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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don’t want to fight for our marriage again

74 replies

DaisyFeather · 02/05/2021 15:37

I’m exhausted. DH (mid-30s) has become a very negative, pessimistic, angry man. And now I feel like I’m ‘catching’ it despite my very conscious efforts to just focus on the things and lifestyle that make DD and myself happy.

He’s now said ‘we’re done’ over a disagreement two days ago - he actually hasn’t spoken to me properly since, and definitely not initiated any conversation. This dressing down was over how because I’m working from home, I shouldn’t be expecting him to do any housework. It was a long lecture. He wasn’t interested in my side at all other than to tell me I was a psycho if I really thought being at home to work wasn’t just code for being a stay at home parent. I walked away at that point. Then came the ominous text message- ‘unless you can acknowledge that you’ve been out of order, we’re done.’

I’m terrified financially (we’re not in great shape right now), but do I just go, you know what, ok, we are done, whose moving out?

I’ve put up with sulks, aggressive behaviour, abandoning us for running, a complete lack of sympathy for my arthritis pain - and am beginning to feel as pessimistic about life and the future as he does. That isn’t me. Life is short and precious and I deserve more.

OP posts:

Original poster

DaisyFeather · 02/05/2021 15:38

I mentioned his/our age because I can only imagine what he’ll be like in another decade.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 02/05/2021 15:42

He's gifting you your freedom- grab it and run, stopping only to collect evidence of earnings, finances, pensions etc You may find it reassuring to have a look at entitledto website re. benefits as you have a child

FusionChefGeoff · 02/05/2021 15:43

Sounds like you've made your decision already tbh....

And it sounds like an excellent one. Get rid of him he's a twat.

CovidSmart · 02/05/2021 15:44

Well it sounds like he has made the decision already.

Just say ‘ok then’ (and watch him back paddling once he realises you are not going to jump through hoops to appease him)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2021 15:49

Seek legal advice from a Solicitor asap. I would also say "ok then" and start divorce proceedings.

I would think it a given that he will refuse to move out now because at heart he is abusive.

BIWI · 02/05/2021 15:51

You reply 'yes, I think we're done too. When are you moving out?'

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2021 15:53

Fuck. Him. Get a solicitor and get your freedom back. This man has nothing but contempt for you.

Crunched · 02/05/2021 15:56

Even if things are resolved this time, I don't think you can continue to exist with the threat of "We are done" type comments being chucked around when ever situations don't go his way.
It must be like living with a cloud of fear and doom ever present. You and DD deserve to feel free and happy.

Original poster

DaisyFeather · 02/05/2021 15:57

We’re already on UC due to me losing my job - is it as simple as a phone call to say we’re separated can I have a single claim?

I know he won’t want to lose the house - we’ve only been here a few months, seriously increased our mortgage and invested every penny into a renovation (which in hindsight wouldn’t have done due to the sudden drop in income.) it means the equity isn’t huge, so the likeliest outcome is his parents give him the money to buy me out. I’ll be starting over but at least I’ll be free.

And his negativity also comes out as jealousy. He doesn’t like me working for myself (had to start again after losing my job out of necessity) as he thinks it’s unfair he doesn’t, although he very easily could and would earn a small fortune. Because he has no job satisfaction, why should I, kind of thing. Admitted a long while after the fact that he talked me out of my PhD because he didn’t want me to have another thing he’ll never have (he’s not academically inclined at all, has never been a problem from my end.)

OP posts:

Egghead81 · 02/05/2021 16:02

We’re already on UC due to me losing my job - is it as simple as a phone call to say we’re separated can I have a single claim?

I thought the argument was about you not doing housework when you’re working from home?

Original poster

DaisyFeather · 02/05/2021 16:03

I am working from home but my earnings are really small now so we get a tiny bit at the moment / some months none. It just depends how much work I get in but working has to include me pitching/contacting clients.

OP posts:

Biblionerd · 02/05/2021 16:04

He isn't going to change! A partner would lift you up and support your PhD rather than resent it, a partner would support your new venture and definitely wouldn't cold shoulder you for days without seeking to resolve the situation. He isn't going to change, run for those hills and have a look at what PhDs are on offer whilst you're there, it is NEVER too late (says almost 44 year old single mum just about to graduate a masters!)

Original poster

DaisyFeather · 02/05/2021 16:09

I think my fear is he is going to change, he’s going to get worse and it isn’t what I signed up for.

I’d usually go into mediator mode and we’d tick along with me being conscious of the egg shells until he decides I’m failing somewhere else. Usually completely changing goalposts as to what he’s said previously.

OP posts:

CovidSmart · 02/05/2021 16:11

He isn’t going to change.....

Tangledtresses · 02/05/2021 16:12

Call his bluff and say fine... I'm done too and I'm not putting up with this crap
Watch and see! Ask him to move out ASAP

Tangledtresses · 02/05/2021 16:13

You're right Op he will get worse and worse

MrsPerfect12 · 02/05/2021 16:18

He will get worse and worse.
Call it a day and you will meet someone much better.
Basically his message is conform to me or else - this is abusive.

AintPageantMaterial · 02/05/2021 16:18

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you to better yourself in any way. You’re supposed to be a team. You’re supposed to lift each other up not hold each other back in some weird competition. You do not need a lifetime of this and, honestly, I can’t see how this relationship has a future. A man who behaves like this is not going to transform into a decent person who loves and supports you daily. You can leave him now or later when you have wasted more of your life on him.

PiccalilliChilli · 02/05/2021 16:37

Dump his arse.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 02/05/2021 16:37

You already know what you need to do, OP.

No, he won’t change. Yes, he will definitely get worse, and you will consequently become more worn down and unhappy as time goes on.

Being on the edge of such a huge decision will obviously feel scary, but how much scarier would it be to waste the next ten years of your one and only life on this man just to prove your instincts were right all along?

Egghead81 · 02/05/2021 16:38

@DaisyFeather

Out of interest ate you able to get UC if no children and both in employment?

Original poster

DaisyFeather · 02/05/2021 16:40

Do you mean do I have a child or are you asking for you? Because we do have a child (DD10) but I don’t know if you have to have a child for UC?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/05/2021 16:41

God what an obnoxious controlling message that was. And what an absolute tosser he is. What an awful way to treat someone. Even if you were his paid help you’d be treated better. He’s treating you like some form of scum

Just get the fuck out and don’t look back op.

SpeedRunParent · 02/05/2021 16:46

Take a tip from Dua Liipa and say 'we're good'. Agreeing with him that you guys just aren't right for one another and the civilised thing to do is accept it and move on, as adults. He'll hate it. You'll have the high ground. Start again, you won't regret it.

KarmaNoMore · 02/05/2021 16:48

Grab this opportunity with both hands and run. It is not often that nasty partners leave the door wid

e open giving you a escape route. You will be fine and I can assure you, you will survive and find your life much easier. Raising a kid alone is much easier than raising a kid alone with a “partner” that trips you around all the time while giving you a lot of extra work.

Women often focus on what they will loose if they divorce a nasty husband, failing to see that they will gain far more than their freedom if they do.

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