they build a narrative of the horrible Ex. Men and Women do this but it's extremely unhealthy. I don't change my view of affairs based on gender. The next female who is posts devastated by her husband having an affair shall we suggest she is to blame??

Higher earner who leave the family home and a dependant child at home, often pay for upkeep for a period of time. Can't see what he is doing wrong asking for this. Similarly...if she is the higher earner and won't have to provide housing for her son (since she is estranged from him) then the Ex should get a larger share of the savings to support housing and Uni costs for their son.

Op, in the long term your relationship with your son will be what you value. I imagine your ex will need to provide for your son for a few more years.

@Fireflygal

Yes you fucked up. But he played his part - if he’d been a better husband none of this would have happened

Interesting how affairs are justified if it's a woman. Affairs are wrong...full-stop, male or female. They are usually a way to leave a relationship without being single or dealing with being alone for 5 mins.

Leave a bad marriage that can't be improved... 100%, leave with an affair. No.

People to have affairs tend to believe they are the victim and they build a narrative of the horrible Ex. Men and Women do this but it's extremely unhealthy. I don't change my view of affairs based on gender. The next female who is posts devastated by her husband having an affair shall we suggest she is to blame??

Higher earner who leave the family home and a dependant child at home, often pay for upkeep for a period of time. Can't see what he is doing wrong asking for this. Similarly...if she is the higher earner and won't have to provide housing for her son (since she is estranged from him) then the Ex should get a larger share of the savings to support housing and Uni costs for their son.

Op, in the long term your relationship with your son will be what you value. I imagine your ex will need to provide for your son for a few more years.

Oh Christ, leave it out. No, affairs aren't ok because she is a woman, but affairs are in some cases - whatever the gender of the protagonist- more understandable and most definitely not the worst thing one person can do to another. This womans husband was a total and utter shit and her infidelity does not change that one iota. And for what it's worth, I have often read threads where women's husbands have had affairs and thought 'Im not surprised' and that yes, they do have to take a share of the blame. I tend not to say so because Im not in the business of sticking the boot in when someone is in pain. But I am thinking it.

Interesting how affairs are justified if it's a woman

I think that it is just that this is a site dominated by women. So when women have had affairs they give the backdrop of their miserable marriage and how they H has done fuck all to work on it but treated them like shit.
But when the woman's H has had the affair, all you get is the woman's pain.

So people's reactions depend on the account they are given in the OP.

If someone is in a miserable marriage and they have spoken to their OH and nothing improves, I completely don't blame people for having affairs. Often a boiled frog affect has gone on in the marriage and meeting someone who doesn't make you feel like shit, makes you realise that feeling like shit all the time isn't actually normal and you don't have to live like that. .

Oh Christ, leave it out. No, affairs aren't ok because she is a woman, but affairs are in some cases - whatever the gender of the protagonist- more understandable and most definitely not the worst thing one person can do to another

This put it better than me! Yeah, all affairs are not the same nor conducted in the same circumstances. So it just doesn't make sense to judge them all in the same way.

@Fireflygal. A 22 year old is hardly a dependent child for the love of God. Even if still at Uni at that age, surely he has some sort of income from a part time job. But if the OP is as much of a martyr in this area as she was in her marriage and in her ongoing fussing about two competent adults, maybe not.

Congratulations on leaving him! I'm sure you will have a better life without him, he sounds horrible.
And stop going there to clean.

You need to stop now OP you have made the decision to leave so you need to leave. He needs to take responisbility for housework and food.

And get legal advice you need to start the ball rolling on that

I am so enraged by your ridiculous doormat behaviour I simply annot read any more posts on here. Your son has watched you being a doormat for as many years as he can remember and is now angry that his cleaner and his personal cook has been taken away.
He needs a damned good shake up. He needs to learn that you are not his personal slave now he is an adult and that you have a life too.
Tell him he's welcome at yours but you won't be doing any more for them because you are sick of being treated like a servant.
Get a lawyer and shake that prick of a husband right up. Take everything that you are owed.
You never know your son might actually develop some respect for you even at his age if you show some steel. Tell him you have left your husband not him and he is always welcome and then leave it at that.
My son didn't speak to me for a year once because I refused to let him disrupt my household. He is over it now and has grown up a lot.
I'd have had 10 affairs living with a man like this and been glad.

