Marriage over at 50- talk me down that this isn’t a complete disaster.

[Tempnamelady]

Sorry it’s a long one.
I’ve checked in and out of here over probably the past 10 years . Married 24 years , one adult DS albeit still a uni student living at home.
DH over the years has been shouty, selfish ( think prioritising pub time over family time), in recent years a porn type addiction has come to light plus he’s had at least three incidences of MH issues which he has berated me for not being supportive over. One of these was a couple of years back culminating in him feeling unable to accompany me on a much awaiting trip abroad which I cancelled, but then he spent every night at the pub ‘it made him feel better’. I must admit I felt like something died in me then, it was Xmas and I spent nearly very night of 10 days off work on my own.
I’ve always been a put up with it kind of person, my priority was at all costs keeping the family unit together. It’s not been all bad, and Ive kind of found my main happiness elsewhere with friends , hobbies and a successful career ( if that doesn’t sound odd) and we’ve rubbed along for the most part.
Fast forward to lockdown which was absolutely hideous if I’m honest , without his outlet of the pub he was morose, shouty, drinking too much at home and just generally not great and some of the porn stuff came to light which he was very secretive above and minimised , whilst he speaking to a counsellor he never really spoke to me about it and if I’m honest I find it a bit disturbing.
The upshot of all this is that I got to the point where I was so unhappy, that I’ve had an affair ( I know an absolute cardinal sin on here and the reason why I haven’t posted thus far), with a work colleague from another office who I have become close to over a number of years . He is divorced and I have confided in him in the past about some of my marriage issues. We worked out fairly quickly that it was serious between us, he’s a lovely supportive kind man and has really stepped up for me. We did discuss me leaving my husband but in the meantime he found out about us anyway. I feel terrible as DH has been in a state since, drinking heavily and taking anti depressants etc ( which he has done in the past during the MH periods).

I’ve left the family home and I’m renting a flat where I’ve been for a couple of months , though I am returning to do housework and bring shopping to DH and DS. He’s already putting the pressure on about needing more of the proceeds of the house if that’s what happens so that he can remain in the expensive area we live in. Luckily I’m a fairly good earner and can manage my contribution to the family home plus my rent and bills.
I’ve had some pretty major wobbles if I’m honest . I think I could have a happy future with the man I have been having an affair with but I’m racked with guilt about what I’ve done to DH, worried about the practicalities of making a new life. I have debated going back, my life wasn’t awful, we had no money worries and a very good lifestyle . I’m not cut out for living on my own, I never saw myself to be in this position at 50 and I just don’t know what the future looks like. I’m a person who thrives on order and routine and I’m sitting here in a flat on my own thinking , have I just made a complete balls up of my life, should I have just gritted my teeth and got on with it? I’m not looking for sympathy , I know I’ve done an awful thing having an affair but I’m just so worried about the future, my relationship with DS and how DH will cope without me.
Am I a horrible person who deserves everything I get?

I think you need a divorce, sell the house and divide the proceeds. I would not continue to do housework or take them groceries, they can do that.

I would not accept if he wants more money either. He needs to do what we've all done, sort it out himself. I bet once you stop the housework and groceries your DH will want you back ...

I think from what you have said about the porn and the drinking probably your husband was not happy either . But he is not going to admit that .

I too think you should explain to your son that the marriage was unhappy but that does not excuse what you did and you hope in the future he will realise that because you did not mean to hurt him .

You have a long road ahead but I don’t think from what you have said going back is an option .

You did nothing wrong with finding happiness with another man given how awful your husband is. I actually think doing that was a wonderful act of self-love, knowing your worth and re-asserting yourself as a person.

You are in a good situation - you have a job, can support yourself. You were miserable in your 'good lifestyle'.

The things you need to sort out are not insurmountable. I had to build a whole new life without your resources at a similar age. You are in a much better position and can do this.

You will recreate order and routine in you new life. It may work out with this new man and if it doesn't, you will find a way to live a good life anyway.

He is probably glad you are 'gone' while still contributing financially and doing slave work. More time for the pub and porn in peace. Why are you punishing yourself? Why do you think you need to clean a house you don't live in? Two adults live there.

Why is having an affair seen as “worse” than consistently watching grim porn? I really dont think it is. Don’t go back op

Get legal advice asap and don’t agree to anything until you’ve had that advice - then don’t agree to things that will disadvantage you personally out of (misplaced) guilt.

Stop providing goods and domestic services to your ex and adult DS!

‘my priority was at all costs keeping the family unit together’. The costs of that choice will likely have included poor role modelling for DS and detriment to aspects of your relationship with him.

Whatever happens with your new relationship, you’re better off without your ex.

