Don’t want to fight for our marriage again

[DaisyFeather]

I’m exhausted. DH (mid-30s) has become a very negative, pessimistic, angry man. And now I feel like I’m ‘catching’ it despite my very conscious efforts to just focus on the things and lifestyle that make DD and myself happy.

He’s now said ‘we’re done’ over a disagreement two days ago - he actually hasn’t spoken to me properly since, and definitely not initiated any conversation. This dressing down was over how because I’m working from home, I shouldn’t be expecting him to do any housework. It was a long lecture. He wasn’t interested in my side at all other than to tell me I was a psycho if I really thought being at home to work wasn’t just code for being a stay at home parent. I walked away at that point. Then came the ominous text message- ‘unless you can acknowledge that you’ve been out of order, we’re done.’

I’m terrified financially (we’re not in great shape right now), but do I just go, you know what, ok, we are done, whose moving out?

I’ve put up with sulks, aggressive behaviour, abandoning us for running, a complete lack of sympathy for my arthritis pain - and am beginning to feel as pessimistic about life and the future as he does. That isn’t me. Life is short and precious and I deserve more.

He is a big, big fan of the double bind.

Make more money than me but also don’t work so that the house is clean (it’s always clean) but still make the money.

Don’t discipline DD but also why haven’t you disciplined DD

Endless impossible situations. And everyone ends with a variation of ‘you’re useless’ -

And talking it through with mum, I’ve realised that before I’ve always been worried about his mental health but he’s done nothing to help himself. It’s more convenient to him to have me as the scapegoat.

I feel really bolstered by you all - I feel calm but have also had a horrible feeling of lethargy all afternoon which I fear means it’s not sunk in yet.

@Biblionerd

Oh *@Loveyourself2020* you wonderful brilliant woman you!! Well done, I hope you ate being very kind to yourself xx

@Biblionerd You beautiful words just made my day

Go find a solicitor. He's awful.

Never tolerate someone who clearly feels nothing but contempt for you. It will spiral even further downhill and you sound far too good for him.

Just agree with him I'm certainly done with you. I'm taking legal advice, you will need to leave.

As the Soup Dragons once said "don't be afraid of your freedom!" you will feel so much lighter soon, I promise. . (That song still lifts my spirits, it's my break up anthem!)

Turmeric - are you taking it for arthritis?

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to you all for your wise words. I’ve held firm (had a two day wobble but kept that to myself) and have accepted the future as a beautiful unknown. I think it’s just a relief.

It’s not been easy - H has changed the goalposts considerably and is actually moving away from us, only an hour but I’m incredibly surprised that he is prepared to leave DD. It has however meant we can move towards a separation agreement quickly and everything is under way. I do wish there was a quick option to get to decree absolute point.

The big turning point came when he denied ever calling me a cunt (and psycho, idiot, insane and sometimes a combination of them all). We’ve had many conversations about this. I have text messages where we’ve discussed this. I have given him ultimatums over it and if he can remember the ‘stop or I will end our marriage’ he bloody well remembers the words. I don’t remember a week in the past five years where he hasn’t called me that at least twice. And I realised I’ve always downplayed it as a lack of vocabulary but seems it was always very deliberate. The fact he’s lying and denying it, knowing that he knows I’m lying, means it was calculated and cruel and I refuse to let his words affect me any longer.

So, instead, over the past three weeks, I’ve started my PhD application, gained three major new clients for my business, and had time to spend on things I love. And most importantly of all, my DD has been a delight when it’s just the two of us and is handling everything with incredible grace.

Most terrifying thing has actually been that the last few nights I’ve had nightmares about his mother attacking me.

Also, @tara66 - no, I have to be careful with my diet and turmeric is out but thank you!

Wow that moved fast! Well done op. Your future is already so much brighter. Stay strong!