@Tempnamelady

Thank you so much for your replies, I was expecting to be berated and I’m fine if people do so. I just feel like every shit thing he’s done has been trumped by my doing what I’ve done. AP has been amazingly supportive , he hasn’t forced his opinion on me at all, in fact he said that whatever I decided to do he would wish me luck as he wants only the best for me. He’s constructed furniture, cooked and cleaned for me and just been brilliant . He’s also been truly sorry for all the upset caused even to DH. I’m just so fearful for the future, I had such a constructed life plan. My career is pretty full on , the thought of managing a house sale, splitting 24 years worth of joint possessions and everything that goes with it just seems insurmountable.

But running round there cleaning, shopping and paying the bills whilst doing the same for the flat you are in and working full time is not insurmountable. GET REAL. The only person you should be catering for right now is you and nobody else.

I don't want to be hard in you but I do want to shake you OP (and Im not the only one). I left my annoying but no way abusive and basically ok husband, did 50/50 custody of very young children, had an affair (though not why I left) and still I wasn't half so self-abasing as you. Or I could say wet if I was being uncharitable. You left an asshole who should have been left long ago and you can't demean yourself into your son seeing the light. Go forth, enjoy your life, enjoy your freedom and your friends and your new man or many new men and do not dare take less than you're entitled to.

I do appreciate every response and I am taking all of this on board. I’m hoping to have a chat with my son and I will do my best to be more assertive . I guess being the opposite for so long is a hard thing to change. If it’s ok I’d like to keep posting for advice as this develops .

You've been conditioned to feel responsible for other people's happiness - this is not uncommon for people coming out of abusive relationships but it's not healthy - we can only help others AFTER we've helped ourselves (think of an oxygen mask you'd put on yourself in the emergency first, as a metaphor). Treat yourself as you would your best friend not your worst enemy.

In case it wasn’t clear from my posts , DS is nearly through uni actually just completing a masters through which I have been the primary financial and practical support. I will never regret one thing I have done for my DS, he is and will remain my no 1 priority .We are in regular contact and he is fine with me, albeit has remained at home , his gf lives round the corner and I haven’t got room here but if he wants a home with me going forward then that is something I would be happy with.

You shouldn't have had an affair, but you did, it's been found out and you can't change it. Therefore, you move forward. It's time to stop sleepwalking through your life and take control, and as for being 50, so? Fifty is nothing. You may literally have another entire lifetime to live. I know several women who finally decided to exit their miserable marriages in their 60's, and the only regret they have is not doing it sooner.

Get a solicitor and move on. Also, stop shopping and cleaning for your soon to be ex and son. That's fucking ridiculous.

Good luck with your new life and I hope it works out with your partner.
You needed to leave this awful marriage. Your son will come round. He still loves you, it may just take him a bit of time.
Get yourself a lawyer and possibly a counsellor. Absolutely do not give DH cash and assets because you feel guilty. He needs to stand on his own two feet

Good luck with your new adventure. Recently I heard on the radio about this company amicable.io/ might be worth a look

Again thanks for your replies. What I find an eye opener is from the limited examples I have given that you have deduced DH so accurately . He had hugely minimised his own behaviour whilst focusing on mine ( so obviously the affair since I left but previously my lack of spontaneity and fixation on housework ( kind of hard when you work a busy career whilst raising a child not to be juggling everything ). Looking back I’ve been a huge people pleaser.

When I kicked off about his latest porn dabbling last year ( don’t get me wrong I’ve no issue with it per se but it has contributed to his MH issues in the past ) he minimised and since I left he said he had discussed with close friends who had laughed and said I was over reacting and using it as deflection for my affair. That said these friends are in similar jobs to his before he retired ( think law and order ) and in my opinion are mostly misogynistic to a man.

Again I’m not trying to get into a man vs woman argument , but I’m definitely getting an impression that a lot of our mutual friends and even some of my own feel slightly affronted that a woman can take the decision to have an affair and move out, but would not look as badly on a man doing the same. Also a few of my own friends and actually close family clearly don’t approve for the same reason. That said , my close friends totally get it all.