He sounds dreadful OP, you did well to hang in there as long as you did.

Life is incredibly short and 50 is young enough to start again. You don’t have young children hanging over your head. Press fir divorce with an equal so lit and move on. You’ll forever regret it if you don’t.

Thank you for your replies. As I’ve said before I’m not trying to defend the indefensible , but I have spent years trying to keep things in an even keel and everyone happy.I had a difficult upbringing and a failed marriage in my early 20s and i think I’ve been keen to try and make the best of it. As I said it hasn’t been all bad.
He has made no attempt to discuss the future other than securing my verbal agreement to maintaining my financial contribution as it stands for a year so he can stay in the house and also sounding me out on a split of our savings heavily ( well 100 per cent ) in his favour. The former isn’t great for me and so I foresee a difficult conversation and it becoming very much less amicable in the near future.
I was hoping not to go down the legal route but I think it may be required should things get difficult.

Never ever agree to "not go down the legal route" - its a sure fire way to end up with something really messy or get ripped off. You wouldn't try to replace your boiler yourself or build your own car, and a financial settlement requires similarly specialist knowledge and lasts longer than either of those! Paying for some good legal input now will save you a hell of a lot of money and stress in the long run. And gives you someone to take any crap.

And no, I'm not a solicitor, just seen too many people try to do things informally and massively regret it.

Leaving is a process not an event op. It takes ages and is painful.

Been there. Best advice I can give is try to put your work head on for the marriage ending. It’s a project and you need to move it forward. Get a good solicitor - interview a few and find one you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to start firing off letters, but he or she will give you some clear ideas on what ground lies ahead, and what is fair, and what is not.

Stop doing the housework, as pp have said.

Find a counsellor. You sound eaten up with guilt about DH and your son - but you have done a lot of protecting them through the years. Your son doesn’t know how hard things have been for you. A good counsellor will help you work out where and how to start injecting some honesty into that conversation.

And enjoy your happy new relationship. Just enjoy. No pressure, no deciding. You deserve it.

Firstly good on you for the affair, I for one do not blame you but secondly WTAF are you doing going back to do house work and paying all the bills?????
Stop that crap now, it's the absolute worst of female behaviour - men NEVER DO THIS they just bugger off with the OW and you never see them again.!!!
Stop being a doormat, stop doing housework, the two men are adults not babies! They should be able to do their own housework.
Get the divorce started, take your half as you are more than entitled to do so, buy a new house where your son can come and live with you
and ditch the abuser.
He has fucked up your relationship and you are NOT responsible for the rest of his life.
For fucks sake, you are a professional high earner and you are acting like a maid, a doormat and a slave to two adult men.
Get some self respect.

OP, please, please stop being a mug. You will end up destroyed by your guilt, with nothing to show for your years of tolerance. Sell the house, split the equity and savings, and move on. There's no shame in leaving an abusive arsehole of a man (or woman).

Surprised at these responses, I suspect because you’re a woman suddenly having an affair is totally justifiable. If it was a man you’d have had hour arse handed to you.

I have to be honest, I am never a fan of the whole it’s his/her fault I had an affair. I don’t buy it.

I'm 59 and when my husband buggered off with his OW with no notice I was in hospital seriously ill. I do not recall him coming home every 5 minutes with shopping and popping round to clean. Men do not do that.
Your son is not a baby, he can cope in the interim, give him money to buy food if he needs to go shopping.

[quote Tempnamelady]@hellonheels thank you that’s good to hear, hope you’ve been ok and thanks to everyone who has posted . When I’m at work during the week I don’t get time to dwell but Long bank holiday hasn’t helped ! I also struggle with going to and leaving the family home, I get very worked up, I am very much a home body and put my heart and soul into creating a lovely home.[/quote]
Well theres an easy solution to that, stop going there. You have no reason to do so. I can't actually believe you have been doing housework etc there, madness. Even if your husband was left 50% of the time with a gaggle of young children, it'd be unnecessary. It is no longer your home and you have to create a new one where your son is of course welcome.

OP, see a solicitor regarding the house and what you should pay etc, I am sure you will find that you are being more than generous and it’s not necessary. I understand missing your son, I am sure it’s difficult just try to keep in touch and let him come to terms sigh things I am sure that without you in the house to look after everyone he will start to see what his dad is really like! Good luck!

Bluntness how many women watch grim porn and do no housework for years? Not many I imagine

I would forget all about who is to blame, who did what, who should be sorry AND who wants what.
He doesn't get to dictate to you what happens. See a solicitor NOW. Don't agree to anything over finances.

