Don’t want to fight for our marriage again

[DaisyFeather]

I’m exhausted. DH (mid-30s) has become a very negative, pessimistic, angry man. And now I feel like I’m ‘catching’ it despite my very conscious efforts to just focus on the things and lifestyle that make DD and myself happy.

He’s now said ‘we’re done’ over a disagreement two days ago - he actually hasn’t spoken to me properly since, and definitely not initiated any conversation. This dressing down was over how because I’m working from home, I shouldn’t be expecting him to do any housework. It was a long lecture. He wasn’t interested in my side at all other than to tell me I was a psycho if I really thought being at home to work wasn’t just code for being a stay at home parent. I walked away at that point. Then came the ominous text message- ‘unless you can acknowledge that you’ve been out of order, we’re done.’

I’m terrified financially (we’re not in great shape right now), but do I just go, you know what, ok, we are done, whose moving out?

I’ve put up with sulks, aggressive behaviour, abandoning us for running, a complete lack of sympathy for my arthritis pain - and am beginning to feel as pessimistic about life and the future as he does. That isn’t me. Life is short and precious and I deserve more.

Op, there is a uc calculator at entitledto.co.uk.

Thank you everyone. I know it’s the right thing. Doesn’t stop it hurting but it’s so draining anyway that it can’t get worse if I just carry on.

Have not responded yet but he’s messaged to say it’s unfair I’ve left him with DD as I went for a walk to mum’s for a coffee in the garden.

He’s in a spotless house, with a happy ten year old that entertains herself most of the time, so I’m not quite sure what the problem is. He’s already been out for his run today. And it’s currently pouring here so not like he’d have been able to go out again anyway.

So yea, we’re done but apparently me not being there is also wrong.

Life is short and precious, you said it yourself. I don’t see marriage as a throwaway thing; I think a good marriage will take work from time to time, and sometimes there will be bad patches. But you aren’t describing someone who is temporarily down in the dumps and negative due to a bereavement or work issue etc. You are describing someone who is fundamentally different in their outlook and whose way of “being” is so opposed to your own that it’s making you feel permanently ground down and miserable, with no indication that they are likely to change.
Finances are a barrier for so many people in unhappy marriages, but you are very young and you can make more money. What you can’t do is get back the years you will waste in a miserable marriage. Without wishing to sound disrespectful or belittling, if you are currently claiming UC then it’s clear neither of you are currently high earners and it’s not as though you stand to lose a fortune in the event of a split. If you can manage alone (which it sounds like you can), then I would probably cut my losses and start afresh while you’re still young and have your life ahead of you.

Gosh. I never respond to these sort of threads as I never feel I have any useful advice... but like the others have all said - he sounds very draining, controlling and unsupportive.

My SIL was left by her now ex DH, and she was abroad, had 3 kids, and had not worked for years. She came back to the U.K., went back to uni, qualified as a social worker and never looked back. Now remarried, new career, never happier. It was tough for the first couple years, when youngest still in primary and she was studying full time, but she did it and it was soooooo worth it.

Good for you for drawing a line in the sand.

He doesn't want you to have headspace to think. That's why he wants you home asap. So an oppressive atmosphere and gaslighting to make out you are at fault, can be used to put you in submission.

Sounds like he's looking for a way out but needs it to be your fault. Same old story.

Leave and flourish. Get him to buy you out. Go do your PHD.

He's gifting you your freedom- grab it and run

I couldn't agree with you more!!

Get out of there. He doesn't love you and it doesn't sound like you love him (how could you?).. You have a whole life ahead of you and you will be fine. If you stay you won't be fine and neither will your daughter.

You'll be so much better off without him! He doesn't love you, he just enjoys having someone to put down and dominate. Start getting all your documentation together - passports, birth certificates, bank statement, evidence of his pensions and savings, copies of house related documents - and then divorce him.

Admitted a long while after the fact that he talked me out of my PhD because he didn’t want me to have another thing he’ll never have (he’s not academically inclined at all, has never been a problem from my end.)

What a nasty, pathetic, mean-spirited little loser!

Don't engage yet, get the financial proofs you need.

But yes. Escape. Life is far, far too short to spend with a worm like this.

