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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some advice before I dive in with a text and mess it all up!

77 replies

Littleneedy · 01/05/2021 08:53

Been with boyfriend 7 nearly 8 months. I like him an awful lot. But he never says anything nice to me. He has never said you look nice, miss you, still no I love you’s or anything emotional at all. I have said once that I missed his face and was responded to with more general chit chat.

I’m not sure if I’m just being needy and I feel like flat out asking him how he feels because I’m very confused. I feel I just need a little something.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 01/05/2021 08:56

Not a bit

And sadly from now on, anything he does say along those lines because you've told him you'll always be wondering if he means it or if he's only saying it because you want him to.

PriestessofPing · 01/05/2021 09:04

Does he say nice things about other people or to them that you’ve noticed? Compliment others and acknowledge positives about them? Does he speak nicely about himself?

If no to those things then maybe he’s just not used to giving compliments and verbalising how he feels.

billy1966 · 01/05/2021 09:05

I wouldn't say anything.

Are his actions kind and generous?

Look at his actions.

If they are very good, give him some time.

But if you feel you just can't do that, then go ahead.

I would wonder are you a very needy?
If you think you might be, work on it for yourself.

Flowers
duodunical · 01/05/2021 09:09

You don't sound needy to me, far from it. Expecting your boyfriend to say something nice to you is pretty normal surely.

category12 · 01/05/2021 09:33

Someone said in another thread that they view "feeling confused" in a relationship as a red flag, and they have a good point. It's not how you feel in a secure loving relationship. If you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship then it's not working for you.

It's not an unreasonable expectation to want expressions of affection. If he's unable or unwilling or not feeling it, then maybe he's not right for you.

Original poster
Littleneedy · 01/05/2021 09:36

Yeah I think I’m going to back off. I’m always the one inviting myself over etc, I’m not feeling very special really which I’m sure at the beginning your are supposed to be feeling.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 01/05/2021 09:47

I don't think you are needy...you would expect an intimate partner to show appreciation for you..be that physical appearance, character traits etc.

He either isn't into you or he's a cold fish or he is withholding positives to make you feel unsure of yourself.

Original poster
Littleneedy · 01/05/2021 09:50

He has a very general laid back personality and a “fuck it that’ll do mentality when doing things” I’m starting to feel he thinks this towards relationships also.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 01/05/2021 10:14

The saying is something like "if they're into you, you'll know - if they're not into you, you'll feel confused".

He's really not that into you. Move on and make yourself available for the guy who's out there who will light up when you enter a room.

notagainmummy · 01/05/2021 10:20

If he is so uninterested in you this early on in the relationship don't expect it to improve. Move on and stop wasting energy

ChristmasFluff · 01/05/2021 17:32

There's another saying: 'If it's not a hell yes it's a hell no.'

At 7 to 8 months into a relationship, you would not expect to be in the dark about how a man feels, or feel worried that a text would 'mess it all up'. That sort of anxiety at this point of the relationship - at the most romantic and infatuated time it will ever be; and a time when a man would normally still be trying to impress you - it's a bad sign.

Imagine you stayed wiht him forever - how happy do you think you would be, given that this is as good as it gets? Please don't have such a low bar that this would satisfy you.

Stop trying to be chosen by him as good enough to love. Dump him because he has failed the selection process for being your boyfriend

Original poster
Littleneedy · 01/05/2021 18:59

Sod it im too old to be Moping around about a man at my age of 38 wondering if I’m too needy or not needy enough. My needs are not being met and it’s just making me a little sad.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/05/2021 19:49

@ElspethFlashman

The saying is something like "if they're into you, you'll know - if they're not into you, you'll feel confused".

He's really not that into you. Move on and make yourself available for the guy who's out there who will light up when you enter a room.

I really think this is true.

Men tend to be very uncomplicated and direct when they really want to be with you.

Hemsworthsbicep · 01/05/2021 20:07

Passed 35 I got ruthless with time wasters or anything that wasn’t going anywhere

RLEOM · 02/05/2021 01:25

Are you sure you're not a rebound? He doesn't sound invested or like he's into you. I'd expect the I miss you's and I love you's starting at least the 4th/5th month.