You haven't been in a happy marriage for years. Moving out being sorry, agreeing to what he wants, still shopping for them - no wonder your son takes his side you are making DH the sad victim when you know it should be the other way round.

Why not say you haven't been happy for years - DH is out all the time etc etc . Stop being the bad person here.

The marriage has come to an end - you need to secure your future financially. Start looking forward. DS will come round over time. See a solicitor, finances are the priority.

Your marriage is over.

Your stbxh is a horrible wanker and you don't love him. You hate him and he evidently can't stand you.

Divorce properly. Split the assets equally. Stop cleaning the house.

Your 'AP' is not upset by the pain caused to your husband. Don't be ridiculous. He is not a nice person either.

You have two failed marriages and you are 50 and clearly an intelligent woman. It's time to exercise a bit more of that intelligence in your dealings with men.

Have you considered trying to be single for a while?

@Quincie

I would forget all about who is to blame, who did what, who should be sorry AND who wants what. He doesn't get to dictate to you what happens. See a solicitor NOW. Don't agree to anything over finances.

You haven't been in a happy marriage for years. Moving out being sorry, agreeing to what he wants, still shopping for them - no wonder your son takes his side you are making DH the sad victim when you know it should be the other way round.

Why not say you haven't been happy for years - DH is out all the time etc etc . Stop being the bad person here.

The marriage has come to an end - you need to secure your future financially. Start looking forward. DS will come round over time. See a solicitor, finances are the priority.

I agree with this, you are not just allowing your husband to construct the narrative of him as victim, your actions are aligning with that and making his point for him (you moving out of the family home rather than him, shopping, cleaning, etc.) Of course your son is going to accept the narrative presented to him, he's 22, at Uni, has a girlfriend etc, he's probably not going to do a deep dive into the minutae of your relationship. So you need to change the story he's hearing, in words and actions.

Just to say that you shouldn’t let your guilt guide your financial decisions. He has a responsibility for the marriage too. I did a similar thing and in retrospect I regret giving DH a larger financial share than he was entitled to.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Firstly good on you for the affair, I for one do not blame you but secondly WTAF are you doing going back to do house work and paying all the bills????? Stop that crap now, it's the absolute worst of female behaviour - men NEVER DO THIS they just bugger off with the OW and you never see them again.!!! Stop being a doormat, stop doing housework, the two men are adults not babies! They should be able to do their own housework. Get the divorce started, take your half as you are more than entitled to do so, buy a new house where your son can come and live with you and ditch the abuser. He has fucked up your relationship and you are NOT responsible for the rest of his life. For fucks sake, you are a professional high earner and you are acting like a maid, a doormat and a slave to two adult men. Get some self respect.

There's a lot of truth in this.

Find that self-respect you had with your AP when you thought you were worthy of a man behaving decently towards and making you happy.

@MsTSwift

Bluntness how many women watch grim porn and do no housework for years? Not many I imagine

Actually likely plenty going by some of the threads on here. But it doesn’t matter. Cheating is wrong. Or would you say to her “your husband was right to cheat on you, you watched porn and didn’t clean enough”

Somehow I suspect not.

Stop feeling guilty. It’s clouding your judgement!

Your DH has been abusive to you for years but because he wasn’t seriously violent, you can’t see it. Emotional abuse is insidious and it slowly breaks you, piece by piece.

I’m mid fifties and your shoes, I might have had an affair too.
However, be wary of using your new man as a crutch because it could be a rebound affair and ideally, you need to work on your self esteem first.
I say this from experience of leaving a cheating husband and my first boyfriend was nice, but I think I just wanted to feel cared for so I thought it was more, than it actually was. You need to give yourself time to process everything and start putting your own needs first.

You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for your husband. His problems are his own and you need to let go. You owe your husband nothing as he’s been a bastard to you for years. Make a clean break and move on. Your adult son will come round in time, so don’t worry too much about that for now.

Your priority should be to see a solicitor and get the divorce proceedings started. Divorce is a purely practical matter involving splitting your assets and future assets and it’s got nothing to do with guilt and shame.

Second priority is find a good therapist to help you work through your feelings and help you see things from another perspective.

Finally, I wish you all the happiness in the world. You can do this!

20 odd years of a miserable marriage and you had an affair - so what
Unfortunately you now feel like you've lost the moral high ground and need to abase yourself to atone and you don't.
Marriages end and that's life. Yours has ended and stop feeling guilty about that.
Don't go to the house unless it's to see DS. Encourage him to come to see you. Go meet him after college for coffee or pizza or whatever he likes. Have a grown up (detail appropriate) conversation with him about why the marriage ended notwithstanding the affair.
Gather your dignity and your self respect because you don't deserve to be self flagellating forever over the way the marriage ended.