What a great update! And of course your DD has been a delight now that he is no longer there - living with a thundercloud parent is incredibly stressful, she probably feels so much safer now. I remember when mine left (very different situation, police involvement), a couple of days later I heard DD1 singing in the shower and realised she hadn't done that for years. The relief is incredible, isn't it?

You're already going from strength to strength and he's only been gone 5 minutes. Welcome to the rest of your life, it's going to be great.

Great update.
It's obvious to me, reading your posts, that he's abusive.
Not sure whether you have come to that realisation yourself?
I mean, in a way it's irrelevant, because you've separated now (thank God), but it might help you to stand firm against him from now on.
Read "why does he that?" by Lundy Bancroft (The Abuser Profiles are from the book) and consider doing the Freedom Programme.

Applause for OP - great news, onwards and upwards for you and DD.

It's lovely to read your update! Your H is not just negative and pessimistic, he is downright abusive. Frittering away an inheritance in case his wife got the benefit of it, WTF?! You are supposed to be his family! You are well rid, OP. Here's hoping life just keeps getting better and better for you and DD and the fucker chokes on your happiness!

You might struggle to get UC if your self employed on your own as there is a min floor income that you need to be earning
I think that’s on hold at the moment due to Covid so not sure when they will bring that back in

Oh sorry just saw your update
Nice one OP enjoy the rest of your successful peaceful life with your DD

Correct, the minimum income floor is current on hold, but will be reintroduced from 31 July.

And if OP started self-employment in the last year she will get a year's "start-up period" when the MIF doesn't apply.

If he’s been using those horrible words regularly for a long time then it sounds like you have been the proverbial frog in boiling water. So glad to read the break has been made - onwards and upwards, no one should have to put up with being treated like that

Just read your post and I'm so pleased for you op. Don't look back 😀

I went through similar with my husband. Counseling has helped, as has him taking a higher dose antidepressant.

It’s really draining and I can relate to the infectious nature of the situation.

In your situation, I would also plan to leave. If mine gets worse in future, I’ll do the same.

Just saw your update- AMAZING!!

Thank you all!

Re: UC, as far as I’m aware because I’m a company director I’m covered for now and there’ll be dividends soon so everything will be ok anyway as I’ll be able to come off it. If I carry on as I am, I’ll actually be able to buy him out instead of having to sell this lovely new home I worked so hard for. Amazing how much more freedom I’m going to have in every way really.

Plus my potential phd supervisor I’m in touch with thinks I’ve got a great shot at full funding so that’s keeping me buoyant (as much as a pipe dream can!)

He was abusive. I’ve always known it but excused it away in a he can’t help it, he doesn’t know any better way. I don’t even miss him, I’m sure that will hit at some point, but at the moment it just feels like a decade of stress has fallen away. Almost content, but not quite yet as a few weeks til he’s properly moved out and I can go back home full
time (we’re essentially birdnesting at the moment).

@Greenmarmalade I hope everything goes well for you. Mine refused counselling and treatment. He’s literally picking this as the easy way out rather than facing up to his demons and inadequacies. I actually think being on his own will be good for him too.

Well done op you may find the missing him never comes. I'm 7 years post divorce and my 'missing him' moment never came

I'm so happy reading your update especially the part about you putting in your PhD application! Well done!

I second the possibility that missing him may not come. I don't miss my late H. I miss the man I married all those years ago, but he had been gone a long time by the time my H died, and the last 5 years of our marriage were pretty damn awful. I did my grieving over losing the good man I married a long time ago.

It sounds to me like he's a real catch. There are plenty of men out there who see marriage as more of a loving partnership and who don't blame it all on you. I think the best thing is to leave him and go it alone. Money can never be the reason to stay with anyone. And when you find yourself and your balance and happiness, money will come all by itself.

So glad to read your update.

He was highly abusive.

There is no way that your daughter has been unaware of it all.

When money allows, some sessions of therapy to help her process everything could be the best money you ever spend on her and could prevent her having issues in the future.

Best of luck.