Sorry you're left feeling confused by it all. I'd go with your gut, which should be saying he's not the right one for you.

BlueVelvetStars · 02/05/2021 01:35

OP.. you deserve affection.

You deserve way better than this.

You will meet someone who will cherish YOU. 🌺

StarlightLady · 02/05/2021 05:52

Hesitancy has ruined many relationships. Likewise so has people “settling” for what has never been right. You need to open up this conversation with him.

Original poster
Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 07:15

I’ve dropped him a message about how I feel. I’ve told him I don’t like always inviting myself over. He explained I’m free to go over whenever I like. I would still like to be invited tho sometimes as I’m always wondering whether I should go or not. I’ve also said I don’t have a clue about how he feels about me as he says nothing and he says that’s just him though. I get he may be shy or whatever but I still need to hear something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleneedy · 02/05/2021 07:18

All this has left me very confused, I still don’t understand how he feels. Being single is so much easier but I do like this one.

I think I may just have to back off a little and see what he does.

OP posts:
surlycurly · 02/05/2021 07:34

I've just ended a six month relationship because I wasn't hearing what I wanted, and he chooses his ex wife over me. Neither of those things left me felling comfortable and so I decide to tell him it was over. He didn't fight for the relationship, just gave me some bland excuses and I think that tells me enough.

SortingItOut · 02/05/2021 07:44

It sounds like he is emotionally guarded, men like that don't change so you have to either accept he will never talk about feelings or make you feel wanted or you walk away.

He sounds incredibly ambivalent about everything, does he ever come to yours?

You visiting him when you want means he puts in no effort.

Does he cook for you when you go round? How good is he in bed? Does he care about your needs?

Mumbot345635 · 02/05/2021 07:48

I agree with others - either he’s not that into you, or he’s stuck in his ways. Either way, you can’t change him! You can tell him how you feel but you need to be realistic- this isn’t going to change. I would walk away tbh

Whythesadface · 02/05/2021 07:54

I've done what your doing and tried to hard.
I went over a lot.
I was the one that called.
The one bloke who liked me more than I liked him , is the one who actually pursued me.
So leave it and let him call you.
Make him date you. Ask him in a text, what do you want to do today, any ideas as would like to go out.
Then let him chase by not following up.

filka · 02/05/2021 08:00

He explained I’m free to go over whenever I like.
That's also non-committal - I've never had an open invitation like that, that I've actually taken up - whether relationship, relatives, friends or just neighbours.

Seems like he's just not really interested in you. Time to say goodbye...

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/05/2021 08:05

My ex would never compliment me, tell me he loves me, say affectionate stuff, anything like that. I made the mistake of trying much too hard and running after him. He broke up with me several times during the course of our relationship. I kept finding ways to get him to take me back. It was like I was obsessed. My friends and family hated him, but I couldn’t see it.

Eventually, he broke up with me so badly (this was after two years together, living together by this point) that I accepted it was over and moved on. THEN and only then did he decide he loved me, wanted to marry me etc etc. When I wasn’t interested any more, and in fact had started seeing someone else.

I can see now that he was the sort of man who doesn’t really feel genuine affection for anybody else. He just wants what he can’t have, which is about his ego, not the other person.

My current boyfriend in contrast says lots of nice things, and does them too. The relationship is a similar length to yours OP. We said we loved each other after perhaps 3 months?

The only thing I would say is, have you told him you love him? Do you say nice things to him? If you don’t, he may be waiting for you to start it? I don’t think my boyfriend would ever have said it if I hadn’t, because he was under the illusion that I was much less into the relationship than he was - that I was just kind of using it as a summer fling (as to be fair that is how it started for both of us). But he was thrilled when I did say it, and (after having made me repeat it about 12 times to make sure he had heard me right - it was really sweet!) said it straight back.....

However, as in your case OP it’s combined with him not making much effort either, it does sound like he’s at the very least just lazy about relationships - and you deserve better than that.