For yourself and your daughter, be brave.

Grab the chance of freedom.

He is a nasty piece of work.

Yeah, this is over.

Even my twat of an ex supported me in further education.

Split, best for you and your daughter.

Op, could there be an OW? Just that if his behaviour has ramped up he could be looking for you to end it with him, so he is the victim.

I assume if you are on UC, then he is a low earner? Do you know anything about his finances, such as pension?

He's a selfish control freak who is sabotaging your life because of he is jealous of any hint of success you might have but also too feckless to get up and do anything to achieve more from himself.

You are worth more than this.

Collate paperwork re finances, legal docs, birth/marriage certificates etc and make sure you have access to a bank account in your own name and then leave him to it.

Yea, he is a low earner. I was (am still on a good month) the higher earner and we were very comfortable. It’s just got progressively worse financially since September.

I’ve got all the paperwork already as I do all of it.

He’s just very, very unhappy with his lot in life but refuses to do anything to improve it. We’ve been handed many opportunities over the years, including when he inherited 75k (it would have paid off the mortgage on our old property) but he was so concerned that he’d make the wrong decision or that I may benefit from it, he frittered it away rather than sitting down to make a plan. He has a very strange attitude to money though. He has a foundation degree and he sees the loans as a huge burden around his income/gets very angry about it.

And somehow, all of it is my fault.

Call him on his bluff.
And do keep copies of the messages like that one about unfairness of ‘ being left with your daughter’....
As well as anything else indicating his lack of involvement with his child.

Because once you do the divorce route - he’ll go through a phase of saying he wants to be an equal parent and have her 50/50. Normally it’s to get out of paying child maintenance.

Alternatively - coming this close to losing everything he may actually see the light and agree to some sort of counselling.
My exH certainly did. After years of mw being unhappy and walking on eggshells, and then giving up on it all. He was ready to try to fix things. But I was too far gone from that.
Who knows - maybe you aren’t there yet.

Call his bluff and see. Life is too short and you are still young.

To change a UC claim from joint to single just log into your account and report a change to who you live with/partner/kids and your claim becomes a single one.

Ideally do it just after a payday as your pay day stays the same and so does your month on which they work out earnings.

If you are going to private rent make sure you update the details under where you live as you'll get help with rent.

It’s unfair you’ve left him at home with his own child for a few hours?

How is he going to cope with EOW?!?

He’s totally invested in the victim role and uses it to control people. He might well be depressed, but that doesn’t preclude being an unpleasant manipulative shit. I guess you are ‘done’ OP. The expectation is you’ll run home and plead for forgiveness - but you’re not going to do that. You’re going to start a new life without a dead weight attached to each limb. And, who knows, but someone showing him where the boundaries are may just wake him up a bit, otherwise he’s destined for an empty lonely life. You deserve a whole lot more than this.

Get rid of this horrible man

@Shouldbedoing

He's gifting you your freedom- grab it and run, stopping only to collect evidence of earnings, finances, pensions etc You may find it reassuring to have a look at entitledto website re. benefits as you have a child

Well said @Shouldbedoing. I was just going to say this. I waited for my DH for years to gift me the same but no, just years of misery. So the other day, after being together for 26 years, I finally worked up the courage to say it myself. I wish I had done it sooner.

Oh @Loveyourself2020 you wonderful brilliant woman you!! Well done, I hope you ate being very kind to yourself xx

OP nothing useful to add other than my father was the same, miserable, and the best thing that ever happened was them breaking up. Your daughter will thank you for it - model the behaviour for her and fill your life with positive people who care for you - dont let her think that being with someone miserable is normal or she will end up in the same situation. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

@DaisyFeather

Do you mean do I have a child or are you asking for you? Because we do have a child (DD10) but I don’t know if you have to have a child for UC?

First red flag was he got you pregnant soon after talking you out of a PhD.

Locked you in. But you can still break out.

So yea, we’re done but apparently me not being there is also wrong.

This is a double bind used to put you in the wrong no matter what you do. Your h is being extremely manipulative and controlling and if he can't see that then there is no hope of you having a happy future with him.

Call his bluff and make a bid for freedom.